There are many phrases that could be used to describe the collection of visual diarrhea that was Kyle & Jackie O’s Night With The Stars… but “engaging event television including interesting celebrity interviews” won’t be one of them.

Viewers were assaulted with poor audio from the start; the duo’s poor interviewing skills (guest Nick Cannon – Mr Mariah Carey to you – struggled to keep his segments afloat); the set looked trashy & sterlie. At least the desk managed to protect their guests from having to be within reaching distance of the “hosts”.

The tragedy extended throughout the entire show. For example, these ‘highlights’:

  • The ‘Top 5’ lists may be great radio, but they’re shit TV.
  • Kendra Wilkinson at one stage begged for help from the hosts – though it may have seemed she was doing so in the context of the conversation, I suspect it was actually her safe word or phrase to get her off stage.
  • If the Justin Bieber segment was comedy, it tanked; if it was serious, it was an example of the delusional and egotistical pandering that Kyle has become accustomed to & should never be repeated.
  • Janice Dickinson – umm, WTF?!
  • “The Situation” was closer to being “The Bland and Boring Happenstance”.
  • Simulcasting the program on Southern Cross Austereo stations was so very 1998.

The interview with Michael Buble deserves a special mention as it looked more like an interview he’d done with another hosting duo that Kyle & Jackie O spliced themselves into. Not once does he mention their names in his responses, and the tone of the conversation was very stilted and disconnected. Strange considering Buble is usually such a warm interview participant. Did they really speak with him “via satellite”?

Part Kyle-talks-a-lot-show, part Jackie-O-asks-questions-that-lead-nowhere, ALL tragedy. To think that Kyle pestered Channel 7 management to give him his own show and he delivered this abomination when he was finally allowed to offer a product is testament to the theory that what makes great radio DOES NOT translate to make good television. At least Channel 7 will have a permanent reminder of why not to let King Kyle Productions make any more television for them – a must watch for any new executives and programming staff to the network as a “this isn’t how we do it at all” lesson.

I not only felt my IQ reduce in having to view the program, but I suspect my body is now one of Kyle’s horcruxes as he has implanted a small fragment of his evil life force in me for having endured the 90 minute television enema that was Night With The Stars. This was not a show in the wrong timeslot – it was a blight on the face of humanity digitised and sent by sea mail to the entire Australian television audience with postage still owing. If this show is never seen again for the rest of eternity it will be too soon.

To paraphase Mel Brooks: Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O – as television presenters, the best comedy or variety you could offer would be to fall into an open sewer and die.

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