The Block Sky High – Sun 6:30pm, Mon-Thu 7pm, Ch9
Another episode of The Block: Sky High, and another montage of shots of Melbourne scenery scored to a trendy song from last year. This time it’s Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men, which means this whole thing is just a rip-off of a similar montage that uses Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes.
With my obscure pop-folk music commentary out of the way, let’s get down to business. After the montage, the episode features a quick recap of the results from yesterday’s room reveal (Madi and Jarrod won), which ends with Scott saying “No one was more disappointed to take out last place, with twenty-four points, than George and Bec.” Um… no one would be more disappointed, because only one team came in last place. But whatever, Scott; what your monologues lack in grammatical accuracy, they make up for in enthusiasm and a slight smugness.
The contestants go through the obligatory Monday-morning inspection of each other’s rooms. This time, it’s each floor’s forty-seventh bedroom and accompanying en suite.
Everybody is impressed that Trixie and Johnno shrunk the size of the bedroom to install a linen cupboard (and I’m impressed that the producers score this scene with The Bamboos’ I Got Burned). The judges like to know that there are enough hidey-holes throughout the house in case of an impromptu hide-and-seek game.
Despite the linen cupboard thing, though, the other teams – and the judges – have mixed feelings about the bedroom itself. Everybody loves Alisa and Lysandra’s room, though. To be fair, it’s awesome. Then Justin Timberlake’s Suit and Tie kicks in and we head to Matt and Kim’s room, which everybody loves. Despite, of course, the fact that they didn’t use the bedhead that they made in the earlier bedhead challenge, which is apparently the most important and dramatic thing that’s ever happened.*
Following that, the contestants wander through Bec and George’s winning rooms, which are so amazing that this sequence is scored with Saskwatch’s Your Love, a song as awesome as the room itself.
The next day, the Blockheads have to get crackin’ on their apartment’s kitchen. According to Scott, Kitchen Week is the most important week on The Block. So, equally as important as every other week, then.
They’re all gathered before somebody named Rob, who explains that all of the beams need to be fireproofed in case there’s ever a fire. Why are they just learning this now? What happens to the bedrooms if there’s a fire? I mean… the bedroom is where things get the hottest. If you know what I mean.*
*I mean that I use really warm blankets.
Before they can do anything else, the teams have to demolish a brick wall that sits in the middle of where the kitchen will be. Both Johnno and Jarrod forego the opportunity to destroy the walls themselves, and have tradies do it. This seems insane to me. Isn’t smashing stuff with a sledgehammer, like, the only reason you embark on a home renovation? These people are cray.
Then there’s a commercial break, which features an ad for The Great Australian Bake-Off. I’m pretty sure I was seeing ads for this show when I was a teenager (I am now thirty). Is it all a massive prank? There’s no such show, is there? Nice work, Channel Nine. You got us.
Then back to The Block, where the teams have broken the rubbish chute by throwing too many bricks down it. This completely ruins Matt’s plan to dive into it headfirst and belly-slide his way towards the ground floor.
The teams keep going with the demolition anyway, and have to carry the rubbish to the ground themselves. George worries about how he’s going to do it, pointing at a blanket and wondering if he’ll just have to carry bricks downstairs in it. Um… you’ve seen wheelbarrows, yeah, George? And you know what they’re for?
Keith is worried as well, but more about safety than about blankets full of bricks. Bec has a broken toe, and Keith doesn’t want her near the demolition. Some days, Keith must feel like a schoolteacher on the world’s worst class excursion.
While Keith shares his concerns with the camera, he’s interrupted by a huge noise and the floor shaking around him. He runs off to find that a five-metre section of brick work has fallen while it was being demolished in Bec and George’s room, which is serious business. He thinks that Matt, Kim and their crew – working on the floor below – have had five years taken off of their life. There’s only one thing that will make this fair, and that is for Matt to take five years off of George’s life. Now, this is tricky, so the best you can do is an estimate of what George’s total lifespan will be based on his lifestyle and average life expectancy, then murder him five years before the end of that period.
Look, I’m an ideas man.
Dan Hall watches a bunch of TV and occasionally writes about it. You can find him on twitter at @danieljohnhall