The Block All StarsMon – Thu 7pm, Ch9

Previously, shabby chic was replaced with jumping ahead – but no time for that as it’s time for a patented Shelly Craft challenge designed to engage and destroy. Jokes about the guest judges “coming out of the closet” aren’t lost on the teams as Gav & Waz appear. OR WILL THEY? Here comes another one (or two)…

Midway through week two and everyone’s used to living on a building site again. Except for Phil who’s still an ideas man that needs a lot of sleep to keep his creative juices flowing. J&J are comfortable with their progress, but Amity spent half the night painting and the other half of the night telling Phil to help out.

Mark & Duncan are out for their morning constitutional, as much as anything else to help Mark lose some weight. His wife has also had a recent health scare with skin cancer moving into her lymph nodes which clearly has him AND her on each other’s minds permanently. It’s tough on both of them clearly, but Jan knows Mark would drop everything if she needed him to be – after all, she didn’t find out about it until after he’d started anyway. A sobering, somber moment of real love and care amidst the dust and destruction. So much love for him and Jan.

Duncan’s now mainlining his Swisse mood vitamins while Phil offers he thoughts they were suppositories. Scotty reveals the trauma in Mark’s life and, naturally, everyone’s there to offer support and care. BUT THERE IS A CHALLENGE TO DEAL WITH! The Blockheads arrive in an antique store with a difference – this place repurposes things they find and turns them into something else amazing.

Today’s challenge is all about transformation: At least one man is going to complete his metamorphosis into a woman as he gets the chop. They’ve 20 minutes to find the piece they’re working on, then five hours to transform it. The winners take home a Louis XV armoire worth over $20,000(!!!) – “Hello eBay” – and $5,000 to the winning team’s charity of choice. Totally worth doing it.

They’re into it straight away to try to find the one thing they need. “I said to Josh put your hands down and don’t touch anything,” as Jenna as he walks past the female shop assistants. Phil’s be taken to “bike-amo” for their piece, while Dan(i) argue about the ballustrade they’ve found.

J&J have their piece and M&D have found a table top their gonna turn into a stereo. Let the cutting/transforming/destruction begin!

Does anyone know why Brad & Lara are holding a pig in the Suzuki ad? Have I not been paying attention or are they sending a subliminal message that I’m not tuned in to?

Dan(i) are gonna convert their ballustrades into a bed. M&D are turning their table into a light. J&J are turning water into w(h)ine while P&A are turning an old bicycle and coffee table into a matching complete disaster. Whoa-o-o-oa he’s a working class man.

“For a start the biggest tool is using the wrong tool,” offers Amity with a smiling shrug.

J&J have a plan and they’re sticking to it. Using all her feminine charms Jenna arranges their Mitre 10 purchases to be delivered while Dan cuts up the ballustrade Dani didn’t want him to cut up. Amity’s just concerned that Phil just doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Scotty arrives to make sure everything’s OK and that Phil hasn’t destroyed the Mona Lisa accidentally. Scotty offers Phil all the direction he needs. Like ALL the direction he needs. He’s Phil’s Mr Miyagi.

Josh has at an eggshell bowl with a grinder and hasn’t wrecked it – GREAT SUCCESS! Phil needs so much help Scotty’s now doing it for him. Except for the welding which was our best chance to put him in the hospital so far. GREAT SUCCESS – Phil can weld! Time for Dan to learn to weld while Mark destroys his table with fence. He much prefers timber which is why Dan is using metal.

Mark’s hard at it while Duncan’s swanning around getting all the bits they need – until he realises that which he thought was glass is actually metal. Those callouses really need some work, eh Dunc? Dilemma solved courtesy nice man at electrical store.

Phil is totally in love with his creationism… if only he knew what it was. But the Tool has tools, and have tools, will create. Something. Just as long as Amity’s plan B should pay off (at least one half of that team recognises their limitations, while the other is there to push them into uncharted territory).

Dan(i)’s bedhead is on the boil, J&J’s creation is going to plan, & Mark’s lightstand is a cakewalk. Phil… well, Phil is being Phil. He’s an ideas man. You gotta get swept up in his enthusiasm though. Full points.

Dani & Jenna are at a loose end – and that’s a bad thing when it comes to high maintenance women. Scotty’s still directing Phil but has been swept up in the creative process. BAD. IDEA.

Mark’s called in Dani to help hold the stand while he nails it together. Scotty’s amazed he’s done so well with such and expensive table that he had only one shot at. One-shot-wonder Mark smiles and acknowledges just how awesome he is.

Amity returns and is amazed at the coffee table creation “Phil” has come up with. Kisses all round.

Scotty calls the teams together to sweeten the winning deal: He’ll give the winners a chance to win a dial, which after any team has won four of them they get to open any remaining safe on The Block. Forty-five minutes to go.

Mark & Duncan know how to polish their knobs, so have no problem spending a lot of time polishing their very large and phallic light stand. Amity loves bike-amo while Dani’s undergoing her trademark “self-doubt transference onto Dan”.

AS the minutes tick by there’s a flurry of activity as the teams finish/paint/clean/polish/wipe up the ejaculate from their creations. Time runs out and everyone completes just in time. But it’s time to welcome the judges with whom we’ll likely have a gay old time.

The Blockheads are summoned to their carpet squares where it’s revealed that the contents of the wardrobe will be given to the winners too – and out pop Gav & Waz. “Everyone’s favourite couple from the first season,” says Josh. Awkward, Phil & Amity.

The winners get Gav & Waz for a whole day to help with their house, and they with great relish announce “size does matter” and appoint M&D’s table/light the winner. YAY! M&D decide to donate the $5K charity prize to melanoma research and he’s quite chuffed.

Shelly offers one more twist… she gives M&D a bit of cash to allow them to buy their neighbours a piece that *has* to appear in this week’s room. This is, quite literally, a great idea.

Mark’s so chuffed with this light and what it means he tells us he wants to buy it and keep it as a reminder of his and Jan’s sacrifice in him being on The Block. Yay Mark… if only I could give you a hug.

Phil’s getting “tradie hands” finally. He’s quite proud of his battle scars as it’ll buy him some cred with the computer hands set.

Mark’s nicking off to spend some time with his girl so he and Duncan are furiously trying to get their room sorted, but then Mark wanders in.

“Sometimes he wanders,” offers Duncan.
“I’ve lost something,” yells Mark, now in the other room. “Have you seen my marbles?”
“Are they in your marble bag?” yells back Duncan.
“No… that’s where I left my testicles,” retorts Mark.
“He also has a testicles fascination,” says Duncan to camera, deadpan.

Scotty even admits this Block is a massive task. From the new build out the back to the Heritage restoration out the front. Dan’s far from taken with the entire thing but knows he needs to play by the rules and hopes that his front verandah won’t need much work.

Josh is sold on his mound and is still trying to sell it. No time for that as Jenna wants to sell Josh on her plan for the pantry and a second fridge outside. Cue opinionated discussion about who listens to whom and what should be inside and if you keep talking to me like this you can shove your ring up your arse.

P&A are prepping for the arrival of their kids, so furiously working to get things sorted. Cue the Blockinator to throw another spanner in the works re: their brickie.

Josh & Jenna are still fighting over their outdoor kitchen. So, let’s make it passive aggressive by getting them to explain their sides in a piece to camera. That always workds.

Phil’s decided to supervise out the back when he’s called in to help the brickie get a move on. For some reason he starts playing a game of chasey with Keef, before showing his blister off to anyone who’ll stop. Then he offers the other brickies twice as much to work on his back wall. He’s an ideas man.

Entre Gav & Waz to help out Mark & Duncan as a part of their prize from the competition. Making a mockery of their previous renovating undies, G&W are now dressed in spacesuits. Because there is no middle ground.

P&A are discussing with Builder Brad their plan to convert their place to a 3 bedroom home by sacrificing their formal lounge, but it’ll have to adhere to heritage rules as it’s part of the original house. They acknowledge they need to add a screen or wall but it can’t look added in. Time to ask the architect.

You know how last night we talked about the kitchen plan being “set in concrete” because Dan(i) are having a polished concrete floor out the back, and so they can’t change anything? Yeah, well Dani wants to change everything. It’s her atypical last minute change of everything, so it’s plan 456 with Freedom Kitchens – she and the salesgirl now see each other so often their periods are in sync.

The architect arrives to discuss P&A’s wall plans (we don’t need no education). The architect is very cool – so cool he wears a cowboy hat. He lays down the rules over the wall (teacher leave those kids alone) they wanna build. Amity knows if she leaves it to arrange it’ll “look dodge” and she’d rather not have one instead of a horrible wall that doesn’t work.

Passing on the wall for now, Amity wants to have exposed beams in the ceiling out the back which will change everything for Builder Brad and he’s gotta get it cleared by Keef. Phil’s idea – get Keef involved in the conversation.

Dan(i)’s plan for the kitchen solved they now have to agonise over the finishes. Urgh. Dan commits to mirrored kicks while Dani wants stainless kicks. Can they not agree on anything?! Wait – don’t answer that.

M&D flipped the kitchen and living areas and are now using Gav & Waz for advice – a smart use of the talent made available to them. Waz suggests a third bedroom as a benefit to their home too – making it two houses looking at the third bedroom option.

Amity’s worried what the “surprise” that M&D will have picked for their room as a part of their prize. J&J are waiting to see what the surprise is, and Dan is refusing to shop until he sees what it is. M&D have sent G&W to find the shocker house-warming present for each of the teams that has to feature in their rooms this week… and they play the moment perfectly. The revelation of the old-style child’s wheelchair cum toilet chair even offers a trademark Waz laugh. Brilliant.

P&A hit up Keef regarding their exposed beams and they’re committed – it’s not too late but there’s some work to be done with costs still to come. They have to go NOW so that the engineering plans can be fed straight into the beam construction. It all sounds a bit hard but they’re convinced it’s worth it.

Dan(i)’s artist has returned again with his piece for this room, and they’re convincing themselves with their paint choice and the picture. “It’s a bold statement,” says Dan, in a manner that suggests he has no idea if it’s gonna work. “Yeah, it’s a bold move. Bold like a fox!”

Not 30 minutes later, Dan’s changed the colour of the room. Well Dani may have, but Dan’s taking credit for it. It’s all the window dressing’s fault, coupled with the other things they’ve purchased. They’ll have a grey old time. “50 shades in this house,” says Dani. STOP TALKING ABOUT WEIRD SEX, DANI. “I’m not gonna conform,” she adds.

The armoire has arrived. Getting it to it proves enough of a challenge to find a space, and once they work out where it’ll go Mark convinces the delivery man to hold onto it for a couple of weeks so it doesn’t get damaged. Job done, Mark’s off to spend much needed time with Jan.

P&A’s kids are moving in across the road with her parents so they get a chance to see them as they have time. Lovely.

In the midst of the crazy, Dani’s arranged for all the Blockheads to go out to dinner together to celebrate Dan’s birthday. Yay for celebratory time off, and the perfect time to deliver the housewarming gifts for each of them. Duncan absolves himself of responsibility on the selection of the gifts by blaming Gav & Waz – and so birthday boy first.

Dan(i) get three mannequin hands in an upturned glass jar. Dan “loves” it, and Dani “barely contains her love” for it. Josh & Jenna’s present is a little smaller – timber shoe moulds. They dig it and already have plans to make it work for them. Phil & Amity’s present is in the biggest box yet, and it needed to be – three antique bird cages, two with stuffed birds. THREE OF THEM AND TWO OF THEM. Well played indeed, Tradies.

Duncan calls it a great night. Duncan doesn’t get out much.

Later that night Dani is already reconsidering her kitchen choices, but the gold is Josh’s video diary that somehow included Jenna ranting at Josh for vomiting and then using her toothbrush. Natch.