The Block All StarsMon-Wed 7pm, Ch9
After six weeks of ups, downs, tantrums, tiles, fights, furniture and three million terribl-ock puns it’s the SECOND LAST DAY ON THE BLOCK!

Duncan and Dale are this week’s Chumps in increasingly stupid yellow jackets. The whole Chumps joke is RUBBISH. It was borderline funny when Rod was just calling everyone chumps but as soon as they made it a “thing”, it started getting sad. Like a teacher walking into a class and going “So, guys! YOUTUBES. Like a boss! Am I right? Eminem is DOPE.” You remember what we did with those teachers, don’t you. We ate them for breakfast. It’s been two seasons since, with the Chump joke, and they’re so far beyond flogging a dead horse that it’s barely watchable. I haven’t cringed this much since “The Room” and quite frankly my neck can’t take much more. Here’s hoping Nine can it for the next season of The Block and replace it with something less worn, like a morning show presenter doing ‘Gangnam Style’.

Josh and Jenna aren’t answering their door. The tiler knocking has 10, 000 tiles to lay in the next 48 hours which would justify far more urgent knocking. Josh arrives with most of his clothes on but before he can do anything, Dani redirects the tiler to start on their exterior since they got up early for him. Then she tells us this really fascinating story about how like, they were supposed to get up at 6, so they set the alarm for 6 and it went off but like, there was no way they were getting up at 6. So they went back to sleep. Eat your heart out, Heller.

Since Dan and Dani won $5000 at last night’s room reveal, she gets to spend the day shopping. Woo.

Jenna has plants coming out of her earholes, which sounds both decorative and painful.

Duncan is cross that the judges didn’t like his styling. He could have handled if they just didn’t like the cushions but he thinks criticising the entire red, black and white palette is taking it too far. There’s a nice subtle nod to the colour palette here, with a White Stripes song playing in the background. Dunc reckons that if Neil can’t appreciate the propeller as a piece of art, he shouldn’t be judging. I think if the only adjective, noun and verb you know is “wow”, you shouldn’t be judging.

In a shocking turn of events, Josh disagrees with the judges’ comments. Who cares why. One thing he has taken on board though, is the mixed response to the exposed brick chimney. It’s not quite consistent with their elegant kitchen so he’s removing it.

Duncan is now talking to Amity about the pot shot taken at his colour palette. He’s really taken it to heart. He’s feeling unmotivated and insulted and his moustache quivers with injustice.

We are reminded that Phil and Amity won a tiler and a painter to tile and paint the exterior of their home. Amity points out that it saves them doing a lot of work this week. She and Phil may just hang out with a cocktail this week, watching the others work. As if they’d have done it themselves anyway. That is so not their thing.

Jenna has to count out 5, 000 tiles and paint her entire house today. That’s pretty impressive.

Duncan has arranged for an independent colour consultant to come out and evaluate his colour palette. Hope it’s Mark.

Phil has decided to spraypaint the back fence. He doesn’t read the instructions, because he’s such a larrikin. Some bloke rocks up to help, because he’s competent. Phil happily starts spraying the fence and – you couldn’t make this stuff up – doing a terrible morning-TV-presenter-esque rendition of Gangnam Style. Shoot. Me. Now.

It’s been about two minutes and it’s STILL. GOING. WHAT EVEN IS THIS AND WHY.

Duncan’s consultant is here. It’s Mark. “Bugger me. How good does that look.”  He bestows an 8 ½ on the room and there’s no arguing with the luxuriously moustachioed Mark.

Scott’s arrived. He’s got some plaques for them that bear the names and history of their heritage houses. Dan and Dani’s house is called Myall. Josh and Jenna’s is Wyee. Dunc/Dale/Mark’s is Sunnybrae and Phil and Amity’s is called Kildrummie. The builders got to name the houses so Phil thinks that they hated the owner of his house, Mr. Drummie.

Jenna is on her twelfth hour of painting and we leave the day with everyone beginning to mainline caffeine. Phil is injecting it straight into his eyeballs.

Next morning. Bondi, apparently. Wait.

DUNCAN’S MOUSTACHE IS GONE??????!!!!!?!?!???!?!?!?!?!?!?


Duncan has eyebrows left but that’s pretty much it as far as hair on his head goes. Apparently some espresso martinis were had. Phil has also ended up with some slightly shaven, sides which has sent Amity galloping into longsuffering wife mode, which can quite frankly go to hell along with the Chump joke and the Gangnam impressions. GET A NEW THING.

Sorry, that was a bit harsh. I’m just really upset about Duncan’s moustache.

Phil’s doing Gangnam Style again. I want to weep.

It’s the last day working on The Block and Dale is working hard. Meanwhile, Phil and Dunc chat about their drunken antics from the night before. Phil thinks he can carry off his new look with sunglasses but Amity disagrees and calls a portable barber van to come fix it. The hairdresser proceeds to shave his head while Phil begs for a Mohawk. Somehow he is allowed to get one.

Dani’s off shopping for outdoor things. She buys a BBQ that’s all shiny and sits on many chairs.

Josh and Jenna are missing a bucket of tiles and their tiler is stressed. Dale thinks someone stole a tile bucket cause they hate Josh. Josh agrees.

Amity went to the shops with paint splattered on her. Outrageous.

The contestants aren’t allowed to talk directly to the judges so Duncan is hiring two talking galahs. They will convey his messages of contempt and say things like “lovely colour palette, lovely colour palette”. Cheeky.

Dani is displeased with her backyard. The plants suck, the ground is wavy and the whole thing is boring. Dan thinks it’ll be fine for auction and she’s being a sad sack. Dani is annoyed that Dan didn’t level the ground before laying the turf. Dan is annoyed that Dani.

Everyone is having a late night before tomorrow’s backyard reveal and handover of the keys. Things need cleaning and planting and fixing. Everyone is completely exhausted.

Tomorrow: the last 12 hours of work on The Block All-Stars. The judges are here to judge the backyards  and there’s some kind of twist with the scores. Ooo ah.