Survivor: Caramoan – Fans v FavouritesThu 7:30pm, GO!

Thursday night is finally here, after an almost interminable six days of watching Other TV Shows and being entertained by Not Probst.

Gota has just returned, fresh from voting out Hope, who scored less air time than the crabs. Eddie and Reynold have now both lost their lady honeys and will be now be turning to each other for night snuggles. Eddie is cranky. He starts demanding to know why Laura is still here, instead of Hope. Has he still not figured out that whole majority alliance biz? Eddie says that the ONLY reason that Hope is gone is that she was the prettiest girl here, proving that he is the absolute stupidest life form on an island that is populated by fish, insects and Phillip Shepard.

Reynold now lays into Laura for not turning her back on a majority alliance to team up with two losers and their girlfriend, and then tells everyone that he has no respect for them. Definitely have a go at the people who hold all the power, very clever mate. Eddie wishes them good luck winning challenges without him and Reynold and Michael hilariously points out that they’re not winning with them. Eddie and Reynold stalk off to the beach for a cuddle.

Phillip, who I’ve missed greatly, is explaining how he’s like Napoleon, but better looking. Napoleon liked stupid nicknames apparently and Phillip decides to win Brandon over by renaming him ‘The Conqueror’. Someone please tell Phillip not to invade Russia in winter. Brandon acts super chuffed and then explains that, like every other person in Stealth’R’Us, he’s humouring Phillip. Phillip is drunk with nicknaming power and heads back to camp to tell a vastly unimpressed Erik that his new name is ‘The Silent One’. Andrea is worried that everyone is getting initiated into the alliance, rendering it pointless. Only Brenda is left and sure enough, three seconds later, Phillip shakes her hand and pronounces her ‘Serenity’.  Completely ridiculous.  She looks nothing like a Firefly captained by Nathan Fillion.

Now Phillip has everyone in the alliance, he thinks it will help them to win challenges. It’s not enough to be a tribe, no, you have to have a tribe within a tribe. “Is this me-ta?”

It’s PROBST TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! And a challenge, or something. The Favourites tribe get their first look at the now-30%-more-ugly Fans tribe. The challenge is another one in the ocean. Two team members must travel between two platforms on wooden ‘stepping stones’ held up by the rest of the team. Then everyone goes for a swim, and one tribe wins a bushman carrying a chicken. It’s just a reward challenge, which means immunity comes tomorrow.

Erik says a naughty word. The challenge starts off fairly even but Laura starts to slow things down. It’s all over very quickly and the final seconds see both tribes trying to cram everyone onto tiny platforms to finish. Favourites manage their human pyramid clump seconds before the Fans, and pull out their third challenge win in a row. The Favourites are all celebrating and for some reason Shamar is too. He stands aloft his platform, shouting “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” Everyone explains that his tribe lost. “I didn’t win?!” In his defense, he was in the middle of the human clump and couldn’t see the result. Hilarious.

The bushman arrives on the Bikal beach, among cries of “He’s like a Filipino Jesus!” “He’s like a Filipino Gollum!” He’s an entertaining fellow and they definitely appreciate the food. He also fixes their shelter and gets his dance on with all the ladies in the camp. The girls all kiss him. Cochran is jealous.

Things are less whimsical over at the Gota beach, where the Fans are trudging back to an afternoon of no chicken. Shamar is sticking to his strategy of sleeping while everyone else works, raising the ire of the arrogant but undeniably active Reynold and Eddie. Shamar then somewhat exacerbates the situation by whining about how tired he is and then demanding that someone starts bringing him rice once a day. Apparently the rice pot is too far away from his bed. Everyone just stares at him with barely concealed loathing. He then heads off to have a little poo.

A bit later Shamar is sleeping again and everyone else is gathered around the rice pot, complaining about Shamar. For some inexplicable reason, Sherri actually serves him his rice. He accepts it before lying down again and complaining that he scratched his eyeball. Everyone super hates him right now.

Night brings with it a massive storm, rats and chaos. The next morning everyone is scraped, exhausted and miserable. Shamar is sitting at the edge of the shelter, rocking back and forth. Everyone thinks he’s about to quit. Shamar’s eye has swollen up, it’s genuinely in a bad way. Probst rocks up on a boat with the (Aussie!) medical crew. Shamar lies out flat while they check out his eye. There’s a divet in his cornea (or something) and it could affect his vision if he doesn’t get it checked by a specialist. There’s nothing they can do for him on the beach and the medic wants to pull him from the game. Shamar is pretty gutted. Probst brings the tribe in to say goodbye.

It’s always awful seeing anyone being pulled from the game for medical reasons – except for that one time that Colton left, that was awesome – and this is no exception. His tribe is pretty pleased to be shot of him though. This, however, leaves the tribe with no one to turn on except Eddie and Reynold. For them, the immunity challenge will be a must win.

It’s challenge time, and goodness me, it’s a terrifically Probst-heavy episode. There’s more swimming and platforms in this challenge, but with some keys, tile smashing and to win, knocking off brick things by throwing sandbags at them. Reynold is sure to clean up at the sandbag throwing, the man is a sandbag throwing machine.

Erik gets an early lead in the challenge over Sherri, who misses a tile. The Favourites lap the Fans before Eddie manages to make up a huge amount of time. Malcolm gets some back again and the Favourites have at least a couple of minutes on the Fans. Reynold steps up to start throwing sandbags and begins to obliterate them. Phillip is doing a great job and has a massive lead but Reynold has almost immediately made back all the time and it’s nearly even. He almost gets it there but Phillip manages to keep focus and narrowly wins it for the Favourites.

At this rate, the teams will be getting a mix-up very, very soon.

Matt and Michael sneak off to have a chat. Matt is sick of losing and doesn’t want to get rid of one of the strong guys. Laura is in some trouble. Michael agrees with everything he says and then disagrees to camera. Matt goes up to Reynold and tells him straight out, we don’t want to lose, we want to vote Laura. Reynold throws it back in his face and says he thinks he’s lying. This guy. This guy is the worst. YOU ARE ON THE OUTS. YOU NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET. YOU DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE THIS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU. YOU STUPID, VACUOUS, USELESS, ARROGANT TWAT. Even, EVEN if you think he’s lying, play along, PLAY ALONG you MORON. Oh my goodness, I’m going to kick in my television. (Just kidding, love.)

Laura is worried and has decided that her best plan is to trust in her alliance and not do anything. Matt tells Sherri what he’s planning and she is not happy.

It’s time for Tribal Council, and Bernard Curry makes a note to buy some blue shirts. They all have a nice chat about winning challenges. Sherri thinks keeping Eddie and Reynold won’t help. Reynold thinks trust is pointless if you’re not winning. Eddie thinks Sherri is weak, Julia is strong and Laura is the weakest. Laura thinks there’s a good chance the teams are going to be mixed up, which means that strength will take a definite backseat to loyalties. It is time to vote.

As much as I don’t like the frat boys, the tribe is mental if they get rid of them. They need to win something.

Reynold plays his idol before the votes, meaning that he is safe from elimination and possibly squandered his idol on paranoia. Better that though, than going home with two idols in your pockets. The first vote is for Laura. The second for Laura. The third is for Reynold. The fourth, Laura. The fifth is for Laura and she’s gone. Probst snuffs her torch and the message has made clear; they’re sick of losing.

Laura says things about disappointment while the votes play and we see that every single person on her tribe voted for her.

Next week – BRANDON. GOES. MAD. He goes on a rampage through the camp, shouting, swearing, tipping out rice and knocking over an innocent deck chair.

SIX SLEEPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!