Did someone say "rich, recently widowed bachelor"?

Did someone say “rich, recently widowed bachelor”?

This week we learn that Pettifleur is even more shallow than we first thought, if that’s even possible. She’s planning to hit up her partner Frank for a new set of wheels for her 50th birthday – specifically a Bentley. She takes one for a test-drive and she’s all “where do I put my Chanel?” and “can I have mirrors on the floor so I can check out my landing strip?” Klarrsy. Also ewwww. She can see herself driving the Bentley in the “Shomps Elysees”, or the Paris end of Collins Street, “where I live”. God she’s insufferable.

Ohai Figaro. Poor Figaro – never has a dog looked more permanently terrified. Today Lydia’s mum is trying to choose an outfit for him – eventually settling on a tartan outfit that even Figaro thinks is too gay for him. While Figaro is trying to hide, Lydia and Lydia’s mum are discussing Janet’s party, and what a relief it is that Lydia and Gina have kissed and made up. Lydia has forgiven and forgotten, and reckons Gina is the same. OK, you go with that Lydia.

Lydia’s mum asked about Janet’s party frock, and in a textbook backhanded compliment, Lydia said that Janet looked beautiful “for her age”. Young Housewives-in-waiting would do well to take notes – that right there is a masterclass from Lydia.

The Mornington Peninsula is looking especially blue as we pan across to Mt Eliza/Croatia-by-the-Sea where Gamble is chasing her Pomeranian, Cash, around the house. I wonder if she realises the dog is running away from her? Probs not. Gamble wants Cash to be a show dog, and enlists a trainer in to help her. When she tells him Cash won’t sit, sleeps in a cot, and chews the crotch out of everything, he’s like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? The dog spends the segment biting the trainer and running into sewage, so he’s a natural for dog shows. (I stalked Google Mapped Gamble’s house, and my Grandpa was practically her next door neighbour. Grandpa’s dog Spot would not have been a show-dog either.)

Gamble has prepared dinner for Rick the Silver Fox and Rick’s sweet son Luke. I love Luke – particularly the “OMG make it stop” look he gave Rick & Gamble when they had a quick grope before dinner. No-one needs to see that. Dinner includes some local mussels that Gamble has foraged from “the back of the boat”. WTF does that even mean? The back of whose boat? So many questions. But Rick is totes appreciative of her efforts, so that’s nice. I did, however, spot some lamb cutlets on the table, and I’m no food blogger, but mussels and lamb cutlets don’t strike me as a match made in heaven *gags*.

Anyhoooo. Apropos of nothing, Lovely Luke declares that Rick & Gamble have different types of smarts. No shit Sherlock! Rick the Eye Doctor is an actual surgeon of the eyeballs, and Gamble puts her Pomeranian to bed in a cot. But they go on to discuss how important it is that Gamble knows the right peeps so they decide to throw a murder-mystery party. Fun! Also, hello 1992.

Back in the city, Jackie, Janet and Pettifleur are choosing their costumes for the murder-mystery party, which Gamble has given a Witch theme. (That’s some A grade subtlety right there Gamble.) Jackie’s angels are telling her that by “Witch”, Gamble probably meant “Hooker”, so she’s all “I need to look hot and sexy”. Mmmkay. Importantly, she needs to be sure her corset (so witchy) will fit her E-cup boobs. Related: Does anyone else think Jackie has had her boobs done? I haven’t gone and checked, because I’m lazy, but they look a whole lot more pillowy than last season. And I’m pretty sure Ben would be fully supportive. #BoobMan

Janet pulls off the witch look without even trying…

The highlight of Pettifleur’s visit to the change-room was her description of her arse hanging out of her stockings as “gluggy-butt”. The visual is unpleasant, but term is ace. Pettifleur, like Jackie, embraces hooker-chic for her witch’s costume, and it’s safe to say that her sequinned hotpants out-slut even Jackie’s effort. Also, going commando in those is gonna HURT. Janet is understandably horrified when Pettifleur twerks in her sequinned hotpants, but Pettifleur is fully up herself about her “tiny little aerobic round butt”. She needed to get her tiny little aerobic round butt off my screen.

Ironically the teeth are the least fake thing in the picture.

Ironically the teeth are the least fake thing in the picture.

Time for lunch at Stokehouse (nice) for Chyka, Jackie, Gamble and Janet. (Am still devo about the St Kilda Stokehouse burning down just before I went on my RHOMelbourne pilgrimage shopping trip to Melbourne last year.) Janet makes it VERY clear that Pettifleur is dead to her, and that she can be Lydia’s problem. Lydia and Pettifleur have also hooked up for lunch at a different restaurant (not Stokehouse), and in a gift from the RHOMelbourne editors, they didn’t cut the moment that Lydia points out Pettifleur’s fly is undone. Marvellous

Back at Stokehouse, the girls are deep in convo about eyelash extensions. This may be trivial to some, but I DID NOT KNOW you needed to blow-dry them. That is very useful info Chyka! Pass on my thanks to Bruce.

In the meantime, Lydia & Pettifleur are at not-Stokehouse and Pettifleur is character-assassinating Gamble, starting with her fashion sense. Coming from Pettifleur, who was almost certainly sitting there commando (eww) this is HILARIOUS. Then she announces that Gamble is dumb. Unkind, but accurate, IMHO. Lydia, bless her, asks Pettifleur what she thinks of her. It was all I could do to stop myself screaming “ABORT ABORT” at the screen, because this was never gonna end well. And sure enough, Pettifleur answered with “I thought you were pretentious”. I mean, we ALL think Lydia is pretentious, but man, that was harsh.

Back at Stokehouse, the ladies are doing a reciprocal character-assassination on Pettifleur, culminating with Janet asking, loudly, “who the fuck is Pettifleur?” Poor Chyka looked like she was having an aneurism.

At not-Stokehouse, Lydia asks what Pettifleur’s heritage is, and P (that name is ridiculous – I’m not typing it any more) rattles off the United Nations, and Lydia describes her as a “mongrel of a woman”. Tops.

At Stokehouse, Gamble predicts that P is going to be the superbitch, and Janet replies that “she’s not going to be, it’s just natural attrition darling”, so she uses the term “natural attrition” completely incorrectly, which was fun TV.

That night Gina and P catch up in in P’s penthouse. We get a glimpse of a magnificent portrait of P. (Just quietly, I wonder whether anyone has ever seen P and Rose Hancock in the same room…). P calls Gamble stupid again (standard), and tells Gina about the book she’s writing. It’s called “Switch the Bitch” and she goes on to describe the concept of the book, using the word “bitch” about 300 times. Gina looks at P like she’s mental.

Meanwhile it’s date night for Gamble and The Silver Fox. The Silver Fox is getting all sentimental about the early days of their hook-up, and OMG HE CRIES! Because OMG HE PROPOSES! Gamble deadset looks surprised, and then does what any girl does when they’re proposed to – she says “thank you”. WTF? Then she’s all “OMG I love your last name too!” Could she be any more shallow? She leaps onto his lap and they have a big ol’ pash, putting every other diner off their meal FOR SURE. Discussion immediately turns to the ring – derr – and Gamble points out the obvious – that her diamond needs to be bigger than his last wife’s diamond. Geez Gamble, his first wife DIED. Your diplomacy skills are a bit shit.

Anyway, it’s Witchy Murder party night and Chyka, Jackie and Janet are en route to Mt Eliza/Croatia-by-the-Sea in the limo (why Arena TV isn’t using Uber I do not know). Chyka is looking a MILLION BUCKS. Bruce has put together an ensemble that is a lesson in witchy-chic. Her hat/headpiece is glorious and could totally be re-purposed for Derby Day #thrifty. Jackie has gone with frilly red bloomers, which I reckon Ben will want her to leave on later, and Janet has accessorised with a broom. Such a cliché

Gamble and the Silver Fox have decorated their basement/dungeon/garage for the party and it looks like a Halloween supply shop has exploded. Apart from the owl – we have one of those, which we bought from Bunnings to scare away crows. Doesn’t work.

Gamble has gone for a “slutty Marie-Antoinette” costume, which is an interesting take on the Witch theme, but ok

Gina and P arrive. Gina has treated the theme with the disdain it deserves, and worn a fabulous black frock from her wardrobe. P, on the other hand, looks a hundred kinds of ridiculous in her sequinned hotpants, checked peplum corset and white wig. She claps her beady eyes on the Silver Fox and decides he looks like he could be Gamble’s grandfather. Umm, P, have you looked at Frank recently?

Free the Gilles Two!

Free the Gilles Two!

Janet meanwhile is shamelessly flirting with the Silver Fox. After crashing and burning with Carlos last week, she’s probably toey as a roman sandal, so who can blame her?

Lydia, however, wins costume of the night, dressed as a pilgrim the witch from Snow White, accessorised with a mink cape, which was to die for. Chyka needs to get Bruce onto sourcing similar.

The Silver Fox kicks off the murder-mystery part of the party, which everybody had clearly forgotten about. Because IT’S A YAWN. They each had a part to play, butchering accents and wishing they were at home watching Family Feud. They had to figure out who murdered Selma (fictitious murdered person), but no-one gave a flying fuck. WORST PARTY EVER.

P twerks again, and Chyka says what we’re all thinking – “there’s an age and stage where that’s got to stop.” So P starts telling everyone about her book “Switch the Bitch”, which is now about learning to take control of your emotions, so the title makes perfect sense. This time ALL the ladies look at her like she’s mental. Except the Silver Fox, because he’s yawning.

Time for Love’s Young Dream to make their big announcement. The Silver Fox stands up and tells the table that he has asked Gamble to marry him. Jackie is all “YAY HEN’S PARTY!” but the stick up Janet’s bum is wedged in super-tight and she’s thinking the rumours about Gamble are going to mess with their happiness. At least they will if she has anything to do with it.

It’s the morning after the night before, and Gamble, Janet and Chyka (btw, excellent giant pearl choker babes) get together for a party post-mortem. But first discussion about the ring. Gamble wants a cushion cut diamond (nice. I’ll allow it.). But then out of nowhere Chyka blurts out that she’s heard Gina is getting married! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING! Hilariously Janet asks “to her partner?” What – as opposed to “to her sister?” Idiot.

Things take an interesting turn when they start to talk about some “nasty gossip” that may or may not (is) circulating about one of their group. Gamble asks if it’s about her. Duh. Chyka tells her there are rumours about her being with a variety of men. You can tell she finds this whole business totes distateful. Janet couldn’t care less about subtlety and says the rumours are that Gamble was a stripper and a call-girl, and that she was involved in sex parties. Gamble denies it, but doesn’t appear horrified, which may be a botox thing, but still. Gamble reckons the “sex party” was just her personal trainer mates having a swim at her house. Okaaaay. Anyway, the more she thinks about it, the shittier she gets, particularly with Janet, and she suggests Janet goes home and “washes her brain and skull out with her filthy thoughts”. Me thinks Gamble protests too much… Poor Chyka just wants to be anywhere but with these two freaks. I don’t blame her.