Right. Reunion Part 2. It’s going to be hard to top Pettifleur losing her mind at the end of last week’s show, but I have a good feeling about it.
I hope there’s a special guest appearance by the significant others tonight. Certainly the Silver Fox deserves his moment on the couch, and it’d give Ben a chance to wash his hair. Bruce kind of disappeared about halfway through the season, but he must be around somewhere, because Chyka has looked freaking flawless in every episode.
To start things off, in case it we’d forgotten about it (unlikely), we’re given a reminder of PF going postal at the end of the last episode. Such a nutjob. Lydia tries to calm her down, but unless she has a prescription pad with her, she’s wasting her time.
Thankfully they’re addressing the business about PF saying Gina wasn’t a barrister. Apparently Jackie & Gina had been shooting the breeze about family and dreams, as you do, and PF butts in saying that Gina isn’t a barrister, because none of her friends have ever heard of her. I mean, I’m ashamed to admit that I hadn’t heard of Gina before the advent of this glorious show, but that didn’t cause me to question whether or not she was an actual barrister.
Apparently Gina sees red (with sequins, probs) and says to PF “I’m sick of you going on at me all the time”, which seems kind of a lame-o response, but I’ll allow it. All the ladies confirm that whilst there was verbal biffo between Gina and PF, relations between Gina and Jackie were toasty warm. So nothing was even a little bit the way PF had claimed. (Remember how her version was that Gina and Jackie were all up in each other’s bizness? Nuh-uh they weren’t.)
Janet points out that for the rest of them ALL to agree on something, you know it must be the truth. VERY GOOD POINT JANET.
Meanwhile PF is adjusting her yellow dressing gown (I saw one similar in Sussan this week) declaring that there’s NO RESPECT anywhere. Seems she can’t respect people who lie. Which is what she reckons they’re all doing. Not her though, obvs.
Alex decides that PF’s behaviour is bullshit and heads backstage to try and retrieve her. Which is good of him, because Lydia probably needs a break, and God knows she’s earned a cold La Mascara. AP does his best to hose PF down, and she bangs on about how they were calling her a drunk, when “I don’t drink”. I think Jackie sums it up best when she says “she reckons she doesn’t drink – she was FUCKEN PLASTERED.”
Gamble says that after the whole Gina-isn’t-an-actual-barrister thing, she took Gina up to her room, and PF was banging on her door like a lunatic. Not. Drunk. At. All. Gina says PF had been walking down the street yelling “like a gypsy”. Odd metaphor, but having watched A LOT of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, it’s pretty accurate.
PF is continuing to unravel, and at first I thought Lydia was trying that tight hold you use on toddlers when they’re hysterical, but now I realise she was actually fashioning PF’s yellow dressing gown into a straight-jacket. She’s practically MacGyver.
PF evidently didn’t expect this kind of thing to happen (bahahahaahaha) and I kind of wish Lydia would do one of those dramatic face slaps that they do in Days of Our Lives, to bring her to her senses. Instead she tells PF to use her inner bitch. Disappointing.
While AP is coaxing PF back to the couch, Janet suddenly says “fucken hell! Get the other fucken leg to your outfit ok?” which is a) hilarious and b) a reminder that we hadn’t discussed what PF is wearing and all the ways that it is wrong. Not only is it a dress-over-pant situation, but there is only ONE PANT LEG. It is fully offensive.
Anyhoo, AP has worked his magic, and PF is on her way back. She goes on about how she didn’t get where she is now by lying blah blah blah, and is ugly-crying again. Janet says she doesn’t believe PF is crying actual tears from her actual eyeballs, which mortifies Chyka. AP says SHUT UP about 300 times and once everyone does shut up he asks PF (again) what has upset her so much.
Through the fake sobs she sputters dramatically “the lies!” Gina suggests that maybe they didn’t know whether she’d been drinking, at which PF gives Gina a Julie Bishop glare and says “if you say I’m drinking again, you are frickin’ going to really hear something”. Oooh sah scary.
Gina is starting to have fun and says about PF “she doesn’t mind going commando (eww for 9000th time) but she’s embarrassed about being drunk.” GOOD POINT COUNCILLOR.
PF tries AGAIN to say 2 drinks is her max, at which point Janet turns to her and says “I’m going to tell you to your face. What you’re saying is a lie.” In a big surprise to no-one, PF denies it again, and announces she’s not going to talk about it any more. Thank fuck for that.
AP says he’s going to have to shut this down – which, quite frankly, Andy Cohen would have done a lifetime ago. Anyway, he wants to go back to where this started, and asks Gina whether she did in fact call PF the “c-word”. Disappointingly she says “I don’t think I did, did I?” but then goes on to say “I can’t remember what I called her. I called her all sorts of things.” Pinhead? Mouthbreather? Snapperhead? Think Gina! Think!
Thankfully Jackie confirms that Gina did indeed call PF a pićka (pronounced pitch-ka), which is Croatian for c**t. I don’t often get the chance to be grateful for being half Croatian, but this is one of those times.
Next up it’s time to discuss the other hot topic of the season – racism. PF pleads with AP not to go there, as if that’s going to make any difference.
We’re shown a package of all the alleged “racist” moments – I’d completely forgotten about Lydia describing PF as “a real mongrel of a woman”. Haha. Best.
AP asks PF if she’d felt she’d been a target of racism growing up, and in another huge surprise to no-one, she says yes. She talks about the difficulty of being mixed race, and goes the blub again – possibly a wee bit more genuine than last time, but still.
Gina asks PF which part of what she said was racist – “Was it the fact that you have an accent, when you do?” Gah. I love you, but shut up Gina.
AP asks Chyka for her thoughts, which are – GUESS WHAT? “I agree it’s condescending, and I didn’t know she’d been through that as a kid growing up.” For the love of God Chyka, grow some clinkers!
Gina tries to explain that talking about PF’s accent isn’t being racist, and continues to dig a hole so deep she’ll be in Antarctica by the commercial break. STAHP!
PF reckons that if it was a mate making fun of her accent it wouldn’t bother her (mmkay) and Gina says “but we were mates”, and PF shouts “we were never mates”, and then Gina is all “wait, that’s right, when I met you I didn’t like you.”
Poor Chyka is practically having an aneurism at all this unkindness and suggests that if someone doesn’t like something you’re doing, then you should stop doing it. Much like when I don’t like my husband re-arranging the dishwasher, he should cut that shit out. Ahem.
After the commercial break, PF appears to have taken a fucktonne of Xanax, and appears to be happy as a clam, which must be a great relief to everyone.
After dealing with PF, it’s now time to Shine Shine Shine! A look back over Jackie’s many vibes this season is quite a ride. AP asks Jackie how she felt when Gamble dissed her psychic abilities. Jackie was all “well that’s my profession she was heaping shit on” (I *may* be paraphrasing) and “I could have said to Gamble that her paintings look like a 5 year olds”. But because she’s a grown-up, she wouldn’t do that. Oh, wait…
Gamble takes another stab at explaining herself, and does an admirable job at it. Things went slightly awry when she described Jackie’s work as “giving people therapy for 45 minutes” it did look like Jackie might rip her throat out, but other than that, it was a good effort. I give it a B+
Wait. I have to deduct some points because she goes on to say that Jackie should be ok with having fun poked at her, which is probably true, but she maybe should have said it in her head. Even AP gets involved at this juncture and points out that since this is Jackie’s actual profession Gamble’s poking fun at, maybe she should just STFU. Gamble concedes he may have a point, and everything is back as it should be.
Miles on Facebook wants to know when Jackie will do another reading. VERY GOOD QUESTION MILES. Jackie says she’ll definitely do one *if* she comes back for Season 3. SAY YOU’LL COME BACK JACKIE! I would be deadset bereft if she leaves.
Next up we take a look back at some of the less ladylike (i.e. fully bogan) moments from the season. Imma guess Chyka doesn’t feature highly in this package.
Regrettably, we do have to revisit Pettifleur *eating* that cigar dessert thing at Lydia’s place. *gags* I haven’t had my dinner yet, and now I think I just need some dry toast and flat lemonade.
Ooh, I was wrong about Chyka. I’d forgotten about her moment with the strippers. To her credit, she did look very uncomfy underneath that stripper. Ahem.
Gahd. Balls in Gamble’s mouth. Lydia being pounded. IT’S TOO MUCH!
But in what I think may be one of the highlights of the season – big call, I know – the producers give us a montage of Gina adjusting her boobs, and it is EVERYTHING. Look at it!
AP asks Janet if sex is a common topic at the dinner parties of Toorak. Janet answers that “most people are getting it, so they’re talking about it.” PF (from whom we’ve had a glorious 7 minute reprieve) adds “or not getting it”, which makes everybody laugh uproariously. Except Lydia, who is clearly getting it. Related: I hope Warnie makes a special guest appearance tonight.
AP asks Lydia for her thoughts on Chyka getting down and dirty with the strippers, and before she could answer, Chyka declares “I loved it!” I’m starting to think Chyka might just have a flannie and a pair of Uggs stashed away in her bespoke wardrobe.
Monica on Twitter asked how Bruce felt about Chyka’s stripper-based shenanigans. ANOTHER GOOD QUESTION. Thank the Gods of reality TV for viewer questions, because AP’s questions have been rubbish.
Turns out Chyka couldn’t wait to tell Bruce about it, and Bruce told Chyka that he couldn’t wait to see it. I’LL BET HE COULDN’T. Chyka pointed out that the stripper scene had been filmed first thing in the morning, to which Lydia replies “OMG, to get a butt in your face first thing in the morning, gosh you’re doing well.” www.classy.com
After the break, HOORAH IT’S THE SILVER FOX! About time. Just look at them, sitting there like love’s young dream.
AP explains that the distinguished surgeon “took a chance on a blonde, dipsy art consultant, and so far the gamble has paid off.” Could someone please sack the writers? Kthx.
We’re treated to a montage of Gamble being gooey over her Wolfpup (*adds to list of sentences I never thought I’d write*) reminding us that they are an eHarmony success story, which is nice.
Hold everything! I just realised that the Silver Fox sounds EXACTLY like Richard Mercer the Love God! Remember – he used to do “love song dedications” on the wireless. This will mean nothing to you if you were born after 1990. Soz.
My favourite line in the package is Gamble saying “this relationship is different because Rick’s not a psychopath.” Gamble didn’t have the bar set very high.
AP asks the Silver Fox how his life has changed since Gamble joined the show. A slightly less stupid question, but still one that would make Andy Cohen cringe. The Silver Fox reckons it’s been tops, which must certainly cement his place in the cast next year. *crosses everything*.
Angela from Sandringham wants to know if the Silver Fox was troubled by what Gamble went through on the show. Angela, the man worships the ground Gamble walks on, so of course he’s gonna be all “why are people so unkind”. Wait, no, that was Kamahl.
Apparently Wolfpup the Silver Fox has embraced social media, and is loving himself sick because of his new-found fame. Good for him. Jackie points out that he’s lost some pounds, which makes him even more up himself. Just look at how happy he is with life.
In exciting news, Gamble and the Silver Fox have settled on a wedding date, sharing only that it’ll be in September. Gamble lets slip that it will probably be on the show, and a thousand Arena executives freak the fuck out.
A quick pash and the Silver Fox is off to save lives. Or eyes.
And you know what that means? It can’t be put off any longer. It’s time to discuss The Rumour. AP introduces the subject by recalling Chyka’s question to Gamble – “if it’s a story about you, do you want to know?” Gah.
Then we have to watch 7000 clips of The Rumour being discussed, after which AP asks Gamble why she couldn’t let it go. Fair question. I’ll allow it.
Gamble was bothered by the fact that it was likely to make the tabloids. Ya think? She didn’t care if someone called her a stripper or a call girl, but if ERRRYONE IN MELBOURNE was casting aspersions on her character, well that is not cool.
AP asks Janet why *she* reckons it lasted the whole season, and she says that she *had* heard the rumour, and was pissed off at being accused of making them up, and indeed being accused of actually calling Gamble those things. She goes on to say that *somebody* could have shut it all down in 2 seconds. AP translates this for us, which is good of him, by suggesting that that *somebody* had let Janet take the heat all season. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHO??
The post-commercial break music is deep and threatening, so you just know shit is about to get real.
Janet begins by saying that the person who started the rumour had, until that point, chosen not to come forward, but was welcome to do so now. Sure, that’s totally going to happen.
Chyka freaks the fuck out that anyone would even think it was her, and Lydia asks “you’re not saying it’s me?” whilst looking panic-stricken. I’m starting to think this isn’t going to end well for Lydia.
Janet takes a sledgehammer to the final nail in Lydia’s coffin, when she says “well you were the one who told me Lydia.” Fark. I wouldn’t have picked Lydia. Even though I love Gina hard, I admit I had her pegged as Rumour McRumourson.
Right. So it seems Carlos (remember him?) had told Lydia about the sex parties, and Lydia had told Janet. Because apparently they’re all in Grade 5.
Janet reckons she waited all season (didn’t we all…) for Lydia to ‘fess up to telling her, and Lydia says “you should have said something!” which seems reasonable TBH. AP asks Lydia why she didn’t cop to telling Janet, and Lydia is all “something something Florence something Carlos something”, and wishing Warnie would swoop in and rescue her.
Janet is upset that her credibility was brought into question, and Gamble says “I never questioned your credibility. I always knew you were full of shit.” Ha! Poor Chyka needs her smelling salts, and Janet is NAHT happy. Her response is “you’d better watch out because there’s a lot more shit about you baby.”
Wow! That came out of nowhere! But it gets better – Janet continues to Gamble “you are mashugana (Yiddish for crazy or bizarre.) You are a very crazy woman. I’m very happy to leave it there.”
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK JUST HAPPENED?
But before we can find out, AP is welcoming Janet’s mole friend Manuela to the couch. She’s wearing a brocade mullet dress that I’m pretty sure I saw at my son’s Grade 11 semi-formal.
Interestingly AP suggests she sit on the couch with Gamble, but that would involve Lydia scooching over to the end. Lydia’s diva rant “I’M NOT GOING TO THE END” is gold. Once the seating was sorted, AP asks Manuela about her experience on the show. Yawn. Yeah, she loved it. AP moves on to how she’d heard The Rumours, and Manuela explains that she’d heard it from “sources that were not pursued by her”, whatever the fuck that means. She says she didn’t even know Gamble, and that The Rumours just landed in her lap. Puh-leese.
There’s a very pleasing package of Gamble saying “fuck you” many many times to Manuela and then a scene that I don’t recall at all, which surprises me because it’s AWESOME! Manuela is up in Gamble’s grill about where she earns her money, and Gamble answers “reality TV you fucking c**t”. HA! You go girl!
AP asks what they have against each other, and predictably Manuela claims to have nothing against Gamble, but Gamble calls bullshit. Manuela reckons she has to look down on Gamble because she’s taller than Gamble. Shut up Manuela. You’re loathesome.
Ellie on Twitter wants to know why Gamble said Manuela was aggressive. Again with the stupid questions! But wait – maybe not so stupid! Gamble answers that it’s because Manuela feels Gamble had her role in the show. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING! I mean, I did think that Manuela might turn up in the full-time cast next year, but that was all.
What did they put in Gamble’s La Mascara? She’s morphed into someone I barely recognise. She goes on to say that Manuela is stalking the show and Manuela is starting to look rattled. She aggressively asks Gamble why she thinks she’s aggressive, and Gamble is all “duh, listen to yourself”. Manuela thinks she’s being “defensive to my friend” and whilst I know what she’s trying to say, I’m very much enjoying that her words actually make no sense.
There’s some to-ing and fro-ing that bores me a bit until Gamble suddenly says to Manuela “You’re a piece of shit.” Excellent.
Jamie of Bathurst asks Gamble if she’s taking a leaf out of Gina’s book by calling Manuela the c-word. In another breathtakingly fab response, Gamble simply “yes, when the shoe fits” and I’m high-fiving her through the screen.
Ooh, Chyka just gave a totes disapproving look. Not sure at whom though. Will assume Manuela.
But then WHOA! Gamble goes fully bogan and says “your pussy’s too dry to ride me this hard Manuela”, and thankfully someone asked her to repeat it, because I could not believe my ear holes.
Thank fuck for Foxtel’s rewind feature, because I needed to hear it several times to confirm it actually happened. All the ladies are dying a thousand deaths, except for Janet who has no idea what it means. Remarkably it’s Chyka who whispers that she’ll explain it later. Bless.
Poor AP didn’t know which way to look, so he asked Gamble and Manuela his most sensible question to date – “is there a world in which you two can be friends”. I wish one of them had said “fuck no”, but Gamble – oddly – says “we’ll see”. Imma go with fuck no.
Back after the commercial break and there’s still no Warnie. Disappointing.
Instead we look back at Gina’s antics over the season. This revolved around Gina asking Lydia about the rumours of her separation from Andrew, intimating that Janet had the hots for the Silver Fox, and suggesting that Gamble’s makeup artist was the source of The Rumours. Well, when you put it like that, she hasn’t exactly been Mother Theresa this season.
Gina does a woeful job at explaining that asking about the makeup artist wasn’t spreading a rumour but just asking a question, and once again I want to reach through the screen and tape up her gob with duct tape.
Janet and Gina then go medieval on each other, and there are a lot of “shut ups” thrown around, which is not very couture of them.
AP asks Gina if she was trying to hurt Lydia by asking about her marriage, and Gina says she truly thought they’d broken up. I’m gonna say she’s telling the truth here, and NOT just because I may have read the same thing (because #research).
Janet gets all huffy about the fact that she’s had shade thrown at her all season about her part in The Rumours, when it seems Gina has been doing the same thing. Kind of. Gina wants the right of reply, to which Janet replies that there’s not enough time to sit through Gina’s explanation. And then she slides off the couch as if falling asleep, which would have been especially awkward in her sparkly frock.
AP suggests to Gina that she’d kind of done the same thing as Janet, and then Janet asks for an apology, to which Gina replies “I’m not giving you one”. So that went well.
Time to wrap things up, so AP asks the ladies what they’ve learned from the season.
Jackie manages to be more vanilla than I would have thought possible. “We all make mistakes, we’ll always be in each others lives, blah blah blah.” The angels must have buggered off home, because that response was hopeless.
Chyka has learned about bringing up things in conversation, the right thing, the wrong thing etc, and how she’d change what she said and did. Am nodding off just listening to her.
Janet regrets telling Gamble the rumour. DUH. She also regrets some bad hair choices. AP’s advice that she should back away from the hair extensions is spot on.
Gina has learned that her sense of humour can sometimes get her into trouble, and that she needs to play better with others.
Lydia’s biggest regret is not supporting Janet. And she’s made a beautiful new friend in Pettifleur. I hope they’ll be very happy together.
PF isn’t comfortable about her relationships with the ladies, but is optimistic about being friends. Her chances of that happening are slightly south of fuck-all.
Gamble is so loved up with the Silver Fox that she now adores everyone and everything. Hopefully she also learned that hair should be more or less one colour.
Oh hang on. AP has a surprise for us. UNSEEN FOOTAGE! HUZZAH! Judging by the reactions from the couch, this is not necessarily welcome news. 6 x ladies shitting themselves.
AP starts off by saying “it seems there was only one way to say who was top dog this season.” Cut to a scene at Gamble’s dog races. Lord have mercy on the writer’s soul.
OMG! It’s the ladies themselves racing! Their inappropriate footwear suddenly becomes inappropriate to the power of a million. In a nod to the traditional egg and spoon race, the ladies are running with glasses of champagne in their hands, which means we’re about to witness some significant wastage of champagne, which seems irresponsible.
They take off looking like pre-schoolers at sports day, and every bit as unco. There’s champagne going everywhere, and skirts akimbo, except for Lydia who had the foresight to wear shorts.
While Lydia may have been first over the line, I think we can all agree that sport was the winner.
Well that’s it for the reunion. The ladies are rooted, and not in a good way. I reckon this year’s cast has been fantastic, and shouldn’t be tinkered with, although I fully expect to see vile Manuela join them next year. IMHO they should punt Alex Perry. I think I’ll start a campaign to have Grant Denyer as host. Who’s with me?
Massive thanks to Nic for her hilarious posts this year. Make sure you swing by her twitter and tell her how great she is! – Steve Molk.