My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
Last night nobody wanted to talk about the elephant in the room even with all that trumpeting. Ali & Samuel snatched victory in the form of losing the most from the hands of Angela & Melina (Funk Monkey muffin? More like BLERGH) and Kerrie & Craig (lettuce balls are bad, mmkay?), while Josh & Andi were considered to be successful in the most confusing of manners – I mean, really… zucchini chips?! And Cupcake and Joanna won – HAS THE WORLD GONE TOPSY TURVY??

Tonight the remaining teams are pushed together into two groups, forcing mate to work against mate and hate to team up with Ashley & Lispy as the two “super” groups (term used advisedly) must create a four course feast for the judges. You just know it’s not going to end well. THIS IS THE BEST!…

The teams enter Kitchen HQ offering all sorts of platitudes & cliches. “It’s really heating up.” Pete still hasn’t learned to be able to address the teams naturally. Manu continues to overstate the importance of every challenge on MKR ever. All of the teams over-react while not knowing what’s going on. Just a normal day in the kitchen, really.

The teams are told they have to create a four course meal in 30 minutes. At least if there’s meat to mince Jake’s team will be all set. Everyone runs to their stations and as they’re about to get into it. Everyone says “impossible” a lot, only to be followed up with Pete admitting the challenge would be impossible and so they have to work in two groups, conveniently with four teams per group: The White Aprons & The Black Aprons. Which they’ve already put on and not realised the segregation. This is like Soutth Africa all over again but 1,000 times worse.

The White Aprons (Luke & Scott, Ashlee & Lispy, Angela & Melina, Dan & Steph) like long walks in the park and the Aryan Nation. The Black Aprons (Josh & Andi, Kerrie & Craig, Jake & Elle, Sam & Chris) like phat beats and fake smiling.

Luke’s really excited with who’s in their group. Chris is underwhelmed.

Ashlee & Lispy determine by popular vote that they’ll lead the White Group as head chefs and everyone whole-heartedly agrees. Not. The tension for White already hits +2. Black have opted for a more democratic process and will burn some recipes and the coloured smoke will tell the producers when they’ve made a decision on who should be Pope. So that means Jake will be boss.

With “Head Chefs” Ashlee & Lispy in charge, Angela attempts to reconcile for the sake of the challenge – “Angela & Melina have surrendered to us because they know we’re better cooks. We will never, ever, ever, ever be friends with Angela & Melina,” says Ashlee. “Ever!” says Lispy. Nice work on trying to work together there girls. BTW they decreed that White will be cooking Asian themed meals. Black will be cooking Italian.

Pete reinforces that the groups work in an unified fashion as all four courses will be judged together. It falls n deaf White ears. The challenge starts and most people run into the food hole because that’s their Pavlovian conditioning kicking in.

The menus (remember – White = Asian & Black = Italian) are confusing at best:
WHITE appetiser – Whiting Ceviche with avocado balls (Dan & Steph)
WHITE entree – Crispy Duck with asian salad (Angela & Melina)
WHITE main – Marinated Beef with watercress and lemon dipping sauce (Ashlee & Lispy)
WHITE dessert – Coconut Sago with sugar syrup and toasted peanuts (Luke & Scott)

Dan’s comfortable with his fish (it’s no sausage). Angela & Melina are happy to kow-tow to “Head Chefs” Ashlee & Lispy – mainly so it’s their fault.

“There’s a lot of pressure on us today, babez.”
“I know, totally babez. I hope the other teams pull their weight.”
“Yeah babez, but you know we’ll have to do it all ourselves anyway.”

Marinating beef and serving it in under 30 minutes is a bold move, though seemingly selling out your healthy eating principles as personal trainers isn’t. There’s lots of talk about measurements and timings between Luke & Scott and the “Head Chefs”. They really are cooking all four meals, they just have six other pairs of hands doing “stuff”.

At least there’s a little consistency across the fake wall:
BLACK appetiser – Pea and Red Capsicum Soup Shooters (Sam & Chris)
BLACK entree – Whiting with zucchini and fennel salad (Josh & Andi)
BLACK main – Steak with tomato and anchovy sauce (Kerrie & Craig)
BLACK dessert – Italian Sponge with zabaglione and coffee cream (Jake & Elle)

Sam looks very sleep deprived. I’d say the pressure had gotten to him but… what pressure? Josh & Andi continue to pander to the zucchini board (sell outs). Everyone runs their finger over the whiting to check for bones and can’t find any, so it’s everyone’s fault if there is one. Craig runs a hand over his crotch to see if he can find a boner and comes up with nothing too. He calls Kerrie over to check and nada for her as well. Up the nose and away he goes.

Craig thinks he’s got the right combination of flavours but all anyone cares about is how Kerrie will cook the steak. Note where the power is in that relationship, huh? Elle’s focusing on the dessert while Jake is helping her as well as keeping across everything else the other teams are doing… it doesn’t work as there’s a split ganache debacle in the making. Twice. Three times. At least Cupcake & Joanna know what’s going wrong.


Luke is constantly interrupting on Ashlee as they’ve no idea how to make their dish. Nice work making that happen. Pete & Manu note that Dan & Steph are trying to bridge a South American dish into Asia. Ashlee & Lispy don’t suffer fools gladly and clearly in their opinion they’re in the original ship of fools.

Craig apparently makes amazing sauces so Kerrie’s watching him and correcting him. Sam over explains everything again. Jake gives up on ganache and just melts chocolate. Elle has no understand of food safety given the number of times she touches her hair and then touches food.

Josh & Andi are all “we’re so hipster” and hipstering it up.

Then, across the fake wall – disaster. “Babe, the duck…” says Angela. She’s turned her crispy skin duck in to crucified skin duck. Nine minutes to go. Lispy’s pissed. Anglea starts again. TENSION RISING ALL THE THINGS.

White looks like it’s about to implode over the re-cooking of the duck – a reminder all teams are being judged together. Quick flash to Josh & Andi’s hipster whiting which could be overcooked. Sam’s got almost too much salt in his pea soup, and Elle’s destroying her dessert.

Black is full steam ahead with only a couple of minutes to go, as are White. It’s all hands on deck in both groups to get all four dishes plated with success. ONE MINUTE TO GO and Angela’s second duck is getting cut and plated while Elle is melting over the presentation of her dessert. CHAOS!

STOP COOKING! Let’s see how Team Capsicum have done.

Lispy’s confident their menu is “clean, refined, professional”. Lispy has to say that.

The judges walk down the line and taste the dishes presented to them. BLACK first. There’s questions over Sam & Chris tasting their dish, and an “interesting” from Manu on Josh & Andi’s whiting. The steak is clearly not cooked medium rare and Jake talks WAY TOO MUCH while the judges taste their dessert.

For WHITE, Dan & Steph’s whiting ceviche is given the once over with not much revealed. Angela’s nervous and notes the judges can tell her duck is undercooked massively. The marinated beef is “perfection” according to Lispy, but the judges remain mum. The sago gets a strange look from Manu to Pete: “It’s not what I was expecting.”

All this and then a showdown cook off! A massive episode.

Manu & Pete addresses Black, starting with Sam & Chris – too much tomato & too much salt. Josh & Andi gave great whiting. Kerrie & Craig win with the risk of beef, tomato and anchovy (and the steak was perfectly cooked). Jake & Elle presented a great dessert.

Now for White. A good theme, with a south American surprise at the start. Dan & Steph managed to pull of an exciting way to start a meal, but it was no sausage. The duck disaster for Angela & Melina was OK other than the undercooked duck. This does not go unnoticed (of course) by Ashlee & Lispy – yet their beef and the dipping sauce was a great success. Pete even says POW. Poor Luke & Scott felt the pressure and offer up they felt they were out of their depth, but Manu would have scored it a 10.

With so much love for White you’d think it’s pretty obvious who’s in the showdown. BUT NO! Even with the best dessert and an amazing appetiser and main, the undercooked duck was still enough for them to have to cook again. As Lispy just said, she’s pretty pissed. Who’dve thunk that any team with the Angry Asian Lesbians in it would be forced to cook again just to make them angrier.

Black are overwhelmed and embrace. The looks of death among White explode into poorly phrased and over-used cliches from Lispy. Pete tells White it was because of the undercooked duck, and Angela apologises to the other teams for it – not even that appeases Ashlee & Lispy.

The showdown has the four White teams cooking a dish where the ingredients work in perfect harmony. At least two of the teams are screwed. And it’s game on.

The dishes being offered seem pedestrian, at best:
Luke & Scott – Herb Encrusted Lamb Rack with minted peas and yoghurt dressing
Dan & Steph – Lamb Rack with mint chimichurri and parsnip puree
Angela & Melina – Hot & Sour Soup with seafood & vegetables
Ashlee & Lispy – Steamed Fish with ginger and shallots

Luke & Scott are confident. And excited. And then concerned that Dan & Steph are cooking the same thing. Dan tells us it’s so important to get the lamb right in this dish – it’s his sausage moment. Jake all of a sudden freaks a producer out by mis-quoting the Iron Chef, thus revealing his further love for all things high-camp.

Angela & Melina cop out and use chili and lime as their harmonious ingredients, which leads Ashlee & Lispy to remind us “WE’RE THE ASIANS IN THIS SHOW” and proffer more venom from the mouths that kiss their mothers.

“We’re using ginger and shallots because we’re Asian and BACK OFF WE’RE ASIAN,” says Lispy.

I’m getting really sick of the Asian girls complaining about everyone else and overstating their skill. It’s gone beyond fun bitchy and now is just tired, predictable and boring. For example:
“Angela & Melina don’t understand Asian flavours. This is not fusion cooking, this is confusion cooking.” – Lispy.
SEE! WE’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE! It swings between “we hate the other teams” to “it’s not our fault we’re here”. It’s boring.

Dan & Steph are getting on with their chimichurri which Dan thinks will be their edge. Luke’s worried about the thickness of the crust he just put on their lamb but puts it in the oven anyway. Anglea & Melina are struggling to get their flavours right, so Pete & Manu have a conversation about how they’re struggling to get their flavours right. When the CUB Mamas think they’ve got it right, Melina smacks Angela on the bottom. Thousands of Italian boys around the country get aroused for no real reason.

Thanks to the mafic of TV time, Luke & Scott pull out their lamb because they think it’s done – and it’s not. Like still raw in the middle. Five minutes left so they put it back in the oven. The word “babez” has suddenly become a noun, adjective, verb and personal pronoun for Ashlee & Lispy. Panic for Angela & Melina, worry for Luke & Scott as they opt to deliver their lamb uncut. Dan’s also worried about his meat but at least his is cut for service.

The final minute ticks by with the now standard panic for all the teams in plating and somehow everyone gets their dishes served and ready to go. Dan’s drained but he and Steph still deliver their lamb to the judges for tasting. Steph’s flat to boot. Luke & Scott deliver their lamb and are still concerned it’s raw – this is soon proven to be correct when Pete cuts his open. Ashlee & Lispy are “physically spent” but still “en pointe” after delivering their dish. For some reason Pete asks them how they are; Manu questions them about everything being perfect on the plate. Angela & Melina serve their soup and Manu asks for the list of spices – they can’t offer it – and Pete asks if cumin is normally used in Hot & Sour Soup – it’s not, but this is their interpretation.

With so much inspriating done in this hour… it’s almost time for a post-coital cigarette!

Every team nailed the brief but Pete & Manu are still able to pick the loseriest team from this loser bunch. The shot of Ali & Samuel looks to be a still photo of them pretending to be “sad”.

Pete tells Ashlee & Lispy they’ve delivered a faultless dish again. “I guess this means we’re perfect,” says Ashlee. The Hot & Sour Soup was less than successful from Angela & Melina which has them worried. Manu tells Dan 7 Steph they got it right (whatever ‘it’ is – he used to know what ‘it’ was). Luke & Scott’s lamb was cooked – JUST – and there was LOTS of mint.

Ashlee & Lispy want to flush Angela & Melina. Or something like that. When Angela & Melina are announced that they’re in the sudden death cook off, Ashlee & Lispy celebrate, saying “We’ve kicked them into sudden death”. Actually, no girls – you did nothing of the sort. You cooked well, but it was Angela & Melina’s inability to cook that saw them lose. You had *nothing* to do it with it. Shut the fuck up.

Pete expects a real fight when Angela & Melina face Ali & Samuel in the elimination cook off. He also expects all the girls to wear lingerie and fight using pillows. Tomorrow night it’ll be all prissy pants and failure, and New Guy gets to say “abomination”. Delicious!