My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
Other nights on My Kitchen Rules have been a walk in the park compared to tonight. Everybody fought. The Cougar & Stefano have played their strategic hand and voted low just to try to ensure their guaranteed failure* will be held off until a later round. (*Not a guarantee.)

Tonight Cougar Lisa & Stefano are in love and want the world to know, but he’s really nervous for some reason… perhaps he might do something for a visa? Of course he’ll do it exactly how Lisa tells him to do it – OR. ELSE. This is the BEST…

The city of churches has never looked better, and the Malls Balls never look ballsier. Cougar Lisa sits Stefano down and lectures him on what she needs him to do today. “No vanishing, I need you to be present,” she tells him. “You never know when I might need to orgasm.” “Yes dear,” says a downtrodden Stefano. It’s like we need an intervention here.

Who can forget the abject failure that was Cougar Lisa & Stefano’s over-thought, under-presented menu for last time. “I just want to make this day special,” says Stefano. He wants to propose and he’s even learned the script the Cougar has prepared for him.

Heading off to the shops they’re aware that they’re gonna have to perform for the Gatecrashers, and Lispy reminds us she’s the spawn of Satan. Naturally Cougar Lisa & Stefano drive a Land Rover. To their butcher that sells them their rabbit. Aging hipsters.

Pete loves the sound of the menu, so much he needs to go and excuse himself for a couple of minutes. Manu is looking forward to the stewed rabbit main – there are high expectations. Especially for the risotto. And the general ambiance. And for everyone keeping their clothes on.

Back to the house – nothing else to care about while shopping. They arrive home with just under three hours of prep to go. Cougar Lisa’s nervous. “I’m cracking the whip tonight,” she says. “I enjoy that,” says Stefano as if programmed to offer that specific response.

It’s becoming more and more obvious that Stefano isn’t human but rather a full-sized autonomous sex robot Cougar Lisa bought on the Internet. The fact she has to plug him in at night is the giveaway.

De-bearding the mussels is really important to Stefano as he can’t de-beard himself. Manu says something but it’s too hard to focus on anything else other than him without a beard.

Cougar Lisa starts on dessert, rounding out their menu for us all to judge them on immediately without the ability to taste or even smell it:

Entree – Mussels with leeks, butter sauce and almonds.
Main – Ragu di Coniglio (Rabbit Ragu) with herb risotto.
Dessert – Chocolate Chip Cookies with salted peanut semifreddo and chocolate sauce.

“That’s not dessert,” scoffs Manu. Pete is unsure they’ll pull it off at all – how does anyone in Adelaide do anything “semi”? The process seems to be something close to Stefano’s CPU. He’s proud to be delivering a main that reminds him of the small Italian lab where he was born.

There’s almost a fight over adding salt because Stefano wasn’t paying attention to Cougar Lisa. Poor Stefano.

The couple know their entree needs to look SPOT ON, so Cougar Lisa obsesses over the leeks. Stefano is clearly absent and when he gets involved in the leeks there’s tears. His master talks down to him so directly that, well… you can’t help but feel sorry for his contract of servitude.

Only five minutes to go; the taxi budget for the guests has blown out they’re walking in from the airport while Cougar Lisa & Stefano are getting dressed. He spends too much time staring at the ring and his master is aghast he took so long to get ready. BING BONG – the guests are here!

So much sizzle for the proposal. If only it didn’t pay off.

Cougar Lisa & Stefano welcome their guests and escort them into their Instant Restaurant “Carnivale 2.0”. Melina is unimpressed: “It feels like I just walked into a kid’s party.” “He’s a man-baby,” says Ashlee – which is exactly the model Cougar Lisa ordered – the Italian Man-Baby.

The bubbles are broken out and everyone is having fun except for Ashlee & Lispy. “The bubbles… I don’t get it,” says Lispy in her now characteristic tone of disdain. She’s never had a fun day in her life.

Stefano’s all kissy-kissy while Cougar Lisa’s all business – she’s focusing on the dessert while he’s gotta finish of the entree. Dan & Steph notice they’re across from the Angry Asian Lesbians and try to make the best of it by making conversation. It’s very forced. Angela & Melina don’t want a bar of them.

PUREE PANIC! Stefano’s not happy with the lumps in it but Lisa tells him it’ll be fine and to deal with it. The judges are walking to the door as the puree’s value is debated when BING BONG – game on.

The nerves are so obvious on Stefano’s face that Pete notices them. “Yeah, I’m very excite,” says Stefano, whirring and clunking away. It’ll be a magic moment when it happens and a possible train wreck along the way.

Entering the instant restaurant Manu’s excited, Stefano’s excited, Anne Hathaway’s nipple are excited. Just as Lisa goes to present the menu Stefano interrupts. This is not the plan Lisa had in mind (or that she programmed him with earlier – he’s gone sentient!). In a moment only Lisa seems to expect, Stefano gets down on one knee and proposes to Lisa in the hope he can keep his visa. She says yes. Cue the Italian Mamas singing badly to Dean Martin. Kieran starts to cry. Ashlee says something snarky.

Now – let’s get on with the competition. WHO PROPOSES THEN?!?!

Lisa assures Stefano she’s really happy with how his proposal went and the women’s mag they did the deal with asks them to pose for a couple of shots. Just as well she got her hair and make-up done professionally today. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!

Ali hopes Lisa can keep it together after that sudden show of prepared emotion. Lisa even smiled – unprecedented.

The dissection of the menu makes the others think it’ll be simple dishes and quite rustic. Quite the opposite to what’s happening during the plating… this is Lisa’s turn to be an artist. She feels she’s showed restraint and is very pleased with herself to deliver the meals.

First impressions: Everyone’s a critic. Especially Pete and Manu. How judgey do those jerks get?!

Manu had far different expectations to what was delivered. It’s halfway there, but not serving them in the shell means they come out drier than normally. Pete says it’s missing seasoning and everyone’s questioning the missing almonds (someone call in Mr & Mrs Murder). Lisa defends her lack of salt by saying she likes less salt than everyone else, and it’s a superb play by the judges to unhinge the Cougar in Control(tm).

Entree’s not a winner for Dan & Steph, or for Angela & Melina. Lispy chose to pretty much not each any of it. “There wasn’t enough flavour for me, & the puree was underseasoned, and the flavours were mis-matched, and I pretty much hate everyone here,” she says.

Wine in the ragu and the main is well on the way to being completed. Stefano’s cooked this dish a million times and now he’s cooking it for a million and one times. Manu appears and this time Stefano recognises him and actually talks to him. There’s an argument over the use of the term “ragu” – Manu thinks he’s sautee-ing it. Fisty cuffs aside, Manu returns to the table looking a little worse for wear.

Again, everyone shares their expectations for the main meal to come. Bottom line: Stefano better not stuff up the ragu or the risotto. OR ELSE DEATH TO THE FOREIGNER!

The ragu is cooked, the risotto is drinking all the stock being fed to it (it’s like a battery risotto right now) and Cougar Lisa confirms “there’s salt on the asparagus!”. She’s plating, he’s serving, she’s yelling, he’s smiling vacantly and the risotto’s squirming.

Lisa asks for sauce and gets Stefano to prep a sauce from but it tastes too bitter. So he puts it on because she puts on a turn. “Already I’m wearing the pants in this relationship,” says Lisa. It’s like she’s catching up with everything we’ve already talked about!

“Main is served, so eat up bitches.”

Ali’s happy that the rabbit doesn’t look all fluffy and cute. Melina’s disappointed that the ragu doesn’t look like it should be. Angela’s disappointed the risotto looks bland. Given all this hate, naturally Ashlee & Lispy are quite happy with the look of the main.

“First course looked good but didn’t taste great. This course doesn’t look good but tastes OK.” Pete heaps praise on the burning embers of hope Cougar Lisa & Stefano have. Manu liked the flavours but holds Stefano to account – they have not served him a ragu or a risotto! Sacre bleu! Stefano is 100% happy with this as it’s just perfect in his books – his happy bearded baby face has become a bewildered bearded baby face.

Steph tries the rabbit and thinks it could have been chicken or pork. Melina’s a bit pissed off. Nastassia had a bone which makes Kieran happy about his position(!). Lisa knows it now all comes down to dessert, just like the voice over man said. “But which way will the cookie crumble?” says the voice over man, again stealing my line. What a dirty prick.

So much rests on one little cookie. There’s three different elements which Cougar Lisa is so stressed about she can barely find time to ogle Stefano.

So many stereotypes come into play as Angela asks “who does cookies?”, while Kieran & Nastassia both look at each other and contemplate licking chocolate off each other’s bodies. Kieran doesn’t see cookies as a dessert; Lispy thinks he’s very long-winded and boring “at times”. Even Kieran knows he talks too much – self realisation is a delightful thing.

There’s a lot of love in this dish, and by love Cougar Lisa means semen. Not a quinelle in sights, dinner is served. There’s a hint of trepidation in Lisa’s voice … and more than a hint of regret from the guests. If the proposal was meant to curry favour then it’s all used up.

“What is that – what *IS* that?” asks Lispy. She’s started to blind in her rage against things she can’t identify. Stefano thinks it’s beautiful so that makes it OK.

Pete even leans on the celebration tag when delivering the news: “This dessert is not good.” Even the semifreddo is considered “wrong”. It’s not enjoyable as far as he’s concerned and Manu’s the same. The sheer existence of the raspberry is called into question for even being a raspberry.

Lispy drops her now famous “it’s like eating a slug” in describing the semifreddo. “Even a child would hate it.” She’s hedging her bets. Nastassia is so hungry she eats her dessert, Kieran’s, and at least two balloons full of heroin. It’s that kinda night.

Given how brutal Cougar Lisa has been of the other teams, she knows the schadenfreude is going to flow thick and fast. Let’s see how they go:

Dan & Steph – 3. (S: “That was their time to shine but didn’t.”)
Ali & Samuel – 3.
Angela & Melina – 2.
Kieran & Nastassia – 2. (N: “I had a bone in my rabbit.”)
Ashlee & Sophia – 3. (S: “It was such a waste of my stomach space, it was a train wreck.”)

Guest total = 13/50. Extra points go to Lispy for using so many “S” words when she clearly stumbles over them. Horrid little girl. My Lord Lisa & Stefano are in trouble. “We’re in a pool of sharks right now,” says Cougar Lisa, dumping more fish heads in the water. I don’t think even the judges are going to save them (as is now customary):

P Entree – 5; M Entree – 6. (P: “The dish fell short of what it could have been.”)
P Main – 6; M Main – 5.
P Dessert – 1; M Dessert – 2.

Grand Total = 38/110. Cougar Lisa didn’t smile once. WAY TO RUIN THEIR ENGAGEMENT PARTY, EVERYONE! “At least we’ve got each other while I keep your batteries charged,” smiles Lisa, kissing Stefanobot.

There’s only one thing this could mean… Either the Angry Asian Lesbians are awesome or so incredibly full of fail that this is gonna be amazing. Delicious!