My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
We’re down to a sudden death round in Instant Restaurant 3 – the Gatecrashing. 12 teams started, two teams left, and now the bottom three (Ali & Samuel, Dan & Steph and Lisa & Stefano) have to face off against the Gatecrashers (Kieran & Natassia, Ashlee & Sophia and Angela & Melina). It all begins tonight in the home of one of the “Real Housewives” with lines evenly drawn between the gatecrashers and the last remaining teams. Who will survive tonight as the claws come out?! This is the BEST…

Why is Kieran wearing a cape? More on this as it comes to hand.

Angela & Melina are catching trams everywhere. Angela & Melina are Mums from Victoria – they tell each other EVERYthing. Even the things that you just don’t tell each other. Being Italians they like to eat and even though they don’t look it are both strong business women… in the refuse industry… nudge nudge, wink wink.

The “Real Housewives” race off to the shops via dropping off at large brown paper bag at Uncle Vito’s. Steph says something but is then silenced when two large men arrive and stand over her.

It’s all about the Nonna’s tonight and we’re not just talking about Angela & Melina (though if you cut them in half and counted the rings you’d pretty much find out they’re old enough to be Nonnas).

Naturally they’re sourcing everything from Coles while Pete interprets what the Italian is. The camera pans down and there’s a horses head in his lap. Not dead, just a horse laying it’s head in his lap. How sweet. Explains his smile at least.

The menu doesn’t sound like it’s that much of a challenge to be honest…

Entree – Ricotta Stuffed Zucchini Flowers with melazane ripiene.
Main – Red Wine Beek Cheeks with raddichio and garlic mash.
Dessert – Mango and Passionfruit Summer Delight.

A&M are struggling to find beef cheeks and when they finally do find a butcher with some they dance the girly dance of joy. With bouncing.

Racing home they’ve 20 minutes to set up their Instant Restaurant “Bella Mumma”, which means “Back off Bitch!”. Out comes the fake food to dress the room with and their three hours prep starts as they continue. “OMG! OMG! OMG!” they squeal at each other. That alone takes 20 minutes.

The beef cheeks are the first item to work on as they have to be in the oven for 4-5 hours – everything’s on plan for that.

Manu has a whine about whatever the dessert is supposed to be: “If I don’t know what is, do they?” he asks. It’s basically a layered cake/mousse/cheesecake/something. The ladies are riding close to the wind – oh, that was just Melina dropping a sneaky one.

Time fast running out they dive into the entree but at 20 minutes they go upstairs to change and put on their faces, Hannibal Lecter style. There’s an argument about the sponge/cheesecake thing just as the guests arrive. The Asian Lesbians are “here to win, and we’re confident, and we drink people’s blood so they all stand no chance.” Natassia likens it to Star Wars to impress Kieran because it’s the only part she knows about it. BING BONG.

Strange sounds escape the bodies of Angela & Melina, while Dan ogles them as he arrives. Even the Bella Mummas note that the Asian Lesbians are playing the game from the get go. CAT HISS!

Straight up Stefano says it reminds him a little of home and Ashlee says “it’s a little bit boring”. Time for introductions…

Ashlee & Sophia grew up in Cabramatta so don’t call them Westies. The Westies are “playing homage” to their parents in what they’ll cook. For all the talk of “we’re not Westies and don’t call us Westies” they sure sound like Westies. WESTIES, WESTIES, WESTIES. Oh… they’re still here. Sophia has a certain way of talking to people with a high level of condescension in everything she says.

Keiran & Natassia are mates through Natassia’s husband. They enjoy all nerdy things like fantasy table gaming, wearing capes and ostracising themselves intentionally from society. “I’m an anally-retentive over-achiever, so as far as I’m concerned SHUT UP YOU STUPID COWS OR I’LL SMACK YOU DOWN WITH MY FIFTEENTH LEVEL WARLOCK,” says Natassia.

Sophia thinks they’ll be a team to watch out for just from their vibe. Good lord.

There’s a lot of focus on all the elements of the entree in the kitchen, where Melina declares it to be a garlic fest. They start predicting the arrival of Pete & Manu (Pete’s excited – we can see, as he’s forgotten to zip up his pants). BING BONG The judges are welcomed and seated at the table while Sophia “is dying – no, I’m not dying, I’m already dead. I. Love. Pete Evans. It’s the blue eyes, Its… It’s do have a crush… he is my baby boy.” Pete offers the best self-aware “I’ve just met my stalker” face ever. HOLY SHITBALLS!

The menu is revealed and Stefano will judge them very harshly. He knows good Italian when he knows it. Lisa gives him her best cougar eyes. Ashlee doesn’t think much of the menu as it all seems “pretty safe for two old hags who probably cook this shit all the time.”

The mousse is done; and now the eggplant has to be tested as they’ve changed it. There’s lots of talk of salt but nobody understands why. All the gatecrashers offer they’ll be at the top of the table at the end of the round – from “we’ll win” to “we’ll smash it”. All the existing contestants laugh merrily to themselves as they’ve been there. Ashlee & Lispy talk a big game – can they deliver?!

Frying the zucchini flowers is proving to be worrisome, but both ladies are comfortable with what they’ve prepared (“flag” of sauces and all) and it’s served. Lispy doesn’t like it; Ashlee doesn’t wanna eat it. Pleasantries out of the way, the judges dive in and you could cut the tension with a very rusty knuckleduster.

Manu pauses. He acknowledges their Italian heritage and is disappointed they’ve tried to fine dining it up. It should have been a bit more “Italian”. Pete wondered where the salt was in the melanzane. Where was the love? The “Real Housewives” want to turn the photos of their nonnas on the wall around out of shame.

The guests all dive in and Samuel’s impressed with the flower but disappointed with the eggplant. Natassia liked it, Stefano’s meat was well under. Lispy sighs. She was expecting a lot, but this dish to her is non-sensical. “Overall, I’m disappointed,” says Lispy. The old hands are well pleased with this development.

“Right, we’re gonna get this main right,” says Melina. “No more presentation, it’s now all about the flavours,” says Angela. Nails, old metal, rustic. They’re not second guessing themselves again, are they? There’s lots of worry over the radicchio but thank goodness the beef cheeks has come up a treat.

“The main isn’t intimidating,” offers Beardy Kieran. Sophia wants the beed cheeks to collapse at her will. Stefano loves cheeks… any cheeks he can get. Ali’s comfortable that there’s support from the other MKR teams because they’ve been there before.

Lispy doesn’t care. She’s not here to make lifelong friends. She’s here to take home her baby boy Pete.

Angela’s managed to overwhip the potato while somehow making it still lumpy. How do you do that? I know – let’s add cream! Oops, too much. The “Real Housewives” are going crazy – in getting the lumps out they find a fork that looks to have been cooked in with the potato!

Do they start again? It’s giving Melina the Hair Bear “anxiety”. Angela’s turning it into glue. Oh well – let’s add the beef cheeks and the sauce. Still with the anxiety, Hair Bear? It’s become a plonkfest of plating – SERVICE!

Dan’s thinking he’s about to eat the best mashed potato he’s ever had. How wrong he might be. The “Real Housewives” are relaxed that the beef cheeks are cooked to perfection – they’re falling apart as the judges cut into them.

Manu says the mash has too much elasticity (thanks, FORK!), but he loves the rest of the dish. “Did he say “perfection”?!” Hair Bear asks. Both judges agree the radicchio was well cooked and the cheeks were a winner. The ladies retreat to the kitchen for their summer surprise.

Dan tastes the mash. He’s disappointed (and so is everyone else at the table). Lisa didn’t think much of the meat – she’s in full ruthless mode. Lispy has only just realised that it’s them against her and describes the main as being en pointe: oozy, sexy – a killer dish. Dan & Steph are agog.

Angela & Melina have their dessert well in hand, but considering it’s a made-up dish they’re confident it’ll surprise everyone. Lispy doesn’t know what it is… so she doesn’t know what to expect. Samuel tries to alert her that everything changes when they’re in the kitchen, but the kind warning is passed off.

The mango mousse isn’t coming out of the pan like they’d hoped – they floured the pan, but they didn’t put greaseproof paper in. It seemed to be well stuck and then – “It’s coming, it’s coming!” – and then it pops out. Mousse layer on, cream layer on, World War Three between friends is almost on. Everything comes together nicely and they plate and serve their cubic masterpiece.

Finally, everyone gets to see just exactly what “Summer Delight” is. “It’ll wanna be a cracker of a cake, or have a small packet of herion in the bottom,” says Samuel.

Manu expected so much more from Angela & Melina. It’s just sponge and some other stuff – it’s too basic. It jarred for Pete because the mousse was more cheesecake-ish rather than moose-ish. He tells them to not beat themselves up as they’re the first team and they shouldn’t worry. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


The guests taste and Lispy delivers her now immortal sigh and: “Look, I don’t understand it, nor do I like it.” She’s confused – is it an omelette? More sighs. She’s rendered speechless – TAKE NOTE OTHER TEAMS!!! Her dark heart has revealed it’s true self.

Everyone else lines up for judgement…

Lisa & Stefano – 1.
Dan & Steph – 2.
Ali & Samuel – 4. (S: “I loved the stuffed zucchini flower.”)
Kieran & Natassia – 6. (K: “I loved myself in the bathroom.”)
Ashlee & Sophia – 5. (S: “I loved the main.”)

Guest total = 18/50. Shit just got real up in here – BRUTAL. Of course this sets the rest of the teams up for some very clear criticism from the gatecrashers. How delightful is that gonna be!? Lisa now tries to backpedal and justify her score of 1. It doesn’t work and she’s left with eggplant on her face.

P Entree – 6; M Entree – 5. (M: “I was expecting a little bit more of a traditional Italian dish.”)
P Main – 7; M Main – 8. (P: “This main course was what I was looking for from you tonight.”)

The joy of the “Real Housewives” will be short lived.

P Dessert – 3; M Dessert – 3.

Grand Total = 50/110. Wow. That sets a very interesting bar for the rest of this round… with the other gatecrashers fold, or will the bigger expectations on the existing teams provide them with a chance to stick in there? It’s off to Dan & Steph’s tomorrow night where we can expect a meaty, sausage-filled disaster. OMG. LOL. WTF. Delicious!