My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
After a week of success (for most) and failure (for some) it all comes down to this: Ali & Samuel vs Angela & Melina. It’s exactly how Ashlee & Lispy planned it(!). It’s gonna be intense if for no other reason than it’s obvious that Karen Martini telegraphs who she’s talking to in the intro. THIS IS THE BEST!

Scary Kitchen HQ. Ali & Samuel have drawn the white aprons, while Angela & Melina have drawn the black aprons (and the worst smack talk ever).


It’s always ironic when the judges ask the competitors – the worst two from the week – to deliver their very best or they’re going home. As if they’d save it for now instead of offering it in the other competitions to STOP them going into this contrived elimination cook off! The competitors nod as if the understand everything.

Samuel confuses everyone by telling the judges they’ll get a “heart on the plate… not mine, but what’s in it.” That not only sounds stupid but entirely disgusting. Anglea & Melina intend on delivering dishes from their heritage because nothing else has worked to date.

The teams are sent off to their cooking holes and Ali & Samuel are first to offer their menu:
A&S Entree – Polenta with flathead and red capsicum salsa
A&S Main – Masterstock Lamb with brussel sprouts and steamed buns
A&S Dessert – Pistachio and Almond Tart with orange ice cream

Given there’s ice cream it opens up all sorts of possible failure considering the failures we’ve seen before. Speaking of failures, Angela & Melina’s menu looks… possible:
A&M Entree – Barramundi with salsa verde and asparagus
A&M Main – Homemade Cicatelli Pasta with italian ragu
A&M Dessert – Lemon Custard with biscotti and amaretto granita

So, yeah. They’re all definitely dishes. With Angela focusing on dessert it allows Melina to reveal her lack of inner monologue describing every last bit of her ragu.

Samuel also has inner monologue issues, but polenta is king so it’ll absorb anything, including his incessant yapping. Ali warns him the polenta tastes a little bit grainy but her persists anyway.

Angela is so focused on her biscotti. She loves it. For that matter so is Melina which will be a problem as she’s meat to be working on the ragu.

Over the fence the polenta has distracted Samuel longer than he’d hope. Ali’s finished the ice cream (a likely story) but there’s always pastry to be done. She keeps reminding Samuel that he should make another batch of polenta, which he does. Not even dating her and he’s pussy whipped. Can’t she just fall into your deep, dreamy eyes and say yes Samuel?

The Italian mamas are very happy with their progress. The biscotti is almost done, the ragu is one, and Melina is hard at work on the granita while Angela is working on the lemon custard. Spontaneous applause breaks out at least three times in this short segment for no apparent reason until – OH NO! – Melina has problems getting a tray in the freezer. News at eleven.

The second polenta batch is done, but at what cost? Samuel starts on the fish and as there’s no time to debone the fish properly he decides just to use the tails. It’ll affect the cooking time but that’s something to panic about later.

One thing Angela has never been accused of is stirring the pot – until now when she very clearly is. The cliches are flowing thick and fast tonight. The “fish” isn’t even in the “oven” yet. Melina feels like she’s in the third stage of labour when Angela alerts her to a burning smell that might be their ragu. As Melina assures us if it’s burned they’re in a world of pain. Can’t be bothered checking though. There’s fish to wrap and custard to sieve.

Sam shocks everyone by trying to gee up Ali & Samuel when they’re all just looking on with a concerned face. Samuel unloads a whole lot of commands on Ali and they wash over her like so many sweet words whispered in her ear from the man himself. Yeah, RIGHT!

Polentagate continues to spin out of control for the Tasmanian friends as the second batch hasn’t set enough to cut and the first batch is considered “too grainy”… exactly like Ali said in the first place, dickhead. Being a typical male Samuel over-reacts over the polenta. Time is ticking away but at least Ali knows they’ve gotta be pushing on – 8 minutes to go (but seemingly 10 minutes over the fence) to go.

Melina’s inability to understand how an over work may have caught the girls off guard, but now that the polenta has been fried Ali & Samuel determine they need to try to fry the second batch. But four minutes to go and Melina’s fish isn’t cooked.

There’s no time… Samuel’s plating the second polenta without frying and the Italian mamas are plating their nearly undercooked fish super quick. “I can hardly feel my emotions any more,” says a very in touch with herself Melina.

Time runs out and both sides get their entrees plated in a way they’re happy with. The reflections in the green room are that all four contestants aren’t happy with what they served to start with but know they’ve still got two other courses in which to salvage any sort of self respect.

The judges are rolled in, again without introduction. WE SHOULD JUST KNOW WHO THEY ARE FROM THEIR VIBRATIONS.

Nothing can please New Guy. He’s turned his nose up already. They taste Ali & Samuel’s flathead with polenta first and Karen is pro-fish, anti-capsicum. Same with Egan. New Guy doesn’t like any of it – so many complaints. “There’s just not a lot of love in there,” says Pete. The other contestants taste the food but nobody cares what they think.

Angela & Melina’s barramundi is good – Grossi loves the salsa verdi but Pete notes the fish is overcooked slightly. Manu doesn’t like the crispy prosciutto with the bland fish. Confirmed: Ashlee & Lispy don’t like Angela & Melina.

With the judges removed, the teams are called back amidst a lacklustre round of applause. Only one hour to deliver their main and so it’s chaos. Samuel knows the steamed buns need to be good and that masterstock lamb has to be perfect.

Melina tastes the ragu – they got away clean. Still more work to be done, though, as they’ve got to make their pasta. Manu spends a lot of time explaining how the pasta is made to Pete, who humours him by attempting to give him his full attention.

Samuel is free pouring the ingredients for the masterstock which has both Pete & Manu concerned. “You just have to do as we say on these kinds of recipes,” says Pete well after the meal is tasted.

Angela’s an old fashioned girl so she’s put her bustle on and seven layered petticoat. Both ladies are now kneading the pasta and it’s got Melina quite excited. Quite. Excited. “Kneading the dough” is what she used to call it at boarding school.

Cutting strips in the world’s biggest lamb leg Samuel laments that it should have been done earlier, but that’s now up to the pressure cooker to decide.

Both Mamas are now making a whole bunch of pasta while they watch the ragu needing some attention and there’s so much to be done. They’re flustered. At least Ali’s in control – ice cream in the freezer and Samuel looks to have everything under control until he checks the steamed buns: they’re not cooking. Samuel doesn’t want to plate them and Ali’s pressing him for a Plan B. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE COMMUNICATE PROPERLY?!

Ashlee & Lispy are seeing Angela & Melina’s destruction as some kind of Roman-era spectator sport.

Five minutes to go and there’s plating everywhere for Ali & Samuel, while Angela & Melina “have a moment”. It looks like all the successfully cooked components have made it on the plate and so there is rejoicing on one side and relief on the other. The contestants retire to catch their breath and enter the nameless men (& women) to judge.

As a precursor to judging Samuel notes their lamb doesn’t have all the love and heart their other dishes did(!) while Angela feels they got it right with their ragu.

The judges dive into Angela & Melina’s ragu/pasta combo first. Liz Egan likes it without even having to say so. She orgasms at the table, to which Guy Grossi adds “I’ll have what she’s having.” New Guy forgives the ladies for not enough salt while Martini thinks it looks like a “bowlful of love”. She doesn’t have a lot of sex.

Ali & Samuel’s masterstock lamb is already considered a joke by New Guy before he even tastes it. “That’s not braised meat that’s ruined meat,” says Liz Egan. New Guy holds his tongue well but on prompting from Manu offers this: “My time is quite valuable and I’m not wasting my time eating another bit of this. It’s a cookery competition and this is an abomination.” So I guess he didn’t like it.

No more judges which means dessert is on. In the worst piece of scripted interplay yet Joanna asks the Victorian team what they’re making for dessert. *shudder*.

Ali’s responsible for the tarts and she’s got them in the oven in time. She hopes. Angela is finally getting their candied lemon twists don’t have time to be mad but Angela & Melina push on anyway. When they wrap them on a spoon they’re not hardening so the freezer is called off the bench again.

Jake reminds us that Ali & Samuel’s cake needs to be vajazzled to save them from certain elimination as the team plate their cake. The candied lemon twists are now lemony thingys. ONE MINUTE – JUST PLATE STUFF, PEOPLE!!!

The contestant countdown complete they are again banished to the anti-room. Craig mumbles and nobody listens. Samuel’s positive and Angela & Melina are downcast. They’re the Elaine & George of this competition.

Ali & Samuel’s tart and ice cream is a winner with all the judges – even New Guy (though he does complain over the portion size). Lispy loved it but that’s because it wasn’t made by the Mamas. Angela & Melina’s dessert was considered OK but lacking some flavour – Pete calls it early and offers the dessert from Team 1 (Ali & Samuel) is the better of the two.

And so now: the ritualised bastardisation that is the judgement. As soft as Pete & Manu try and make it both teams know they didn’t do well. Angela & Melina’s meals are commented on first and someone gave Grossi first dibs – he gives them a 6. Egan “liked” it, but not in a going out kinda way – 6. Martini struggled with the dessert – 5. New Guy is blunt, and by blunt I mean brutal – 5. Both Pete & Manu give the ladies a 6, leaving them with 34/60.

Ali & Samuel are about to feel the full force of the judge’s comments, and New Guy wasn’t happy with the first two dishes but declares the dessert their redemption. Grossi, Martini & Egan all agree with New Guy though that doesn’t stop them from pontificating. No scores, seemingly. Pete & Manu lecture Samuel on the polenta and just because Manu doesn’t use vinegar in his polenta means nobody else should (take note, people). The ice cream gets big ups from the hosts.

The change in delivery of scores between the two teams is disconnected and just feels wrong. No consistency.

But Ali & Samuel’s scores are sure to surprise noone:
Egan – 5. Martini – 4. Grossi – 4. Fassnidge – 3. Manu – 5. Pete – 5.
Total = 26/60.

I CALL SHENANIGANS on the producers for using the Martini “I don’t know what happened in your kitchen” sound byte reversed at the top of the show. Poor form indeed.

Beyond that, bye bye Ali & Samuel. It’s been a bad week for Tasmania. Samuel’s gutted, as are the producers there was no marriage proposal from him to Ali. Pete lies in saying “We’re gonna miss you guys and I’m sure the others will too.” The Sausage King describes this as his darkest day in his MKR experience – but he clearly forgets his Instant Restaurant nightmares.

The teams are off to the Melbourne Cup to prepare canapes for the rich & Channel 7 famous. Delicious!