My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
Previously, on My Kitchen Rules, all the rules were thrown out the window so it became My Kitchen Needs New Rules which Minout & Pete gladly made up on the spot. The new rules were brutal with one team being “sent home” after cooking only three bad dishes. FFS, who’d work with a professional chef?! Again teams have failed leaving Cupcake and Joanna to face off against Mick & Matt in what is surely going to be the most underwhelming promise since Travolta & Cage starred in that movie where they swap faces for some reason. THIS IS THE BEST…

Never before has Kitchen HQ looked more ominous. Except for every other sudden death cook off. Mick & Matt enter through the pretend doors, followed by Cupcake & Joanna. All of them have achieved true zen and can now speak without moving their lips.

Pete tells them this is their chance to redeem themselves – at least for one team. M’nu repeats EVERY thing that Pete says. Mick & Matt’s bond is called into question as it being something that could cause them all sorts of problems later on. “Head chef, sous chef,” says Matt looking at his dad, leaving him with even more questions as to who’s in charge.

Cupcake is questioned as to her ability to handle any sort of pressure and she melts in front of the judges. Joanna is ready to stab her in the face already. As the girls strap on their aprons Joanna gives Cupcake her inspriating speech. This isn’t gonna end well.

With only 90 minutes to prepare and deliver their entrees, Matt immediately starts telling us everything he’s doing as if we’re all blind. Watching TV. It’s his sausage moment. Mick confirms he doesn’t want to go home because there’s nothing but pain, ghosts and debt collectors waiting for them back in Tasmania.

The menu from the father/son/brothers team look to be… safe as houses. I mean how could you stuff this lot up?!:
Mick & Matt (TAS)
Entree – Hot & Spicy Prawns with coconut lime rice
Main – Grilled Trevalla with lentils and raita
Dessert – Cappucino Cheesecake with Italian meringue

The menu from the SA friends again looks to be simple and straight forward. Cue meltdown:
Cupcake & Joanna (SA)
Entree – Squid with fennel and herb salad
Main – Braised Beef Ribs with chickpeas and broccolini
Dessert – Mango Mousse with macadamia crumble

Joanna slices through the squid like she’d gut Cupcake if she doesn’t pull her weight. “I’ll be doing savoury, while that bitch only does dessert,” says Joanna. Of course Samuel weighs in with his opinion but nobody hears him as we all fall into his dreamy eyes… if only he saw Ali.

Pete lectures M’nou that the beef ribs should be the first thing they’d be working on. Basically, Cupcake should be helping and she’s not.

As if delivering a cookbook for the blind, Matt lists all his ingredients and what he’s gonna do. Except failure, he left out failure.

Cupcake is feeling nervous, and Ashlee & Lispy have nothing but venom for the South Australian girls. “If that dessert doesn’t set by the time we have to serve it, we’ll have no dessert tonight,” shares Cupcake, “And that’s the last thing we want because I’m such a good pastry chef and did you know I work for a high-end patisserie yet I can’t seem to be able to deliver a dessert AT ALL?!”

Mick’s smashing it and we’re starting to see where Matt gets his outer monologue from. It’s a fine line between pleasure and pain when it comes making their hot and spicy prawns but Mick’s confident he’s got the recipe right considering he’s reading it from the autocue.

With the mousse in the fridge Cupcake is busying herself with something while Joanna is working like two crazy banshees on the squid. The ribs are still untouched. Joanna has poached the squid and Manout is worried they’ll overcook it and make it rubbery. He’d cook it a different way but, you know… what does he know?

Ratios are a problem for Mick & Matt right now. They’re trying to get the coconut rice worked out but Mick’s worried about the proportions of rice to coconut. Matt’s in charge so he’s got it all under control… but, you know… they’re a “team”.

Mayneout shouts at the girls to get a move on. They ignore him but Joanna does finally get the ribs out of the fridge(!). There’s lots of hushed, concerned talk between the hosts as they note the girls may be up shit creek.

Kerrie shouts out the time. Everyone completely misses that Craig is standing next to her.

More worried talk about the ribs. WHO WILL THINK OF THE RIBS AND THEIR CHILDREN?

“Surely we’ll nail them on the seafood, mate,” say Mick.
“Bloody hope so,” says Matt.
Most. Aussie guys. Ever.

There was a mention of cheesecake but all the focus is on the ribs that need to be in the oven and they’re only just being seared. Finally Cupcake is helping out with something other than the dessert, which makes Joanna even more worried – now she has to watch her as well as get the ribs done.

Everyone’s got an opinion (not that we care). Manwah keeps looking at the clock and his watch and wondering why they don’t say the same time. Mick & Matt realise they’ve burnt the bottom of the rice. “Ahh maaate.” Pete knows the taste is going to have carried through. ONLY ONE MINUTE TO GO and the Italian Mamas are now styling themselves on the Real Housewives of fucking Toorak.

Panic as the cheesecakes have to come out, causing more tension for the Tasmanians. Simply plating is a stress for the South Australians. The clock times out and the entree is ready to be served, so the teams are sent to their shipping container “green room” to wait until they are beckoned for mains. It’s just like working in the Apple factory.

Entree the judges. At least there’s no poncy introduction, but Pete does introduce the food to the judges. Nobody says a word.

Guy Grossi’s plugs love the prawn, and Karen Martini thinks the sauce is far too sweet. New guy mumbles something. When they all move onto the squid there’s overall a good feeling for the dish, but the squid is missing flavour from being grilled or fried – blanching doesn’t cut it. And then, like so many reality stars before them, the judges are gone to return later in the night.

The teams are called back with one hour to cook the main courses. Mick runs for the first time in 30 years. His poor knees. At least he and Matt have a strong plan to deliver their meal. Mick knows if he can’t deliver this dish he won’t be able to show his face back at the “fish cooking society” at home.

Cupcake & Joanna are really pleased that their braised beef is kicking on but not entirely tender yet – time to bring in the pressure cooker that they’d been using as their panic room so far.

Back over the wall Mick’s all over the fish like he was all over Matt’s sister/mum 20 years ago. They seem well on target for delivering their meal and so it’s back over the wall to the girls who, with 43 minutes to go, have only just put the chickpeas on. Maybe not so much a puree as little balls of pain.

No mushy lentils & split peas here (Mick likes to have a bit of texture himself). That’s just how he rolls.

25 minutes to go the girls have started on some homemade bread and the boys are cooking their fish main. The perceived lack of oil on the fish pan raises the tension between the bro’s as the fish is clearly sticking. The girls have their own problems where the frypan they were going to use for their bread isn’t hot enough so it’s not cooking, and neither have the chickpeas.

Now that Joanna is starting to lose it Cupcake is barely holding it together – even worse when Joanna announces that she thinks they’ll be going home today. It’s not what Cupcake wants to hear. So many mentions of “bone” and not one penis reference – you must be so proud of me.

The meat’s not ready, the sauce is too watery because of the pressure cooker, and the chickpeas – don’t get Joanna started. It’s no bed of roses for Mick & Matt either as the great fish sticking conspiracy only continues to make the boys angry at each other.

Plating leads to a coup in the boys camp and even more panic for the girls. Mick confuses it with an AFL game and thinks he can hear the crowd. The clock times out and Joanna is really upset at what she and Cupcake have served. She’s mortified (nowhere near as much as she will be when she hears the judges comments later).

Matt told Mick to “get fucked”. Not before time, either.

The judges are pulling the fish dish apart – there’s inconsistencies with the fish and the lentils and peas. They all agree it’s better than the entree from the same dish. When they start on the beef ribs they notice that everything’s all undercooked. Manwah’s loving it, and we’re all loving his new hairstyle. Pete knows another half an hour would have nailed it and he’s frustrated by the fact they didn’t put the ribs on first (so he nicks out back to quickly rub one out).

30 minutes to present dessert and the teams are into it. Cupcake’s narration has a quiver about it that leads us to believe she’s about to explode into a ball of glitter. Minute calls her the “dessert queen” and we all know he means in the gay way, not in the talented way.

“When the pressure gets to me today I’m gonna stay strong, stay strong for (Joanna) and push through it,” says Cupcake, dissolving into tears. She wants to use sago in their dessert because “it’s just like caviar”. Cupcake has never tasted caviar.

Even Matt calls Cupcake the “dessert queen”. Perhaps it’s an in-joke within the cast and crew? To prove all theories of self sabotage he then scrapes off the top of ALL the cheesecakes he’s made so they look like the two he partially ruined. Good lord.

Only 15 minutes to go and for one team it’ll be all they have to do. There’s concern over the look of the cheesecakes but Matt has a plan – to copy everything Cupcake is doing. Except maybe turn the sago into a gelatinous mess. It’s just like that time at band camp for her all over again.

“Without the sago, this may not be special enough,” says Joanna, noting her game life is in her oft-exploding friend’s hands.

Matt starts piping the meringue on the cheesecakes as Cupcake tries to caramelise the macadamias. One minute to go and it’s chaos. 10 seconds count down and it’s all done – not all dishes plated perfectly, but it’s job done for both teams. Relax, put your feet up, feel over confident… it’ll all be revealed shortly.

Dessert one (cheesecake) is tarnished because the bottom of the mould has been left under the small cakes. Grossi whines about the graininess of the cheesecake but refuses to hear he’s done worse. Dessert two (mousse) is noted to be missing the sago that was promised with it.

Judgement and gorging complete, the teams are called back into Kitchen HQ for the ritualised bastardisation that is MKR judging. Mick feels confident just looking at how the girls appear at the end of the comp. Joanna can’t stop shaking. Cupcake can’t feel her legs, but that’s just her type II diabetes finally kicking in signalling a double amputation will be required any tick of the clock.

The girls are revealed as Team Two (knowing looks of unknowingness from the judges as asides), and Martini starts the delivery of judgement. She loved the entree and thought the main was just missing 30 more minutes in cooking. She also claims the dessert was “sublime”. “Girls, you really thought this menu through,” says Karen, and awards them a 7 overall. Joanna is gobsmacked.

Guy asks if one of the girls has an Italian background because he’s entirely racist against WASPs. He gives them a 7. As does Liz Egan. New Guy wasn’t impressed with the first two dishes, but would serve the dessert in his own restaurant because he has such low standards. He still also gives them a 7.

Mantrout lectures them on getting the beef done first next time. He and Pete both give them 7’s – 42/60 in total.

Point of order – all the discussion at the table about how crap everything was and then all this happy, uplifting judge talk is the worst kind of misdirection. Poor form indeed.

For some reason, now that the girls have been revealed as Team Two, Manit still points out that Mick & Matt are Team One. They recount their suspect meals and Pete gives them a sly smile. He knows too much and must be killed immediately.

Karen lectures the boys on how to pontificate over someone else’s food. She gives them a 5 and the boys know it’s downhill from here. New Guy tells them their overall skill is what let them down, and awards them a 4. “Nah, that’s not good,” says Mick. No shit Sherlock.

5’s from Grossi & Egan continue to reinforce what Matt just told us – they’re ready to leave, as well they should be. Minnie & Pete gush over the boys dishes but then only award them 6’s – a total of 31/60. The boys are done.

Congratulations to Cupcake & Joanna – they live to meltdown far more spectacularly in a future episode. In a crushing blow for producers the demise of Mick & Matt have been eliminated and Mick tries to kiss Matt. Nobody was ready for either thing. The boys are summarily dismissed and the other teams rush in to say farewell. “They’ll be really sorely missed,” says Elle, “Because they pretty much sheltered us from any negative attention.”

Mick & Matt are understandably proud, but still worried about turning up to the fish cooking society next week.

Tomorrow the teams have to prepare meals for 200 kids at Taronga Zoo for no apparent reason. If nothing else it will allow Ashlee & Lispy to be a whole lot nastier again as they seemed to have the night off tonight. Delicious!