My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
Last week we got introduced to a whole other group of teams, and bingo-bango Sam & Chris delivered a lacklustre 64, but at least they’re at the top of the table. Tonight Candice and her mum-suffering-through-her-mid-life-crisis-and-wants-to-be-her-best-friend Lisa turn it on in WA. There’s promises of big things (including alleged strategy from the South Australian bitch & her mate Cupcake). Let’s do this thing…

In Perth everything is more expensive just because of the mining boom. Even the stock footage is expensive. Lisa introduces herself with a swift “believe it or not, we’re mother and daughter” after which Candice threw up in an especially provided bucket. The ‘sisters’ have a thing for leopard print ever since that time they went to the Rose Hancock-Porteous finishing school.

As former beauty queens (Miss Busselton 1978/2008), they’re determined to put their best feet forward as soon as they can remove them from each other’s mouths. They both own up to not having an inner monologue. Just as well as they’re on a reality TV show that depends on it.

The shopping starts with the ‘sisters’ putting the finishing touches on their make up in the car before they leave the driveway. There’s lots of seafood in their entree and some new form of sausage in flake form. Candice fancies herself as “a little bit of an astrologer, a little bit of a tarot reader, and full of a whole lot of bullshit”, while Lisa just fancies herself.

As they continue to shop their menu is revealed:
Entree – Seafood Casserole of prawns, mussels, dhufish and scallops with chorizo flakes.
Main – Pork with pancetta crackle, vegetable medley, onion puree, brandy jus and a cider jelly shot.
Dessert – Pumpkin Pie with toffee cashews and banana cream.

Manu is concerned with the main as there’s a lot going on – he’d need a whole team and there’s just the two of them. Lisa affirms she’s hip and funky and nobody believes her. Jenna bitches about the WA ‘sisters’ in her first piece to camera tonight.

Lisa & Candice’s Instant Restaurant is called “D’Lish” and it’s meant to be a funky and hip reflection of a New York style which is reflecting of the girls. Nobody believes this. The clock starts and they’re still finishing the table and they end up wasting 30 minutes of their prep time.

It’s all chop chop chop in the kitchen and Manu’s excited about the dessert… until he learns Candice is making the pastry. All she wants is control in the kitchen and in the bedroom, but her Mum insists in meddling with both and eventually takes over (both). My God they even dress in the same shades of block colours.

“Apple Cider Jelly – what the heck?!” says Manu on his seventh take, having used swears for the first six.

15 minutes to go and the guests are walking up the driveway(?!) so the ‘sisters’ race off to get dressed – in the same block colours again. Sam’s hoping they don’t do “as well” as he and Chris, and Dan notes “they look exactly the same… if you look at them from afar.”

It’s a sea of purple and lime green in “Delish” and the WOWs aren’t because it looks good, it’s because the guest’s retinas are burning out. Samuel notes it’s a New York theme without the New York. Jenna is a bitch again while Cupcake nods on.

The ‘sisters’ welcome their guests then head back to the kitchen. Cupcake breaks her rubik’s cube which provides some humour for the rest of the table. “We are playing the sweet little girls at the moment,” says Joanna, “Because we don’t want them to be harsh on us when they come to our Restaurant.” “Yeah, Restaurant,” adds Cupcake.

It’s a seafood holocaust in the kitchen as the entree is in full swing as BING BONG Pete & Manu arrive. They have to BING BONG twice as Lisa & Candice are spending so long to come to the table. “I hope they’re going to deliver delish,” says Manu. Dan’s gob-smacked but only because Candice slapped him into submission as he sat down.

Stating the obvious Lisa notes that all the seafood cooks for different lengths. Also pouring homemade chicken stock down the sink to try and get the fat off the top is a bad idea – but Lisa thwarts her own bad plan by getting some frozen bread out of the freezer to soak up the fat, just like at the clinic yesterday.

Entree is plated and served without a hint of trauma and the ‘sisters’ are on tenterhooks. Manu is disappointed the scallops aren’t caramelised, but offers he’s really surprised the entree turned out so well. “It’s hard to fault actually,” says Pete. Jenna is bitchy again about Sam & Chris.

Steph’s really impressed with the entree, as is Samuel. “This competition is about to step up a notch,” says Luke, loading his shotgun. Lisa & Candice quickly change into flamenco outfits and appear for their guests and perform a brief song and dance show. “It was awkward at the start,” said Dan, “And then it got awkwarder.”

So. Very. New York.

Quick change again and the ‘sisters’ are back in the kitchen for their main. “We often say ‘less is more’ but maybe we can learn something today,” says Manu. Lisa knows they’re under the pump based on Candice’s complaining: “We’ve got some pancetta that’s not cut consistency… wise…”

Two frying pans on the go for pork, a beef stock on reduction for the jus, the crackle is burning, and not once has anyone pointed out how much like sisters Lisa & Candice look.

All the guests are debating as to the success of the main, and Samuel is owning the competition. “Samuel talks a good talk,” says Dan. “He’s really up with his words and stuff.” You’ll get your turn to show off that V8 BBQ soon enough, bogans from Hervey Bay.

Lisa’s lecturing herself not to panic while admitting that main has too many elements in it and they’re struggling to bring it all together. The beetroot is now near-inedible, and the potato has progressed to crunchy chunks but you can’t serve a medley with only two things.

It’d be unkind at this point to label Lisa & Candice as WA’s Kath & Kim. Unkind to Jane Turner & Gina Riley.

Candice yells at her mum when it comes to plating, and with the semi-set jelly shots on the side it’s a world of pain in the making. “OK dudes,” says Candice, “Get this into ya.”

“It looks tacky,” says Jenna. “Like a baby both pooped and threw up on the plate.”

General rule for cooking show contestants: whenever you say to the judges you’re trying to be ‘quirky and funky and different and funny and interesting’, they know you’ve got not idea. NO. IDEA.

Pete introduces the main by reading it off the menu. Seven minutes later once he’s finished reading it he likens their dish to an opera. “You started with a love story, and then main course comes out and it’s a tragedy.” Not one part of it has been shown love or respect. Manu lectures the ‘sisters’ on the fact they over-stretched.

Everyone struggles with the main, especially the undercooked crackling. Cupcake looks down her nose at Steph who is struggling to chomp down on her “lolly snake” of crackle and brands it unladylike – nay, even unAustralian.

Cupcake didn’t expect her pork being so pink (which surprises Scott because he notes she loves pink things). Sam thinks the main has put he and Chris in a better position, but his team-mate sets him straight – “We’re stuffed”.

The beauty queens haven’t even rolled the pastry for the pies, and in getting it out of the fridge have determined they’ve left it in their too long and it’s now rock hard. Candice bangs it in the microwave to thaw it out, just as Manu arrives to “boost their spirits after the car accident that was their main”.

The microwave experiment worked and the girls are now rolling the pastry out. 45 minutes after main the discussion at the table has Manu asking Samuel how he’d cook the pie, and Samuel offers the pie cases should have been blind baked this afternoon – he’s surprised to learn they’ve not even blind baked yet. Someone pour me another wine and let’s settle in because dessert is gonna be a couple of hours.

Cupcake gets the chance to list her resume for us:
1. Works in a “high-class” patisserie.
2. Self-taught cupcake artist.
3. There is no third thing.


Ali & Samuel eye off Cupcake and The Bitch as the ‘quiet achievers’ who’ll probably surprise everyone, but those with an eagle eye will have noted in the promos that Cupcake has a complete meltdown over a course. Ehhh-xcellent [Mr Burns Fingers]!!!

At the table it’s nearly two hours since main and the rubik’s cubes are ready to become projectiles. Candice wonders if they’ve even still got guests (clearly nobody is on drink duty). Scott notes they’re hungry and expecting big things.

Despite their instincts telling them otherwise they can’t let the desserts wait so they pull them out of the oven and plate and serve and “let’s just see how we go”. I can’t tell if that’s blind optimism or grand self-delusion. Whatever it is, it doesn’t work.

The judges have tasted and come up with a united response: No Gary, no! The pastry undercooked and the cream tastes like the essence hasn’t been mixed in properly. “Those essences – they’re made of… chemicals?…” says/questions Pete – Who can tell??!! The filling of the pie is the only success for the ‘sisters’ in this course. Lisa & Candice discuss their imminent failure in the kitchen while the rest of their guests tuck into their undercooked desserts. Big fail imminent.

Sam & Chris – 5.
Luke & Scott – 6. (L: “The entree was a great success.”)
Jenna & Joanna – 6. (Jo: “The crackle was like a thong.”)
Ali & Samuel – 6.
Dan & Steph – 4.

Guest total = 27/50. Not a great start for the ‘sisters’ and you can tell the score they’re presented with from their peers is a bit of a shell shock. It’s also one less than Sam & Chris. Oooh! Let’s see what Pete & Manu have to say…

P Entree – 9; M Entree – 8. (P: “A near pefect dish – simple and well executed.”)
P Main – 3 (“and that’s generous”); M Main – 3. (M: “Too many ingredients on the plate.”)
P Dessert – 3; M Dessert – 4.

Grand Total = 57/110. Each number below 7 was a body blow. “I think we deserve at least 64,” says Candice with absolutely no reasoning. “This instant restaurant was a failure. BAM-BOW!” smiles The Bitch. At least Sam & Chris can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing they’re not going home this round.

Tomorrow night it’s back to Taswegia to sample all the delights Ali & Samuel can muster in a sexually-charged-but-completely-platonic way. Team Tassie turn it on and everyone is invited through the looking glass. Lisa & Candice are hell-bent on white-anting everyone BUT THEN THERE’S THE CHEATING ACCUSATIONS TO DEAL WITH!… Delicious!