MasterChef Australia All StarsSun 6:30pm, Mon-Thu 7pm, Ch10
Last night on Masterchef All Stars, Dani was eliminated in a blaze of angularity, as she returned to Denmark, the birthplace of Lego. Tonight, it’s c**t night with Curtis Stone, as he whips the remaining contestants into shape over two rounds.

Dawn breaks over some nameless, ugly city. “Were finally at the pointy end” says Chris, completing the tour of his genitals for keen viewers. Without further ado, they arrive at Masterchef kitchen. “Full of energy, lots to come” promises Gary, explaining the boxes and boxes of tissues.

Preston provides a broad introduction to Curtis Stone, who walks in and appears to have had a jaw implant, such is his Hollywood lifestyle. “One of the beautiful things about Curtis Stone is even though he has this huge…” says Kate, as he hugs the contestants.

“First round is keeping up with Curtis” says Gary, in a task designed to test their eye and hand coordination and their ability to follow a leader. The one with the best dish gets to sit out the second, elimination, round. Curtis lifts the cloche to reveal his signature lobster ravioli.

“First thing were gonna do is weigh out the pasta dough” says Curtis, as Julie plans to go like the Clappers, who were a 1920s musical group known for honest, down to earth folk music. Curtis moves onto the stock and adds the shellfish, before blanching the lobster.

“I’m feeling a little frazzled by this because he’s going so fast” says Justine, who managed to find time to leave the kitchen and make that comment to camera. When she gets back to her bench Gary approaches her and tells her to “Hustle” as well as “do the Bus Stop”.

“It’s time to get the meat out of this lobster” says Stone, euphemisms oozing out of every pore. Chris mimics Stone move for move, pausing only when he adjusts his testicles. “The question is are you keeping up with Curtis Stone?” No George, the question is what’s happened to Curtis’ chin?

“Curtis is showing us a different technique” says Justine, as she explores the hidden depths of Lovemaking 101. “Just to remind you guys when Curtis stops you stop to so if it’s not on the plate we don’t taste it” says Gary, but fails to consider what happens if someone tries to SHOVE IT DOWN HIS THROAT! Kate is concerned her raviolo isn’t cooked, but she has to plate up as the final ten seconds are counted down. Through the magic of television everyone manages to plate up even though some were dangerously behind.

Kate’s dish is tasted first and she is worried the pasta is too thick. However, George is more concerned about the lack of salt. Callum follows, and his sauce has been over reduced “dragging that seafood down too much” claims Stone. “I felt quite good most of that challenge” says Julie, who is up next “until all went to hell in a hand basket in the last 20 seconds”. Clearly it came back from hell, because there is something on her plate. Justine comes after Julie, and the judges like what they see, as well as being impressed by how the dish looks. But for Stone, the mousse is not “moussie” enough. Finally Chris is called up, and his sauce is bubbly and his raviolo is frilly. But for Gary and Stone, the sauce lacks flavour. And then Stone announces Chris is the winner so I guess that the sauce wasn’t the bad. The result means Chris is safe from round two.

“In the second round, guess what, you’re cooking four Curtis” as Curtis Stone, Richard Curtis, Curtis (Booger) Armstrong, and Jamie Lee Curtis are presented as the next set of ingredients. But unfortunately stupid ACMA steps in, citing some rule about not televising cannibalism, and instead the four ingredients are artichokes, apples, broccoli and pork, brought out by four of the sexiest farmers not to make it on this years Farmer Wants A Wife. “The least impressive dish will earn its maker a ticket home” says Preston, “while the rest of you can walk”. They can only use one of the four ingredients.

“If I don’t pull it off, I’m going home” claims Callum, putting himself under way too much masturbatory pressure. Later on, it looks like he is going home anyway as he realizes he hasn’t cooked with artichoke before, doesn’t know how to cook with an artichoke, and quite frankly not once in his life has he even seen an artichoke. Curtis runs to Gary and George and instantly tells on Callum.

“I like to see, and poke and touch” says Julie, briefly describing her Dutch odyssey in 1997. Her rosettes have undone themselves in the pressure cooker. “Crumbed, crumbed” exclaims Callum, as he hits upon the idea of fashioning his artichoke into Robert Crumb inspired genitals.

Justine’s dish is tasted first, as she brings up a sauté of artichokes with steamed artichokes on the side. Curtis’ initial reaction is akin to “WTF?” but after Justine explains what she’s trying to convey, Curtis is all like “WTF?” Gary thinks its two dishes on one plate, but since a dish is a plate, that’s just an idiotic thing to say.

Julie is next with her dish she named “Pork”, something she plans to serve in her new establishment named “Restaurant”. “It looks like shit but it tastes great” Curtis almost says, as he goes on to say “it’s a pork fest”.

Callum follows with his crumbed artichoke salad. Preston gives nothing away as he tastes. But Curtis calls it a “really lovely dish”, whereas there are things Matt doesn’t like. Finally Kate arrives, the only one to use apples, but according to Curtis her caramel is dangerously too thick. Gary says “there’s no such thing on this planet as too much caramel”, remaining silent in relation to the caramel situation on Mars.

“It’s about that one dish that’s going to send its maker back to their real job” suggests Gary, which for Justine and Julie is cooking in front of TV cameras. And for Julie she’s going back to her real job, which apparently is as a highly paid assassin for Mossad.