MasterChef Australia – Sun 7:30pm; Mon-Fri 7pm, Ch10
http://www.masterchef.com.au/
Last night on Masterchef, Emma and Wade barely escaped with their lives as Filippo was taken away and sentenced to three consecutive life sentences for crimes against dinner. Tonight, Audra will attempt to be covered in glory as she faces the herculean task of cooking slightly better than another person.

It’s early morning in the Masterchef house. OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE THERE ARE OTHER TIMES OF THE DAY YOU KNOW!!! Amina greets “the champ” Audra as Audra explains to us that she won the “mega mystery box” challenge. Frankly I don’t remember to being called that and correct me if I’m wrong but weren’t the actual boxes just the normal size? Oh we see through your tissue of lies Audra *cough* professional *cough*. “I made a perfectly boiled egg” says Audra, her humility overwhelmingly humbling us all. Amina promises to be up on the balcony to support her. Audra says she’s given up a lot to be here: heroin, cocaine, crack and sadomasochistic role playing.

She arrives to the cheers of the jealous throng. She’s got attitude: “This is my time. I own the kitchen today” she says as Preston signs the deeds over to her and she hands back the compromising photos. George says that today she needs to be one of Australia’s top young chefs, which shouldn’t be too hard, as all she has to do is build a time machine and go back to a time before she was 42.

Preston rattles off a list of achievements that mean nothing to anyone as Hamish Ingham arrives, accompanied by two fembots from the future. He gives us a brief rundown of his career, and listening to his voice it’s obvious a future in television beckons. For someone else. Hamish admits to being nervous, as it’s his first time on the Masterchef kitchen. He can relax, though, because Filippo is gone.

They have to cook three courses, but must use one of two “interesting ingredients”: coffee, or tea, ingredients that almost everyone in Australia has in their kitchen. It’s Vittoria coffee, transplanted directly from Al Pacino’s bladder. Hamish gets to pick the ingredient. Audra says she would pick coffee, but then says to camera that what she said was a “load of brussels sprouts”, meaning that what she said was a green vegetable that smells a bit like a fart.

Whatever it is, it works, because Hamish picks tea, as Audra picks Amina to be on her team, making a lie of Amina’s promise to be up on the balcony supporting her. Strangely she looks past Andrew and instead picks Kylie to be her other team member.

Audra has 90 minutes to cook three courses, while Hamish and his fembots have 60 minutes. The judges leave as Moran starts things off before we travel through space and time to an ad break.

When we come back, it’s professional against amateur, and when I say amateur I obviously mean professional as well. Audra says she could potentially win an immunity pin, but forgets to mention she could potentially poison all the judges to death. So much potential. Kylie is the queen of tarts, according to Audra, but Kylie takes the insult with good grace and agrees to remain on the team.

The judges discuss tea and tea related things, before Gary subtly changes the subject to the two teams. Meanwhile, Audra picks her tea: jasmine for dessert, black tea for entree, and Mr T for the main. Kylie claims to not want to let Audra down with her crème brulee tart, because she’s heard from some of Audra’s staff at her professional catering firm that only services Audra’s friends and family that Audra can be a real bitch of a boss. On the other side of the room Hamish’s fembots prime their weapons.

Audra kicks off her masterstock with some masterstocky things while Amina begins frying up some foil before she’s reminded of feeble little George’s intolerance for metal. Hamish believes his reputation is on the line, but nonetheless he wants to have fun with the five women he’s cooking with and against. He just wishes Moran would leave the room. Hamish begins as he and a fembot run to the pantry to discuss strategy. When they return, Jules asks Hamish what he’s cooking, taking over Moran’s role for a bit as he takes time out to do some unprompted tweeting about Kangaroo Island.

Kylie infuses the tea into the cream, while one of the fembot makes jasmine tea custard which she will throw into the face of her enemies. Audra is not happy with Amina’s duck but Amina assures her it’s not overcooked, before Moran comes back from his break and assures her the duck is overcooked. Audra is torn so she throws to an ad break to give her some more thinking time.

When we come back, Moran has decided to repeat himself, and Audra decides it’s better to redo the duck than never to have ducked at all. With 45 minutes to go Hamish comes over to spy and is worried that he may be in trouble, and not just for spying. Audra reminds us that she’s an amateur, yet her timing couldn’t be worse as the Professional Catering Association calls and informs her that her membership is up for renewal. She shrugs the setback off like an ill-fitting gumboot before enjoying Kylie’s tart for a bit.

Moran explains to camera what’s happening for the hard of hearing, seeing and thinking, and expresses doubts that anyone is as good as he is or Kangaroo Island for that matter. With 30 minutes left, he reminds Audra that if she beats the chef she gets immunity, and only just manages to stop her from assaulting Hamish with a wok before clarifying what he meant by beat. Meanwhile, Hamish is not happy with the tea to everything else ratio in one of his dishes.

After a break, Hamish offers Kylie a job but she’s too busy building a career in the food industry to accept so politely declines. Amina has recooked the duck and done a much better job as she plates up. With one minute to go, everyone else better be plating up because, well, there’s one minute to go. And so they do, and as they do, I get this strange feeling that everyone will plate up JUST IN TIME! And they do.

Suddenly it’s time for the tasting, even though it feels like the cooking only just began about ten hours ago. Amina’s tea smoked duck and Hamish’s green tea sashimi are served first. The background music of oriental bells fits in nicely as Preston chews. Gary says the sashimi is lovely, but Preston thinks it’s too sweet. George says it’s a riot in your mouth, a comment dripping with sexual imagery, but doesn’t really notice the tea. Amina’s duck is very popular and Gary asks for two pieces, but cruelly George denies him, making inappropriate comments about his expanding pants. He goes into a rage but is placated by Preston who allows him seconds if he so desires. They taste and fall over themselves (figuratively not literally – they are sitting down after all) to praise the dish. George mentions the lubricating qualities of the sauce, as the erotic theme becomes even more disturbing. They all reach a climax of flavours together, before languidly leaning back in their chairs and smoking a herring each.

After a quick hosing down of the set Audra’s tea master stock chicken and Hamish’s tea smoked quail come out, chased by the waiter who rounds them up and puts them on the table. George serves the master stock chicken, and Preston instantly moans with delight, while George offers that he feels a little bit cold and fluey. What next George? Feeling a little bit squirty in the pants? They taste the quail next and Gary ludicrously worries about his shirt. George says they’re in food heaven, and then says he feels like he’s been hit with a baseball bat, which is ironic because I feel like hitting him with a baseball bat. He then suggests that they all need the “food ambilance”, whatever the hell that is.

Finally Kylie’s tea infused crème brulee and Hamish’s baked jasmine tea custard make their respective appearances. Gary unnecessarily puts on a funny voice to tell the others which one he wants to eat, because his normal voice is pretty funny anyway, before George serves. The crème brulee doesn’t look set, but no one seems to mention it. George licks the plate as he serves the baked custard, much to Gary’s chagrin.

After a break it’s time for the scores. “Immunity pin or reputation” says Gary, as they prepare to release photos of Audra with her tongue down the throat of an unnamed fellow contestant. The duck and the sashimi are scored first, and the duck is the winner as Audra hugs Amina and Amina wonders why the f**k she can’t do it for her own immunity. The chicken and the quail are scored next, and it’s, (not surprisingly) the quail, because obviously the winner can’t be announced until the final dish is scored. Finally, the jasmine custard is announced the winner of the dessert round, as Kylie breaks down into tears, forgetting for a moment that she’s not Emma. But Gary offers some words of encouragement, such as fortitude, inspiration, succour, and hope.

As we end everyone hugs everyone (it’s easy now Filippo is gone) before we get a sneak peak at tomorrow’s challenge. A Hindu wedding banquet! No chance of anything inappropriate being said by anyone then.