MasterChef Australia – Sun 7:30pm; Mon-Fri 7pm, Ch10
Last night on Masterchef, five aprons were won, but at a cost, as the hopes, dreams and some more hopes, of five aspiring chefs were smashed on the floor like a Matt Preston tasting plate. We had to say goodbye to four wonderful people and Lucy. Beau became the judges’ whipping boy as his perfect butter allowed him the opportunity to glimpse into the future and see what everyone else would see 24 hours later. Filipo cursed his luck as he drew a blank, and blamed Amina for all his woes. Preston continued to taunt fashion conscious viewers with his outlandish wardrobe.
Tonight Shannon Bennet weaves six more aprons from his silk gland, as coincidentally six more aprons are up for grabs, in MASTERCHEF!
We start with a beautiful view of one of the six hundred rivers that intersect and dice the city of Melbourne, still the most dangerous place on Earth to drive a car that isn’t amphibious. The remaining contestants who don’t have fancy aprons burst through the doors, though somewhat more subdued than of late. George says it’s a special day, because it’s St Crispin’s day, the patron saint of small dogs and armoured cars, and to celebrate the contestants will be facing a pressure test.
Beau’s advantage is revealed, but his disability remains hidden from the rest, safely inside his skull. He admits he had no idea what the dish was when he saw it last night, causing humiliating laughter amongst the rest and marking Beau as the jester of the group. Shannon Bennett walks out carrying a serving plate and cloche, looking like an unwashed peasant who has wandered in from countryside to pay his potato and window tax. Preston completes the historic theme, presiding over the affair like a latter day Prince Regent, a Royal glutton demanding more and more.
Bennet reveals the dish they contestants have to cook. It’s a modern twist on the classic Peach Melba. It has all the normal ingredients of a Peach Melba, but has been deconstructed and reassembled, so it is post modern Peach Melba. Preston explains that Dane Nellie Melba, the diva the dish is named for, performed in the very venue they are in. Not only that, but her father was a stone cutter who cut some of the stones used to build the very building they are in. And also, her mother was a prostitute who serviced the plumbers who connected the plumbing to the very building they are in. Such a rich, vibrant, syphilitic history!
Each of the contestants tastes the Peach Melba, and Filipo notes a hint of peach, whilst a grey haired lady named Deb tastes feather. Gary takes some time out from playing Russian roulette in the pantry to redundantly remind the contestants that only six aprons are up for grabs. Then he screams that they only have two hours to knock the judges’ socks off, whip away George’s underpants, whisk Preston’s cravat to oblivion AND recreate Bennett’s dessert.
Lydia explodes in excitement and guesses there are about 700 elements, only out by 695. One of them is cream and she rubs it over her arm, driven insane by the pressure and thinking she is relaxing on the beaches of Rio. Beau admits to us that he often zones out whilst operating heavy machinery, as narcolepsy rears its ugly head again. Julia explains that she has a sweet mouth and that she’s quite happy to talk to her mother with it. Kylie looks down at her hand upon which she has written the word ‘dream’. Always one to follow instructions, she stops for a moment to dream of people living on the moon and an elevator to the stars.
Tania has never worked with gelatine before and comes dangerously close to using gelignite instead, stupidly left in the kitchen by Heston Blumenthal the last time he had visited these shores. Her friends call her Mumma T, while her GP calls her Tania. Meanwhile, Andy has rendered his pants asunder as he strains his buttocks whilst preparing the mouse.
While the contestants struggle with the complicated recipe, George says we are going to get chalk and cheese and asks if anyone wants anything down at the shops while he is getting the chalk and cheese. Bennet likens the steps in the recipe to moving through various stages of education. The caramel is primary school, the peach is high school, and the drizzle of white liquid chocolate represents that short stint in prison most of us experience in our lives.
We see interviews with people whose names we don’t know and it all seems so pointless. Tania complains that her caramel is pink and gluggy, and then she realises that this is the end of her Masterchef dream, unless she quickly changes her Masterchef dream to a dream where she makes things that are pink and gluggy. Her caramel causes the food processor to burst into flames and Preston gleefully rushes over to rub salt into her wounds, but goes away, disappointed to find she hasn’t been wounded at all. To make matters worse, Tania gets lost in Preston’s blue eyes.
While all the drama unfolds, Gary and George stand back, remaining aloof, picking fault with the contestants, laughing at their ineptitude and their funny little faces.
Julia is concerned that her hot hands will melt the little ball, but if anything is going to make that part of the body shrink away it’s calling it little. Andy admits his plan is to get everything on the plate, and the contestants who hear this scold themselves for not thinking of this as well. Meanwhile Tania has finally fought her way out of Preston’s eyes, and is back in the game.
Finally, after five days of frantic, non-stop cooking, where seven crew members perished, the cooking is over and the food is ready for tasting. Andy is first up and he jauntily makes his way to the front, ripped pants at all. Andy says he’s hoping for an apron more than anything, mainly to cover his exposed bottom. George tries his dish and then wipes his nose. He says it’s special. Preston draws the Masterchef logo on his apron, and then draws a dick and balls on Gary’s back.
Kylie is next and she bounces all the way up. Gary tries hers first and seems impressed. Preston is next and complains that there’s no white vanilla mouse, but only because Gary ate it all. Kylie looks down at the message on her hand and stops for a moment to dream of flying cars and jet packs.
Emma and Mario come and go quickly, while Ben’s is well made. A girl called Dom is next and George picks at his food like a schoolboy that can only think about his teacher naked. Julia arrives with hers, and the judges practically wet their pants and fall over themselves trying to praise her. The last one to be called up is Beau. Beau says his dish tastes good in his eyes, but he’s not serving it from his eyes, he’s serving it from a plate where it may well taste like vomit.
So twelve dishes tasted, but only six aprons to give away. Andy has to replace his drawn on one with a real one, but he struggles to let go. Julia is next and Gary takes his time adorning her with the apron. He calls her his muse. She discusses her options with a lawyer. Kylie is next to be awarded an apron, and her smile lights up the room, or is that Filipo trying to set fire to Amina? Everyone is surprised when Lydia’s name is called, but only because we’d all forgotten her, and then teacher Ben gets an apron as well. Suddenly we realise that Mario isn’t going to get one. Instead it goes to Beau, who allows Preston to dress him and unwittingly contract to become his slave boy. He believes his mates will punch him in the face for getting in on something called a Peach Melba, but if he just tells them he nailed someone called Melba, he’ll be okay.
27 left, but only 6 aprons to give away. Only twelve will be allowed to cook for those aprons, with the rest to be towed by a cruise liner in a rubber dinghy out to see and cut adrift. Gary and George get to choose who lives and who dies. The 27 get to plead their case. George says it’s about standing up and saying I want to go through to the top 24, but none of you did that. 27 people kick themselves for not standing up and saying “I want to go through”. Kath gets through because of her Singapore crab, which has compromising photos of the judges. Then Mario comes out with a man named Harvey. Harvey says that food is who he is and, as if by cue, a pack of wild dogs arrive to test his theory. Gary repels the dogs by throwing George at them and they wander off in disgust. After having shared such a seminal moment together, George and Gary put Harvey and Mario through.
Filipo struts out. You can tell by the way he uses his walk he’s a woman’s man. But in an unexpected twist he does have time to talk. Gary spits out that Filipo is the Sunday lunch guy, but quickly covers his faux passé lest he insult the Sunday lunch crowd. Filipo is in, as are a group of people named Deb, Karen, Roger, Mindy and, rather oddly, Keen.
Yukio gets the third last spot and thanks the judges all the way out of the room until he collides with Emma, Dom and James on their way in. Two spots remain. Dom is a model of calm while James resembles model clay. Emma cries and sniffs her way through to one sport, and Dom takes the other, leaving James to dry and harden in the kiln of failure.
Tomorrow night, MATERCLASS! So who cares.
“And also, her mother was a prostitute who serviced the plumbers who connected the plumbing to the very building they are in. Such a rich, vibrant, syphilitic history!”
Reminds me of the Simpsons episode where they go to visit the historic village:
Marge Simpson: This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention.
Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days; Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month’s pay in three minutes.
Homer Simpson: Three minutes. [whistles]
Marge Simpson: I never realized history was so filthy!
A solid start Chris.
Maybe run your spellcheck over the final draft, then you won’t be the same butt of fancy criticism that you intend your victims to be….
I did run spellcheck but you know spellcheck.
Anyway, I don’t mind being the butt of fancy criticism, so long as it’s fancy.