MasterChef AustraliaSun 7:30pm; Mon-Fri 7pm, Ch10
Last night on Masterchef, the contestants cooked from the heart and some from the gonads as love was in the air representing about 15% of the atmosphere. Filippo and Tregan impressed the judges with their love stories, but not as much as Sam who somehow managed to convince them that he won his girlfriend’s heart with oysters and caviar. Tonight, we’re off to Tasmania, the naturist capital of Australia, I mean the natural capital of Australia. Or do I!?

It’s dark in Sydney as the house stirs at 4am, even before the garbos but after the winos. Tregan has gained access to a video camera and asks inane travel and packing related questions of the contestants, and it’s all they can do to avoid telling her to f**k off. The hand held piece continues at the airport and on the plane as various thumbs are lifted and fists are pumped. “Welcome to your natural state” blurts the sign, as passengers embark in their natural states of drunk, stoned and haemorrhoidal. All that sitting can play havoc with the rectum.

Finally, professional cameras are in vogue again as they arrive in Hobart. It’s exactly as Tregan expected, due south of Melbourne. They assemble before the judges who welcome them to Tasmania by saying “Welcome to Tasmania” as Tourism Tasmania collapses under its own redundancy. Ben says it feels warming to be here and that “it’s really buzzing” as wasps swarm his head.

“Tomorrow you will be divided into four teams” says George, neither confirming nor denying whether they will be teams of heads, torsos, arms and legs. They have to shop, cook and serve at Salamanca markets, a Hobartian institution, like historical landmarks and incest. Julia helpfully reminds us that it’s a team challenge only five seconds after George tells us it’s a team challenge. Perhaps it’s a team challenge, but I can’t be sure until a third person confirms it. Ben says you’ve got to get in quick because it goes quick.

Preston says do what you want, price how you want, cook what you want, serve what you want, and kill who you want. The two teams with the most money in the till will be in the hunt for immunity and the team with the best quality food will be the ultimate winner, which doesn’t make sense, unless you think about it. Sam’s reward for winning yesterday is that he gets to choose all four team mates for his team first.

Sam chooses Amina, Ben, Mindy and Kylie, once again ignoring the importance Andrew’s hairdressing skills will play. The rest have to grab capsicums to work out what team they’re in echoing the time honoured method of selecting justices of the High Court. Julia and Alice confirm suspicions that they’re the worst people ever, before everyone is suddenly sent to their hotel to sleep, even though it’s the middle of the day.

Next day they arrive, refreshed after their fifteen hour sleep and yellow team link arms as if to prove their impenetrability, forgetting that trucks have little difficulty breaking through a protest line of four. Human bodies are, after all, made only of flesh and bone whereas trucks are made out of metal. Each team are allowed access to the petty cash tin, and Preston announces the winning team will find themselves hunting for immunity as well as one of the contestants as selected by the viewers in a national phone poll. Shop, cook and sell, and earn the most by no later than 2pm.

After a break we come back and Andrew has elected to join Ben to recap the events of the previous day for viewers who have only just joined the show or suffered a serious brain injury during the break whilst having a wee or making a cup of tea. Blue team brain storm their ideas before the PC police intervene telling them brain storming is considered offensive to people suffering epilepsy and other brain related problems. Sam shrugs off this setback like a soiled coat as he begins allocating roles. He says the goal is produce quality food and a lot of it, forgetting of course the small but significant market for crap food.

Tregan is leading the green team wearing a beanie as she taps into the growing Emma fan base. Beau explains that their menu consists of food and more food. Yellow team calls themselves the “golden girls” with Julia the one that might be a man and Deb that one that always wanted to have sex but was too old and vegetarian to get any. Julia explains their menu, as Audra allows her hand to be kissed by the egg man, much to Deb’s titillation.

The red team are straight into the cooking as Dalvinder goes out of her comfort zone and makes samosas. Andrew desperately needs eggs, but goes on a “complete wild goose chase” and forgets all about the eggs. He never finds a wild goose either. Meanwhile, the judges discuss the teams as several “closely related” Tasmanians assemble behind them, fascinated by the talking picture maker. Blue team send Ben out to use his looks to get customers, but without food it won’t matter.

Tregan yells at a passing group that “everyone loves a bacon and egg sandwich”, who stalk off disgusted as they make their way to the nearest synagogue. Preston is concerned that they’ve priced too cheaply. Hell bent on causing trouble, he races over to the yellow team to suggest they’ve overpriced their food. In the confusion he’s created he steals a bucket of cream to save for laters.

Tregan continues to yell at passersby, while Andrew for red creates an aura of calm as he admits to not caring about anything. Gary asks about the number of eggs in the batter and Filippo admits he only has two while he thinks of the many ways he could kill Gary. Sweat runs down his face as the excitement of his desires almost proves overwhelming.

After a break Gary is still picking on Filippo, a risky move in the circumstances. Andrew decides to forego the batter for the crepes and use sticks instead. But sticks make the worst crepes. Over at blue team one of Ben’s friends flirts uncomfortably with Mindy, as Sam spruces Ben’s Tasmanian qualities. For yellow, Alice tries to entice customers by yelling at them but only succeeds in driving them into the arms of the other teams.

The red team still haven’t served food, which may be a plus with the quality of people they have. Gary says they’ve “blown it fannying about” which creates some disturbing mental images but makes little sense. For green Tregan continues to provide evidence that this year’s contestants are the most annoying ever, but for blue tragedy strikes when Amina has her buns in the oven before they’ve actually been put in the oven.

Yellow has similar problems as customers wait on their caramel apple crepes, so Alice hits on the novel idea of serving a sweet crepe with a savoury BLT relish but tragically leaves the BLT relish free. Meanwhile red are finally serving food as they plate up their lamb kebabs. Unfortunately it has hit the plate before it has hit the hot plate and it’s raw.

At blue team Gary and George profess their love for gozleme and they suggest the blue team just make gozleme, while green team are selling out of food as quick as they can sell it, according to that renowned brain box Beau. For red team, a chant of “samosas, samosas” fills the air, as the samosas rise up and overcome their oppressors, before being tragically eaten by the very people supporting and encouraging their rebellion.

After a break where Tim Allen hones his parenting skills, again, the red team continue to dwell over their undercooked samosas, which are coincidentally undercooked. Blue team hit their stride with their gozleme, as Amina suggests people are oiling things up, but this is Hobart and not Venice Beach. The judges try their wares: the pumpkin soup is not great, the gozleme doughy, the egg and bacon sandwich too much rind, but the pikelets are the wow dish.

Meanwhile, a town crier announces one hour to go. One hour of what is unclear. One hour of a town crying perhaps?

Red have lots of strawberries left over so they make a strawberry wrap. The judges taste their product. The lamb skewers are tasty but unevenly cooked. The samosas have too much pastry, The rosti is a little floury, but the strawberry wraps are “happiness” according to Gary.

Yellow continue to caramelise their apples as Deb confirms she can’t peel the apples fast enough, which disappointingly is a euphemism for undressing. The judges taste their crepes, which Preston says are beautiful. Gary says wow. Preston says it’s a heaven dish. “The BLT needs gooey stuff” says Gary, as he begins unfastening his pants.

Green team get a request for a recipe, but unfortunately it’s a request for a Maggie Beer recipe. The judges try their food and think that the pumpkin soup is thoughtful, and George is in heaven when he tastes it. Gary loves the BLT, and the others allow him to finish it. The pikelets are good to, apparently.

As the clock counts down Kylie runs to get more bread and Jules serves people while Emma talks up green teams chances. Blue team run out of food so they try to use Ben’s charms to distract customers from buying food from other teams. Drawn to the blue team to “meet Ben” or “see Ben Dover”, it works to a degree.

When we come back the results are announced. The judges loved blue team’s spruiking, but were gutted by the undercooked gozleme. Red team were too slow, but loved Filippo’s strawberry wrap, fortunately for them. Green team were well organised but for the negatives they had Tregan, Emma, and an unknown named Jules. Plus they priced too low. Yellow had great energy, and Gary thought they won the day with their crepe, but then lost the day with their BLT and Deb’s inability to not bring sex into everything.

Two teams with the most in the till are eligible for immunity. Last are the green team who sold everything at the wrong price. In third place is the red team, who sold everything at the wrong temperature. Yellow team are second and blue team are first, which proves nothing because the decision about who made the best food comes down to the judges. They select the blue team, saying that the clincher was the energy and the menu, even though they didn’t really like the food.

But they won’t know how they get the chance to cook for immunity until tomorrow, when they will continue to stay in Tasmania and yell things at Tasmanians. It is, after all, our national sport.