MasterChef Australia – Sun 7:30pm; Mon-Fri 7pm, Ch10
Last night on Masterchef, Brad and Lara brought home the big biscuits while Scotty Cam proved the ever reliable knockabout quintessential Aussie bloke, forcing Amina, Andrew and Beau into elimination where they will definitely not be asked to make quiche. Tonight, Amina, Andrew and Beau will definitely not be making quiche, but something else instead. What will it be? Well perhaps the question is not what, but WHO!
But probably not.
After some brief opening credits, Beau packs his bags, struggling to fit all the pipes in. “I’m definitely not ready to go home today” he says, through a clenched sphincter. Andrew also packs his bag, though with much more delicacy, as he ponders his 7th elimination. “I think I’m getting a reputation as the black ninja” he says, recalling all those ninja movies where the ninjas wore white. “I have great tenacity and talent, though for what I haven’t discovered yet”. Meanwhile, Amina also packs her things, as she reflects on the position she’s in. “I don’t want to be in this position” she claims, putting an end to any further reflection on her part.
Then they’re off in the black cars, to Masterchef HQ, including the black ninja, who is camouflaged in all that black. They arrive to the usual fanfare, though as the contestants’ numbers have dwindled the applause has lost its force.
Gary asks Beau if he wants to go home, if he thinks he’s going home, and if he’s sure. His answers, in order, are “Yes, yes, no”, or perhaps the other way round. He then claims he wanted to be a fireman, but he let the chance to be a fireman slip so he could cook against an effeminate hairdresser, a dream we all share. Amina is also confident she’s not going home, and as she’s standing next to Andrew you can see why. Andrew says he’s a little bit nervous. He says he doesn’t want to have to catch the pigeons outside and cook them, and fortunately he doesn’t, though he has given the producers an idea for “Masterchef – Homeless” which is airing over the summer non-ratings period.
For his part, Beau doesn’t want to see Zumbo come through the door, or Zumba for that matter. Fortunately for him, it’s neither. Unfortunately for him, it’s Zumbo’s arch nemesis Vincent Gadan. He arrives carrying a cloche covered dish, a jaw carved from granite, and a nose moulded from rubber. He says the dessert is dedicated to all the beautiful girls, because it’s his mum’s birthday, which is just fucking weird. Things get odder as he molests Amina, before he reveals the dish to be called: essence of a woman. Frozen hazelnut parfait, salted; rhubarb velvet; violet; tempered chocolate. It’s in the shape of a perfume bottle and spray.
Vincent explains what it is, but the thickness of his accent means Beau struggles. George goes through the pressure points but unfortunately none involve his neck and him collapsing to the floor foaming at the mouth.
One day. One day.
They have two hours to recreate the dish. And then they’re off. Andrew has read the recipe but found a shortcut, by doing the first four steps at once, and badly. Ben offers to take the Mickey out of Beau, clean him up and return him to Disneyland, while Amina takes things seriously and explains what she’s doing. Matt and Vincent quiz her, and she says her plan is to stay calm. Over at Beau, Matt says he has his game face on before asking him what stage he has done before. He says the whipping part before Vincent says it’s all about “mshrmatn”. Beau nods blankly.
The music cranks up as things get done. Then Beau says he’s piping the parfait into the mould, and it’s the first time his pipe laying skill has been useful. Vincent’s not happy with the parfait and asks Beau to taste it with one of the violets. Unfortunately for Beau these are the first words from Vincent’s mouth that he’s understood, so he’s forced to eat a flower, a task he hasn’t undertaken since he was 5. He can only just taste the salt, and the gallery implores him to resalt his parfait mix.
With 30 minutes gone Gary says Vincent is getting worried, but doesn’t elaborate. Gary and George discuss the challenge with Vincent and focus on the importance of salt. Beau is filling his moulds, as is Amina, and even Andrew is getting stuff in the moulds, as they all pop them into the blast chiller, so that they may be blasted, and chilled.
Next, Beau starts tempering his chocolate by heating blocks of chocolate, while Andrew decides to grate the chocolate so less heating is needed. Gary asks Vincent what happens if the chocolate isn’t tempered properly, and for the first time Vincent is lost for barely audibly legible words as he is forced to admit that tempering really isn’t a thing and he just buys readymade sheets of chocolate.
Away from Vincent’s embarrassment, Andrew gets a little snappy with Mindy as she suggests he put his chocolate on the heat. He transfers it onto the sheet before it has even melted completely but cries of “NO NO NO” from the gallery force him to reassess his approach.
With 45 minutes to George asks “is chocolate giving you pain?” NO GEAORGE YOU ARE! Andrew’s chocolate is not hardening causing Andrew to recollect his last night with his wife before he entered the Big Masterchef house. Amina is working on the moulding chocolate for the gold thingy, but Andrew is finding that it softens on contact with his hands, recollecting his last night with his wife before he entered the Big Masterchef house. Meanwhile, Beau is working on the little pump thing. Vincent asks Andrew if his hands are warm and Andrew says they’re “as hot as buggery”, causing him to recollect his last night with his wife before he entered the Big Masterchef house. Vincent tells him to stay focussed, but it’s pretty hard to stay focussed when all you can think about is heat assisted anal sex. Andrew believes his cord and pumper is too clumpy, which causes him to recollect his last night with his wife before he entered the Big Masterchef house.
Everyone starts getting ready to spray their parfaits in the pre-prepared Masterchef spray booth. Then they all start spreading their “ISO sugars” around the place as Beau compares his to a woman, all sticky and liquefied in a saucepan. Andrew starts panicking far too late, while Vincent arrogantly starts telling them how long is left in French. Everyone is struggling with the stupid little fiddly bits in the stupid little dessert invented by the stupid little Frenchman, but then Amina prays and magically everything starts to come together, like some benevolent god had nothing better to do than watch Masterchef.
Finally, the countdown is counted down and everyone plates up, with varying standards. Andrew brings his out first. Gary says he’s an old hand at these eliminations, and Andrew is worried that he may be going home. They love his sugar work but lament the little gashes on the side. Honestly at this stage no one anywhere in the world knows what they’re talking about but it’s faintly sexual. The chocolate isn’t tempered, and there are not enough of the violets in the parfait, but the salt level is perfect. The consensus is perfect parfait, but the dessert lacks texture.
Beau is next, and George says “wow”, as if constructing sentences is so yesterday. Beau says he’s done, and still has butterflies all through him, as he regrets going on the Atkins all Butterfly Diet. He talks again about his love of fire fighting, and fire lighting, as he gracefully exits, at least as graceful as a pipe layer can be. The judges love how it looks. The chocolate is perfectly tempered. There is crunch, and salt, and Vincent says there’s nothing to say, but “Wow”. And about time he shut his mouth too.
Finally, Amina comes out, and Gary doesn’t look impressed. Amina admits the presentation has let her down, and after she leaves, they talk about her and her dish some more. The parfait is very salty but, according to the judges, works well with the rest of the dish.
After the tasting it’s decision time, as the contestants return to face their metaphorical firing squad. Gary says the judges are proud with what they put up, or put up with. Beau’s was by far the best and he is declared safe first. He says top 12 was his benchmark. So it’s down to Amina and Andrew and, not surprisingly, but unfortunately, Andrew is going home. He offers the king size bed to Beau, but doesn’t elaborate, so Beau’s left wondering if it will involve more “pipe laying”. His biggest regret was trying to do too much with his dishes, like making them edible.
Back at the house, a staged conversation occurs naturally, as Beau and Amina return to heartfelt joy. Meanwhile, Andrew returns home to his beautiful wife, but is shocked to discover no one has bothered to have his children’s respective hairs done properly. After the rental family is sent back to the agency, we learn that Andrew is working on his dream of starting a readymade meals business. He will obviously be crushed when he learns of McDonalds.