You better all laugh. Commando told a joke.

Do you remember when you were a kid? You’d play your sport of choice on Saturday, maybe go out with folks on Saturday night, but Sunday was truly a day for fun. A day for kicking back with a cold Fanta and hanging out with your friends down at the pool in summer. Or in winter, a day for rugging up in your best duffel coat and ugg boots and going to the Sunday afternoon game of footy with your mates. Or, if you were like me, a day for collecting sundry flies, caterpillars and bugs, locking them in a comfortable if not sterile compound, and forcing them into a weight loss competition, where their greatest enemy is themselves. After me of course. And it is in this way that the Sunday night weigh in on Biggest Loser reminds me of my childhood. That, and having someone constantly screaming in your face to run faster on the treadmill or pedal quicker on the exercise bike. It was the only way we could generate electricity you see.

So with left over roast lamb, cheddar cheese and sweet mustard pickles toasted sandwich on the plate, and a bottle of rum to dull the pain, I once again sat down to watch the contestants weigh themselves on some enormous industrial scales. As if they weren’t feeling bad enough about their weight, the producers have to ship in the special scales used by Mr Shuffles at Taronga Zoo to rub it in.The Duncan girls were first on the scales. Together, they lost an impressive 15.6kg. However, that pales in comparison to the massive advantage they gained when they got rid of that other dead weight, Jarrod. The Moons were next, and as usual delivered a disappointing result. It’s probably time for commando Steve to realise that his training regime of High Teas and Pony Club trials is just not cutting the mustard. Neither, for that matter, is his training regime of mustard cutting.

Following the Moons came the Westrens, and disappointment reigned supreme. Leigh, who at first glance thought his 5kg loss was impressive, soon found out that trainer Shannan was anything but impressed. Shannan turned on Leigh, claiming he could have done a lot more during the week despite his injured shoulder. Examples of what Leigh could have done, according to Shannan, included, riding a bike, riding another bike, riding a cross-trainer, and riding the original bike. Shannan continued with the onslaught. Leigh, he said, was lazy, untidy, failed to tidy up, was dirty, had a dirty room, had a dirty mind (according to Lara), was a Nazi sympathiser and responsible for some of the worst excesses of the Mugabe regime in Zimbabwe. But worst of all, according to Shannan, Leigh was a yes man, a man without his own opinions, a man who agreed with whatever was said, no matter what the topic of conversation. All Leigh could do was agree furiously.

Wow... Greg has lost a LOT of weight outside (and now looks a lot like Sam)

The rest of the Westrens barely made an impression on the scales. Ironically, Sharlene managed a marvellous impression of the scales, when she stood next to them. Uncanny! But as far as their weight loss went, Sharelene and Craig really let the team down with losses of 1.4kg and 2.0kg respectively. Craig said he was actually pleased he lost any weight at all, because all week he’d felt bloated and irritable and desperately in need of chocolate.

Finally, it was the Challenor’s turn to get on the scales. Joe and Nathaniel produced fairly respectable losses, but it was a massive 13.7kg loss by Damien that had tongues wagging. Damien said he had lost so much weight, he can now touch his toes. What he failed to mention is that he had his toes amputated in an unfortunate Glee Club accident three years ago, and keeps them in a jar on his bedside table. Still, it’s a credit to his fortitude and stamina that he can finally get out of bed so as to be able to reach the bedside table. Well done Damien.

So the result of the weigh in was for the Moons and the Westrens to be below the fabled yellow thing of the linear nature. Once again, Jodie for the Moons and Craig for the Westrens were put up for adoption, I mean elimination. In the elimination room (isn’t elimination room a good, polite name for a toilet?) Jodie claimed that she should stay, because Craig’s heart just wasn’t in it. Craig vehemently disagreed, but when his heart telephoned from the pub and said “don’t wait up for me, I’m pulling an allnighter” he knew he was on shaky ground.

And so it was that the remaining members of the Red and White teams agreed with Jodie (or thought Craig was a prick) and voted to eliminate Craig. However, it was close, with the vote split evenly between Red and White before Nathaniel voted the way of his uncles and nominated Craig. Craig was stoic in regards to his elimination, saying to the Red team that he had no hard feelings towards any of the “fat, ugly, mentally challenged individuals” of that team.

Which season of Biggest Loser are we watching again?

Moving right along, this week, we lucky viewers were treated to one of the rarest events to ever befall reality television. No, I’m not talking about a blanket ban of mindless cliches. I’m not talking about the Biggest Loser reverting to a properly thought out, medically supervised weight loss regime. I’m not even talking about the inclusion of a z grade celebrity to boost ratings. No, I’m talking about bringing back the winners of past Biggest Loser series.

This week we were treated to the quadruple delights of Adro, Sam, Lisa and Bob. Well, it was supposed to be Bob, but for some reason he came disguised as an elephant’s scrotum. But anyway, the Fab Four as I like to call them, (because it’s not a name that’s ever been used before and it’s copyrighted and if you use it I’ll have my lawyers come down on you so hard) Adro, Sam, Lisa and Elephant Sac, trained with, and were asked to inspire, the current contestants.

Sam was lumped with the Challenors. It’s pretty obvious that the producers could see Nathaniel coming apart at the seams, and thought that it would be a good idea to team him up with someone who had been like him but had battled through the weight, the shyness, the geekiness and come out the other side a better person. And Sam took to it like a pro, telling Nathaniel that he, too, could “lose his fat gut and pick up chicks and shit”.

Lisa was forced to spend time with the Moon team. She hit upon the novel idea of having each of them look at themselves in the mirror, and seeing what they liked and what they wanted to change. My God, what a genius! If only these women had been introduced to the reflective properties of the mirror before, they may have been aware that they were losing weight.

I’ll just stop here. There seems no point in describing the show any further at this stage, because you all know how it goes. On the one hand, you have the returned champions, showing the current contestants that the weight loss can be maintained. On the other hand, you have the current contestants, seeing the former champions and knowing that, if they try hard enough, they too can get an advertising contract with Workout World. And yet on the other hand, you have the trainers acting as if the returned champions are their best friends, even though they haven’t seen them in years and maybe even struggled to remember their names. And if you put all that together you know what you’ve got?

Three hands. And that’s just weird.

The Biggest Loser Australia: Families – Sun 6:30pm; Wed/Thu/Fri 7:30pm, Ch10.
Image sources: Channel 10.