And so it comes down to this. The last weigh-in. The last elimination. And the last strut down the catwalk with their imaginary selves. This is the time when we get to see the culmination of their difficult, yet fulfilling journey. This is the time when we get to see the results of all their hard work. This is the time when we get to see the amazing transformations, as they go from fat to fab. Except in the case of Greg. This is the time when we see what he looked like with his shirt off and what he looked like with his shirt on. The former should be illegal.

But lets not dwell on the more recent past until we’ve had a chance to dwell on the more distant past, which makes the more recent past the future, which we will deal with in the future, but it won’t be the future then it will be the past, but at least not the distant past, which is what we are talking about now. And breath.

Five contestants went into the final weigh-in. Only four came out.

Nathaniel weighed in first, bringing in a sphincter tightening 2.49%. Michelle expressed her concern at such a low number, but commented that “the difference between Nathaniel at the start and Nathaniel now is amazing. He’s just like any other lanky teenager walking down the street, or driving his nondescript van around the red light areas of our nations major cities, picking up hookers who he knows no one will notice missing. He’s just like any other young man, hoping to find that perfect young woman, court her, gain her trust, take her on long romantic journeys, and returning without her and with a barely credible excuse about what happened to her. What? You were attacked in the Northern Territory by a lone gun wielding maniac who ran off with Miranda but left you without a scratch? Oh that’s credible!”

Leigh was next on to the scales. He returned a chest puffing 3.06%. Leigh was non-committal in his response to his weight loss. “What? I lost some weight?” he said. “Well that’s great and all, but I’ve got bigger things on my mind. I’ve got that girlfriend at home, who, if my parents have been doing their job by locking her in the basement with a treadmill and only feeding her fruit, vegetables and the occasional Ford pill, should be pretty smoking hot by now. So as soon as I get home I’m going to let her out of the basement, after giving her a little something to calm her down, and then I’m going to ask her to marry me. I’ll have a celebrant there while she’s high just in case she tries to back out later. Yeah, it’s going be a humdinger. If by humdinger you mean a forced marriage. Which I do. I do, get it? Hahahaha!”

Kellie followed Leigh onto the scales. She weighed in at a pleasantly surprising 3.14%, which guaranteed her a place in the final four. Kellie admitted “I never thought I’d make it to the Final Four. Oh sure, I always believed I’d be in the Fab Four, and with John and George dead and Paul and Ringo getting older, that’s increasing by the day. I also always believed I’d make it to the Gang of Four, not the Chinese one, because I have no idea about that, but the Rudd Government one, with Krudd, Gillard, John Swan or whatever his name is and Lindsay Tanner. When Tanner anounced his retirement I though I’d be a shoe in for the vacant spot, but then Ju-LIAR went and stabbed Kruddy in the back and that slime Paul Swan or whatever his name is was made deputy and they just dissolved the Gang of Four and I was ropable, absolutely ropable and I’ll shut up now”.

Sarah was next to last to weigh in. She supplied us with a staggeringly inept 2.07%. She said that she was proud of what she had done in the competition and how losing so much weight was just part of it, with the other part being a glorious journey of self discovery and learning how to cope with the minutiae of life’s challenges and rewards. Actually, she said, “I done good. I done real good.” But we know what she meant.

Finally, on to the scales went the blonde Amazon herself, Emma. She pulled a ball breaking 3.51% weight loss. Emma expressed her joy that she was back in the competition after having been eliminated. Tiffiny also expressed joy that one of her “ninjas” had proven to be such a “warrior” and had taken the competition by the “head and shoulders betweeny bit”.

With the weighing over came the nasty part – the eliminating. Sarah and Nathaniel. Who would it be? Probably one of them.

Sarah stated her case first. She said that she’d done well but thought that getting to the final four would be her final challenge. Her Waterloo if you will, she said, or maybe her Battle of the Bulge. Whatever it was, she continued, she had faced each of the challenges with the heart of a valkyrie and the courage of the samurai. Actually, she said, “I done good. I done real good.” But we know what she meant.

Nathaniel started by performing a riotous impersonation of Kermit the Frog, and continued with it right up until the time he was eliminated. Which he was. Surprised?

So that was that. The final four, done, dusted and …. done. Kellie, Leigh, Emma and whatsherface. And of course, with the final four decided, you know what that means don’t you? The execrable torture of watching each of the contestants walk down the catwalk with their former obese, and half naked selves, side by side, like some kind of macabre dance between recently separated conjoined twins, where only one the twins can afford proper clothes, whereas the other is clothed in a fleshy fleshlike substance known as flesh.

Each of the families came out dressed to the nines, and what a sight to behold. I won’t describe in detail but I will list some of the highlights:

  • Hayley referring to Craig as Australia’s answer to George Clooney. If Craig is the answer what the hell was the question?
  • Jarrod not winning anything.
  • Greg looking a lot better than the last time we saw him. Because the last time we saw him he didn’t have a shirt on.
  • Jarrod not winning anything.
  • Leigh confirming that he, Lara, Sharlene and Craig all shared one room at the start. The great unanswered question was whether he was able to get off a sneaky one. Wank, that is.
  • Jarrod not winning anything.
  • Jarrod not winning anything.

After all the tears, all the tantrums, all the terror, and all the Tiffinies, all humour aside, undoubtedly these people deserve our congratulations and our best wishes, because even though they’ve had personal trainers, free time, dieticians, and competition to help them through, they have done remarkably well to lose so much weight. Let’s hope they keep it off. Except Jarrod.

The final word should go to Sarah, who, more than any other contestant, epitomised the struggle against the self, the ultimate battle of wills. “I done good. I done real good.” Yes you have Sarah. Yes you have.

%d bloggers like this: