The Biggest Loser AustraliaMon-Fri 7pm, Ch10
At the end of last week Lydia had won the challenge and had yet to select someone to give a 1kg penalty to. This week, she wasted no time in selecting Graham. This was a heart breaking blow for Graham, who only the week before had professed his growing love for Lydia. However, being the trooper he is, Graham took it on the chins.

Commando decided to make a snap inspection of Alex and Graham’s room, and was shocked to find that Graham had kept his nuts beside his bed. Commando wasted no time in seeking Graham out and confronting him with the painful truth. Graham quickly defended his decision to leave his nuts beside his bed by explaining that someone had kept stealing his nuts and if he didn’t leave his nuts beside his bed he wouldn’t have any nuts at all. Commando replied that if Graham was “as interested in training as he is in his nuts, he’d be top of the leader board”.

In no time at all the contestants were ready for their weekly weigh-in. The returned contestants, Lydia, Brenda and Bek all lost sufficient weight to be safe for this week, while Alex sailed extremely close to forfeiting immunity when he lost a meagre 100 grams. There were no surprises when Michelle lost less than 1kg, having been home with her family and Hamish for a week, but there was a huge shock when the weigh-in power house Margie only lost 2kg, putting herself into elimination with Michelle.

At elimination Kasey and Lydia voted as expected, to keep in their old team mates. More surprising was Brenda’s vote for Michelle, which was enough to eliminate her. There were tears aplenty as Michelle said goodbye. She said she had come to camp overweight, lonely, having been never been kissed by a man, but would be leaving camp having lost all that weight and having found Hamish. And when Hamish grows up, she’ll finally be kissed by a man.

After the dust had settled and the contestants had snuck in a brief round of training, they were informed that each would be living their dream this week. Graham licked his lips and cast a libidinous eye over Lydia, but then he was informed that the dream must be (a) suitable for a 7.00pm time slot, and (b) achievable. So instead, he opted to live his other dream, being allowed to fight fires. For years Graham has dreamt of fighting fires alongside his rural fire service buddies. I mean, why do you think he was responsible for lighting so many fires in his district? But the answer was always the same: “Sorry Graham, but if your body fat catches fire we’ll have a slow burn that will go on for three weeks. Have you ever seen those experiments they do with pig carcasses to recreate what happens when somebody so-called spontaneously combusts? THAT!” So Graham was inevitably left back at base looking after the cupcakes that the CWA ladies had baked for the other brave fire fighters. And look after them he did, in his tummy. But now that Graham has lost so much weight, he is no longer constrained. Being overweight had stopped Graham from undertaking a key component of fire fighting, Compressed Air Breathing Apparatus (CABA) training. Even at his current weight trying to compress Graham is a herculean task, but at his peak weight it was an impossibility.

For Alex, his dream was to hit the on a motorbike, feeling the wind in his hair. Commando was able to deliver half that dream, when he procured two Harleys. The pair of them took off, feeling the throb between their legs, throwing caution to the wind and heading with gay abandon for the open road. The open road with a suspiciously high number of witch’s hats littering the sides, and a surprisingly low level of traffic.

Margie’s dream was to get back on her surfboard. And not just on it, which anyone can do, but on it while it is sitting atop a wave. She said she used to surf all the time, but then, after the GFC, she felt that the global economic outlook was just too damn gloomy to enjoy the surf. So she waxed and packed up her boards, vowing not to surf until a seismic shift took place in the world economy. Or so she said. However, Mish was able to convince her to give it another go, and, notwithstanding the number of European nations currently on the brink of bankruptcy, nor the extent of the US deficit, Margie got back on her board and forgot all about the micro-economic reform she championed for so long. This is typical of Margie.

For Kasey, her dream was to get back on her horse, Santa. Santa was so named because of his fondness for sneaking into people’s homes and leaving a little “gift” for them to find in the morning. Kasey hadn’t ridden for a long time because she felt she was too heavy for Santa, who, unusually for a horse, suffered from gout, asthma, and a chronic gambling addiction. Years of sitting on a stool in front of the ‘pokies’ at the local club had played havoc with Santa’s joints, and while Kasey was over 100kg he couldn’t take the strain of her riding him. But now that she had fallen below that line, Kasey and Santa both agreed that a little ride would be bearable, and so Kasey and her father went off riding together.

For Brenda, her dream was to try on high end fashion, having previously been stopped by the evil fashion industry that dictates maximum measurements for using their apparel. For Bek, her dream was to visit sick kiddies in hospital, which her weight had stopped her from doing in the past because of absolutely no reason at all. And for Lydia, her dream was to ride her horse again; a dream which Kasey had beat her to the night before.

And fulfilling a dream wasn’t the only thing Kasey beat Lydia to this week. The other thing was immunity. This week’s temptation involved a floor covered in cream covered cupcakes, reminiscent of some of the worst excesses of the Romanov dynasty in pre-communist Russia, who used custard tarts as floor coverings instead of carpets, while the impoverished peasantry starved. In this case however, the cupcakes weren’t acting as floor covering but were instead a means of survival in the game of biggest loser. Underneath three of the cupcakes there was an immunity star, and the first contestant to eat a cupcake and find an immunity star would win immunity. Underneath the rest of the cupcakes was nothing but dust and a little salmonella.

Lydia tried eating over 8 cupcakes but unfortunately all she got was excess calories and angry with the game, for forcing her to choose to take part in a game called temptation that she actually didn’t have to play but had chosen to when she didn’t actually have to. Then she tried to make gagging noises to punish viewers and producers alike. Meanwhile, Kasey, who up until this point hadn’t played a part in any immunity challenge, other than to stand there and look pretty, decided that she didn’t want Bek or Brenda, who were also playing at this stage, to win immunity, so she consumed three cupcakes before finding the immunity star. Margie also played, albeit accidentally. She had to eat a cupcake she had inadvertently stepped on, and revelled in the cake, cream and toe jam contained therein.

The final challenge of the week involved a swim, a dig and a run, as the contestants were cast adrift in the harbour and had to swim to shore. There, they had to dig for a secret treasure chest each and then run 1.5km back to the camp to find the right key to open it. Bek opened up an early lead in the swim, but Margie took the lead in the dig and kept it all the way back to camp. As she fiddled with the keys, she only just managed to open up her chest as Bek came in, thus earning a 1kg advantage at weigh-in. Margie’s chest contained pictures of her family, including of her elder brother who was tragically murdered when she was only seven. Apparently the killer was never found. Wouldn’t it make for interesting television if it turned out to be Alex?

For Bek, her chest contained a letter from her father. Bek had not been close to her dad, who had left home when she was young to go and start a new, better family. In the letter, her father admitted to not being much of a parent for Bek, but as a consolation pointed out that he’d won Father of the Year four times running with his new family, so perhaps some of the blame also lay with Bek?

For Graham, his chest contained some pictures of children and a pair of pants. How this failed to interest the authorities is still a mystery. Kasey’s chest contained a stuffed toy some 20 years old, while Alex’s contained a copper bracelet from his mum that she’d used to quit smoking. Shannan was quick to note that it wasn’t a Powerband and if Alex wanted one he had about 20 boxes in his flat.

And so wrapped up another week on Biggest Loser. A week where we said goodbye to Michelle. A week where we learned that Graham can’t sleep without his nuts next to him. A week where we learned that Lydia will do anything to stay in the competition. And a week where dreams came true. Though I think if my dream was to visit terribly ill and injured children, I’d be questioning my motives.