Big Brother Australia – Sun 6:30pm, Mon-Fri 7pm, Ch9
We’re Josh-less now people, and we have to get used to Oats-a-la-Layla finally realising she’s the only one cleaning the kitchen. Angie’s the worst offender, beaten only by Michael according to LayLay. Oh, it’s straight in. The kitchen has become the battle ground, with Shaniqua (Layla’s angry alter ego) only finally now giving the HMs a passive-aggressive serve.

Wahngie spends a lot of time lecturing Michael as to why she’s not yet bought a Pug, but that she will. OH YES, she will. “Mr Pug will have a beautiful life and will have a beautiful bow tie,” she says. Country girl Zoe looks like she’ll smack her if she says the word “Pug” again. Michael and Stacey immediately slip into high-school bitchy mode as soon as Wahngie leaves.

Big Baby? This week’s task is to look after Big Baby, the latest addition from “Mr & Mrs Big Brother” (I didn’t even know he was married!). It looks like it’ll be quite demanding – nappies, attending to crying and so forth. When Michael and Zoe attend to Big Baby for the first time, Michael declares the doll to be terrifying and he’s not far wrong.

As with all new babies, its the pets that need to adjust the most, so StayStay takes time to explain it to Delilah while Michael and Zoe deal with a very windy Big Baby (“It’s the exorcist!”). It is the ugliest fake Big Baby ever.

Big Baby is quite the creation – she even poos, though it looks like her poo has soaked into the foam (ew). Michael & Zoe turn into Three Men and a Baby in 8 seconds.

Wahngie has determined there’s no bread, butter or flavour in her diet this week and has to tell everyone about it. Everyone’s a bit snippy and Wahngie on a diet won’t help matters. Estelle explains her perfect guy to Benjamin – it turns out it’s a hippy pro-bono lawyer who likes to skate and looks UH-MERH-ZING.

Zoe finds a grey hair in LayLay’s head – the world ends. Ben & Stacey’s turn to attend to Big Baby – so they bring her out in the stroller. Ben and Stacey as a Mum & Dad is literally the scariest thing in the world… Stacey pushes Big Baby in the swing by her head (which she denies).

StayStay & Wahngie are on the couch in the bathroom watching the fishtank, and Surly – but have no idea Surly speaks. He refuses to speak to them quite reasonably.

Fancy that – PSY is in the country, so let’s run the Gangnam Style promo in the ad break.

With all the other HMs outside, Estelle goes into the bathroom and finds a table set for a romantic dinner for two – and Surly speaks to her and freaks her out. “Something fishy is going on!”. He’s having mealworms, she’s having salmon fillets. There’s even a rose for Estelle, and a special slow dance between the two of them.

The HMs have been locked out in the garden so Estelle can “relax” (don’t do it!). Surly’s quite jealous of Delilah, and the dinner conversation is quite revealing as to Estelle’s self-awareness and what she knows the HMs think of her. She tells the HMs she had to get an eye test when she returns outside.

Later in the bathroom Wahngie can pick up the lingering scent of tacos(!) and has a conspiracy theory she shares with StayStay that there was a dinner for two in the bathroom. Curiouser and curiouser.

The wash-up after nominations is serious enough. Six up for eviction, one to go on Sunday and Stacey as never been nominated (she and Michael are safe this week). Naturally Benjamin and Stacey over-analyse the outcome of nominations and pile woe on his situation. Layla goes into the Diary Room to discuss her feelings with BB – “15 points is a lot”. She starts to second guess their reasons for nominating her.

RANDOM BIRD FLYING INTO CAMERA. Not enough of that this season. Sort it out, BB.

Michael & Ben tread a very close line discussing the nominations and what it all means. Zoe’s now finally nominated after 8 weeks of dodging it and she’s not surprised she tells BB. Zoe won’t be surprised if she goes, but hopes she doesn’t. She’s pretty easy. Ben continues to deliver his best faux psychologist and Michael for some reason laps it up.

The ritual after-nominations drinks start with Layla and Zoe going the half-scull in the kitchen. Wahngie has raced off to the Diary Room to passively-aggressively complain to BB that she hasn’t had any treats and wonders when she will get her go – and then essentially threatens BB she will find them out. OMG, she’s losing it. With Wahngie bitching to BB she missed out on the rationed alcohol and has an angry sook about it. Boo-hoo.

The weird three-person argument that is Estelle, Wahgnie and Layla is on in the lounge room and it hurts my brain to even try to understand it. Wahngie pseudo-storms out, but Layla sneaks into the Diary Room to recount everything we just saw. Who is the psycho – the psychos bickering, or the psycho that stays to watch?

The girls are still going when Layla comes out of the Diary Room and heads to bed. Still. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

Even though the HMs are asleep, Sam & Layla are on Big Baby duty – he’s up but she struggles to make it out of bed (they have 30 seconds and it looks like she took 5 minutes). Sam’s cradling Big Baby so Layla gets into the crib. They settle Big Baby and then sneak out to let the bub rest. Conveniently, the baby wakes again at 2am – up you get, Sam & Layla.

BB suggests they take Big Baby to bed to settle in there. Everyone gets to benefit from being first time parents. EVERYone. Everyone gets up to sing Big Baby a lullaby as they swing her in the yard. It quickly degenerates and they all prove they really need Josh to help lead any singing.