Beauty and the Geek AustraliaThu 8:30pm, Ch7
After weeks of challenges, kissies, carefully staged banter, push-up bras and an endless parade of lycra, it’s the grand finale of Beauty and the Geek Australia! The geeks are brimming with newfound self-esteem and the beauties are… pretty well exactly the same as when the show started… they’re still thick, but hey, at least they’re hot, right? Millie snagged a SNAG in Dane, so she’s scored pretty well. It’s all down to the wire tonight as the final four couples compete for a $100, 000 to split and a Holden Barina each. Who will triumph? Who will crumble? Will my husband get me a cup of tea? All this will be revealed… roll tape…

Jason is waking Kristy up by jumping up and down on her bed. Jason talks about how Kristy has taught him so much, helped him with his confidence and supported him. He tells her that he loves her. With her now infamous charm, she stares at him blankly until he’s uncomfortable enough to clarify that he means, like a sister. She then deigns to give him a hug and dubs him her Best Geeky Friend. Patronising does not even begin to describe it.

Millie climbs into bed with Chard talking in her now infamous baby voice about how it’s their final week. Despite the affectation, it’s obvious from previous episodes that they’ve formed a bond. Chard reflects on their time together, noting that Millie now knows his name is Chard – not Chad. Millie tells Chard that he’s taught her that beauty isn’t everything, and she’s decided to go to university next year. Chard is happy and proud.

Cody thinks he’s changed a lot, and Chontelle points out that he’s got real, non-internet friends now. She says that he’s taught her not to care so much about her looks.

Completely coincidentally, Dane and Alin are also having a reflective heart-to-heart upstairs. Alin says that he’s the yin to her yang, “whatever that means!” Dane feels like he has a new sister. He’s still more excited about having a girlfriend though.

All the contestants come downstairs to discover medieval décor, a glass slipper on a pillow and a suit of armour with a scroll attached. The geeks are super excited. Kristy wonders if medieval times were real?
Yep, it’s a medieval-off. The boys armour up and the girls get into some Middle Ages frocks. Bernard’s suit is as always, really stupid.

The first event is jousting on segways. I am intensely, intensely jealous. Jason and Dane are up first. Dane thinks he’s going to vomit. He should be, Jason’s got a whole character and voice going. He throws down the gauntlet, all shouty-like. Bernard tells them to charge, with all the vigour of an elderly lollipop lady. Dane whacks Jason with his lance and moves on to the final round.

Chard and Cody are up next and twice knock each other off the segways. A third tiebreak round is played and Chard cops one to the face, falling off his segway. Dane and Cody will battle it out in the final round.

Cody tells Dane that he puts the “Dane” in “dainty”. Dane says he’s doing it for not one beauty, but two. He then proves his point by marching over and kissing both Alin and Millie. Cody is disheartened but cheers himself up by lancing Dane in the throat and knocking him to the ground.

The beauties are up next. The princesses must woo little green frogs with a kiss and a sonnet. Someone explains what a sonnet is. Bernard introduces the judge, a so-called Shakespearian expert in a ruff. He demonstrates reciting a sonnet, but replaced expression and feeling with over-enunciation, which does absolutely no credit either to the production values of the show, or to the Bard. The beauties don’t like the poetry words so much.

“Wherefore art thou, frog?” Alin thinks that Hamlet and Shakespeare speak a different language to her. Jason thinks that “Kristy and words” go together like “peanut butter and dirt”. Kristy plagiarises that ‘hey Mickey, you’re so fine’ song.

Kristy is up first and says that the frog blows her magical mind. Chontelle is up next and the frog is so impressed with her sonnet that it crawls inside her top. Millie is next and talks about the frog’s silky skin and glistening eyes. Alin goes next and gives the frog a massive smooch.

For the final challenge, the geeks will be slaying a dragon (piñata), climbing a rock wall to kiss and rescue their beauty. It’s ten metres off the ground. Chard isn’t looking forward to the kiss – “Great. The sloppy seconds of a frog.”

Millie is first on the tower. Chard grabs the sword from the stone, slashes the dragon, retrieves the princess’ crown (why did the dragon eat it?) and flies up the wall to rescue Millie. Cody’s up next and is relying on his extensive Zelda experience to carry him through. He falls off the wall but Chontelle doesn’t mind. Dane and his crippling fear of heights is next.

He does a great job but freezes on the final metre. With Alin’s encouragement, he pushes through and rescues Alin. Jason is the last one and needs the points to carry he and Kristy through. Jason is doing an amazing job but drops the tiara, which results in two wall climbs. The second time his body lets him down and he doesn’t make it up. He’s bitterly disappointed but Kristy comforts him.

The team with the least points will be exiting the competition immediately. The scoreboard looks like this (perfect score is a 12)
DANE & ALIN 3+4+3= 10
CHARD & MILLIE 2+1+4=7
JASON & KRISTY 1+3+0=4

Ohhhhhhh Jason I will miss you so…

Both of them are tearful and very sorry to go.

The last challenge of the season will be a ball. The couples will recite fairy tales they have written about their journeys together. This is already boring. They will also perform a ballet dance. Millie is very excited to get Chard back into his pink spandex. Chard is not.

There’s some practising filler and getting suits on but you know, then the ball starts.
The boys have suited up and the girls make a staircase entrance in their gowns. The girls look beautiful, but are still in the over-sparkly type numbers that have pervaded the season. A horse and carriage comes to collect the six contestants and they head off to the ball.

The eliminated contestants and a bunch of randoms all clap a lot when the remaining beauties and geeks arrive. Bernard is now wearing a kind of Bond villain shiny suit.

Now everyone’s going to talk about their journey, in prose and dance. Ohhhhhh painful. Alin and Dane tell a pun-ridden tale about him wooing Millie. Chard and Millie tell a story about her not remembering his name and him getting his hair cut off. Cody and Chontelle tell a fairy tale about Cody being an internet geek.
It’s time for dancing. Dane was some kind of man flower. Cody was a jester. Chard and Millie did a Beauty and the Beast thing. Very cool.

The team with the lowest amount of votes will be eliminated at this point. The final two teams will presumably be heading into a final quiz. The anti-Probst announces that the team with the most votes is Dane and Alin. The team going home is Cody and Chontelle.


Before the final quiz, Dane wants to talk to Millie. He has a big question to ask her. He drops to one knee. Everybody in the whole world cringes. Please don’t, Dane. Dane asks her to meet his gran. She agrees. He laughs at her. Lovely. Not awkward. Everyone in the whole world is relieved.

Final quiz time. Everyone will be quizzed on their partners. Dane guesses that Alin’s sign of good luck is pink dogs. She’s disappointed because he’s wrong, and the answer is black-and-white kittens. Chard remembers Millie’s three wishes from the beauty pageant, and he’s 1 point up. Dane is shown three flowers and asked which one Alin has not worn. He correctly guesses purple. Chard is asked what Millie could not live without. The answer is hair straightener and he guesses lip gloss. The scores are tied on 1-1 and the girls are up next.

$100, 000 and two cars are riding on these questions. Does this depress anyone else?

Alin is up first. What are the most expensive shoes Dane owns? Alin guesses the lawn bowl shoes, which is correct. Millie correctly identifies Chard’s torso in a photo and the scores are still tied. Alin recalls a quote incorrectly, missing only a word or two. Millie can win the game with this last question. Where was Chard’s first kiss? It was his school dance. Chard and Millie have money and cars and self-esteem. The nicest beauty and the coolest geek have won. Surely no-one can be unhappy about this.

Bernard somehow manages to make the prizes sound dull but everyone else is excited.

And THAT is all.