Beauty and the Geek AustraliaThu 8:30pm, Ch7
Tonight on Beauty and the Geek – some things happen!

A new day dawns on the Beauty and the Geek mansion. Rich is bringing breakfast in bed to Greta. He’s attempted to make a cat face out of the breakfast foods, including a folded flap of bacon as a tongue. It’s weird. Greta apparently likes it though and there’s some kissy face. Where have they put Yiran?

Greta explains that she’s falling for Rich, but doesn’t love him yet, but maybe soon. Like, maybe at lunchtime? This romance has all the passion of getting married in the playground in grade 4 so I’m going to move on.

Kristy explains her morning routine. First foundation, then mascara. Jason explains his. First he washes his face, then his nipple. He doesn’t want to get gangrene because then they might amputate his nipple. Either way he’s pretty sure his new, tough guy piercing is going to go down well with the ladies. Classic Jason.

Dane seems to have developed a keenness for professional bra fitter Millie. As a bacterial scientist, he understands that special specimens needs special treatment, so he sneaks upstairs to make her bed for her. This is more like it. Millie thinks it was lovely of him but in that, ‘you’re such a good friend’ way.

It’s spa time for Chontelle, Nathan, Jessica and Millie. The girls get in the hot tub and proceed to treat Nathan exactly the same way as they did before they found out he was the secret millionaire. Ho ho ho. Chontelle and Millie begin to grill him about the things he can buy them. Jessica is dismayed that he’s being treated differently.

It’s Curry time – not the delicious, interesting kind, but rather the vaguely affable, inoffensive, almost lifelike host. The challenge for the ladies this week is to be all posh and high society, like. Greta is worried because she can’t even talk properly. Her words, not mine. The boys, as usual, will be doing an actual challenge and participating in some pro wrestling.

Kristy tries to prepare Jason by coaching him in nipple twisting and being mean to him. Alin helps Dane and his safety goggles by teaching him some smack talk, and laughing and clapping her hands. Kim takes Rich outside to beat him up, probably because of his boring Greta storyline.

The beauties are choosing the geeks’ wrestling outfits and gold short shorts, man thongs and mankinis are all on the cards. Chard doesn’t think spandex is his thing. I feel like he’s in trouble.

Curry is the announcer and asks everyone rather politely if they’re ready to rumble. Presumably he means, is everyone ready for Kristy to come out and introduce Jason – Tiny Dancer – in a weird American accent. Jason is wearing a crop top. What a man. A very, very large wrestler in formidable spandex called Massive something appears as the challenger. Kristy is worried Jason is going to get crushed. Can someone explain to her what pro wrestling is? Jason yells that he has the dance moves, totally psyching out the big guy. Then he slaps him and gets smashed, choreography style. Greta introduces Yiran – Dr. Pain – who is apparently going to give another large man a surgical smackdown. He looks like a medical-themed stripped.

Rich “Chopper Rich” appears in tiny silver shorts and no shirt. Greta is pleased. More impressive looking wrestling, large men smashing feeble, spandex-y geeks. Chard has a robot-themed character and with his long heavy-metal hair, he actually looks the part. He loses, but it’s cool. Jessica introduces her millionaire geek, Nathan, to the crowd. She wants to prove that he’s still the same person so she’s made his wrestling identity ‘The ATM’. Can’t say she’s not honest. She’s also put pink feathers on his gentleman’s area. Nathan is halfway out before treating us to a very provocative dance, explaining “I remembered I had feathers on my junk, and thought yeah, I’m gonna work that.” He gets smashed.

Cody came out all trash-talky about being a webmaster and it didn’t work. He gets smashed Dane wears a mankini, as well as his safety goggles, for his bout. Smashed. This is a brave collection of men. Not because of the fake getting smashed, but their good humoured acceptance of the feathers, spandex, and partial nudity.

The winner is Chard, and he totally deserves it.

Night has fallen and Dane and Millie are having a heart to heart by the pool. Dane tells her she’s special and has a nice smile. Millie tells him that he has a nice smile too and that he shouldn’t be nervous. It’s a brush off, but a nice one. Millie tells us that she has a soft spot for Dane and anything could happen. I believe that means ‘let’s see how the makeovers go.’

Cody has Chontelle try on some clothes for him. The money shot is his face, as seen from between her legs. Classy, Channel 7. In the garden, Yiran and Greta are role playing a reception with the queen. Greta tells the queen that she’s going to the clubs to get maggoted. Classy, Greta.

An etiquette lady comes to the door. The girls all don conservative schoolgirl outfits. The boys are pleased. This challenge is probably not going to be particularly thrilling so we’ll just catch the highlights. The beauties put books on their heads and walk around saying difficult sentences. Millie, Kristy, Jessica, Kim and Alin, all do it well. Second round. Conversations with a stranger. Jessica thinks he looks boring. Don’t open with that, Jess. Kim is up first and somehow blows it. Has she never been through a checkout before? Jessica describes her tattoos to the man. She has a unicorn tattoo, but isn’t sure what country unicorns come from? READ A BOOK. ANY BOOK WILL DO. Kristy talks about the Christchurch earthquake. Millie decides to put on an English accent, to sound more posh. Hilar. Jessica, Alin and Kristy are through to the final round.

The girls have to eat all fancy and be polite, even though the food is icky. The first dish is an oyster, or as they are known in Latin, shell boogers. Jessica pulls it back out of her mouth, and fair enough. The second course is caviar, which nearly makes Alin chuck. The main course is a snail, of course. Jessica chews up the snail eyeballs with a brilliant combination of disgust and poise. Kristy cannot get the snail down without a lot of chewing, some vomits, and then chewing some vomit. She’s such a lady. The posh etiquette lady announces that Alin has won, which means her and Dane are safe for the week. Very cool.

Jessica and Nathan are having a chat about their time together. Jessica reckons she’s never been around a guy who has treated her so well, and says she’s learnt so much from him. Nathan is surprised at how close they are and they agree to let their bond continue. There’s a sniff of romance and all jokes aside, I hope this has nothing to do with money. I quite like Jessica. She’s never read a book.

Chard, Millie, Alin and Dane have some tough decisions to made, both couples having to nominate a couple to head to elimination. There’s lots of suspense and faux guilt, and real guilt, and dramatic music and Curry saying… something… he’s no Probst, that’s for sure. Chard and Millie are up first and they nominate Kristy and Jason, explaining that they’ve already grown so much. Kristy is cut. Alin and Dane are next and they nominate someone they haven’t bonded with much – Jessica and Nathan. I’m gutted. Jason’s adorable Jessica is hilarious, Nathan is so sweet and Kristy… well, we haven’t bonded yet, but Jason likes her.

What is this? Jessica is super upset and Nathan thinks Alin is a bit two-faced. Duh.

Curry has a big surprise. No quiz tonight – maybe the pace was too slow? The contestants will be voting for who they want to stay. Jason doesn’t have a prayer against Nathan ‘The ATM’ Millionaire. Devastating. Rich agrees with me, openly weeping in his interview. Votes will be made as individuals, and anonymously. The nominated four head off to pack, reflect and say goodbye.

Jessica and Nathan do an awesome thing, and offer to drop out to ensure Kristy and Jason stay. She’s frequently ridiculous but I’m so very fond of her. Kristy and Jason decline, they don’t want to continue by default, especially at the expense of Nathan and Jessica. All four are close friends and decide to ride the vote out.

It’s time to vote and Rich is still devo about the choice he has to make. Various beauties and geeks offers helpful and insightful commentary like, “It’s really a split decision”, and “It’ll probably come down to who you like more.” The suspense is heightened with some weird space-age submarine music.

The votes are cast and Jason and Kristy are safe, which means Jessica and Nathan are going to be sent home. There was no happy end to this. They both seem alright with the decision and the hugging and crying is minimal. Jess thanks Nathan for helping prove she has a brain, and Nathan thanks Jess for helping him with his confidence (feathers on his junk). They plan to go shopping.

Next week on Beauty and the Geek Australia; more spandex for the geeks! The first two makeovers! Kissy face for Dane and Millie??? Check back next week for all the excruciating details!