Beauty and the Geek AustraliaThu 8:30pm, Ch7
Tonight: geeks learn smack talk! A nipple is pierced! The secret millionaire is unveiled!

The episode opens with nearly-eliminated Kristy and Jason trying to showcase their closeness. It’s a tennis lesson so Jason dons safety goggles and gets all uncoordinated and gangly, while Kristy laughs away like a dying hyena (her words).

Right, enough whimsy. Curry appears to get down to business. He can sense a little romance in the house. Greta and Rich are very embarrassed, in a proud, fifteen-year-old kind of way, I’ve-got-a-girlfriend-kind-of-way.

Have I mentioned that I totally don’t buy Rich as a geek? Smart, yes, beardy, yes, but socially awkward? He managed to pick off a beauty like a wounded wildebeest and get all kissy face halfway through Episode 2. Pretty sure after his ‘makeover’ he can just start wearing his normal clothes again.

Concentrate, Curry is talking. There’s going to be a joint challenge this week, something never done before on Beauty and the Geek Australia. Gosh, that limits the field of possible activities. Some of the couples nod knowingly at each other. Curry drops some stupid hints about sticking together. Dane whispers to Alin that they’ll need to shower together. Not sure if he’s talking about the challenge or not.

The geeks are told to prepare for a ‘tough guy’ challenge. They all giggle, which is a brilliant sign. Greta and Kim give Yiran and Rich some coaching, which looks an awful lot like twisting the boy’s nipples. Does Greta think this is flirting? Yiran is terrified. Cody is upstairs asking his reflection, “Are you talking to me?” Given that it’s his own reflection, it’s more of an existential question than him being tough, but props for trying.

It’s challenge time and the boys are in short pants in a quarry. It’s more Famous Five than Fight Club at the moment. Even with the short pants, Jason feels like a real man. “I’m ready to build a house… or something like that.”

Round One of the challenge is to scoff down a hot meat pie and immediately chug a can of Coke. Cody wishes it were apple or chocolate pie. The first six geeks to finish go through to round two. Go! Dane has a saliva strategy that seems to be working. Cody is gnawing nervously at his. Yiran has pulled his pie in two to expel heat. Jason is nibbling delicately at his crust. DANE is through, RICH, CHARD, YIRAN, NATHAN and OLIVER are right behind, leaving Jason and Cody out of the challenge.

Round Two is facing up to a large, leathery, glaring man called Knuckles. He has a barking doggie. Yes, it’s 30 seconds of smack talk, and whoever makes Knuckles wet himself wins. Dane calls him maggot and kind of grumbles at him. Chard, Yiran and Rich all say mildly confusing things in slightly raised voices. Greta thinks Rich is being sexy. It’s weird.

Oliver steps up and I’m wondering how the affable, cheerful English gent is going to play this one. He says nothing but stares into the eyes of Knuckles and winks, explaining to the camera that he thinks it’s action hero-y. He’s right. Nathan is the last geek up and he calls out Knuckles for his improper use of double denim. Gold. Jessica is really proud, because she taught him that. Knuckles does some glowering and hulking and indicates that Dane and Rich are going through to the final round.

Round Three is swallowing a huge chunk of wasabi before launching into an arm wrestle. They swallow. Steam pours out of every orifice as they choke and splutter and then it’s arm wrestling time. Rich wins the challenge and he and Kim – who I don’t remember in the least – are safe for the week.

Curry has a surprise offer. There’s another chance for the geeks to win immunity by proving how tough they are. The first geek who volunteers to get a nipple piercing – wince, Australia, wince – will also be safe this week. Four hands fly in the air but no one beats Jason. “I may not be tough enough to eat a meat pie… but I’m tough enough to get my nipple pierced.”

A victorious Jason returns in to the mansion, bearing a very large piercing through a very distressed looking nipple. He is christened “Nips”.

It’s time for the joint challenge. The beauties and geeks will be attempting to break the world record for the longest hug. The current record stands at 25 hours, which Millie helpfully points out is “almost two days”. Jason, who never gets hugged, thinks it sounds like a dream come true. Kristy thinks it sounds awful and she’ll never be able to do it. She complains. A lot. Anyone who beats 25 hours will be safe. There are five minute (weeing) breaks every hour. The challenge begins and Oliver instantly wants to run around and be free. Jason is bored. Chard and Millie look like love-struck teenagers. They shouldn’t have a break, they should just get married.

A little later Jason and Kristy and Jessica and Nathan are upstairs hugging it out. Nathan tells them that he has an announcement to make. Jason immediately thinks ‘murderer’ or ‘beauty in disguise’. Nathan is smiling away and spills his secret. He is the secret millionaire. Jessica’s eyes nearly pop out of her skull. She will never have to read a book.

Five hours in, Kim accidentally lets Rich go, so they’re out and he’s relieved. Jason is bored and tired and lets go of Kristy, who is pleased for once. Oliver has also had enough and lets go. Millie and Chard are still snuggling away. Jessica has had enough of the challenge and agrees with Nathan to break. The money hasn’t changed anything. “I don’t feel like I’m hugging a millionaire, or a million dollars, I’m just hugging Nathan.” Uh huh. She also promises to protect him from other gold diggers. I mean, gold diggers.

Rich comes to see how Greta and Yiran are going. LOVE TRIANGLE. Greta wishes she was hugging Rich instead because he’s “pretty sexy”. She laughs every time she says something so I don’t know if she’s smitten or sarcastic, but whatever. Chard and Millie make the break. The next morning, there is only Yiran and Greta, and Alin and Dane waiting through the last five hours. They break the record by thirty seconds and all four are safe.

Rich takes Greta aside to tell her that he was jealous. Greta tells him that she could have hugged for 40 hours if it were with him. Then laughs. Sarcastic? Rich talks about his feelings and blushes and then there’s more hugging. It’s kind of stupid.

It’s time for everyone to find out that Nathan is the secret millionaire. Nathan explains that although he has money, he has never had the confidence. He’s spent a lot of time hiding behind a computer and wants a chance to learn to talk to people. He seems like a sweet guy. Yiran says he understands what it’s like to be behind a computer and missing out on real life.

The girls excitedly talk about Nathan’s new status as millionaire but all agree that they don’t think anyone will treat him differently. Although like, he is really nice.

I’ve lost track of who’s safe and who’s not so let’s skip to who’s nominated.

Oliver and Bre will be up against Nathan and Jessica. Nathan is gutted. Well, they all are. Oliver is Mr. Fancy Voice, Bre seems loves, Nathan’s a sweetheard and Jessica is the source of almost all my entertainment. She’s never read a book. Can’t they kick Rich and Kim off? This is all Knuckles’ fault.

The geeks are up first in the elimination quiz. Oliver answers a boxing question incorrectly. Apparently Mohammed Ali fought a grill? Nathan is asked a question about Clint Eastwood, that he nails. Oliver is asked about Popeye’s girlfriend, and gets it right. Nathan thinks there were four Rocky films – but there were five. It’s 1-1 and time for the beauties to come in.

Anyone else think a Barina is a stupid prize?

Bre is asked about the tallest building in the world. She guesses Empire State building, which is wrong. Jessica is asked about books, which she doesn’t read. She answers Harry Potter, which is right, proving that you don’t need to read books to know things. Bre must answer the next one correctly. She knows Neil Armstrong was the first man to set foot on the moon, and Jessica must answer a final question. It’s a stupid question but it’s a multiple choice and she gets it right. Nice Bre and Prince Oliver are heading home. Nathan is quite emotional.

I’ll miss you, Prince Fancy Voice.

Next week: wrestling! Dane makes moves on Millie! Jessica is surprised by something!