Beauty and the Geek AustraliaThu 8:30pm, Ch7
It’s Thursday, it’s chilly, and it’s time for everyone’s favourite televised social experiment! Channel Seven has been screaming “MAKEOVER EPISODE!!!!!!!” for seven days now and whispering quietly “… for two of the geeks.” The makeovers are by far the highlight of the season and Channel Seven is clever enough – or rather, obnoxious enough – to drag it out over two weeks. Yeah, that’s right, Channel Seven, I went there. Anyone want to hear the story about how I got them to pull a promo for last year’s season of BATG? No? Fine, I’ll just recap the stupid show.


So last week, some things happened… tonight it looks like it’s pageant time! More posing in spandex for the poor geeklets. And Dane kisses Millie?!?!? WOO HOOO HOOOOOOO!

Jason and Rich are having a soothing jigsaw puzzle sesh when Cody and Dane arrive to have a man-to-man with Rich. Since he’s getting so much “kissing practise”, they’d like some “kissing advice”. Jason asks how many times he’s kissed her. Rich says five. Dane calls him the Kissmaster. Dane’s hilarious. Go on, Rich. Teach us all.

It’s not that I don’t like Rich or anything but Rich’s only discernable social anxiety is his bushranger beard, which in certain parts of Fitzroy would get him all the whimsical hipster ladies he could handle. He’s not socially awkward, he’s just intelligent and wearing ugly clothes. His makeover will be him getting a shave and being given his regular wardrobe back.

Back to the kissy talk. Dane wants to know how much saliva he should use. Cody asks Rich to demonstrate on his hand. Rich obliges and starts kissing his hand. Just remembered you can’t see this – Rich is kissing his own hand, not Cody’s. Dane and Cody discern from this demonstration that the tongue should never be visible and are delighted with the revelation.

Kim has arrived to help out. Jason immediately asks her “How should you do kissing?” These guys. So adorable. Cody asks about tongue again. Kim warns them against “being an octopus and eating her face”. She is very wise.

The beauties and geeks, still thinking about kissing, gather to hear about the challenges for the week. Bernard Curry arrives, mistakenly thinking that a bright pink shirts and maroon trousers is going to… do you know what, I don’t know what the hell he’s thinking. That’s not good, dude. Try Probst-ing it up a bit, would you? Who’s dressing everyone this season, GASP? A Year 7 textiles class?

It’s a Beauty and the Geek pageant this week, which you already knew, and they’re all ready to go and practising wanting world peace. The geeks will be parading the catwalk in budgie smugglers, the beauties will be speaking on topical issues and each couple must complete the talent round as a pair. There will be two winning teams, and presumably the geeks from those two teams will score the early makeover.

Chard takes Millie out to the garden to quiz her on topical issues. She knows charcoal is bad, and politicians spend too much money, and everyone goes clothes shopping too much. Alin and Dane are on the front steps planning their talent. Alin says she can rap. Doubt and fear sweeps the nation. She immediately says, but she can’t rhyme. Except for cat! And mat… and chat! Dane suggests rapping about each other. We leave them trying to rhymes ‘shoes’ and ‘fashion’ with ‘viruses’ and ‘bacteria’. Kristy is round the back trying to teach Jason to rhythmically slap his chest and click his fingers. He isn’t very good at it, and Kristy calls him unco, which is fair because it’s true but also a little unfair considering she’s doing it perfectly and still looks stupid. Hopefully they find a better talent.

It’s pageant night. Chontelle is feeling nervous and Bernard has thankfully changed into clothes that weren’t stolen from a lady on a seniors cruise. There are some judges who are pretty, I wasn’t listening to their names. It’s the swimsuit competition and Dane is first up in his bright red Tony Abbotts. One by one the geeks parade out in their budgie smugglers, every one exuding confidence.

First up to Talk Topically is Alin, wearing a royal blue number that is squeezing her in all the places. Alin is asked how beauty helps the world? She answers that feeling good and hot on the inside will make everyone feel good and hot on the outside and then everyone will be happy.

How would Greta make Australia a better country? Well, first she’d laugh nervously. Then pause. “Ummm… that’s a hard one…” A longer pause. Greta then decides that she personally believes that Australia is already a perfect country and we don’t need to do anything to improve it. That would have gone down a treat in America. Everyone claps politely, even though everyone else in the country knows the answer is ‘put Hamish and Andy in charge’.

Millie, if you had three wishes, what would you wish for? Millie would like her own little island, the ability to fly and to turn into a mermaid whenever she swims in the ocean. Rookie mistake. You want world peace, love.

Kim is asked whether natural or fake is better? She says it depends on what it is. She thinks with fur or implants, fake is better. No… only fur.

Kristy, is being beautiful a talent? She says no, everyone is beautiful. Cop out. Perfect pageant answer, though.
Chontelle, how can you reduce your carbon footprint? Chontelle says walking to work and school is great, plus it’s exercise, which is good. Can’t fault that.

Well, that’s enough brain thinking. Time for talents! Chard and Millie are in matching pink spandex for a kind of interpretive ribbon dance. It’s amazingly good. Or maybe I’m just hypnotised by Chard’s hair. Chontelle and Cody are up next, dressed in drag as each other. Their song rhymes, and is funny, and I like it. Talentarrific.

In rapid succession come Kristy and Jason in camo doing their jerky, awkward chest slapping, clicking thing. Weird. Then Greta and Yiran dressed as cheerleaders with an obscene rap about Greta’s natural assets. Then, Rich and Kim treat us to some magic that doesn’t work.

It’s the moment we’ve been waiting for and Dane and Alin arrive in shiny tracksuits and rap bling to rhyme our faces off. It’s so very, very good. The highlights were Alin singing ‘Dane likes funghi because he’s a fun guy’ and then Dane rapping pi… with many decimal points. They smashed it. Surely they’ve scored a win.

Bernard pads out the announcement by explaining to us what immunity is. The winners of the pageant overall are Chontelle and Cody, and in second place come Alin and Dane. There are many smiles and high fives. Bernard tells them about the makeover and the crowd goes wild. The two boys are very excited.

Alin wakes Dane the next morning by poking Dane’s face with a pillow. He’s getting nervous about the potential of getting a fake tan and ending up like an Oompa Loompa. Cody is also getting nervous but he’s ready for his upgrade. Cody 2.0.

Pre-makeover, Dane takes Millie for a walk. Sensibly, he wants to find out if she likes him at all, before it becomes all about his designer threads and closely shaven jawline. He asks her if she likes him and she tells him that she has a soft spot for him. She says that it may become more pronounced after the makeover – wince together, everyone – but quickly assures him that she does like him for his personality and she thinks he’s a lovely guy. It’s not exactly a declaration of affection worthy of an Austen lead, but he’s pretty chuffed, so I’ll be chuffed too.

Cody is fronting up to the fashion man – hopefully not the same person responsible for Bernard’s morning wear. The fancy man explains that they’re going to give him a downtown New York look. It’s a bit pretentious, but right now he is rocking the European grandpa look (which is adorable on my grandpa) so it’s probably a step up. The fancy man starts saying things like ‘pop of colour!’ ‘waxing!’ ‘manscaping!’ Suddenly it’s waxing time. Cody tries not to cry when they tell him he’s getting a bikini wax. Poor man.

It’s Dane’s turn to meet with the fashion guru. Dane explains his current look is inspired by Marty McFly in ‘Back to the Future’. All of a sudden, I’m very attracted to Dane… ohhh, Dane’s stripping for his spray tan. We get a very graphic view of Dane in his spray tan g-string.

Millie makes it pretty clear to the other girls that if she likes Dane’s makeover, he’s getting some kissy face.

It’s reveal time and even Dane and Cody haven’t seen themselves yet. Dane’s first. I’m loving this.

A svelte figure in skinny designer jeans and a fitted cardigan steps out of the fog… Dane looks fantastic. Like a hip young uni student who plays keyboards and drinks smoothies. It’s lovely. Everyone is blown away and Millie is quick to tell him how fantastic he looks.

Dane is a very, very happy man.

It’s Cody’s turn. Gone is the sweater vest and the sad face. Instead is a bizarrely normal looking man. He’s casually dressed, his cap is backwards and his hair is much, much better. Chontelle says she would definitely give him her number if he approached her in a bar and goes to give him a hug. It’s time for him to see himself and he likes it. He feels like a rock star. It’s cute.

To celebrate their new looks, each geek may choose his favourite beauty for a date. Dane chooses Millie without hesitation and she looks very pleased. Sparks flying. Chontelle has the pleasure of being Cody’s date, as if the whole thing isn’t just a ploy to get Dane and Millie along.

Dane takes Millie lawn bowling and tries to teach her her left from her right. Flirtatious giggling.

Cody takes Chontelle to Madame Tussauds, and she’s excited to see Morgan Freeman, cause he was in Bruce Almighty. Cody kills the mood by pointing out that it’s Nelson Mandela.

Back at the actual date, Dane and Millie are having a drink under the stars. They’re chatting and laughing and Millie says that she feels like the most special, beautiful girl in the world. She asks Dane if he’s ever considered kissing her. He begins to have a panic attack while we go to an ad break.

We’re back and it’s KISSY TIME. Dane is SUPER BRAVE and puts his hand on the back of her head and everything… WE LOVE THAT. His glasses fog up and Millie tells him that he’s AMAZING. Sooooooooooooooooooooooo lovely.

The next morning Alin and Millie are having a gossip and she reiterates that Dane is an amazing kisser. Her feelings for Dane are growing. Eeeeeeeeeep.

It’s time to get back to the game and it’s nomination time again. Everyone is guilty all over again. But wait! There’s a twist! The immune teams have the option of not nominating a team. If neither of them nominate a couple, everyone is safe. If they both nominate, there will be the usual elimination quiz. If only one of them nominate a team, that team will be eliminated immediately. Surely they’re all going to opt out of this one.

Alin’s dress is really nice.

The couples talk about the power to kick people off without interference. Both the girls like the idea of getting one step closer to the prize. Both boys want to keep the peace.

Everyone gets back together for the verdict. Cody and Chontelle have chosen not to nominate anyone. Everyone relaxes by half. Dane and Alin have also chosen not to eliminate anyone and everyone is going to be around next week for the makeovers.

NEXT WEEK: Geeks back in undies! Wedgie machines? MORE MAKEOVERS!