Shane, Shane, Shane. I know you are contracted to Channel 9, but this is what you asked for?! Really?! I just felt embarrassed for you. I tried to be excited for the show, really I did. Your promo in the last ad break of The Block should have ‘warned’ me off but I was confident you’d at least make a decent go of it. How wrong I was. I should have heeded all the retweets from producers/PRs and tweets from other “celebs” telling you how much they liked it… that’s never a good sign.

No Merv, we're not sure what's happening either...

I will offer you these random thoughts, for you and your production team to use (should you all care to) in your post-mortem of what was not necessarily entertaining or compelling. Or new. Or inventive. Or suprising. Or all the things the ads promised. My thoughts, for your review, Shane:

• Just because you were once the greatest spinner of the modern cricketing age, doesn’t mean you can do anything else well, Warnie – as we’ve seen with your attempts at marriage and texting.
• Warnie’s CV is rounded up in 2 sentences. Wouldn’t be proud of that.
• A clipboard will not deliver you credibility.
• Why is the ‘Warnie’ logo on the screen for so long during the intro for the Packer interview? And no ‘Warnie’ watermark, if this is such an exclusive?!
• James & what his dad did for cricket. James’s poor career as a cricketer. Riveting.
• The production team did a great job with the lighting considering how orange Warnie was and how blindingly white his teeth are.
• “Very good” count, 10 minutes in = 4.
• Packer won the interivew.
• “6 spinning questions”? Please God, no…
• How much of a friend is James again, Warnie?
• Rubber masks on ‘actors’, miming to “classic Twelfth Man” segments. Asif I’d Giveasheed.

Yes. It is as bad as it looks.

• Ha ha, ha ha. Forced laughter count = 1.
• ‘Warnie’ is brought to us by Donkey Kong Country Returns on Wii and Advanced Hair Studios. For realz? What a target demographic.
• Whoever wrote the script needs to be sat down and have explained to them just how many people they offended.
• Great idea to play the Doug Bollinger interview considering he didn’t make it into the first Ashes Test… and he couldn’t stop laughing at his own horrible jokes. Complete car accident.
• “Hopefully we’re gonna see a lot of Doug through the summer”. Kiss of death from Warnie.
• “My good mate [insert name here].”
• No way?! This show has a clear cricket-theme as an undercurrent. That’s false advertising.
• 35 minute mark. “But seriously” count = 5.
• You know “Tales with Bumble” is supposed to be funny because he’s talking with an accent and has a pint.
• The Chris Martin interview didn’t need a break in the middle – it just needed to be shorter. Too much rambling.
• If the hat was that annoying, Chris, TAKE THE DAMN THING OFF.
• “Perception doesn’t equal reality.” Warnie is a prophet ahead of his time.
• Hmm… interviewing Hughes, an ex-selector, about Ashes selections.
• “Who’s gonna win the Ashes?” “Collingwood.” I love you Flinders St Station.
• I love Merv’s mo. So Movember.
• “Pommie Land.” Umm… yeah…
• The interviews with the Brits by Darren Gough about the Ashes were pretty good.
• Cricketers – current and past – cannot get enough of calling each other by their nicknames. They’re so phat.
• “If I know Michael Clark like I do…” – Ominous.
• ‘Warnie’ would be better served as a ‘Mad Monday’-style show with cricketers talking cricket instead of the interviews with non-cricket people and the “comedy”.
• McDonalds. Cricket. Synonomous.
• A whole segment that was ads. IN the show?
• Keka – you can’t be this hard up for work.

So that you all don’t think I’m making it up (for those that didn’t view this assault on our collective televisual senses), I offer this by way of “highlights”… using the term very loosely…

Sigh.

Warnie – Thu 2/12, 16/12, 23/12, 6/1/11, 8:30pm, (lucky to stay on) Ch9 (and not get moved to GEM)
Image/Video sources: Channel 9.