The Block All Stars – FINALE Wed 7pm, Ch9
http://homes.ninemsn.com.au/theblock/
We’ve finally made it – the finale of The Block All Stars. Given the tumultuous season it’s entirely overdue, so let’s hope they slide right into the auctions.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah, right.

Instead we get a bluesy intro showing close ups of lots of the eccentric elements of the houses and a super fast setup for the auctions. Also all the highlights from the open houses. Batten down the hatches, people, it’s time to check it all out. “Tonight, all four homes go under the hammer at auction and we find out who takes out the title they’ve all been competing for: Head Bitches” – thanks Scotty.

It’s bittersweet. The Blockheads are all packing up and going home (well, not until they get their reserves) and then there’s the open houses where gajillions of people turned up to perve on the four houses. Le cray cray. Super slickly produced packages. Too many shots of Jenna & Dani modelling for blow up dolls.

HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE (for the final time this series)…

The lazy $5K for P&A and M&D&D never hurt to put a bit of sweet icing on the cake for the teams. Dale (and everyone) is enjoying the lie in. That won’t stop them all sticky-beaking at each others houses. Dan(i) love J&J’s backyard, & P&A think it’s alright too. Duncan’s newly denuded lip pops over the fence to have a squiz with Dale – they’re both impressed.

The Gen Y’s pop in to see M&D&D’s castle. “Clear winners, for me,” says Dani through the most gritted teeth ever. “It feels like you’re in Bali or tropical Qld,” offers Amity. Even Josh thinks it’s beautiful. The entire tribe pop in to see P&A’s place and the family-friendly vibe is obvious to Dale. You can tell it hurts Jenna to admit it’s nice, but she still has a dig in saying she thinks M&D&D should have won outright.

The final garden is Dan(i)’s yellowing lawn. Dan’s content with coming last because it’s the most boring but he feels it’s still the best overall. Jokes about the “ocean vistas” abound.

As a peace offering the residents of the house are welcomed in to check out the places during a street party. Lots of great comments from the locals, and lots of goodwill to boot.

The packing is all but done; the clothes cleansing is complete. Duncan is strangely drawn to The Block – he can’t leave and he doesn’t know why. The attachment we form with things that torment us (explains Dan & Dani’s relationship, I guess). Big hugs and kisses, and it’s bye bye from all of them, leaving Dale on the footpath to walk home. Most poignant and completely perplexing. DOES NOBODY HAVE A CABCHARGE FOR THE POOR GUY?!

The first open house seems to have brought thousands of people. Plenty of snags and sausages and Lighthouse CD’s for sale. “It’s Block-a-mania,” declares Amity. The shy, retiring Phil can’t help himself and he has to go out and high-five everyone.

Lots of three different grades of cameras used, and it’s really noticeable when they do the sharp edits. Just sayin’.

Amity meets Amity, and hearts melt. At least 20,000 photos taken and that’s just of Phil & Amity and Phil. They’re pretty happy with the result too – reminding us they came in as underdogs and they’ve delivered the best family home on The Block. They struggled to gain the attention of the judges for the first three weeks but with their converted lounge-to-bedroom it paid off and they’ve pretty much been on a roll since then (independent of stolen wins). Despite this, they won more challenges, more prize money and more empathy for Amity having to live with Phil than any other couple.

Phil admits he was useless with the power tools the first time around, yet this time he recognised he was simply the biggest tool around that needed taming. Thank God for Builder Brad. What an awkward threesome that would be (oh yes, I went there). “We’ve droven each other nuts and it’s nice to be Phil and Amity again,” says Justine (her real name).

The public seem to be pretty stoked with P&A’s place. Lots of big ups for the mezzanine and the third bedroom and pretty much everything. The agents have been working hard to get four solid leads out of the first open house… who knows what could happen (well, naturally, we expect P&A to rake in big dollars).

Mark’s recovered enough to be back at The Block for the open house – and just as well, because he and Duncan are crowd favourites. Their entry into this series was to prove that designing couldn’t be “that hard”, and design they did. The hair is all still there but it’s clear Mark’s lost a bunch of weight and looking all the better for it. YAY for good health. The boys didn’t hold back and were more and more bold (or crazy, depending on how you see it) with each room reveal. Their horny bathroom is still a sore point that it didn’t win.

“There’s something you remember in every room of the house,” says Mark. He’s not half wrong. The crowd seem to be taken with the horns, and the BAC seems to own the room (in the nicest way). Lots of great conversation about the urinal even if they don’t like saying “urinal”. Their agents are pushing the “Wow Factor” and the kid’s angle (especially considering the kid’s room). It didn’t hurt that “ladies of a certain age” seemed to be attracted to the Two Not-So-Fat Tradies.

Chumps three weeks in a row hurt the boys and could have done them in. It never helped that Mark’s wife Jan had to go in for a cancer op AND THEN he had his health scare. “Was it not the highest and lowest of life that I’ve come across?” offers Duncan. To have Dale pop in and help out was a masterstroke, but then “We go alright for old blokes,” offers Mark.

Ed Sheeran? Really? OK… I guess you have to do something to entertain the masses. Increasing the minority representation on Channel Nine never hurt. A little bit less reverb would have been nice, though. There’s even people in the crowd recording his performance on his iPad. I think my sensibility bone just broke.

This extended Ed Sheeran set is how you make sure the big part of your show starts after the big rival show on another network so you maximise your ratings. Well played from that perspective at least.

It’s Josh & Jenna’s turn to revisit their All Stars experience, and we’re instantly reminded their house last time was passed in an auction (but they did omit to mention it sold the next day) but they came back to prove they can renovate a home to suit a wider market and make some massive cash. Three contracts out on the open day is a great result from the agents – as they bloody should.

Again we’re reminded that Jenna is studying interior design and that they’ve “matured”. *Burp*. *Fart*. They managed to surprise the judges with their new design touch. Their searing highs were matched with gut-wrenching lows (and they didn’t take criticism very well). It’s whatever suits them when they want, naturally. They’re Generation Y, right? Right.

The dreaded power challenge is brought up again and so little remorse shown by the conniving ways only further prove they’re overdue a smack in the face from the karma bus.

J&J have worked very hard on their house and are very pleased with their end result (as well they should be – it’s a stunning home).

Everyone wants to get close to Dan(i), if only to see if they argue as much in real life (SPOILER ALERT: They do). From the minute they moved in we knew they were gonna be competitive and we knew their style was going to be divisive. Two Chumps in a row yet they pushed on and delivered a pretty cracking bathroom – but didn’t win until the final week with their living room.

“We’re comfortable in our relationship, we know we’ll have a little blow up here and there, we won’t hide it from the cameras,” offers Dan, in THE BIGGEST UNDERSTATEMENT SINCE EVER.

Coming onto The Block it was determined that Dan would be the psycho this series and he more than delivered. Dan(i) bonded with Josh & Jenna and the acknowledgement they couldn’t have gotten on without them (let’s not mention the power challenge again, mmkay?). Dan(i) would love to buy the house this year even though they can’t and don’t have the cash for it, but they’d still love to.

Their agent is talking a big game to them if for no other reason than he values his safety and he is within arms length of Dan(i). Safety first when dealing with the crazies, people. Safen up!

Just before the auctions start there’s the reveal for a home viewer to win $25,000 thanks to [insert sponsor here], simply for unlocking a door. It’s not exactly a nail-biting moment as the viewers pick their key, replete with “key party” gag. “Stick the key in and turn it” from Scotty doesn’t help any, but congratulations to Kerry & Richard who walked away with some icy cold coke and the cold hard cash.

But after the break… reserve time and the faux tension of the auction order. OOOH, FAUX TENSION!

Ahh, the transformations. So much change. So much work. So little sleep. So much filler to ensure the auctions start after MKR finishes. Side note: *LOVE* Mark & Duncan’s kitchen fish tank.

The Chubb van turns the corner and out pops security men with the briefcases – the reserves have arrived. “The reserves are set, there’s nothing we can do about it now,” says Dan offering us insight to absolutely nothing. Chubb Man 1 doesn’t even move his lips in responding to Schcotty’s Schcripted Schtick(tm).

As opposed to every other time they’ve turned up at Block HQ this series for some reason the Suzuki’s have all run out of fuel so the Blockheads have to walk there. The teams enter to see their sales board with a little gold case that must contain their reserves. Anxiety is through the roof for Dani but that’s just because she and Dan had a barney over who walked into the room first.

The usual deal – the winner is the team who make the most money over their reserve price. Every sale above the reserve means money to the team and the winning team keep their cash plus an additional $100,000. Big money at stake. BIG MONEY, if only for the font size of the numbers.

Mark & Duncan’s reserve is revealed as $1,345,000. There’s applause but only because Duncan felt he was meant to clap.
Phil & Amity’s reserve is $1,375,000. More unknowing applause.
Dan(i)’s reserve is $1,355,000. Duncan leads the applause knowing he has no idea. This could become a sport on a digital channel.
Josh & Jenna’s reserve is $1,375,000. “We thought our house would have one of the highest reserves because, after all, it’s our house,” says Josh.

Now that’s locked away, the auction order has to be determined. Point of order: WHAT THE HELL happened to Josh’s head?!

Scotty offers the teams to be able to negotiate the order or draw randomly. Dan(i) offer to go first with silence from the other teams. Nobody wants to go last and everyone else wants to go second. It’s put to the group that Dan(i) go first and the rest go to the lottery, but Josh says that all four teams should go to the random order choice.

Phil picks the 4th; Duncan picks 2nd (“Nobody’s ever won it from position 2” – Mark); Josh picks 1st which leaves Dan(i) in 3rd. The possible kiss of death for J&J again after their lack of success last time. Dani’s super nervous now that they’re not first.

“Good luck everybody – it’s auction night!” says Scotty, sending us to an ad break. The collegiality of the teams is held together with nervous tension as they all know what is about to happen will be their reward for six of the hardest week’s work they’ve ever subjected themselves to (no matter how many Swisse vitamins they shoved in their gobs during that time).

It is time… the auctions must commence (after the live intercut intro filmed live at the auction just last night). Welcome Shelley Craft who has just appeared on stage with Scotty and the rest of the Blockheads. No introduction for her because, after all, THE SHOW HAS ALREADY BEEN ON FOR 90 MINUTES! Welcome to The Block All Stars Auction.

Shelley immediately interjects to announce which car was the viewer’s choice (Phil & Amity’s), and their car was won by Lorainne from Victoria – all nicely worn in by the Blockheads. Scotty then interjects to announce that Mark & Jan are at the auction (yeah, we’ve already seen that) and that they’re happy & healthy and all that jazz. Mark’s off on holiday with his darling Jan to see the world – and now that’s gonna be paid for by [insert sponsor here]. Mark is overwhelmed (completely understandably) – a wonderful unnecessary touch that has helped out a lovely bloke.

Enough heart-warming crap – it’s auction time. Let’s go Josh & Jenna…
They settle into their formal lounge to watch the auction with far too much being made of the last time they were in this position Josh was proposing. There’s a very close zoom on Jenna’s stomach and all pregnancy denials are in pending a spread in New Idea on Monday. Somehow we still manage to inject Dan(i) into J&J’s auction. Starting bid is… slow… but eventually kicks off at $1,200,000 (disgusts the auctioneer) but kicks off after that. TENSION PALPABLE and so we must take an ad break to promo Australian’s Got Talent and their new judge (blergh).

STILL with the auctioning, picking up again at $1.3m where we left it before the ad. It suddenly skips away after sneaking over the reserve. $1.43, $1.45, $1.48, $1.5m… Dani opens her mouth like Dan just touched her in a special place. Hipster in the background in the red jumper is distracting, and then the joyous music that opens MKR is played as if to herald that shows over and we just sold a house!
Josh & Jenna – SOLD! $1,650,000 ($275,000 profit). Happy tears from Jenna as she wants everyone to sell their house, and there’s great celebration as they join the other teams in the white green room.

Right, now let’s go Mark & Duncan (& Dale)…
Great to see the wives on the couch with their men while Dale cheers them on from the white green room. Mark’s smart enough to know they have no idea as to what will happen and Duncan’s just glad to have enough fuel in the car to get home. Blah blah auctioneer as the bidding begins… in silence. Then a guy offers $1,200,000 and it creeps up slowly, slowly, slowly. The Blockheads are willing it to go higher than the $1,350,000 it’s stalled at yet there seems to be nothing happening. Red hipster jumper has returned and he’s still very distracting. The sad music does nothing to buoy hopes.

And then it happens… the agent pushes the sympathy vote. Blergh. SELL IT FOR ITS MERITS, YOU DICK. Two sneaky bids zip it up to $1,370,000 and it offers some hope to the Two Not-So-Fat Tradies. But then…
Mark & Duncan (& Dale) – SOLD! $1,370,000 ($25,000 profit). The buyer gets the bargain of the century and it’s a hollow victory for two of the nicest blokes on TV. Crickets. They’re shell-shocked and, somewhat uncharacteristically, Scotty’s silent. Duncan remains completely positive and knows they had a great time. “Better than nothing, Scotty,” offers Dunc. They’re welcomed back to the white green room with hugs and applause and all the empathy the other Blockheads can muster. All is forgotten soon enough as beer arrives.

So, let’s go Dan(i)… with a reminder that they wanted to be selfless and go first in the auction order, but Josh put an end to all that. Why so much background again before the auction? Favouritism? No idea. Scotty reminds Dan(i) that their auctioneer has won The Block twice before with his skills so who knows what they can do tonight. It kicks at $1,300,000 and the auctioneer manages the bidders quite well. Jenna’s spotted the lady that wants it (but will she get it?). The price slides over the reserve and there’s tentative smiles from Dan(i). He’s in it like a footy game and she’s about to melt into a puddle of hyperventilation. The auctioneer pauses and Dani can’t speak. Why didn’t they just auction the house across the entire series to make her this quiet the entire time.
Dan & Dani – SOLD! $1,575,000 ($220,000 profit). After a drawn out final bid it’s all done. Dani can’t believe it and the three micro-brains can’t do the math to work out how much Dan(i) have made with this sale. Dani’s so relieved that I’ll have what she’s having. They’re flabbergasted.

For the final couple and the final time – let’s go Phil & Amity… but before we do there’s an inquisition from the Department of Fair Trading after some silly comments made on radio to induce buyers. Lesson learned. They’ll need to get $1,651,000 (or more) to beat Josh & Jenna and with The Block All Stars. The green lady is back and making a bid straight up of $1,3000,000. In no time it jumps over the reserve and they’ve made $100,000 above their reserve and it’s not slowing down.

The first “third and final call” is made at $1,540,000 but then the bidding kicks on quickly again such that they’re $185,000 in front and the bidders keep coming. Stall, spurt, stall, spurt, and then $1,670,000 and they’ve won! (All Amity can say is “Are you sure?”). And then it’s SOLD!
Phil & Amity – SOLD! $1,670,000 ($295,000 profit). Congratulations to Phil & Amity for a marvellous game well played, a great sale and a big win – walking away with $295,000 PLUS $100,000 for winning. A stunning result.

There’s silence in the white green room as every one has been blown away. Jenna is wrapped for them because of some reason that involves her. Phil & Amity race off to tell their kids, who are now dutifully corralled in the white green room. Scotty declares he’s a nervous wreck(!) but congratulations to P&A – the first ever All Star winners.