Geez, Gina’s been everywhere this week, hasn’t she? OK Magazine, one of the Saturday newspaper magazines – you’d think she has a book to promote. Wait….

Sorry. Back to the business at hand. Hoorah! We’re engagement ring shopping with Gamble and the Silver Fox. No Michael Hill diamond dust here – they’re at Bensimon Diamonds. I wonder if it’s pronounced “Ben-see-mon” like Kelly Ben-see-mon, former nutjob from the NY Housewives. (BTW, loving Kelly’s cameo in this week’s ep of the RHONY – just disappointed that she and Bethenny weren’t ripping each other’s throats out like the good ol’ days.)

Gamble wants a “conservative” bauble, something 3^rd-time-lucky-appropriate, given her (and the Silver Fox’s) marital history. Umm, trillion cut? Derr.

The SF isn’t sure an engagement ring, at their age, is an important part of being married. Well that attitude isn’t going to *get* you married, is it Rick?

I’m disturbed by Gamble’s purple tipped French manicure – bit low rent babes. Especially for engagement ring shopping.

She’s struggling between the cushion cut and the princess cut, and I feel her pain. I too struggled with the choice between the emerald cut and the baguette, so I know how exhausting it can be. Still, my jeweller didn’t let me TAKE BOTH HOME TO TEST THEM OUT! That is one trusting jeweller right there. Also, take the cushion cut Gamble.

Over in Fitzroy Chyka and daughter Chessie are shopping for the races, because it’s Spring Racing Carnival time. I was born in Melbourne, so I know this is right up there with Moomba and the Grand Final in social importance.

Chyka needs four outfits, right down to the undies sunnies, so there’s some serious shopping to be done. Hats are obviously the most important accessory, and in Chyka’s words, “hat fashion can really go badly sometimes. The last thing we want is a Princess Beatrice moment.” True – no-one wants to become a meme.

Chyka’s invited all the girlz to the Lexus marquee on Derby Day, so she needs to look totes amazing. Once she’s dealt with the hat situation – and they all looked AMAZE – it was off to find frocks. They’re at a shop that is basically the opposite of Dotti. First, it’s called Le Louvre (NOT THE ONE IN LONDON PARIS) and it’s so fancy that the shop assistants (who do not wear hotpants or call you “hun”) actually choose your frocks for you.

Chyka is obsessed with a wee YSL handbag, and if Bruce knows what’s good for him, he’ll buy it for her toot sweet. Chessie also loves the bag, declaring it a good “sharing” bag. Nice work Chessie. She also points out that Bruce never checks his statements, so he’ll never even know. Personally I’d go with the “gift with purchase” argument if it ever came up. I mean, that Victoria Beckham frock isn’t going for anything less than $2000, so it stacks up. Kind of.

Can I just take a moment to say how impressive Melbourne has looked throughout this season. I mean, obviously there’s been some VERY selective aerial filming, because we all know the weather in Melbs can be absolute shit, but geez, when it’s nice it’s deadset glorious.

Derby Day has arrived and Gina and Gamble and a CRAPLOAD of feathers are on their way to the ponies. In a stunning turn of events, there doesn’t appear to be a single sequin in Gina’s outfit, and now nothing in the world makes sense to me. Still, Gamble’s two hair colours fully embrace the black & white Derby Day theme, so that’s a relief.

Jackie and Janet are ready to shine it up, although they appear to be dressed for a glamorous funeral. Janet is thrilled that she hasn’t had to spend months kissing arse to get into the “good” marquees, because Chyka has invited them to the fully posh Lexus marquee, without having to bare her bum once.

Jackie has a chess piece on her head, as part of her fascinator. Because she’s gone with a Queen she can’t keep her head straight, which is hilarious. Should have used a Pawn. And a convertible.

Lydia and PF are in another car, and in a controversial decision, Lydia is wearing COLOUR OMG! She appears to be wearing a shorty white dressing gown (remember when Will wore one in Will & Grace? God that was funny.) with a beaded neckpiece so vast you could see it from space. Also she has a sculptural black lace doily on her head. PF looks like she’s wearing an actual Dotti coat and one of those pre-made fascinators from Spotlight, although apparently it was a “last minute find” from Celine in Collins St. Still looks like Spotlight.

There is some random, dull convo going on about PF’s height – she reckons she’s 5’2”, but IDON’T CARE. Then Gina – oddly – asks Gamble to ask PF if she’s sensitive about race and accent etc. Gina may be my best friend, but she needs to cut that shit out.

The ladies arrive at Flemington and Chyka says “Unfortunately this year for Derby Day, the weather is shocking”. I totally thought she was going to say “…the weather is shithouse.” She was thinking it though.

We get to see Jackie’s chess piece in all its glory, and by glory I mean awfulness. Soz Jacks. Also, she’s wearing a sleeveless suit jacket as a dress, which I’m pretty sure I saw in Witchery recently. Gamble is wearing a prom dress with a full skirt so we get to see her underoos more than I expected.

Chyka is justifiably up herself about the marquee, which is looking as stylish as you would expect. The floral ceiling installation is gorge. It blew Gina’s mind to think of using lightbulbs as rose vases. Lightbulbs make her think of Uncle Fester. She maybe shouldn’t have said that out loud.

Chyka asks Jackie about her chess piece, and Jackie explained that she chose it because she’s “always playing chess with you ladies, so I decided to be the Queen Bee.” I love you Jackie, but metaphors just aren’t your thing.

Gina takes exception to this, saying that she’s “certainly not playing me. I’m all over her like a cheap suit.” A cheap sparkly suit, obvs. She goes on to suggest that Jackie is, in fact, masturbating – playing with herself. I think Gina had a few La Mascaras in the limo on the way to Flemington.

We have a brief rundown on everyone’s millinery and fashwahn, including Gamble’s attempts at hiding a nip slip with her black and white hair.

While she’s sorting out her wardrobe malfunction, Gamble tells the ladeez that she’s planning on holding dog races. Gotta say, I did *not* see that coming. Lydia practically implodes with excitement at the possibility of Mr Figaro winning – what with being a Greyhound and everything (Italian, but still).

Chyka can’t even believe that with everything they need to do in this busy social season, they now need to schedule dog races – which she clearly thinks is a new level of stupid.

Discussion turns to Cyclone’s Tempest’s surgery which is all done and dusted. According to Gamble she looks 10 years younger and it’s taken off 20 years. Sorry – I’m just reporting what she said. She goes on to say that the point with plastic surgery is that “you don’t want to look like you’ve been sucking cock all night.” Do you kiss your mother with that mouth Gamble? Eww.

PF sticks her bib in and asks if Gamble and Janet realise that botox actually paralyses the muscles. UMM, IT’S GAMBLE AND JANET you stupid bint. She goes on to say that people using plastic surgery need to know when to tone it down. A bit like stupid headpieces. Shut up PF.

Regrettably she doesn’t shut up, and announces that her book is about to be published and she wants to invite all the girls to the launch. Chyka, because she’s so lovely, gives props to PF for actually writing and publishing a book. God love Chyka. Gina, on the other hand, asks if it’s properly bound, in a cover, printed, like an actual book. Haha. That’s more like it.

Gina’s confused about what could be *in* PF’s book, given she really only has a paragraph. She says she’s posted messages on Facebook longer than that. Gina’s on fire tonight!

Time for the ladies to have a punt, and it’s good to see that Jackie doesn’t believe in using her psychic gift for gambling. Seems like kind of waste to me, but still.

Janet – who I’ve just noticed appears to be wearing a crop top, or at least a cut-out back, which no 128 year old should be wearing – rattles off the bets her bookie gave her, as Gina says “like an old pro”, which she clarifies as “professional”. ON A ROLL GINA!

Hey look, it’s Jamie Durie! There’s a special guest appearance I wasn’t expecting! They’re on the 3^rd level of the marquee (THIRD LEVEL?? I love going to the races here at Eagle Farm, but our marquees are lucky to have walls) which has a rooftop garden designed by “Jamie Drury”, as Janet calls him, and “you can even see the races from there”. Apart from Jamie, who is too short to see anything, and looks like he’s in a bouncy castle as he tries to see the ponies.

Lydia’s horse wins and she’s fully up herself, saying “I know how to pick a stallion, I sure do.” She’s clearly referring to Warnie Andrew. Ewww.

Gawd. It’s time for PF’s book launch. They’re at Circa in St Kilda *doesn’t add to itinerary because PF* and PF is busy being smug and signing books. Janet tells us that she read PF’s book before the launch, and that’s it’s all about “being true to yourself and putting yourself first and realising that you’re of no value to anyone if you’re not valuable to yourself.” So I can totally* see how the title “Switch the Bitch” fits with that. *not at all.

Lydia arrives and tells us how proud she is of PF, and how much she likes the cover (which I could have knocked up on Microsoft Publisher, just quietly). There’s much chatter about the finger-snapping, which gives me the almighty shits in much the same way as whistling does.

Lydia accidentally admits that she hasn’t had time to read the book and cops a full-on Julia Bishop deathstare from PF.

Gamble is trying to figure out what the fuck the book is actually about, and Lydia tries to explain it – tricky, given it’s inexplicable.

Then Jackie arrives to lots of squealing and proclaims that PF is shining and that she herself is looking totes couture. I’ve decided I love how she calls everything couture. I may start using it myself. I’m currently looking fully couture in my yoga pants, “Team Gina” t-shirt and birkenstocks.

Gamble and Janet are having a sly chat on the side about the other book “The Bitch Switch”, written by someone called Amarosa (should Google but CBF). Compared to that book, Gamble reckons PF’s is just a “baby” book. I wasn’t loving Gamble for a minute there, but I’m back to liking her now.

Gina arrives in what I want to say is a fur, but looks more like a hair coat. She’s very interested in whether PF actually has a publisher, which doesn’t seem like an unreasonable question.

Time for a photo – doing a “bitch click”. I’d like to give PF the “bitch flick”. She gets the girls to get into position – meaning the “power stance” and click their fingers in manner of her cheap book cover. Chyka’s face clearly says “I wish I was ANYWHERE ELSE”.

PF’s speech is as vacuous as you would expect. She says her book is “raw, real and confronting and not for the faint-hearted.” It sounds like she’s describing the food challenge on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Related: I’d love to see PF on I’m a Celebrity. Eating buffalo pancreas.

While Chyka, Janet and Jackie are all “you go girl!”, Gina and Gamble are eye-rolling for Australia. Thankfully, PF asks if there are any questions, which means Gamble can ask who the publisher is. Excellent!

Chyka reckons it was poor form of Gamble to ask the question, but really, it was a community service on Gamble’s part, because how else are we supposed to pour scorn on this ridiculous book? We need the facts dammit!

She is self-publishing. Of course she is. Because she doesn’t want her message to be lost in “editing and proof-reading”. Seriously, just the thought of how many misplaced apostrophes will be in that book is giving me the shakes.

Apparently she wants to “keep that bitch mentality in the book, and you can switch it!” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? I can’t even.

Wait – apparently she hopes the book is so good that a movie will come out. Someone has deadset spiked her La Mascara.

Gamble takes particular issue with one of the characters in the book – the “pathetic bitch” who apparently crawls up out of her pathos to become a successful strong bitch. Ugh. Gina, who we know thinks the whole book is bullshit, backs her up, and then Jackie bitchslaps them down (see what I did there?) for not being supportive blah blah blah.

And then things go sideways when Jackie calls Gamble Gina’s mouthpiece. Yeah, Gina’s gonna respond well to that.

Which she totally does, by saying “oh fuck off. God she’s a pain in the arse.” Which is the only appropriate response IMHO.

And because she’s ON FIRE tonight, she says she’s going to get a coffee, and asks Jackie if she needs “half an hour to get over yourself, would that be enough?” Hilair.

Anyhoo, back to the important stuff – Gamble tells PF that her issue with self-publishing is that sometimes you need a publisher to help you with your content. I swear Gamble is full of surprises tonight! I would have pegged her as knowing jack shit about publishing.

Turns out she once had her own column in… something… and knew what it was like to have an editor scream “I could wipe my arse with what you’ve written.”

But PF isn’t interested in having a publisher dissect her book. Because they’d want to BURN IT WITH FIRE.

Gina sums it all up by saying “It’s not published, it’s got a title that I find offensive, the content is hideous and really I didn’t want to be there.” I HEAR YOU SISTA.

Gamble is all up in PF’s grill about the plagiarism issue – GO GURL – but PF insists it’s all tickety-boo. Am I the only one who hopes that the other Bitch Switch person sues the stupid headpiece off her?

Anyway, I think I speak for us all when I say I’m well sick of PF’s moronic book. Let’s dust ourselves down and head out to Croatia-by-the-Sea to see Storm’s Tempest’s makeover. I’ve gotta say she looks pretty good. I mean, it’s not like she went into it looking like a patient from Botched (which I’M LOVING BTW) but she certainly looks “refreshed”, and even a bit more like Gamble.

It’s also the night of the Hen’s Party, which is being held in Croatia-by-the-Sea, rather than a club, to avoid any chance of being publicly humiliated. UMM, REALITY TEEVEE.

Tsunami Tempest is looking forward to starting afresh with Janet, although Gamble thinks it’s more likely she’ll rip her throat out.

Gamble has also invited “the twins”. Fuck I hate it when they do that – mention someone we don’t know and tease us with the possibility that they might be interesting.

Cash the Pomeranian has been knackered had surgery as well, but is no longer wearing the cone of shame. He does, however, desperately need a trip to the beautician, because his hair is ridiculous. There’s been an addition to the Pomeranian family – a girl called Wicket, who is a proper show dog, apparently, which means Gamble will get to dress inappropriately again at the show next year.

Meanwhile Lydia, Janet and OMG A FUCKTONNE OF SEQUINS are heading to the Peninsula for the Hen’s Party. Janet is pretty put out that Squall Tempest is going to be at the party, after what went down at the Billich Gallery in Sydney. The fact that she’s the bride-to-be’s sister appears to be of no consequence to Janet. Rude.

Croatia-by-the-Sea is looking very pretty, styled with those cool white ball lights all over the place, and floating white candles in the aquatic facility. It’s not quite Chyka and Bruce glamorous, and I can’t see any connection to James Bond, but it’s not unattractive. I’ll allow it.

Oh for fuck’s sake, PF has arrived dressed as actual James Bond.

Then Gina arrives, and her hair is mahoosive. She could comfortably house a family of four in that hair.

Chyka arrives in black leather, which she manages to pull off, because Bruce has styled it TO PERFECTION. Good job Bruce.

Gamble is apparently dressed as Solitaire (from Live and Let Die, played by Jane Seymour) although her frock isn’t even a little bit close to anything Solitaire wore. Still, it’s Gamble’s party, so she could dress as Spongebob Squarepants and say she was Miss Moneypenny if she wanted to.

Gamble takes the opportunity to use the party to do a reveal of Blizzard’s Tempest’s updated dial. Everyone agrees that she looks ace, except of course for PF who reckons it’s a bit too subtle and might need updating in a few years time. Because she’d know all about subtlety. One word. Headpiece. Now fuck off PF.

Speaking of subtlety, Gamble decides to enlist the ladies’ help with the decision about which diamond shape she should make the Silver Fox fork out for. So Boasty McBoast brings out both diamonds, and Janet ruins her own surgeon’s work when her eyes and mouth open wider than they’ve ever been able to. Lydia couldn’t give a flying fuck about the shape – she’s all about the number of carats – 2, 3, 4, 5, maybe 6..? Doesn’t bother with 1 obvs.

Time for a bit of dad-dancing around the pool. Truly, these ladies dance like I do in the car when Shake It Off comes on. PF does Mr Miyagi wipe-on wipe-off hands while holding a nerf toy gun, and Janet does that lassoo “eeerrrryone in Melbourne” thing with her right arm.

There’s a very sweet moment when the Silver Fox’s son Luke tells Gamble how glad he is that she’s marrying his Dad, and an even sweeter moment when he apologises for hating her in the first few months. Gamble tells him not to fret because she didn’t like him much either.

Luke confesses that he called Gamble a whore, a gold-digger and a bitch. Just excuse me for a moment. I need to make a quick phone call to my own stepchildren to check something….

Next up we see the first of Chyka & Jackie’s surprises for Gamble – topless waiters. Ooh err. Gamble is totes uncomfy accepting a prawn from one of the topless dudes, but Lydia is mentally transplanting Warnie’s head onto the body of one of the waiters and enjoying the result. In her head.

In a completely unexpected* development (*fully expected) the waiters turn out to be strippers. I’m with Gamble – I don’t like strippers. Maybe it’s because for my 21^st birthday, my work colleagues got me a dero-gram, which was a wasted, dero stripper. Still, I worked for engineers, so I suppose I couldn’t expect too much.

Anyway, Gamble is NAHT loving the strippers, and Jackie is COMPLETELY loving the strippers. Janet is filming the whole thing, probs to use with Carlos later on. Sorry. Not sorry. Eww.

Gina has a theory that Gamble’s phobia of strippers is the result of some past experience with strippers. Jackie wants her to shut the fuck up and enjoy the show, and Chyka reckons she’s a bit sensitive about strippers because of the *rumours*.

Once Gamble’s *ahem* session is over Jackie & Janet decide to get Chyka’s money’s worth and take the strippee’s position. (I just made up that word, but it should totally be a word.) They dak the boys and smack their badonkadonks to a cheering crowd. To end the show, Janet straddled Jackie and I immediately regretted the 3 day old fried rice I had for dinner *gags*.

Once all that unpleasantness was over, Gamble confessed to Chyka that an experience with strippers during her first marriage had scarred her for life. So Gina was right! You’d think Jackie’s angels would have given her the heads-up. Useless angels.

Elsewhere at the party Typhoon Tempest is apologising to Janet for her appalling behaviour in Sydney. Seriously, that’s some excellent plastic surgery going on there. Tempest’s, not Janet’s, obvs. Janet is all “don’t even worry about it, you were being a good sister yadda yadda yadda”, so that whole thing has gone exactly NOWHERE. Disappointing.

Meanwhile, Gina and Gamble are discussing the stripper phobia, which quickly turns to the stripper *rumours*. Gina wants to give Gamble another chance to come clean about whether there are any photos out there, and Gamble assures her there aren’t. This is definitely going somewhere.

Gina tells Gamble that she knows where the *rumours* are coming from, and drops the bombshell that it’s Gamble’s makeup artist, because she also works with strippers! I KNEW IT! (I didn’t really, I just needed to round out that revelation.)

Gamble is horrified. I think, because #botox. But she finds it hard to believe, because “Jacqueline” is apparently the “top makeup artist in the country. She does Julia Gillard’s makeup – the Prime Minister.” (Umm, pretty sure Tony Abbott was PM during filming, and whatever you might think of him, he probs doesn’t have a makeup artist.)

Wait. Sah confusing. Apparently the *rumours* didn’t come from Jacqueline, but because she works on strippers (and Prime Ministers), people may have put 2 and 2 together and got 35.

Not surprisingly, Gamble is right over this whole thing and wants the source of these *rumours* to fuck off. Same babes.

Gamble decides to move on to a more agreeable conversation, so she joins Janet, Hailstorm Tempest and random pony-tail lady. But things suddenly go awry when Janet tells Gamble she’s shitty with her because she reckons Gamble knew all along that the *rumours* didn’t come from her.

I have pretty much lost all interest in this now, but because I’m a professional* and I owe it to my readers, I’ll continue. (*not a professional).

Tempest (soz, but I’ve used up every synonym in the whole internet) cracks the shits that they’re still talking about the *rumours* given they all know they’re bullshit. She stops herself from ripping Janet a new one, and declares that whole issue finished. Thank fuck.

Gamble flounces off, but returns with the new Pomeranian, Wicket, for everyone to fawn over. Dunno where Cash is. Don’t actually care. Don’t even care about Wicket.

While Wicket is licking off Gina’s makeup, Chyka presents Gamble in a stylish gift box filled, as it turns out, with less than stylish “hen’s gifts”. Ahem. This is a side of Chyka I do not warm to so I shall ignore it.

Until next week’s finale. GAH!

Wait – WHO THE FUCK WERE THE TWINS???