My Kitchen Rules – Mon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
http://au.tv.yahoo.com/my-kitchen-rules/

We’ve made it people – the final instant restaurant, and the return of Peter and Gary. Two nicer gay bitches you’re not likely to meet. But how will this elimination round finish up? Will Peter & Gary deliver and leave Emma & Andrew at the bottom or will they be embarrassed and be the first team eliminated? Screw Ke$ha, let’s get into it…

As is traditional, Peter & Gary start their challenge day with a lazy breakfast at Chez Poo-fee. “The most important thing today is I don’t want to be late,” confirms Peter. He remembers vividly the scare he and Gary had two years ago where he was at least 9 days late and they both thought he was pregnant (collectively they’d never been so happy to leave a party with a jumper tied around Peter’s waist). Pete & Manu think Peter & Gary were out to impress Manu last time and remember that the entree was great, but the timing on the main let them down completely. “Each and every dish has to hit the table on time,” says Peter, “Otherwise they’re going home. Even though they’re already home. Who let’s me write my own scripts for these things?”

It doesn’t take P&G long to start demanding service of shop assistants. Entree – Moreton Bay Bugs; Main – Duck Galantine with Orange Sauce; Dessert – Rhubarb Creme Brulee. Pete hopes the garlic doesn’t overwhelm the Bugs, as when it does you could be eating anything. Thomas & Carla note that P&G are always confident in their abilities and not afraid to tell everyone about it. Unlike T&C who simply undermine everyone and stab them in the back. Simon & Meg love being at the top because living in New Zealand this is the only time they’ve ever been at the top of anything.

Just as P&G go to start their preparation, their power goes out. They call an electrician who attends immediately(!) – yes, in Peter & Gary’s world tradies do that – and in no time their power is back on and they’re ready to start. Pete’s worried the inclusion of the rhubarb will ruin what is a classic French dessert. The classic French stereotype chef then announces that, “Creme Brulee – you can’t find a more classic French stereotype dessert.” Glad we cleared that up. People were wondering. Stupid people.

As Gary learned nothing from their last instant restaurant, he starts on the deboning of the duck for their excessively over-complicated main, but insists he learned it from a “wonderful Woman’s Weekly recipe book from the 1970’s”. Back when he was in his 40’s. The protein is surgically splayed and filled with the ham and stuffing, and Gary’s furiously stitching Frankenstein’s monster duck back together. Peter looks at him and hisses, “Come on Gary, just get on with it. You’re taking a bit long, I gotta say. Concentrate.” You get the impression we’ve just had a unique insight into their boudoir.

Peter reinforces he doesn’t want to be late. Even the crew shift uneasily on their feet. Gary asks how Peter’s brulee is going, and he’s concerned they aren’t setting as quickly as they should. The duck’s ducked and in the fridge, and then there’s a stock emergency and then BONG BONG, the guests are here. Peter would love to think they’re having friends over for dinner but he thinks that’s far from the truth. Simon & Meg sit down at the table and in front of them there’s a toy shark eating one of the Kiwi toy’s from their instant restaurant. With friends like these…

Meg notes that Peter & Gary want to “take us off the top spot, they want to chuw us up and sput us out”.

When P&G welcome their guests to their instant restaurant La Cote D’or (again), Andrew knows they’re in for another night of French accents. Mainly bad ones, and mainly from him. Gary reminds us that he and Peter are serving actual champagne, as opposed to the sparkling wine they’ve been served at the other restaurants. Oh, and he’s not a big fan of seafood either.

A revelation: Peter tells us he’s cooked creme brulees before with 50% of the time it being OK and the other 50% of the time it being a disaster. PETER IS FALLABLE?!?! After checking the brulee’s this time (still not ready) Gary puts them back in the oven and causes some of the water bath to splash into the brulees.

“Quickly, tip it out,” says Gary.
“Wha… I can’t… tip it out Gary…” sighs Peter.
“Gently,” says Gary.
“DON’T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT *BEEPING* GENTLY,” barks Peter.
There’s lots of *BEEPING* swearing. Could this be the end of a beautiful friendship? It’s the drama we had to have.

Peter’s worried the brulees will never set now, but they have to move on. They can’t use the oven for the duck until the brulees are done and they’re not setting. Both P&G are stressed by how this will impact the timing of their main. BONG BONG Pete & Manu are here. Immediately Pete senses that something’s wrong, and reinforces that he hopes they won’t have to wait for 3 hours for main like last time.

The menu is revealed. Carla continues to reinforce her ability to state the bleeding obvious, Andy proves he’s still as racist as ever and that impresses his bride/sister Megan, and Peter shows he’s not the one in the couple that specialises in French. “I’m trying to figure out what a ‘galantyne’ is,” says David. Obviously those 1970’s Women’s Weekly cookbooks haven’t made it to the infantry field kitchens yet. Maybe in another 10 years.

The brulees are out (Peter notes which ones not to give to the judges – NOT the water infected ones), and the duck(s) are in the oven. Peter’s a little tetchy, but he takes his frustration out on the de-shelling of the Moreton Bay Bugs. It’s a simple dish, with tonnes of garlic (“Just the way I like it,” offers Gary), and they’re bang on the case. “We want people to like our food, that’s what’s important to us,” says Peter.

After a threat to kill their guests, entree is served. Andrew launches into a diatribe about the two hunks of baguette on their plates – “Is it ironic?” he asks ironically. The judges eat and Manu noting that the French love garlic but that P&G may love garlic more than the French though. “You get the sweetness of the garlic but you don’t get the sweetness of the seafood,” he says. Pete’s is overcooked. Manu also has a swipe at the accompanying carbohydrate: “This is not a baguette, this is fake bread.” Proving it’s ethnicity, the baguette stands and leaves the table in a huff. Everyone else dives in and agrees there’s too much garlic.

Gary’s prepping the sauce, the potatoes are ready, and then both P&G top and tail the snow peas one by one. This cuts to the guests discussing their poor time management last time and a hint as to the timing of the meals when Simon suggests the main will come at midnight but Emma corrects him, saying, “That’s early for here”. One can only imagine how late a night it was for P&G’s first La Cote D’or. It’s already been an hour since entree, and Emma’s got a killer whale stuck in the chicken truck. Yep, that old chestnut.

The duck’s out and ready, and Gary’s almost ready with the sauce. They’re getting ready to plate up, but Gary needs 10 minutes to remove all the string from the ducks while keeping the crispy skin in place. That 10 minutes is quickly becoming 15. Then 20. Gary’s happy with the duck – it’s moist, the stuffing is good – they think this might make all the difference. It looks pretty good on the plate, but what will Pete & Manu think?

Manu starts by… correcting Gary’s French. “This is not a galantine, this is a ballotine.” Gary deflects it by blaming the cookbook (stupid Australian Women’s Weekly of the 1970’s – what do they know?!), and Emma pounces on the ‘chink in the French armour’. Pete & Manu suggest it’s a great ballotine, but perhaps they could have added some sexier ingredients like some truffles or a hidden picture of Manu naked. The sauce detracted from the dish when added. Overall Pete thought it was good and he enjoyed it more than the entree. P&G dive into the kitchen to dissect the judgement and prepare dessert, while the guests eat and dissect their thoughts (some taking longer than others). Carla reveals her Gen-Y-ness by saying how she feels it’s “like a dish your parents used to make, hiding food in other food to get you to eat it”. She also reveals her ignorance of the process. Thomas jumps on the poor sauce; Andrew’s awake to it; Scott also thinks that Thomas is being overly critical to try and influence opinions at the table. “I didn’t like the dish, actually,” says Thomas.

Gary’s made the biscuit to accompany the desserts while Peter is working on caramelising the brulees, carefully separating the “water-infected” ones so that they don’t go to the judges, but he notes a couple of contestants are gonna get one. “Everyone at the table has had a creme brulee before,” notes Meg, “so it’s gonna be hard to deliver a dish that is widely accepted.” Fingers crossed, dessert is served.

“We never think we do desserts well, so for me this is the most anxious part of the evening,” offers Peter. “Whose idea was it to put the rhubarb in,” demands Pete. Both P&G admit they both did – they do it all the time. Liars. Pete felt the creme brulee benefited from the rhubarb and the biscuits. “I’ve been to some restaurants that don’t deliver a brulee this well,” says Pete. Manu calls it “la creme du la creme” and says it was enjoyable – exactly the way it should be. He didn’t mind the rhubarb at all.

Megan didn’t like it as hers wasn’t set in the middle; Emma didn’t like the inclusion of rhubarb as it was “too bitey” – that science degree is paying off. P&G are contemplating judgement from the teams, noting they can’t rely on those scores to get them through. Carla reveals that she and Thomas are really close to Emma & Andrew and “we’ve voted strategically before, would we do it again to save people we like?” YOU TWO-FACED COW, YOUR “STRATEGIC” SCORING PUT EMMA & ANDREW IN THE POSITION THEY ARE NOW!!! “Well,” shrugs Thomas, “It’s a competition, that’s what we’re here for.” Please form an orderly queue to punch both Thomas & Carla in the throat.

Time for the teams to cast their lots. But no, we’re not going to hear at the table – it’s back to Kitchen HQ to find out how Peter & Gary fared and who ended up at the bottom. Peter notes that everything his guests said to him about the food was good, but he doesn’t trust any of them. On arriving at Kitchen HQ, Peter notices the other teams from Round 2 and he’s not necessarily happy to see them either. Blah blah blah Pete & Manu recap blah blah blah, get to the damn scores, you stupidly wordy chefs!

To help build the tension, Pete and Manu will reveal their scores first:
P Entree – 3; M Entree – 5
P Main – 6; M Main – 5
P Dessert – 9; M Dessert – 9 (“Gentlemen, I loved your dessert.”)
Total score 37/60. This is the worst scoring and commenting yet, as it’s entirely done to add drama to a situation that didn’t need it. Mind you with a score of 37, they’re safe as houses despite how crappily the other teams will have scored.

The guest team’s combined score is 32/50, giving Peter & Gary an overall score of 69 (dudes!) out of 110. The bitchiest gays in the village survived! In a hastily re-edited addition Each of the contestants share their score to camera. Emma & Andrew are pragmatic in noting that Thomas & Carla scored them “strategically” but also mention that’s not anything they’d do. Manu is swift with the kill: “Emma & Andrew, you have unfortunately been eliminated from the competition. You are the Weakest Link and Big Brother wants to speak with you in the Dairy room about your pretty big numbers.”

“Good luck to everybody, the strategy now would be to cook good,” says Emma. Everyone shares their eulogies on Emma & Andrew and how much they’ll miss them and yada yada yada. “Our time on My Kitchen Rules was fun but too short,” says Emma. “We did something that only a handful of people in Australia get to do, and that’s wedgie Pete while having a threesome with Manu,” smiles Andrew, “And look, I’ve still got all my fingers.” Thank YOU, West Australian Scienticians, for your sense of fun and inability to deliver a decent meal at a manufactured and highly contrived dinner party.

Tomorrow night, My Kitchen Rules becomes MasterChef, and nobody notices.