MasterChef Australia – Mon-Wed 7pm, Ch10
http://www.masterchef.com.au/
Last night on Masterchef, Kylie went home in a blaze of nougatine, when the contestants were let loose in the restaurant of the chef with the hairiest arms in the business, Guillaume Brahimi. She learnt along the way that in this life, you “just do whatever you want to”, which is a philosophy incapable of having a negative side. Tonight, without barely taking a breath, they’re back at HQ for another elimination involving steak and a bull named Wayne.

It’s morning for the third last time. The contestants eat breakfast, smiles on their faces despite what happened to Kylie. Julia is feeling home sick, while Audra struggles with the simple task of putting shoes on like an adult and has to sit on the floor.

At Masterchef HQ things are no better. Gary, George and Matt are still there. They’ve been waiting quite a while. “Today is day two of finals week” says Gary, aka Captain Obvious, before adding that “this week someone is going home everyday”. SOMEONE IS GOING HOME EVERYDAY GARY YOU TWAT. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN SEEN PUBLIC TRANSPORT?

The first challenge apparently involves lifting a cloche off a plate as a cloche covered plate is brought out. Matt, eager just once to feel the liberating rush of being a contestant, completes the challenge all by himself as he lifts the sacred lid. With things ruined, a new challenge is formulated: they have to make the perfect sauce to accompany a steak. The sauces will be rated from best to worst to work out an advantage for the next round. “Twenty minutes to make a beautifully balanced sauce” says Mindy, unsurprisingly.

20 minutes is hard enough, but when Gary and George start asking questions it can seem like an eternity. Ben is doing a red wine and peppercorn sauce, and without prompting announces his own pressure points. Boy he’s learned a thing or two about a thing or two. Gary asks if he can disturb Audra for two seconds but takes about thirty. Audra is using chervil to make something light and fresh. Julia is doing a garlic and truffle aioli.

Matt claims the steak is lonely at the ten minute mark as he comforts be stroking it’s back and cradling it in his muscular arms. Mindy is doing a beautiful mushroom sauce, but George asks if it will be too creamy. She says “no not at all beautiful George”. In return George makes a face like a petulant child. Gary suggests Ben should waste gas, as he ignores the looming energy crisis and risks giving birth to a Mad Max style wasteland there in that very kitchen. George tells them to refine their sauces at the five minute mark. Andy reduces his sauce, but Gary mischievously suggests parsley would be a fine addition, in an obvious attempt to get Andy running to the pantry. And by gum it works!

Andy and Mindy are tasted first, so to speak, with their mushroom sauces. Andy’s is a hit as it elevates the steak David copper field style, while Mindy is too creamy, so to speak. Bens red wine and peppercorn sauce is next. Gary confusingly draws a circle in the air to indicate a question mark, his mind ravaged by high fat dairy products. Julia’s areola I mean aioli follows. George doesn’t like it, as putting the thick creamy white salty sauce in his mouth reminds him of the romantic weekend he recently spent with Manu Feildel. Audra comes up with her vinaigrette and Preston says it has a bad haircut. Julia is fifth, Ben is fourth, Mindy is third. They can’t decide between Andy’s and Audra’s, but they they do an Audra is number one.

Following these saucy shenanigans, the core ingredient of the next challenge is revealed. It’s John Torode, from the UK’s very own Masterchef. John is there being chaperoned by a cow named Wayne, who, since mad cow’s disease led to the cessation of the consumption of all beef products, has felt liberated and free from the dangers of digestion to such an extent that he managed to get himself elected Prime Minister of the country. Andy says it’s horn is bigger than his arms, but the cameras don’t pan down to John’s pants area so we lack confirmation. Julia feels confronted and doesn’t know whether to look at the cow or John. Depends who’s talking I guess.

Back in the kitchen Prime Minister Wayne Cow’s gruesome reign has ended suddenly with him being portioned for use in the next challenge. He is laid out, all his best bits on display. Audra grabs his ribs while Andy goes for his shins. Mindy wants the chuck and Ben grabs the rib eye, leaving Julia with the rump. Again! Audra is doing Asian style ribs, while Andy is told his portions are too big. Ben vehemently disagrees but Andy heeds the advice. Julia acknowledges steak is not her forte, but Gary suggests doing something for the first time is not the best idea in this situation. WHERE YOU BEEN GAZ?

Ben seems to have butchered his meat, but not in the good way, and Gary criticises every aspect of his planned dish, as well as his dress sense. Julia rolls out some dough, as Gary ramps up the punometer with one hour to go. Ben decides conveniently to turn it into a one hour challenge, as Gary, Matt, John and George discuss the merits of each. Audra, Andy and Mindy are all faring well, while Julia and Ben are struggling.

With 15 minutes to go Audra is back in the pantry as she risk overdoing it. More cooking occurs and with 2 minutes to go John slyly suggest Ben push. Even Andy has time to worry about Ben. Julia says “for me to go home and not have cooked my absolute heart out would be impossible as I use my titanium heart to caramelise things”. Suddenly the clock has found its way to zero.

It’s raining outside, a reminder that whatever happens within these hallowed walls, the wheel of life with a mouse inside chasing an imaginary piece of cheese continues on. Someone has left the door open and Wayne has escaped, minus a few choice cuts, and is loose in Sydney. No one cares though as there is food to be tasted. Andy is first up, and Gary is super impressed with the presentation, and thinks he’s treated the turnip, a “poor vegetable” beautifully. John says its “absolutely fantastic”, with the bitterness from the turnip, caused by a violent breakdown of its marriage to a so called “sweet” potato, bringing the whole thing together.

Julia is next and Matt claims to have been watching her shoulders, or whatever those things are that are just below her shoulders. Julia cries, because once again a dessert challenge has not been provided for her, and even when they do Kylie or Audra always steal the spotlight. Matt suggests that she needs to run a marathon or something. Matt says its a sophisticated dish that some of the judges will love and George will drop on the floor. But George doesn’t even get to taste. Instead Gary says the onions aren’t cooked enough.

Ben follows crybabyrobotica with his massive lump of meat, that John thinks is good but lacks direction, while George says its good cafe food but lacks clarity. Ben goes back to hide under his bench. Audra and Mindy come up with their Asian inspired dishes, elaborately presented in plates and bowls. Audra bowls George over while Mindy teaches them all to eat. Gary says “aaluvit” to Mindy’s dish, which may mean “I love it”. But John thinks the beef is not highlighted enough, and fears the other judges may stamp all over his feet, a traditional method of bullying in commercial kitchens the world over. John then leaves, embarking on a desperate search for Wayne Cow, who last seen headed towards Neil Perry’s Rockpool armed only with a pair of razor sharp scissors.

So who’s going home? Well all of them eventually. But first Andy is named as the winner of today. Andy says “it shows what I can do when I put my mind to it”. The least impressive are Julia and Ben. Ben lacked clarity cohesion and direction, while Julia didn’t, which is enough to see Ben eliminated. It’s a heartbreaking moment as Ben and Andy are parted for the first time. Ben gave up a girlfriend to be on Masterchef, but found Andy instead.

He returns home and says he’s grown massively, though weirdly all his clothes still fit him. He plans to visit his school and pick up his final pay cheque, before embarking on plans to open a Mexican restaurant with Andy, and possibly have a baby or two.