Farmer Wants A Wife – Wed/Thu 8pm, Ch9
http://channelnine.ninemsn.com.au/thefarmerwantsawife/
It’s makeover night on the farms! Six rugged, handsome Australian farmers get waxed, buffed and tanned until they are indistinguishable from prissy high-maintenance city boys!

Cue wildly out-of place RnB theme song! “I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU RIGHT NOW…”

I’m too busy coveting Natalie’s perfectly tousled hair to listen to whatever it is she’s saying, but something about farmers and love and surprises.

Matt takes his three spudlettes in their designer flannies (bless) outside to perform a classic FWAW farm job – cleaning an icky water trough. The girls good-humouredly clean the trough for about eight seconds before turning it into a mud fight. Matt is bitterly disappointed about his neglected trough. Natalie appears, making every woman alive feel like a ogre and gives Matt the news every farmer longs to hear – HE’S GETTING A MAKEOVER. He is unimpressed. Kristen is excited about no longer smelling like faeces. Quote.

We travel by map to Nikko’s (mum’s) sprawling country estate where his women are cooking him a special birthday breakfast. Jade isn’t sure how the girls will mesh, as they are all so different. Millie hopes that Nikko will be able to get to know who she really is. Rachel points out that she’s pretty and smart and makes him laugh so why the hell hasn’t he bought her a pony made out of diamonds yet? Nikko gets breakfast in bed from three young, beautiful women vying for his affections. He promptly begins to talk about how great his mum is.

There’s going to be a party tonight at Sam’s farm! Hopefully his mother doesn’t invite anyone. A new and attractive woman appears and quickly explains she’s here to give Sam a makeover and not to make him breakfast or bring up deep-seated resentment towards his mother. Sam is clearly uncomfortable about her talk of sprucing and waxing, probably because he’s a farmer. He nevertheless agrees, clearly not understanding the red-hot hell-pain of death that he’s in for.

Hilarious man waxing segments have worn a little thin but this promises to recapture some of the magic. Sam’s chest hair is so thick that the sadist, I mean waxer, actually has to use a brush to smooth it out. The next few minutes has Sam managing not to cry as hair is systematically ripped from his chest, stomach and nipples while his girls explain that they quite like that he’s a bit rugged and rough around the edges.

I’m not saying I’m not enjoying it, but seriously, makeovers? WHY? WHY? Shiny, hairless Sam laughs the experience off, confirming my suspicions that he’s like my friend Jason and can grow hair back by just concentrating really, really hard.

Down in Tasmania, Todd is once again walking shirtless in slow motion. Beauitful Natalie appears. She announces her intention to manscape Todd, who incidentally already looks a male model. The girls beg Natalie not to change his beard or hair, “…just give him some more clothes, or something.” More clothes? Like a SHIRT? Seriously girls, get on the team.

Back to Nikko. Nat has sent a girl to make over Nikko, who only narrowly avoids being melted by Rachel’s death stare. Nikko goes and lies on a bed in the garden, which is where I like to preen myself (?) and Rachel decides to be flirtatious by rubbing mud from the garden all over Nikko’s face to pay him back for all the horrible things he’s done. Yeah, I hate it when guys turn out to be millionaires. Poor girl.

Matt is standing outside in his underwear. Oh dear. A spray tan. Matt obliges by gracefully hopping on one foot, ballerina style, while the beautician gets in all the tricky bits. He seems to think his rugged country mates are going to make fun of him. He doesn’t mind though, because he’s GLOWING.

Tasmanian hairdressers are brushing Todd’s hair. Todd talks about past heartbreak but his hair is now pulled back, French revolution style, so no one anywhere with eyes cares what he’s saying. The girls assemble for the big makeover reveal. He’s wearing a shirt but the girls are still thrilled. Todd bashfully and proudly informs them that his BO is gone and then smiles in slow motion. The entire cast, production crew and sheep swoon.

We cross over to WA where the lovely Paul still seems unaware they’re shooting a dating show and not a documentary about working hard on your farm. Vanessa, however, has taken Paul’s unshakeable work ethic in stride and is determined to work alongside him to spend time with him. Oh my, it appears to be working. Oh, there’s some smiling. Hugging. KISSING. Oh my goodness, they’re falling in LOVE. I take it all back. Paul has taken Vanessa down to his beautiful sandy white beach for champagne and a sunset. And more kissing. My heart is bursting. Natalie appears and makes the wind murmur love songs to the trees. Paul is whisked away to be beautified.

Farmer Tom, hello! I forgot about you. Tom’s off to the big smoke for his makeover. Shauna and Fiona both elect the other as the biggest threat. Kristy thinks it’s all of them. Whatever.

Tom is in a Melbourne day spa in a robe and cowboy boots looking completely terrified. He is treated to a pumpkin peel, a facial and a pink shirt. Eventually he emerges to the delight of his ladies, a suave James Bond-esque butterfly.

It’s party time for Nikko in Richmond, Queensland. Rachel explains that as always, she’s quietly confident – “I look amazing. I am the shining star of the day. Go me.” Inspiring stuff. Nikko appears looking like he did that morning, but in a suit. What a transformation! The girls all complain about each other some. Nikko is looking forward to getting drunk.

Back to WA and Paul is getting a haircut and having a heart-to-heart with Natalie. Paul has realised that he may not have the time to run the farm and have a relationship. Vanessa is planning a romantic evening back at the house where an awkward conversation is looming.

Back in Ballarat, Matt is about to premier his new look. It’s a lot like old Matt, but orange-y. Matt grabbed Jasmine – do I know her? – for the first dance of the evening. The other girls are thrilled. No, not really.

Tom’s girls rock up to some fancy pants penthouse place. Tom steps out from the lift, still channelling Bond. It’s pretty cute and the girls are rapt with his cleanliness. It’s really more ‘the farmers have baths!’ than ‘farmers get makeovers!’ Tom gets all nervous because the girls look pretty and are smiling at him. Awww.

Before it gets too heart-warming, Tom springs into reality show mode and grants the girls one-on-one interviews with the other two girls watching on eagerly at a short distance. Shauna tells him she’s ready to give up her career and support her man. Kristy tells Tom that she thinks it’s love and she’s falling hard for him. Fiona tells Tom she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, LADIES. Clearly Tom in a suit is far too powerful a combination for these ladies. Yet Tom is stoked. Brave, brave man.

Paul is wearing a pink shirt, because he’s comfortable with himself. He has brought Vanessa the same kind of roses she brought him when they first met in Byron. She has transformed his house into a glittering, candlelit wonderland of romance. I’m about to get my heart broken, I can just tell.

Back in Tassie, Todd’s hirsute mates are awaiting his arrival at the local hot spot, the Bruny Island Bowls Club. Todd arrives – how else? – in slow motion. He introduces his lovely ladies. Jenna and Sara are mingling well, while Leah is quieter. Todd’s friends seem to be split pretty evenly between which girl is best and are happy to concentrate on their beards and beers.

At Sam’s farm, the girls are making a head start with his mates. New and shiny Sam arrives to the adoring stares of his two girls. It was quite sweet. Sam grabs Ellen for the first dance; Jodie immediately starts looking for another pole to show off on.

Matt is still dancing with Jasmine, who I’ve remembered now. Kirsten targets the wingman, which is clever but fruitless since boys don’t talk about feelings. Brittany decides to corner Matt, because she’s pretty sure he’s not interested in her. Matt tells Brittany that he thought she would be a bit precious for farm work but he’s wrong, and he doesn’t quite understand her yet. She replies – brace yourself for the QUOTE OF THE SEASON – “I kind of sometimes don’t understand myself because I am so deep.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, that was brilliant. Paul’s farm! Sexy dress, home-cooked meal and romantic setting have two happy people. Vanessa wants to know what Paul is thinking. Paul tells her it’s lovely to have her on the farm but he feels like Vanessa is moving quicker than he is prepared to, commitment wise. Ohhh my heart is breaking. Vanessa wants to know why he kissed her. Paul says it’s because she’s gorgeous. Ohhh Paul, why? Why? Vanessa asks the question that really should have come up during casting. “Paul, are you looking for a wife?”

Paul explains that he felt like that’s what was missing from his life but having Vanessa on the farm as a prospective wife has shown him that he’s not sure that he or the farm is ready. Vanessa didn’t come to the other side of Australia for a friend, she wants a long-term relationship. Paul says his heart is ready, but his situation isn’t. Vanessa is visibly upset and asks why he brought her here to begin with. Paul repeats that he thought he was ready.

Vanessa leaves and returns to have a conversation with Paul that we can hear but not see. She’s angry now. She wants to know why he kissed her and led her on. He replies that he didn’t lead her on. She says he did, she shouldn’t have let him kiss her, she should have left. This is brutal. Crying, yelling. Paul starts saying he is ready. The argument continues as we cut to another farm.

Nikko’s birthday is winding down. The birthday boy has snuck off to the shed with Jade. He’s feeling guilty about kissing Rachel the other night and tells Jade about it, interestingly describing it as happening “under a bit of pressure”. Jade is impressed with his honesty and has caught the implication that Rachel made the first move and Nikko went along with it.

Nikko is right about the pressure but downplaying his obvious enjoyment of the kiss (which we are now reliving). Nikko can now with a clear conscience kiss Jade, which he does with gusto. Afterwards Jade asks him warningly if he’ll be kissing Rachel anymore? He says no, of course not, and starts to panic. This is going to be gooooood.

Next week – Paul pleads his case with Vanessa! Rachel bakes! More girls go home! Everyone cries!