Farmer Wants A Wife – Wed/Thu 8pm, Ch9
http://channelnine.ninemsn.com.au/thefarmerwantsawife/
Tonight on Farmer Wants A Wife – ominous music! People kissing! Rachel’s arm disappears into a cow!
Stupid music plays… Paul’s still in the credits?? Is he going to get someone’s leftover ladies?
It’s time for the farmers to whisk one of their girls away on an overnight date – but this year the girl left behind has power to ruin it or join in or something. It’s intriguing.

We begin with Farmer Nikko. Sheep shot. Jade has helpfully decided to be awake for this episode. We relive Nikko kissing both of his girls as Rachel explains that she’s determined to beat Jade, pointing out that they’re both beautiful and it’s a close competition. Jade also wants to win. Aaand back to the sheep. To everybody’s delight, Nikko accidentally calls Jade ‘Rach’. He explains to us that the two girls are very different. Jade’s down to earth, Rachel’s cheeky and outgoing. Who gets to go on the overnight date to Magnetic Island? Jade! Regular viewers will recall that he’s not allowed to kiss Rachel anymore so no one is surprised. Jade is pleased but we’re all disappointed that the Nikko segments are going to be dull now. Go on, admit it.

Rachel seems genuinely devastated at being left behind. She is upset that Nikko finds it so amusing to throw her into farm work and watch her struggle but doesn’t give her the chance to spend time with him away from cows and sheep and poo. Nikko comes to comfort her – kind of – and asks if she’s just cut about not going to the island. She explains that she likes him. He spinelessly assures her it’s an even playing field and not to give up hope.

We jump to Tom’s farm, where the ladies are weaving wedding dresses out of the hair from his plughole. Tom is still upset about Kristy leaving but has to make another hard decision and choose a lady to go on an overnight date with. This is a big crying farm so whatever happens next you can be sure everyone will have a nice weep. I like Fiona best, although if he doesn’t choose Shauna for this date I’ll have to hear the tearful phrase ‘my man’ so many times that I’ll be forced to poke my ears out.

Fiona outlines her Five Year Plan which involves moving to the farm, marrying Tom and birthing Tom Junior and Tomette. Shauna explains that everything she’s ever wanted in a man is in Tom – which sounds to me like he’s filled with chocolate and flowers and suddenly the slavish adoration begins to make sense… Tom isn’t ready to decide which girl to take on his date, Fiona is worried and Shauna is crying.

Again.

We scoot down to Victoria to Farmer Matt, who I still haven’t forgiven for eliminating Kirsten. He’s hanging out with ‘so deep’ Brittany and ‘has a name’ Jasmine. He’s impressed that both girls charmed his parents and friends and whatever, no one cares… and the overnight date goes to… Jasmine. Matt wants to get to know her better, Jasmine is pleased and Brittany is disappointed, sad music plays.

Back at Tom’s farm, producers have frisked both women, removed all concealed weapons and Tom is safe to announce who’s going away with him for the night. Shauna is the lucky lady, to her boundless jubilation. Tom sends Shauna off to pack her bags and in her absence, quickly assures Fiona that’s she’s wooed him good and she’s still the favourite. He then promises her that there’ll be no overnight shenanigans with Shauna because that’s not what he’s about. Shauna has very, very different plans.

In a matter of seconds we learn that Todd has chosen vet nurse Leah for an overnight date, and Sam has chosen pole dancing Jodie – Sam is planning a ‘hot’ date. Is Jodie the mystery morning tent buddy alluded to in last week’s episode? Sam and Jodie hop in a helicopter where Jodie flirtatiously shrieks her lungs out, proving that the uninhabited centre of Australia is probably the best place for her. The aerial shots of the outback are completely beautiful and marred only by Jodie’s demonic screaming.

Todd is taking Leah to the zoo, because he’s twelve. Leah is frustrated by his lack of emotional transparency, because he’s twelve. Todd thinks Leah is more like a brother than a girlfriend. Bad sign.
Matt has taken Jasmine to a spa resort and has her in a bikini in about four seconds flat. Brittany gives the dog, and then herself a bath. Matt and Jasmine have begun dunking each other.

I know literally nothing about Jasmine, I don’t even think I’ve heard her say a whole sentence. How am I supposed to care about her if you give her less air time than an extra? Pick up your game, FWAW.

Nikko and Jade take a tiny plane to Magnetic Island. They immediately get in swimwear and indulge in some nice public pool kissing. Classy, guys. Speaking of which, Rachel has decided to shelve her disappointment and be proactive. She dons a bikini top, short shorts and knee high socks and traipses around in the mud to give Nikko’s ute a good wash. It’s kind of hilarious and it’s getting harder not to love Rachel.

Tom and Shauna head off to go for a bit of a boat and a fish. Shauna is excited that the evening is her chance to start a new life together. Tom hopes they catch a fish. Shauna calls the dodgy weather ‘the start to the magic’ and then there’s some kissing near a window. Everyone has some feelings. They head out on the boat and Shauna decides to confide in Tom. Previous medical complications have resulted in Shauna perhaps not being able to have kids. Tom tells her it doesn’t matter too much but admits to camera that it may weigh in on his decision, as he is incredibly keen to start a family immediately.

Todd and his brother Leah head off for some fine dining which made them both awkward as all get-out. Jenna is filling in time by decorating the house for Todd’s birthday tomorrow. The awkward silence at Todd and Leah’s dinner is quickly filled with a charm offensive from Todd, who tells Leah that she has nice melons, that he usually takes out blokes, that there’s something caught in his teeth and she should shut up and eat her soup. Both are giggling but it’s not exactly Wuthering Heights in the romance stakes.

Sam has taken Jodie fishing and she is determined to impress. Sam is smitten. Jodie is smitten. They catch a giant fish and curl up next to a campfire.

In Tropical North Queensland, Jade and Nikko are still kissing in the pool. Nikko thinks that Jade is not only beautiful but had a brilliant way of making him feel special. Back at the farm, Rachel is finished crying in her room and is going about proving that she’s farmer wife material. I suspect this is a token effort until she plunges her entire arm into the backside of a cow – presumably for business, not pleasure. Brilliant. What a legend. It emerges covered in a variety of fluids the like of which I’ve only seen in the darkest corners of my nightmares. She then gives a pig a bath. Rachel doesn’t think it gives her an upper hand but recognises that she’s now experienced the real side of farm work, unlike Jade. She’s come a long way. A farm worker called Artie says that she’s a natural and he should know, because he’s wearing a hat.

Sam and Jodie have got a real love story going here. They’ve spent the day giggling and flirting, teasing each other and to be fair, they seem incredibly comfortable with each other. By the fireside Sam is ready to express his feelings. He tells Jodie that there’s something about her, that’s she’s pretty wow. He tells her he’s only had eyes for her from the start. Jodie is stoked. It’s awkward and adorable and heart-warming and almost enough to banish the image of upside-down-Jodie-on-a-pole that’s been seared into my memory from Episode 1. AND THEN THERE WAS KISSING. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone else hoping his mum rocks up…?

Matt and Jasmine are at dinner and she thinks there’s some potential between them. She has probably had the luxury of experiencing some kind of verbal contact or interaction or activity between them so the audience will just have to trust her on this one. He is liking that she’s not already planning her move to the farm. The Farmer Wants A Casual Girlfriend. Magic. Jasmine can’t resist the chance to ask him if he’s kissed any of the other girls. Matt laughs awkwardly, admits that he kissed Kirsten briefly and then stupidly/honestly (pick your adjective!) tells Jasmine that he kissed Brittany the night before. Jasmine is displeased and upset. Matt explains that he finds Brittany interesting – no one believes you, dude – and that he just wanted to find out if there was something there. He quickly says that there wasn’t, completely contradicting what he said the evening before and we all settle into for the foreboding of good old-fashioned farmer drama.

Shauna and Tom are getting all romantic and Tom’s promise to abstain from shenanigans is wavering. When I say wavering, I mean they’re in the bath together. Fiona is spending the time back at the farm getting to know Tom’s family but she’s understandably worried. Wine, sleazy sax and bath kissing has Shauna convinced that Tom has made his choice and she has her man. SHENANIGANS MUCH?!?!? You can actually hear Fiona’s heart splintering in two.

It’s sunset on Magnetic Island and time for Nikko to open his heart. Unaware that Rachel is wearing a cow as a glove in a bid to impress him, he tells Jade that his parents LOVE her. She doesn’t realise that this is the strongest declaration of love Nikko can express, so he elaborates. With kissing. Jade and Nikko seem smitten with each other, leaving Rachel and her cow arm in a sticky situation (see what I did there?).

Next week, the fall-out from the 24 hour dates! Tom is in big trouble! Rachel starts to charm Nikko back! BRITTANY WRITES A SONG??????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!