We picked up where we left off with the combined girls team and the combined boys battling each other and near death racing up a geographical feature alternately referred to as ‘Hell Hill’, ‘Murder Mountain’ or ‘The Dune of Doom. Later on, Margie would have her own near death battle with the ‘Dunny of Doom’. But before that, the girls had the lead and Ryan was attempting to make it up the hill for the sole purpose of coming back down again. Being the heaviest contestant and gravity being such a defining factor in these events, Ryan struggled to get up to the top. He also struggled to get back down again, his arms flailing around like a giant inflatable man so popular with used car dealers on Parramatta Road. Ryan was only able to complete one round trip whereas as Luke was able to do it an incredible 17 times. However, despite Luke’s heroics, the girls team won and received a 2kg advantage at weigh-in.

Before getting to weigh in, the boy’s team had their last meal of orange food, so called because of its affiliation with certain protestant paramilitary groups in Northern Ireland. In celebration they raised and clanged their cold spoons together, the very same cold spoons that each had used to control their raging erections the night before. At weigh-in, though there was no such sign of self assurance. Instead, there was fear, there was trepidation, and there was a funny odour, the maker of which remained undiscovered.

Graham went first and expressed his concern that he couldn’t go home because he “still had a long way to go”, but he did eventually make it to the scales despite the distance and lost 4.1kg. Luke was next and he felt he would do well because he had worked hard, but was shocked to find he had only lost 2.2kg. No one could believe it, apart from the person who stocks the pantry. Hamish, despite immunity, still lost 3.9kg. Hayley quizzed Hamish on his night away with Michelle, but his answers were pretty noncommittal, only saying that he felt he had “got to the root of their relationship” as his left eye fluttered uncontrollably. When Ryan checked in for an amazing and probably undeserved 8.1kg loss, the total for the boy’s team was 2.68%.

Selena went first for the girls, and despite an expectation from the others of a meagre loss, she surprised everyone with 4.1kg. Michelle went up next and the sight of her walking forced Hamish to sit down to avoid embarrassment. Bek and Lisa lost respectable amounts of weight but their back stories were so boring that there is no point wasting valuable words on them. Hayley referred to some mysterious liaison between Simon and Lisa, but until the CCTVs catch some real action there’s no need to speculate. The forgettable Kasey lost a forgettable 2.5kgs, while Lydia could only manage 1.8kgs. It all came down to Margie to lose sufficient weight to beat the boys, needing 1.9kgs. In fact she pissed it in losing 5.4kgs.

So the boy’s team had to decide who would be up for elimination, and they broke into black and blue groups to make the decision. Black said they had a pact to nominate the person who had the lowest percentage of weight loss for the week, so Graham was nominated. Black also said they had a pact not to discuss with anyone what happened after they picked up hitchhikers in their van. For the blue team, Hamish said he “couldn’t live if Luke were to go”. He continued, saying that “I see him as someone who can help me, push me further, beat up the bigger kids at school who pick on me, and commit crimes on my behalf so that he leaves evidence of his presence behind and I get off scot free.” Luke said “I’d be gutted if I left today, because I’m pretty sure a local fisherman would mistake me for a fish, run a knife up from my anus to my chin, remove my innards, fillet me, and serve me with lemon and butter to his wife and children, metaphorically speaking of course.” In an act of courage rarely seen on television these days, Ryan decided to take a bullet and a filleting knife for Luke when he said he was going to put himself forward because he “couldn’t live with himself if Luke were to go and plus the pantry is nearly empty”. Then the big men hugged each other and cried, in scenes reminiscent of such gay porn classics as “Backside to the Future”, “Dude, where’s my cock?” and “Gays of Thunder”.

With that Ryan and Graham went into the elimination room where white and red decided their fate. Michelle expressed surprise that Graham was there for the black team, even though by her own admission she had no idea who the black team would put up. Hayley asked why Ryan was there and Ryan explained that it wasn’t Luke’s fault he “had such a small one.” Hayley then asked him if he could make it on the outside. Ryan was philosophical and blunt when he said “without someone to push me there is a possibility I will be dead in five years and you will be attending my funeral” which really put the pressure on Hayley to think up a prior engagement five years in advance so she had an excuse not to go to his funeral. Not to be outdone, Graham said he thought he would be dead within two years and didn’t expect Hayley or anyone else to attend his funeral. Graham finished by saying that “whatever decision the ladies come to here tonight, I will be masturbating in my room from 9pm tonight so please knock first”. This last statement was enough to hand Graham victory and Luke was sent home to finish his weight loss journey on the outside.

With the blue team down to two members the battle of the sexes was over and the four original groups reformed. The teams met for the week’s edition of the Contest, with three immunities and 24 hour leave passes up for grabs, the contestants taking part as individuals. The first part involved shifting a tonne of bricks from one end of a field to another. Luke, Margie and Simon burst out of the blocks and left the rest behind in their wake. Michelle got a little brick dust in her eye, causing her to wink, which Hamish misinterpreted, causing him to have to sit down to avoid embarrassment. Margie tested Luke all the way but it was Luke who prevailed with much joy and shoutiness. He decided that after visiting his family he would hit the pub and have one beer. That’s right, because he had learnt so much about nutrition and health, he would be having only two beers. No doubt about it, he had come too far to risk falling back into old bad habits, and that’s why he was going to limit himself to only five beers.

The next day the contestants were surprised with a snap weigh-in just before breakfast. The person who lost the highest percentage of weight since the last weigh-in would win the second immunity and 24 hour pass package. Lisa, Alex and Kasey went first, all losing about half a percentage point each. Hamish was next and couldn’t even manage one tenth of one percent. Hamish said that he had been thinking too much about the 24 hour pass, because all he wanted was a hug from his mum. However, thinking about hugging his mum caused Hamish to have to sit down to avoid embarrassment. Hamish’s weight loss wasn’t the worst, with Bek losing nothing, and Graham actually putting on a small amount of weight. On the other end of the scale, literally and figuratively, was Margie with a loss of 0.95%, but it was Lydia, with a loss of 1.23%, who took the prize. She decided not to waste her 24 hour pass on family and friends and instead used it to catch up on 5 weeks’ worth of Biggest Loser 2012 episodes which she’d missed so far.

The remaining contestants were then provided with an extra special surprise: a training session with NRL Premiers the Manly Sea Eagles, or to be more accurate 4 of the lesser known players from the Manly Sea Eagles, plus one of their trainers. After being taken through the various drills the players go through, such as sprints, hill climbs, tackling and advanced foyer defecation techniques, Hamish confessed to Shannan that his dad had said to him that he would be lucky to make it past 4 weeks on the show, given that he is such a lazy, unpopular, uninspiring, boring fat git. But being Hamish’s father we can expect him to be a bit biased.

The final immunity and 24 hour pass was up for grabs in the week’s edition of temptation. The contestants were blindfolded in the lounge room with boxes of chocolates in front of them. The aim was simple: the person to eat the most would win immunity. Much to everyone’s chagrin, Hamish was the only one to take part. Even more surprising, though he suspected no one else was taking part, Hamish chose to eat an entire box of chocolates, wasting an incredible 988 calories. Hamish declared that immunity was secondary, and that getting home to see “Mummy” was of primary importance, a statement which no doubt sent shivers of sexual excitement down Michelle’s spine.

On his way back from his 24 hour rendezvous with his mum, Hamish stopped off to buy some flowers for Michelle. Hamish explained that he “hadn’t had a lot of experience with girls and I’d heard flowers were a good way to win them over. I also heard the same thing about Rohypnol but the florist was sold out.” Back at camp he presented the flowers to Michelle in the most romantic fashion he could imagine: between two generous slices of freshly baked bread.

With immunity and romance put to one side, the contestants met up on a windswept beach where Hayley introduced them to the final challenge of the week. Each team had to dig up, carry and paddle a kayak each, bringing back the weight equal to their losses so far. The last team to return would face a 1kg penalty for each team member. Each team had trouble even finding a kayak and oar, but the white team, who had the benefit of 4 people, struggled to work as a team, with Selena copping the most flack from the others. Blue also struggled, and as a result of a foot injury to Luke, Hamish had to carry their kayak over the sand on his own. Luke asked Hamish, quite unreasonably, whether he was in the blue team or in the “I want to give my mum a hug team”. The answer should have been obvious to Luke considering the colour of the shirt he was wearing.

However, the infighting was fatal to the white team. They couldn’t get it together to even get the kayak out of the sand, and thus earned themselves a 4kg penalty at weigh-in.

To the end the week, viewers were given a taste of what was to come, including the shocking revelation that a contestant would be expelled after things “got out of hand” during an impromptu celebration, with the said contestant “crossing the line”. What could it be? Sexual harassment? Drug use? Property damage? Copyright infringement?

The Biggest Loser – Mon-Fri 7pm, Ch10.