The Biggest Loser AustraliaMon-Thu 7pm, Ch10.
Shane admits he stared out with ‘mystery’ for the simple fact that it may contain “something to help us” (Team Black). After the exhausting walk out the producers make him walk all the way back to tell everyone what the outcome is. Shane stumbles in and in between heaving breaths is able to get out “the British are coming.” The Commando slaps him senseless and 25 minutes later they pick up filming and Shane explains everything in minute bogan detail.

The outcome was that Selena would be coming back. Little did Shane know that was the message in each box. “Poor old Margie, she had a look on her face that could tear the bark off a tree” offers Shane, covered in bark. Selena’s back, and Shannan thinks out loud that the White team must be over the moon that she’ll be back next week. In classic Shannan style he fails to understand how the competition works. Margie also proves that she doesn’t know how to sing Kum-By-Yah by sitting on the couch with the Red and White teams and bitching about her further. Margie’s drawn Lydia to her side and together they from the current axis of evil.

What better way to stop the rot setting in than to take all four teams to the beach for a rock-solid training session. Beach sprints for the Red Team & no tea and sympathy from their trainer. Cue tears from Brenda & pseudo-psychiatry from Herr Bridges for her and the entire team. Meanwhile Shannan was smashing the Blue Team with stair climb & ritualised humiliation. We get to see memories of Hamish eating meixcan in his car on Mt Coot-tha again. We know they are memories because they are slightly faded colour and he’s not wearing his Biggest Loser uniform. Shannan pushes Hamish down the stairs as he continues to complain, and then pushes him back up the stairs – you have to start wondering who this is a workout for. Team White were struggling out the Dojang, but Sensei Tiffiny was on their case. Meanwhile the word “burpee” still makes me giggle.

All the teams were taken to a strong room in Sydney Town Hall that contained a table full of temptation – “all the things that got us to camp Biggest Loser in the first place”. The contestants meet with Hayley who continues to ask questions nobody asked or wanted answers for. Hayley reveals that tonight’s temptation is worth $30,000 in one stupid little bar of gold – talk about underwhelming! Why not offer $30,000 worth of KFC and give a sponsor a workout?

Each contestant gets to be in the temptation room for 5 minutes alone, and no one other than the cameras will see them eat if they eat. The contestant to consume the most calories wins the Wonka golden ticket. 80 minutes of real life later after all the contestants have had their 5 minutes, and we saw some interesting strategies were at play. Who were the weakest, most easily distracted and financially desperate of the group?

Once in the ante room, the trash talking started which made NO SENSE AT ALL. Why pretend to have eaten something AFTERwards? Idiots. Most didn’t eat, but a two did: Lisa (Team Red) ate one Freddo for 70 calories in the hope she’d gazzump someone who went for the minimum 50 calorie option; James (Team Blue) drank two colas, a cheese platter and a serving of chocolate, for a total of 960 calories. The others were disgusted – “I feel sick hearing he ate 960 calories, that’s our daily intake” offered Ryan – but James walked away with $30,000. There’s always a twist… for James to take the money he has to leave Camp Biggest Loser, and the cash is deducted from the $250,000 total prize money (did he not watch last year’s show?!?!). If he rejects the money, he gets to stay with immunity this week. It’s your classic switcheroo!

My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
This is the episode we’ve all been waiting for all… week. Florist Leigh and Princess Jen – Team SA – strutting, showing and generally presenting themselves as ready for mating. Leigh admits to being a little bit COD and starts by acknowledging show sponsor Windex.

“I don’t know what the Princess tag is all about” says Her Majesty as her page girl runs off to get the maid. This entire episode tonight will be unique for Princess Jen as she’s only ever been in the kitchen to ask the chef to re-cook her steak as he did it wrong in the first place.

Pete & Manu cast an expert eye over their menu. “Fish floss is basically just cooked fish” Pete reassures us. Wow. Those girls are really stretching themselves. More fish for main, and Manu is concerned about the crispness of the skin. “French french blah blah french mulloway” he says. While Princess Jen finds time for coffee the girls head home to setup the restaurant. With a burlesque theme and Princess Jen’s Thai background the party games should be a real eye opener tonight when they break out the ping pong balls.

Florist Leigh is concerned their guests won’t like the fish floss, but Princess Jen reassures her that she’ll just have to do it again if she gets it wrong. Pete doesn’t know where to start in reviewing Team SA’s dessert menu, but Manu is confident that “French blah blah sesame”. Why don’t they give him subtitles? I guess the budget for this episode was spent on roses for Team SA’s table.

Team NZ’s Simon is confident we’ll see something “speeeshul” from the girls tonight, as Florist Leigh admits her brain has gone into shutdown mode. Surely partnering with Princess Jen for this show was indication enough of that. Welcoming the teams to their instant restaurant “Burlesque”, Helen isn’t sure what that is, so Steve starts to explain by doing. He needs to do less explaining. Mojitos – lychee and lemongrass – for everyone!

“Our decanters are over the top – just like us” notes Princess Jen. “How do you clean it?” asks one of the contestants. Princess Jen has her taken out and flogged for her insubordination. Forgetting she gave the doorman the night off, Princess Jen and Florist Leigh leave the judges wating at the front door as they make their fish floss. Angela hasn’t quite mastered faux shock when noting the menu is Thai-inspired. Simon’s not excited about the fish floss mainly because he uses a file to clean his one remaining real tooth. Pete was wondering where the spices are, but Princess Jen reminds him this is her mum’s recipe and as he leaves she realises she’s entirely stuffed the first batch.

Manu thinks the fish floss isn’t bad, but “needs more chilli for my palate” (thanks Pete for acting as interpreter). Pete thinks so too. Everyone loves the entree but we’ll see how much they love it come scoring time. As the girls start preparing the main, they note that not only have the fillets not been pinboned but also that they’re too thin (insert Biggest Loser gag here). As all experienced chefs would do the girls choose to cook the main course mulloway using a method they’ve never used before. So experienced. Everyone raves over the dish and Princess Jen takes full credit.

Dessert is delivered on individual tiles, freshly windexed by Florist Leigh. “I’ve brought food up on a tile before” confesses Carla. Pete would have preferred if the dish was a little more simple, and Manu just kept repeating the word “dry” as he dehydrated and shrunk to become the withered old man he usually is when he misses his weekly hydration therapy. Now that the big chefs have turned their nose up at the dessert all the amateurs opened the floodgates with their criticisms – “I didn’t like it”; “It wasn’t very nice”; “I missed the ping pong show”.

Thanks to the dessert it was 7’s from everyone except Team WA (“six out of ten, for sure”) – giving the Florist and the Princess a total score 34/50. Pete & Manu scored, including over-long pauses:
P Entree – 9; M Entree – 9
P Main – 9; M Main – 8
P Dessert – 3; M Dessert – 4
Overall score: 76/110
Leigh is overcome mid-judging and has to step out for some fresh air, possibly overwhelmed by her own drama. The judges were right to cane their dessert, and Princess Jen was right to be a complete bitch about it in the interview afterwards. Every one is off to New Zealand tomorrow as “a trans-tasman rivalry storm is brewing”. Hopefully a nice pale ale.