Excess BaggageMon-Thu 7pm, Ch9.

Any body language experts wanna guess what this means?

Host Kate greets us to remind us it’s the last day in the Whitsundays, and that today is the fitness test ahead of a check-up later on. Christian drills the contestants with push ups, pull ups, 40 metre sprints and sorts of medieval torture. Gabby notes she still can’t do a pull up, but then Darryn still can’t look at Lisa without wanting to punch her. Dipper lines up for a sprint and pulls his calf muscle 10 metres in. For some reason Darryn seems to be narrating a lot tonight, but he makes it extra bitchy so it’s even more enjoyable.

Lining up for the 1.6km run, Gabby and Christian go head to head (and for some reason Darryn thinks he’s helping by yelling at Gabby at the end). “There’s stuff bubbling up I don’t want to stay inside, I want it out, I don’t want it sticking to me,” Gabby says at her piece to camera later. She’s immediately thrown backward as her stomach bubbles and a small alien creature bursts forth and runs down the beach leaving a gaping hole in her trunk. The race starts and Darryn knows he tried his guts out and put in a good effort. Christian runs along with Gabby (who pushes him away), trying to offer words of motivation which Gabby tells him in no uncertain terms that he isn’t helping. A MELTDOWN! How delightful. Darryn leads the boys across the line and Gabby leads the women across the line with “barely enough energy to collapse under a tree.” Lisa shuffles across the line last to Darryn’s constant ‘encouragement’ – if looks could kill, Darryn would be burgers at the local takeaway.

Gabby comes back to Christian to explain she’s not angry at him, rather what he said stirred up some personal issues surrounding her father and her feeling like he abandonded her when she was five – but Christian came back to help her. Christian never thought as a boxing coach and personal trainer he’d be dealing with people’s emotional problems and their ‘excess baggage’. What a great name for a celebrity reality weight loss show.

Check in time! Who wins $10,000 this week for charity? Who’s been doing the best? Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Ajay isn’t focused on the number on a scale – she just wants her fitness to have improved. And to have lose the most weight. All of a sudden Christian is explaining the maths behind the team check-in score, and I’m confused. Can someone carry the one? Christine and Nathan from the Yellow team get their results and it’s all good. Weight loss, waists shrinking, fitness test results improving. Ajay and Matt (Purple team) pulled OK numbers (Ajay smaller), which Ajay blames on being brainwashed by a different modus operandi. Stupid Latin and it’s ability to brainwash.

Dipper and Lana (Orange team) get good results across the board, reflecting their effort despite Dipper tearing his calf muscle in his fitness test. They place third so far. Kate and Sarah (Pink Team) get a great overall score, thanks largely to Sarah’s great results and it rushes them to the top of the leaderboard with 4 teams still to go. No one yet can explain how the numbers work, but everyone’s really happy with everyone’s results. Darryn & Lisa (Red Team) face their facts – Darryn has put in a sizeable effort to grab a check-in score of 14, the highest individual score so far. Lisa hasn’t achieved quite as well as Darryn – her other results are low but a good increase in her fitness score helped her get a check-in score over 6. Darryn and Lisa then dive into a domestic over the level of effort Lisa did or didn’t put in over the last week, and Darryn is taking no prisoners with his opinion (like he never has before).

Gabby & Ben (Green team) pull some solid numbers, though Ben’s fitness test number hasn’t changded. This result pushes the Green team to the top of the table, with two teams to come. K-Fed & Renae (Blue team) deliver massive results together to shoot them to the top of the leaderboard with a team check-in score of 30.6. Finally, Brant and John (Grey team) are last and Brant is confident they’ve got it made. Brant’s body fat has gone up, his waist hasn’t changed, and his fitness check was the only serious improvement. Dr Tim is glad they have a humourous approach, but notes they need to take it far more seriously. The Blue team win, and the $10,000 goes to K-Fed’s charity Variety Australia.

Kate then tells us once they add the Kimberley and Whitsunday scores, it will start to indicate which teams are looking like they’ll be eliminated once we hit the half way point. Not one person still can explain how the math works. But next week, on GO!, everyone’s off to Tasmania and the threat of being pushed off the top of a massive dam. Damn.

The Biggest Loser AustraliaMon-Thu 7pm, Ch10.

Shannan uses the "softly, softly" approach on Hamish

After the great success of the public speaking event where the contestants were scared straight – except for Margie – it was back to Camp Biggest Loser, where a little surprise was waiting for them all. A photo wall had been setup featuring pictures of their family and friends, and letters from home. Because, after all, they’ve been away for three. whole. weeks. Whoever decided they should read them out the group was caught out when one of the letters turns out to be an extract from the Penthouse letters page. ‘Nuff said. The rest of the letters are best summarised as: “We love you”; “We believe in you”; “We’ll love you more when you lose the weight, fatty”; and “Get confident, stupid!”. “It’s been so mentally drained today,” says Luke, adding, “I card read good too.”

Enough lazing around the couch… TRAINING time! Shannan yells at the Blue team as only one of them did his homework – more than enough reason for him to start emotionally manipulating Hamish. A spin bike race soon proved Shannan’s methods get results: Hamish tied with Luke in the spin bike session, and then bursts into tears. AGAIN. Sooky-la-la Hamish working hard on that Kleenex sponsorship. “Hamish is capable of so much more,” says Shannan, chest puffing out. So he stuffs lit toilet paper down Hamish’s pants and makes him do another five minute spin bike session.

Michelle enters the common room to see her Red team on the couch, and Margie’s right arm in a sling. No training for her. All of a sudden the rest of the Red team are wearing slings too. Michelle kicks them out to the parade ground and straps each of her ladies to tyres to drag around a course. Lydia again mistakes training for a psych session and admits she has many demons to address. Michelle laughs. “This just shows if you really throw yourself into this, and put yourself out there, into something that’s maybe not that comfortable, things change. You change, and that’s exciting,” she says. I know, right?! Out where?! What things?! Psycho-babble. Also this tyre-training seems to be the worst way to transport tyres known to man. But when the teams get back from training, another surprise is waiting for them in the team dorm rooms.

SURPRISE! The rooms have been converted into a veritable treasure trove of the kinds of food at the contestants are all tempted by. Funnily enough, it’s a 12-hour temptation where the teams are locked in their rooms and the team to eat the most calories score TEAM immunity. Hot pies and sausage rolls, chips, mini quiches… this is gonna be tough. Or send them Stephen King’s “Misery”-style crazy. Right from the start the White team are contemplating getting involved in the temptation – and, of course, the trainers have been summoned to The Bunker to watch their teams for 12 hours (no mention of what food they’ll be served, though). GAME ON!

The Red team note straight off the bat that if they get involved, trainer Michelle will cane them. The Black team are encouraged by Simon to flat out not be invoved, but they speculate the Blue team will do it. Notepads out, calorie counts determined, and the Blue team think they can risk it. Shannan’s seeing Ryan manipulating the Blue team, and Hamish folded like a piece of A4 paper. The White team want in for immunity too. Damn you, yellow line and your ever-present reminder of failure! As the trainers are delivered another round of petit fours by their butler their spokesperson Tiffiny says they’re all yelling at the screens, telling their teams “No! No!”.

The justifications are flying thick and fast in the White team’s room, and the Red team have already moved into fantasising about how good it would be to eat some of it. “I hate being a fatty,” laments Margie. The Black team have decided to exercise in shifts across the 12 hours (good luck with that). Over at the White team Michelle is offering a silent vote to decide. Hamish is the first to eat – a packet of cheese and crackers, about 210 calories… and it’s about to be a slippery slide into hell for them. The Commando is proud of his team, still walking around their room and not eating. Excuses everywhere! Who will cave? Who will throw the conch away and start eating the other contestants?!

Smorgasboard time in the Blue team’s room, and the Red team have gone to sleep. All of a sudden Luke decides it time to start exercising – “Shannan would be proud of us”. “Their training is disgusting,” barks Shannan, “Nowhere near enough commitment.” Then, in a moment of inspiration, the Blue team decide to cover up the food so that the temptation isn’t visible. With 10 minutes left in the challenge. Shannan shakes his head and prepares to kick their arse. The team’s celebrate their success, and the trainers have to remind each other about rule one of Bunker Club: “No one talks about Bunker Club.”

The teams meet in the common area to have Hayley reveal the results: the Black team ate nothing; the Red team ate nothing; the Blue team had at it and consumed 2,745 calories; and the White team also decided to eat and consumed… TUNE IN TOMORROW NIGHT to see Tiffiny and Shannan go off their nut at their respective teams, and the contestants cast general looks of disgust at the White and Blue teams.

My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7

"The pan's on fire! The pan's on fire!"

Round 2 starts, and it’s six whole new teams we need to get used to. Oh, the characters. Oh, the establishing of characters that we are to love and hate. What manipulation?!

The first Group 2 team – Team NSW’s Sam & Jillian – are prettying themselves for the day ahead. Looking at Jillian and the work so many doctors have performed ahead of filming, there still isn’t enough daylight for her to be prepared. All of a sudden we learn they are “potential in-laws”, with Sam dating Jillian’s son. They immediately talk about how close they are and how Sam brought them together but their common love of fashion and food cemented their relationship. Starting to get the feeling Ch7 are now playing an episode of Please Marry My Boy by mistake.

The girls head off to shop, and they’re so organised. Their entree will be pea soup with parmesan pillows (which needs Agar Agar, leading Sam & Jillian to an asian supermarket where Sam immediate feels out of her depth – being the eldest of 6 kids to asian parents); their main is Sesame Encrusted Tuna; and desert is and Early Grey Bombe Alaska. Both Pete and Manu are quietly confident this menu will work well, though there are elements that could confuse people. Team NSW’s instant restaurant is called “Food Republic”, with a carnivale theme. Pete wouldn’t want to be lighting desserts on fire as their first menu, just as he wouldn’t want to be working with his potential mother-in-law.

With one hour to go, the peas go in the soup and the ice cream goes in the freezer, and the girls go get into their party gear. Who needs an entree?! Team WA’s Andrew notes the girls will be more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and Team Qld’s Peter reminds us that it’s not in his nature to hold back. The devil’s horns added in post production are a giveaway how they’re setting up his character.

Peter doesn’t understand what the instant restaurant name of “Food Republic” means, and the hosts get Team TAS offside immediately by not having any beer to serve. Stories are shared, people get to know each other, and the scienticians from Team WA reveal that Andrew is accident prone. This can only be a GREAT thing. Team QLD’s Peter and Gary reveal that cooking allows them to relax and unwind when they get home from work and they work really well together, adding another reminder that they’ll call it as they see it. This again can only be ANOTHER GREAT THING.

The judges arrive just as the parmesan pillows fail to materialise, and Sam & Jillian fall apart in meeting them. Big expectations can only lead to big failure. As Sam explains the entree will be plated without the parmesan pillow, the eye rolls and pieces to camera reveal just how happy the other teams are that Team NSW is stumbling at the first hurdle. In the kitchen there’s no pillows and not enough pea soup. Where is this famed organisation the girls sizzled at the start of the episode? Peter & Gary remind us they wouldn’t serve something as simple as soup in their instant restaurant, and certainly not in a jar. It’s lovely they way they finish each other’s sentences and backhanded compliments.

Sam’s visibly upset to curry empathy while the entree is judged, and while the serving style is noted as being young and funky, the missing parmesan is key and the peas have been cooked for too long offering a dull instead of vibrant green. Team WA have resigned themselves to only eating from jars in future – harking them back to their days at Uni. Sam’s busy with the tuna while Jillian is fussing over the pund cake for dessert. It’s chaos but Same still has time to explain how to make an aoili. One hour since the jarring entreee (ZING!), and the natives are restless. Peter will take the time delay into consideration when he judges… you get the feeling he’ll take the ambient weather into account too.

The main is plated WITHOUT aoili, after the girls learned nothing from their entree debacle. Smoke signals from Manu indicate he’ll have trouble finishing the dish without the aoili. Pete is concerned about the seasoning, and the dish looks dry. Jillian fixes her hair in the mirror in the kitchen as she and Sam dissect their second failure. Always time to look lovely, darling. The girls dive into preparing their Bombe Alaska and Sam again explains how to make the meringue. CONCENTRATE, woman.

Sam & Jillian deliver dessert and after delivering the dishes they ladle warmed orange liquer over the dessert and it lights just as planned. Ideal. As Andrew lights his dessert he addidentally lights the ladle and Jillian puts it back in the pot, lighting the pot. Cue hilarity, and Peter noting that he “hoped it was deliberate because I like a good show.” Oh, this is gonna be so much fun. Manu saves the day by extinguishing the flaming pot, and dessert can continue as planned. The girls know without a good score for dessert they’re not going to do very well. “Your dessert has lit up the rest of your menu,” says Manu via the subtitles. Pete’s glad they delivered something as promised.

No real surprises in the scoring based on the first two dishes. Team TAS – 5; Team WA – 5; Team Vic – 6; Team SA – 6; Team Qld – 6. Total score 28/50. Peter notes he would not go back to Sam & Jillian’s instant restaurant again, which is probably for the best considering the ‘instant’ and therefore temporary nature of it in the first place. He’d be very lonely. Pete and Manu scored:
P Entree – 5; M Entree – 5
P Main – 4; M Main – 5
P Dessert – 9; M Dessert – 9 (“Thank God that dessert was a success.”)
Overall score: 65/110
It’s a low bar to start, but who knows how the other teams will progress. It’s time for the scienticians to step up as tomorrow night it’s time for Team WA to strut their periodic table-inspired stuff. Expect liquid nitrogen inspired fun!