(giggle) Darryn ran into a tree (chortle)

Excess BaggageMon-Thu 7pm, Ch9.
Remember how K-Fed got sick and was taken to hospital. No? Well K-Fed got sick and was taken to hospital. I’m sure we’ll hear all about it for the next hour. At least there’s the promise of injury and arguments.

Lisa gets excited about being picked up by the troopys because she doesn’t get out much. Everyone’s turning up for the first endurance challenge and we hear that K-Fed was taken to hospital. “It let’s me know I’m doing the right thing by getting healthy again,” he says… as the doctor pumps another 2 litres of saline into him.

Coach Christian welcomes them to the endurance challenge. “It sounds long,” says Ajay off-camera. That private school education is really paying for itself. Each team is competing with one team member blindfolded while the other directs them but only with their voice. The winners of all challenges score $10,000 for their celeb’s charity. 2 heats, 4 obstacles, 7 people running around looking like idiots, 7 people yelling at them, 7,323,423,377 flies.

Christine notes she and her partner haven’t worked out each other’s language. Nathan doesn’t speak native Australian; Christine doesn’t speak gay bogan. While the challenge seems fairly straight forward there is something mesmerising watching people running with blindfolds on. You just know someone is going to injure themselves big time. The first half of teams did it injury free, with Brant & John won heat 1. Heat 2 stares down across the Kimberley plain like a papparazzo staring dowin the lens at a naked Gwynneth Paltrow sunbaking topless in her private yard.

Lisa led Darryn up the garden path and and straight into the first obstable without warning. Then a tree. Then a branch. Then into his own personnified self-importance (which was so over-inflated it was really hard to miss). “Can’t see anything – this is a real trust situation,” says Dipper. I wonder what his other trust situations are like? Ajay & Matt decided it was OK to start calling each other “Husby” and “Wifey”. WHY THE FACE?!?! At least Matt notes he’s been called worse – it usually rhymes with “Dunt”. Kate and Sarah won the second heat, though all the glory went to Darryn the injured and Lisa the demeaned.

“Life’s not about winning all the time,” Lisa assures Darryn.
“You just don’t want to win enough,” replies Darryn in his most affirming tone. “I am full metal jacket!”
Only if that jacket is fleshy and from a morbidly obese celebrity photographer. All of a sudden Darryn gets upset because others were consoling a visibly upset Lisa. Everyone got angry at everyone else. Then Darryn got angrier and the lead-in promo depicted him with hair-horns and labelled him “Nasty Papparazzi”. Really, why not just call him “Darryn the Barren” or “You complete arsehole”? It would have been more accurate. John and Brant won the final thanks solely to Brant’s ability to crawl like a baby, winning 8 points for their team.

During dinner I had a sudden urge to vote for Anna McGahan in the Logies. Stupid banner ads. Gabby notes that everyone is being tempted by the presence of Christian. Hushed tones are offered as Nathan offered to Christian he’s been sneaking food back to his room for some “special” time. Christian talked Nathan through it, and then Renae turns up with a report on K-Fed who was apparently in the hospital.

Everyone’s a bit snarky with each other the next morning – “It’s so exciting,” offers Gabby – and when they meet up with Christian he tells them he’s disappointed hearing reports of bullying and lack of support. “Where’s the bastardisation?” he demands. He storms off in disgust and hands the teams off to Dr Tim the psychologist…. where immediately the contestants all offer to camera they don’t want him inside their head. Group therapy seems to be going OK, though Darryn thinks the 15 other lunatics around him need the help more than he does. Hands up who has the radically over-compensating hair colouring???

Dr Tim offers the group a chance at their first breakthrough experience – swim in a billabong with crocodiles. Anxieties instantly rise, though Ben hits the nail on the head by saying he’s more concerned about taking his shirt off on national TV than he is about swimming with crocs. One by one all of the contestants wade into the water and have a paddle. Nathan was worried but Christine helped talk him through it, as opposed to Darryn who talked about Lisa just diving in (though to his credit he was complimentary of her taking the bull by the horns).

K-Fed comes back FROM HOSPITAL(!) and rejoins the contestants as they sit in a picture postcard spot. Dr Tim invites them all to put one special item in a suitcase as a manifestation of them shedding some of their personal excess baggage. Ice cream scoop, pizza box, clock, iPad & phones, supportive underwear, C-PAP mask, scales, a yo-yo – all symbols of what has been holding each individual back. What could have been a corny moment was quite touching. Time to say goodbye to the Kimberley as next week we’re all off to the Whitsundays!

The Biggest Loser AustraliaMon-Thu 7pm, Ch10.

Shane offers a new yoga position: the munted ewe

After James winning the temptation challenge last night, he was left with a dilemma: Take the $30,000 gold bar and walk off into the sunset (with the money deducted from the overall prize money), or reject it and receive immunity at the next elimination. In a twist no one but everyone saw coming he had to carry the gold bar in a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist until weigh in when he had to give Hayley his decision.

Shannan walks in disappointed and he doesn’t like the look of the briefcase because “he’s seen it all before” in his time as a black market human organ courier, but nobody dares bring that up in front of him. Shannan acts as peacemaker after stirring the pot with the Blue team. He’s so unpredictable! Shannan tells us that Luke needs to learn to control his anger so he takes him boxing. James is worried about the real world and is bills; Shannan reminds him that he’s living in a box and that doesn’t require $30,000 worth of rent (but that he’ll support him whatever he does as long as it’s what Shannan wants).

Over at the Red team Michelle is getting into Lisa for eating 70 calories during temptation in the hope she’d win. 70 calories, so the entire Red team has to pay for the decision. SEVENTY BLOODY CALORIES. Note to self: Don’t borrow money from Bridges. Each of the Black team have an injury, so the Commando chooses to take them over to the MasterChef kitchen and show them how to make lunch.
“Step one: Open fridge.”
“Step two: find everything green and put it on your plate.”
“Step three: add tears as dressing and consume.”

Today’s challenge has teams having to chase and pen sheep. “I’m not the most patient person in the world,” grunts Shane, who has managed to sit in the one place for 25 minutes while the crew get the lighting right for his piece to camera. Each team has to pen 7 sheep, though if after 20 minutes no one has secured the required amount the team with the most sheep in the pen wins. Winners take a 2kg advantage into this week’s weigh in. The Blue team look like obese Smurfs, especially Hamish, standing in the rain in their blue tracksuits under white umbrellas.

The Red team beat the White team, and the Black team beat the Blue team – all of it taking place in pouring rain. Mmm, wet sheep smell. Shane seemed to lose what was left of his mind during the process. The Red team started their face off with the Black team in the final with a hug though it was probably for body warmth. We’ll find out next week who won, as well as why Trainer Michelle has a dummy spit at Brenda and the Red team, and WWJD (what will James do?).

My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7

Hang on... you don't serve lamb with coulis...

Tonight, in a My Kitchen Rules first, it’s no longer state vs state – it’s state vs unofficial state. Team UnZud Simon & Meg are excited to be involved in the competition though I can’t really tell what they’re staying with their foreign accents.

We see them say goodbye to some children in school uniform, mumble something about “prude”, and then they start shopping for the first dish on their menu – scallops. Justine reminds us she knows Kiwi food (presumably vegetation and bugs and worms, as that little bird has one hell of a beak), and Princess Jen reminds us that: “New Zealand is a little bit behind to Australia, to be honest.” That’s our next diplomat right there, people.

Team UnZud track down some New Zealand lamb – insert your own joke here – when Pete mentions the lamb has to be pink or it’s game over. After he puts his Nintendo DS down he then says that the lamb has to be pink or it’s game over. Team UnZud grab a native New Zealand pavlova in a virgin state jokingly, then it’s into the kitchen for Meg to start making mini pavs. Who owns the pav? “I don’t care as long as I get fed a good one,” notes Peter. A dark, menacing shadow loomed behind him and we hear the sound of soap being dropped at his feet. Pavs in the oven, to come out before everyone arrives.

Meg then starts to make the pastry creme that will partner with the pav. See, there’s your first mistake, because Manu offers “French blah blah french custard.” Why do they persist in getting him to do pieces to camera? Meg checks the oven and now it isn’t working properly. These pavs are looking less and less likely of being a success. Fan oven, element heating, sauna – no one knows how this oven works. RTFM. As best I can tell Team UnZud is worried about their pavlovas as we keep seeing shots of them and they mumble something about “puvloavas”.

The other guests arrive at the Team UnZud instant restaurant to be welcomed by some Maoris claiming land rights on the lower part of the east coast of Australia. Princess Jen tosses her purse at them and scurries away shouting “take what you want just leave the dog for me”. Thomas and Carla get bitchy about the toy Kiwis on the table, when Team UnZud welcome everyone and announce the name of their instant restaurant – “Kiwi Kutchun”. Not sure I’m making the theme connection.

The first batch of lemon burre blanc goes down the sink, and it’s because the “butta usn’t chulled unuff.” It’s really stressing Meg out; she’s starting to doubt herself. Who could save her? BING BONG – Pete and Manu are here! “I’m goode” offers Meg. Lying cow. Scott notes when presented with the menu that Kiwis give their lambs a little extra attention… what a joker. Angela is amazed: “It’s LUDICROUS that they’ve put pavlova on their menu – you’ll start a war!”. Clearly she forgets the great trans-tasman pavlova war of 1983 when the Australian Navy convincingly defeated the Kiwis in Auckland harbour just by turning up.

Simon and Meg start plating entree and Meg’s hands are shaking. Serving the scallops roe on will be controversial enough without Meg’s sudden early on-set Parkinson’s. Princess Jen was so disappointed with everything – where’s the gold leaf? Where’s the pearl? Where’s her purse? As Pete and Manu taste the entree, Manu gives Team UnZud a sly look while Pete says the entree is faultless, except the sauce was a little bit claggy, clearly showing his misunderstanding of the meaning of the word “faultless”.
“Where’s the ginger?” asks Thomas.
“Where’s the cheese?” asks Peter Russell-Clarke.
“Where’s my purse?” demands Princess Jen.

Simon’s feeling deflated because the pavlovas haven’t remained inflated. Then he can’t sear the lamb properly. Then Pete arrives to cause them to question everything, like “where’s the fat?” Thomas notes “If they can’t slam the lamb this is a fail”. Hipster douche. Ingredients are all a flurry as there are more concerns over the lamb racks not being cooked properly due to the oven not working. When the cut the lamb they notice it’s bleeding in spots and baa-ing in others. Blood on the plates is never a good look unless that blood belongs to a now decapitated Princess Jen.

As the lamb is presented to the guests they all notice the blood congealing on the plates. Manu (through an interpreter) tells Team UnZud: “Yum, I love New Zealand lamb.” Pete notes the lamb hasn’t been rested long enough and that’s why it looks like it’s been freshly murdered. Still tasted OK, but the puree let them down and they didn’t give anyone anything from their chully bun. Simon looks longingly at the failed pavs while the guests dig into main course. Varying results across the board – some happy, some unhappy, Angela impossible to please and ranting about something but no one takes any notice.

Everyone’s a-buzz at pavlova for dessert, though they start discussing their favourite skin colour when it comes to servants: “I like mine white.” “Mine have to have a tinge of brown… but just a tinge.” Nothing has worked in the kitchen – the pavs, the pastry creme, the quickie Simon and Meg tried to have in between main and dessert. “It twus the first time I fult a separation between New Zulland and Orstralia in thus competution,” said Meg. Poor Meg. Poor, differently abled Meg. There is a Santa Claus, and if you ask him he might bring you a better accent for Christmas, Meg. It’s all disappointment while eating dessert. Princess Jen notes “poor thing” while smiling like the Cheshire Cat; Carla wouldn’t feed it to her cat, but then her cat moved out years ago.

The teams meet in a pre-determined mode to discuss and score the meal, and again it’s all over the place. Two 4’s, a 5, a 6 and a 7 – total score 26/50. Pete and Manu scored:
P Entree – 8; M Entree – 8
P Main – 6; M Main – 5
P Dessert – 2; M Dessert – 3
Overall score: 58/110
If Simon and Meg were gutted after hearing their competitor scores, they were mortified with their overall score. They felt their main deserved more attention – after all, it was only a little of blood on the plates. Next time everyone’s off to Townsville for David and Scott’s instant restaurant… if they can find it with all those camouflage nets.