The Block All Stars – Sun-Fri 7pm, Ch9
http://homes.ninemsn.com.au/theblock/
Welcome back to The Block: All Stars! The show that will decide who is a Home Renovation All Star and who is a current The Block contestant.

As we dive in to today’s action, the teams are rushing to get their kitchens and laundries done for this week’s big room reveal.

Scott tells us, in voiceover, “Yesterday was a challenge day, so the contestants were off site. Without them around, it was one of the most productive days on The Block ever.” This is the most passive-aggressive that Scott has been towards the contestants so far, and is a worrying indicator that he’s getting fed up with all of their bull (I know how you feel, Scott).

The only team who are disappointed with the progress of their house is Duncan and Dale. Duncan is still feeling the effects of Mark having a heart attack and Keith shutting their site down; I have listed those two things in descending order of importance, but Duncan behaves otherwise.

Down the block, Dan and Dani are meeting in their house with real estate mogul John McGrath. John is wandering through their half-finished house and giving them advice, and he suggests that they find a piece of art to fill an empty wall. Dani tells us, “We don’t have the money to afford great artwork,” apparently having not heard of my patented method of creating great modern artwork (it involves punching holes in the bottoms of paint cans, shoving your hands and feet through them, then flipping off the lids and doing the Harlem Shake dance).

Scott, via voiceover, stresses the importance of the kitchen. “Any real estate agent will tell you, the kitchen is one of the home’s biggest selling points,” he explains, forgetting some key things like odour, proximity to skate parks, and level of hauntedness.

We then check in with Keith (the site foreman), who is worried about Dan and Dani’s laundry, as they have used the wrong plaster (apparently the regular plaster will be damaged by the steam from a clothes dryer). There’s a similar situation in the kitchen, which results in Dan being disappointed in their builder Phil. They COULD just build the walls out of a whole lot of Lego, which – my rigorous testing as a child proved – is nearly indestructible.

The conflict between Dan (The Block contestant) and Phil (actual tradie) comes to a head, and I wonder whether it’s a great idea for the former to be ignoring the expertise of the latter. Phil has a very impressive tradie’s moustache, so I think that it would be foolish not to take him seriously.

After a commercial break’s worth of thinking time, Dan and Dani decide to fire Phil, if he can’t agree to finish the floors while other people work around him. Phil just keeps saying the word “communication”, possibly believing that just saying the word over and over constitutes good communication.

At House 2 (Duncan and Dale’s), the floor is going in, and Duncan is very happy. Floors are very important; without a floor, you have to flip a house upside-down and walk on the ceiling, and hide in the pantry when it starts to rain.*

*As you can tell, I know a lot about home-building.

Back at Dan and Dani’s, Dan and Phil work out an arrangement that will allow them to keep working tomorrow. It all falls apart in moments though, because Dani is not around, so Dan needs to argue with someone else. Otherwise, what is he even doing here?

At House 3 (Josh and Jenna’s), their marble benchtop has arrived. They won it in a giant game of marbles that saw them using another, smaller benchtop to knock their opponents’ benchtop out of the circle, allowing them to keep everything.

Dani, meanwhile, is researching Aboriginal art online, as is traditional. After, she and Dan head to John McGrath’s house for dinner, which has them both very excited. John sends a convertible Rolls Royce to get them, and I start to wonder exactly what John has planned for the young couple. Whatever you do, guys, do NOT put your keys into the bowl.

John’s house, as it turns out, is very nice. He shows them lots of nice furniture and artworks, but fails to show them the secret button that makes the kitchen countertop turn around and reveal a sexy seventies-style bar, complete with auto-playing soft jazz and mood lighting.

The next morning, Duncan’s hand-picked cowhide splashback arrives. It’s basically a huge strip of cowhide, complete with spots, taking up an entire wall. Duncan is a mad genius. This confirms it.

At House 4 (Dan and Dani’s), there’s more yelling and arguing as people try to work over each other. Dan and Phil have a swearing match that consists of beeping loudly and then saying the word “off” at each other. I don’t know how they’re making those beeping noises, but it certainly has quite the impact.

Phil walks off the site, and Dan is screwed. Phil tells Dani that he needs an apology, which Dan then gives. We don’t see whether or not Dani prompted Dan to give it, but I certainly wouldn’t be surprised. They decide to put it all behind them and get together later for a beer, and the greatest bromance in Australian television history is born.

Down the road, Mark pops into House 4 to visit Duncan. Everybody is happy to see him – except possibly for Dale, who may be worried that he’ll be booted if Mark is healthy again. But Mark’s doctor has forbidden Mark from coming back to The Block at all, so Dale can safely put down the knife.

With all the contestants gathered, Scott shows up to announce the results of the power consumption challenge. We’re reminded that Dan and Dani siphoned power from Josh and Jenna to leave their power consumption at zero, so that they might win the challenge and remove a point from one of the other teams. It’s all very sneaky.

But they win, which just demonstrates that victory is more important than playing fair. An important lesson for the kids at home.

Dan Hall is a frequent TV watcher and occasional TV recapper. You can read more of his TV-related writing at www.the-flack.com, and find him on twitter at @danieljohnhall