The Block All Stars – Sun 6:30pm; Mon-Thu 7pm, Ch9
It’s the night after room reveal, where Dan’n’Dani used their ill-gotten no-power power to remove a point from Phil and Amity’s scores. Their near-perfect score of 29 ½ would have equalled Josh and Jenna in first place; thanks to Dan’n’Dani, they instead lost by a point. Josh and Jenna took home the $10, 000, slipping half of it in unmarked bills into a suitcase and throwing it over the fence to Dan’n’Dani. Amity was of course gutted and for the first time all week, it dawned on everyone that D&D&J&J may have come to some kind of arrangement. Finally.
Last night D&D&J&J continued their intensely annoying habit of refusing to discuss the most contentious issues on camera. For one thing, it disturbs your engagement with this mad, renovation themed parallel universe. But it is also infuriating to watch these people openly gripe about a setting that they signed on for. Yesterday we saw Dani waving off the camera like she was a dodgy builder being pursued by some parasitic current affairs show, instead of what she actually is: a contestant on a reality show. Before you all scream PRIVACY! at me, please also note that it wasn’t a personal moment but rather a discussion relating to the weekly challenge, room reveal and scoring. Bottom line, if you think you’re above the format, don’t go on the show.
Right, I’ve been ranting instead of watching. Aaaaaaaand rewind.
Phil and Am are not going to let this go. They’ve guessed correctly what’s happened and are all cranky than Dan’n’Dani may have scored $5000 that would otherwise have been theirs. Dunc and
Dale have also figured it out but they don’t really care.
Now it’s time to look at each others’ rooms and dump all over them. Literally.
JOSH AND JENNA (winners!)
Phil and Am think: Beautiful kitchen. Giant marble bench way too big. Marble also wasted in a laundry. They also notice that the laundry is not a bathroom. Geniuses.
Dan’n’Dani think: Various ‘friend crush’ comments. “Redonks. They’re so good.”
Dunc and Dale think: Inside garden means inside bugs. Plants possibly poisonous? Oven too low.
DALE AND DUNC (no laundry after horrible week!)
Phil and Am think: Clever table. The kitchen is nuts but it works.
Dan’n’Dani think: “Wow. It really is wow, don’t you think?”
Josh and Jenna think: Clever stove/fishtank. They think the buyers will love.
PHIL AND AMITY (many, many rooms!)
Dunc and Dale think: Nice, big kitchen. Laundry nice. Duncan does the limbo on the mezzanine floor.
Dan’n’Dani think: Unimpressed silence. Kitchen not well finished. Study nice but will get hot in summer. Holes in ceiling.
Josh and Jenna think: Stairs blocking the view of outside. The house now feels like a small, outdated rabbit warren. Awful floors in a plain white kitchen. Hate the lights. All the fittings are boring – can’t love, can’t hate them. Bathroom wall need tiling. The whole house is plain, boring and safe.
Jenna then says that everyone is on the show for different reasons, and hers is to showcase her design skills, not sell the house. They immediately show a clip from last week where she was saying that someone needs to tell the judges it’s not a design competition, it’s about selling houses. Lol.
DAN AND DANI (pretty blue artwork!)
Dunc and Dale think: Polished concrete floor looks great. (It so doesn’t. Why do people like it? Vom.) Duncan hates the fridge door attached to the cupboard door.
We will never know the rest because Jenna has run into Phil and Amity and told them what went down with the power challenge. She is fairly calm, and tries to represent the situation as being strategic and not malicious. Phil and Amity are still annoyed that Dan’n’Dani won $5000 for coming third. It sucks but you know, it’s reality TV, not reality. They’re claiming that they would NEVER have done something so morally bankrupt and maybe they’re right but AGAIN, it’s reality TV. Russell Hanz had his hat burned on day 39, Lisa wet her nappy on a photo shoot, Mark Philippoussis had to date a string of cougars, Larissa got dumped when that dude found out her ex was Fabio, the secret boss was a chimp in a tuxedo, Miriam turned out to be a man – as far as reality television misfortunes go, this is a minor one. (Yes, all of the above happened. Yes, I watched them all. Yes, shut up.)
It’s the next morning of a week yet to be given a stupid name. Everyone is doing the living room and outdoors, and Dunc and Dale are also finishing their laundry. Everyone is still talking about the challenge scandal. No one feels differently though, so I’m not going to bother reiterating. We learn that Amity told Jenna that she and Phil went $10 000 in debt to finish their room and that’s why she’s annoyed. If that’s true, it’s a very dangerous strategy on their part. Surely they saw this coming. Everyone knew Dan’n’Dani were winning and would have a point up their sleeve come room reveal, and as if they were going to take points off their besties or the guys who weren’t going to finish.
We’re half an hour in, so most of you switched over to MKR right about now to watch the Tassie boys battle it out with the Cupcakes. What was up with Jenna’s sago, guys? Am I right?
Amity is doing her budget and bemoaning her lack of thousands of dollars. Phil is complaining that not only did the power scam rob them of the monies, it sends a bad message to Australia. The reason they all did the challenge was to conserve energy, which is an important message to the socio-ecological conscience of the Australian community. Everyone just pause for a sec to remember Phil and Amity pretty much refusing to be competitive in the power challenge because Phil wanted to keep his beer fridge plugged in. You know, the one with the LED lights? Yeah.
You get up on your high horse, Philly.
Josh, Phil and Dan are all talking about it again. Josh and Dan point out that Phil and Am’s house is a three bedroom, two bathroom which is almost guaranteed to score a lot more on auction day. Josh explains the concept of success drawing a target on your back. They also point out that in their seasons, they both had money taken from them. Phil points out that Dan would have been heaps angrier than he is.
Is someone going to renovate something?
The girls pretty much all start saying the same things as the boys and Scott-the-voice-over jovially points out that while the boys are over it, the girls aren’t so quick to move on. Of course not, because men do the honest thing and deal with things immediately, while girls are erratic shrews who can’t ever let anything go, right Scotty? Maybe the boys could just punch each other in the face, like men, and then all drink a beer? The girls all calm themselves down by baking the boys some pies and trying on shoes.
Seriously. Wallpaper something.
Someone has given Phil a small tractor machine that he is bunny hopping, to the delighted laughter of the other men. I can’t believe Amity hasn’t come out to scold him fondly yet.
Dunc and Dale are planning the backyard. POND.
Josh and Jenna are gas-heater-shopping. They pick one.
Phil is back on the hopping tractor. He breaks Dan and Dani’s letterbox. Dan laughs it off, because he feels guilty. Phil says that there’s more to come and starts looking for a horse’s head to leave in their bed.
Phil and Amity are budgeting on their Macs. They’re exactly $5000 over budget, which is extra convenient for continuing whining about the challenge. Kill me now.
Dale is shopping at some unidentifiable hardware store. He’s buying some timber.
Amity and Phil have to do some “unshopping” and return some of the things they’ve bought, like tiles and some ugly lights. Phil puts an ugly light on his head and mimes ‘Whip It’, because he is everybody’s uncle. Amity scolds him fondly. Phil decides to sell some doors. He reckons that at $100 each, he can sell five doors for $600. Amity is cranky about taking lights back and snipes about having to pay tradies and Josh and Jenna’s extravagant marble laundry bench.
BUT IT’S CHALLENGE TIME!
Everyone goes to a pool in Bondi – is that where they film this? Scott is going to give everyone the chance to open up a safe. Amity is not getting in the water, for any money at all. A hulking swimmer man pulls himself out of the pool and says the word ‘Swisse’ in about two seconds. Everyone is thrilled to learn that they will be racing on inflatable toys. (Not really thrilled). Amity is still refusing to get into the water to participate. Gee, she clearly cares a lot about paying her tradies. Scott tells them he chose them all some bathers and to go get changed. They do, come back, line up. On your marks – get set – go! Everyone is blowing up toys with very little effect. Duncan’s got his first and dives in. Dan follows in a few minutes, followed by Phil on a giant inflatable platypus. Dani’s in next, followed by Dale. Josh finally gets in with a giant clownfish, as Dale finishes his lap. Amity’s decided to get in the pool after all, which is a big not surprise. So glad she wasted our time with her cutesy reticence.
Duncan and Dale win easily, which is cool because they’re lovable. They win the combination to Josh and Jenna’s safe and they’re stoked.
MARK IS VISITING! He brought lunch and Duncan is happy. The mates have a chat. Mark explains that his blood pressure and pulse was through the roof and the doctors still aren’t sure what happened, but they’re running tests. He’s finding it hard to sit at home and not finish the job. Although grateful to Dale for stepping in, Mark is sorry not to see it through as Mark and Duncan. His moustache is melancholy today, and it’s nice to know from real-time that he’s fit and well.
Over at Phil and Amity’s, the roofers are continuing with that thing where they stomp holes through people’s ceilings. Amity and Phil go shouting for Keith to have a go for them. Keith is angry and will make sure that they don’t wear the cost. Amity is still frustrated and as someone who doesn’t have holes in her roof, I say fair enough.
Tomorrow night: Josh and Jenna run out of money, Dale and Duncan get something good and Phil wreaks bucks-party style revenge on Dan by making him parade around Bondi in colourful undies and a toolbelt. Hilare.