Heads up you guys, there will be dad-joke quality golf puns in this post. You’re welcome.
Gina and Janet are meeting at “Niche on Bridge” (adds to itinerary for research visit to Melbourne). Two things – Gina should wear more watermelon and less lime. And Janet looks disarmingly good in a black pencil frock (with a pop of colour) and jacket. Apart from the earrings from Diva. Also it’s a shame the frock doesn’t cover the tramp stamp.
They’re having a debrief about the goings on Chaddy last week. Janet is bemused about why Gamble is so pissed off with her, and for something different blames the whole dust-up on Chyka. She claims she never would have brought up the sex parties, stripper stuff etc etc if Chyka hadn’t brought it up. Which is good of her
Gina calls bullshit. Because BULLSHIT. Gina’s cross-examination of Janet is GOLD, and Janet is sweating bullets. Janet bangs on about how she “didn’t want to go there” with the rumours, and Gina looks at her like she’s mental and says “so why did you?” Hah!
Janet reckons she’s been ambushed by Gina – instead of getting the playful lunch she was expecting (I don’t know what that means – crayons & lego, doing each other’s nails?) she was interrogated by Gina, and she’s mightily put out by it. As near as I can tell, because #botox.
Apparently Janet calls bullshit on Gina’s new friendship with Gamble (I kind of do too), and that she’s just using it as a vehicle to get at Janet. So she swings her Diva earrings and storms out. But not before BUTCHERING the greatest line from last season – Gina’s parting words to Andrea (now busy creating checklists fulltime): “good luck with your deck of cards, because that’s all you’ve got – is a deck of cards that are about to fall”. Honestly Janet, if you’re going to recreate a glorious TV moment, YOUTUBE IS YOUR FRIEND!
Anyway, IT’S BRUCE! Hai Bruce! It’s been too long! He’s convened a meeting in the lush Big Group boardroom and Chyka is late. I mean, no wonder she’s late – she’s having to pull together today’s look without Bruce, because he’s all “OMG the Qataris have called and I have to go to Doha”. Inconsiderate.
Turns out Chyka actually got held up shopping in Chapel Street but tells a big ol’ fib about not being able to find a carpark (hello, isn’t she the boss? If she hasn’t negotiated her own parking space, she’s a bit crap at being the boss). Bruce sees right through her, because he probably signed off on her parking space, because as long as she was in Chapel Street and not Bunnings, he’s good with it.
He breaks the news to Chyka that he has to go to Qatar for a not-quite-royal wedding, and Chyka remembers that Jackie had predicted Bruce was about to go on plane. Spooky.
Bruce pulls out some paint swatches (of course he does) for the Lexus marquee at the Melbourne Cup, but he’s bothered by the ombre scheme in front of them. Who wouldn’t be? Ombre is so 2014. Thank God Bruce is on the job.
Next on the agenda is the collaboration between Collingwood (the footy team, not the suburb) and The Big Group. Hoorah! Special Guest Appearance by Eddie McGuire! How good is this season – first Warnie, and now Eddie.
Chyka and Bruce are ROCKING the high-viz and hard hats for a site visit at Olympic Park. Bruce looks like one of the Village People. I’m a bit disappointed that Chyka’s hard hat isn’t more glamorous. Surely Bruce could have whipped out the hot-glue gun and some sequins. Obviously you can’t mess around with the high-viz jacket, because #safety, but the hard hat is literally a blank canvas. Ooh, I have Chyka’s sunnies, except mine are tortoiseshell.
In comes Eddie, and hh God, he’s done up the velcro on his high-viz jacket. How embarrassing. It’s the high-viz version of wearing your pants too high.
Eddie want to call the Event space The McGuire Centre. Oh how they laughed. Except Eddie, because he’s serious.
Back in the city Janet and Jackie are hitting the Emporium (*adds to itinerary*) where Janet is loving herself sick in a Versace jacket the colour of actual sick. Jackie is wearing a midriff-baring tweed number. Could be worse. Could be Janet wearing a midriff-baring tweed number.
They’re shopping for golf clothes at Brooks Brothers (fancy). Jackie inexplicably says “I feel like I’m going to boarding school here darling”. She doesn’t embrace the preppy look (wait, I just got the boarding school thing) and she wants to look “fabulous, comfortable and shining”. Mmmkay.
Jackie is interested in wearing short shorts (Daisy Dukes probably, or maybe the bloomers she wore to the Bitchy Witchy party). Janet explains that long shorts and socks are more par for the course. Sorry.
Jackie is teed off (I warned you) about the prospect of wearing long socks, but is ok with the cashmere jumper, especially when the young Brooks Brothers dude tells her she’d rock it with a pair of shorts.
Can we just focus on Jackie’s boobs again for a hot minute? Is the tweed making them look even more bodacious than usual. No wonder the young Brooks Brothers dude was sucking up to her.
Jackie asks Janet who will be playing golf, and Janet has to have a bit of a sit down because of the stress of it all. She hasn’t heard whether Gamble is coming, then she GOES THE BLUB about Gina going all lawyer-y on her arse, so the golf day is going to hell in a handbasket.
Jackie buys Janet’s story, because she’s sweet but dumb. Jackie thinks it was terribly mean girl of Gina to “attack” Janet (the word “attack” is the “journey” of the Real Housewives, imho), and vows to set the angels onto her. BTW, Jackie, get ya roots done.
Meanwhile, Gina has caved to accepted her fabulosity and is having some publicity shots done (much like I just had done for this blog, but with more diamonds, obvs). Her good friend Maurice is a photographer who has agreed to do the shoot. Good on him. He jokes about her getting her gear off, so ta for that Maurice. Apparently Maurice has done plenty of Playboy shoots in his time, so he knows how to “capture the essence of a woman”. But despite Maurice’s best efforts, Gina’s essence remained clothed. Thank Gawd.
Maurice’s car collection is conveniently located in his studio, and he wants Gina to drape herself over a Torana. (There was no Torana in my photo shoot.) Gina is understandably mortified but Maurice won’t let her near his Mercedes. This part of the shoot is disturbing in the extreme – Gina looks totes uncomfy, which I’m pretty sure is because the red of the car doesn’t match her red dress and it hurts my eyes. Also because #Torana.
Next up, it’s date night for Jackie & Ben. Ben’s washed his hair, so that’s good. They’re having dinner at Club 74 (*adds to itinerary*) with Chyka & Bruce. Jackie is totally winning in a colour block frock that I’d say was a Victoria Beckham, except that Jackie is wearing it. Turns out Club 74 is a pop-up whisky bar run by Bruce & Chkya. OK, that is so cool it hurts. Could Melbs just slow down a bit please? Here in Brisbane we’ve only just caught on to laneway restaurants. THE PRESSURE!
Jackie needs to get to the bottom of the Janet vs Gamble sitch, and specifically what Chkya said or didn’t say. Good. Chyka looks as though nothing good can come of this convo.
To lighten the mood, Chyka tells Jackie that the angels were ON THE MONEY when they said either she or Bruce would be going overseas, and Jackie is all “derr”.
Bruce turns up, hugs Chyka and then gives Ben a very manly bearhug.
Dinner is served, starting with a shared charcuterie, which looks freaking DIVINE. I could live on charcuterie, preferably not shared.
Bruce kicks off the discussion about the ladies, and Jackie begins by saying that Gina had asked Janet for a “caf-air” with her. “A WHAT?” asks every person on screen, and every person in Australia/worldwide watching the show. “A caf-air you guys! A coffee”. Don’t be getting all fancy Jackie.
Jackie lets Chyka have Janet’s version of events (i.e. Chyka did all the mud-slinging about Gamble) and that Janet is getting all the blame for stuff that “youse both brought up”. First “youse” of the season, no?
Chyka admits that she did bring up the rumours about Gamble (because she’s a stand-up chick), but that she’d only brought up what she’d read in the tabloids (about the car and her ex) . Umm, I love you Chyka, but you kind of* said that it wasn’t about the car. *did
Anyhooo, Chyka goes on to tell the table about how Janet picked up the story and took it in a WHOLE ‘nother direction – more, worse and from different people. Because Janet’s a mole. Ben and Bruce just want to get drunk on their La Mascara.
Chyka wants to know how Jackie would feel if someone suggested that she’d been a stripper, to which Jackie replied “I’d be like fuck yeah!”. And in his head Ben was like “fuck yeah!”.
Jackie reckons Gamble should wear the stripper thing like a badge of honour, whether she was or wasn’t, because at least she’d know how to “give it”. Eww.
Jackie recounted the story about Janet flirting with Wolfie, but that she (Jackie) had lost her shit and laughed at her. (The phrase “lost my shit” isn’t used nearly enough these days, IMO.) Because, as Jackie points out, Janet likes 30 year old guys. Eww again.
Chyka questions whether Janet is really that flirtacious, saying that she’s generally respectful of other people’s partners. Either that, or Bruce doesn’t turn her on. I CAN’T EVEN…. THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH HERE TO WORK WITH.
Bruce asks who is going to golf – sorry, but haven’t we DONE THIS QUESTION TO DEATH??? But for those who weren’t paying attention, it’ll be Jackie, Chyka, Janet (because she’s the one who’s invited us. Ta Chyka), Gamble and Gina. Lydia and Pettifleur are both away. I think Lydia’s back in the homeland for her son’s wedding and I couldn’t give a shit where Pettifleur is.
Bruce, of course, is worried about what Chyka is wearing. Ben asks if she’s wearing puffy pants (no, that’d be your missus Ben #bloomers). But no, Chyka is going preppy with a modern twist.
Jackie is planning to wear Converse shoes, big hair, a polo top and some red shorts. Good thing the nice boy from Brooks Brothers isn’t there, or he’d have had an aneurism.
Golf day is here. Thank fuck, I thought it’d never arrive. Jackie & Janet are going to Moonah Links Golf Club (*does not add to iterary because boring*) by helicopter. Janet is wearing some activity-appropriate stilettos, and carting a golf bag, which looks ridiculous. Jackie is true to her Connie/polo/shorts word. Gold star for you Jacks.
Hold everything! I’ve just seen what Gamble is wearing and it’s a gift that actually deserves a post on its own. Her legs are encased in which I presume are knee-socks, but which actually look like light blue plaster with the cotton wool poking out the top. Honestly, just looking at them makes me want to stick a chopstick down them to scratch her ankle.
White shorts, which have no place outside the Men’s Singles Finals at Wimbledon, a Laura Ashley print polo (*gags*), a short trench coat and a fuzzy (possibly mohair) white beanie/cap. Spectacular. Not in a good way.
As opposed to Chyka, who has managed to do the impossible and make cropped white pants look stylish (and dimple free – how even does she do that??). She’s paired it with a light blue cable knit jumper, DIVINE navy blazer and blue scarf. Celine handbag-of-the-moment completes the understated yet elegant picture. Gamble, for the love of God, please take note.
Chyka wants to smooth things out with Gamble, so she apologises profusely for bringing up the rumours. You can totally feel her pain. Gamble brushes away either a tear or a fly.
Gamble is grateful, but reckons Janet is the real bitchface mole in the scenario. Which she is, obvs. Gamble tells Chyka about the goings on at Chaddy, although she doesn’t specifically mention the “fucking for heroin”, which is a shame, because how good would Chyka’s reaction have been??
Gamble defends herself over the stripping/pole-dancing stuff (yawn) but then OUT OF NOWHERE tells Chyka that she *has* sat for “figurative artworks”, or nude paintings. Oil-based. Because that’s relevant. Fucking hell she’s dense.
Incoming helicopter! Jackie & Janet have arrived and have transferred to a golf buggy. Janet has changed into sensible shoes so that’s a relief.
Gina arrives in a strappy pink, lacy frock *carrying* her golf shoes, because #ugly. She has a telly appearance this arvo so she’s all about efficiency.
She looks at Gamble like she’s a toddler.
Janet and Jackie come barrelling up the fairway in the golf buggy and Jackie is rethinking the red shorts, because it’s freaking freezing down there on the Mornington Peninsula.
Gina heads to the changeroom to change into her golf shoes, but she’s on tippy-toes because evidently he feet don’t work in flats. Bless
A quick chug of champagne (important before DRIVING OMG) and the ladies pile into golf buggies. In a surprise to approximately no-one, Gamble is scared of golf buggies. Chyka and Gina are in a buggy together, and Chyka is resisting the urge to smack Gina in the back of the head for backseat driving from the front seat.
Janet gives a brief golfing tutorial, and then in the spirit of “she who can’t do, teaches”, completely fucks up her shot. Couldn’t have been scripted better.
Gina’s turn, and the angels tell Jackie to stand well back, because Gina is going to lose her “stick”. Which of course she does, because #ANGELS.
Chyka manages to connect with the ball, but only just, which doesn’t matter because she LOOKS awesome.
Gamble claims that her handicap in golf is her wardrobe. Seriously, where did they find her? Her poor little plastered legs look freezing. She’s always wanted to get a hole in one, but doesn’t think she’ll get it in golf. Make her go away please.
Jackie plays golf like I do starjumps. This is how I do star jumps https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrdH482qEUc.
The friction between Janet and Gamble was still driving a wedge between them (sorry not sorry) so Chyka convenes a chat to discuss the elephant in the room. Or on the green.
Jackie goes to bat for Janet over her interrogation by Gina, but she’s totally not getting involved. Except for now. Janet wants to know why Gina is involved at all and Gamble chimes in that she needs a lawyer, which takes things to a whole new level. Janet is shitting herself about the possibility that Gina is representing Gamble, which Gina denies. Still, Gamble uses the word “allegation”, which is a big word for her – so shit has clearly gotten real. Janet says they weren’t allegations, they were rumours. So there.
Janet maintains that she only told Gamble about the rumours because Gamble asked to know, which is actually true. Then Gamble spits out “well you started it”, because she’s 7 years old.
Chyka pulls everyone into line – again – by reminding the ladeez that it was she who had brought up the gossip, and Janet had added to it.
Janet calls Chyka “the big wacker” (I know, I have no idea) that started the whole thing, and she doesn’t know why she has finished up being the bad guy. Um, BECAUSE YOU’RE THE BAD GUY JANET!
There’s a full 5 minutes that reminds me of a family dinner at my parents’ place – everyone talking at each other, arms waving around, Dad shouting “pass the gravy”… wait, not that last one.
But the upshot (of the ladies’ convo, not dinner at my parents’) is that if anyone hears anything about anyone else, they just won’t say anything.
So that’s the end of the series, bye.
No, just kidding, how boring would that be? There’s an uncomfy hug between Janet and Gamble, and they head off to the clubhouse for a bevvy. Chyka invites everyone to a dinner that she and Bruce are hosting, which will include “significant others”. Gamble asks “and partners” because the words “significant others” are too big for her. Dying to know who Janet will bring – hopefully it’s Patrick the hairdresser, because I’m curious to see if he’ll be wearing an up-do.