If you wanted to keep up with the second season of The Real Housewives of Melbourne there’s no better way to do it than with these weekly recaps from the very, very funny (if slightly deranged) Nic McLachlan. Prepare yourselves – it’s gonna be a massive season. #TeamChyka

The girls on the block - Gamble & Pettifleur

New girls on the block – Gamble & Pettifleur

The Real Housewives of all the Places are my crack. Also the Kardashians. And Vanderpump Rules. Shut up.

So my dopamine levels went sky-high this week when the Real Housewives of Melbourne returned to my telebox.

Is it my favourite of the Housewives? That’s a big call. It’s hard to go past the ladies from Beverly Hills, largely for real estate reasons – I’m looking at you Villa Rosa and Yolanda’s house. Also Yolanda’s fridge, obvs.

But it’s hard to deny that the fact many of us have walked the same streets (not like that!) as the Melbourne housewives gives us a connection that isn’t possible, regrettably, with the Beverly Hills ladeez.

So it was a happy day last Sunday when the time came to lock our eyeballs on the Real Housewives of Melbourne.

Minus Andrea. Thank fuck. Because RHOMelb wouldn’t have been worth watching without Gina who, as we know, wouldn’t have come back if Andrea had graced our screens with her presence. And her checklists.

We kick things off with a reminder (or introduction, for those who are late to the party) of who the Housewives are.

Ohai Lydia. Wow! (See what I did there?). Her body is banging. They’ve clearly cut back on the trips to King Island, because not a lot of cheese has gone into those guts over the past year. And yes, we do think you’re pretentious.

Chyka obviously wins Best in Show for her opening montage wardrobe choice. Frock, coat, statement necklace and handbag – all flawless. *applauds* HOWEVER, is it just me, or did anyone else think it was weird that she talked about how proud she is of her marriage? Well no wonder, because hello – BRUCE IS GAY. Also he probably styled her. Good job Bruce.

Jackie could do with Bruce’s help. There is no excuse for the necklace she was wearing. #Lovisa. It’d be good if Jackie could stop talking about Lydia’s sex life, because eww.

Janet looks like she has an invisible wind-sock attached to the back of her head. Given I’m shopping for a botox provider myself right now, I really shouldn’t be critical, but CHRIST ON A TRIKE JANET, give it a rest with the work. She’s what, 127 years old? Her poor toyboy Carlos is going to get an awful fright if he ever gets to second base.

Speaking of Carlos, Janet was planning to use his “venue” (because “restaurant” is totes pedestrian) for her 128th birthday party, but it’s not going to be ready. It’s a pretty tedious scene until Janet says “FAAAAAAAARK”, which is almost better than when Chyka blurts out “bullshit!” when Lydia says she drinks 8 coffees a day. Anyway, Janet’s elderly mates will get confuzzled if they have to reset their Google Maps to a different “venue”. Also, there’s no way Janet will put out unless you get this sorted. So no pressure Carlos.

Big news! Lydia is going to be a mother-in-law!! Although she prefers to refer to herself as “mother of the groom”. Whatevs. Can you even imagine having Lydia as your monster-in-law?? Actually, I followed the whole thing on Instagram months ago and it was lovely – although Lydia must have been 14 when she had her son.

But now that she’s a grown-up, with a PA and everything, who’s running around Melbs looking for conditioner. I dunno why Jackie is so horrified. When I was a PA, one guy I worked for asked me to shave the back of his neck. *gags* Compared to that, Lydia is boss of the year. OF COURSE I QUIT I’M NOT MENTAL!

How to host a death stare

How to host a death stare

Anyhoo, Janet is off to see her hairdresser Patrick. This guy is a gift from the reality TV gods. His hair is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. For YEARS I tried to create a fringe flick like his. The layers at the front of his lob (long bob – I’m practically a beauty blogger) frame his face perfectly. It’s glorious.

She discusses the catastrophic state of her party planning, and decides to call Gina to invite her. Hurrah! So she does that weird reality TV thing where she makes the call on speaker phone. (I understand why they do it, but I swear if someone did that at a table next to me, they would need to cut that shit out quick smart.) In a happy turn of events, it went to voicemail so she could avoid that awkward talking business. Except that Gina called straight back. HA! EXCELLENT! Gina agrees to come to the party, because she’s a trooper. And because her audience demands it!

Cut to Gina, looking bodacious in red, heading to lunch with her sister Bettina. The jeans one. They have an odd convo about Gina’s boyf Dean, with Gina confirming that they’ve agreed to “be together”. Which is nice.

In breaking news, Carlos has come through with a venue! This storyline would have been a disaster if he hadn’t. Such a relief. So Janet needs to get her skates on and sort out a cake. Because the party is tonight. WTF. Janet’s time management is shithouse. She needs Lydia’s PA.

I reckon Janet’s Cake Dude and Janet’s hairdresser would totally get on. I’m just saying. Cake Dude wants to design something involving glitter and the world. Because Janet is worldly. Sah clever.

Ohai Lydia’s mum. I cannot fathom why you’re there – I could not be less interested in you.

Cut to the limo taking Chyka & Jackie to the party. Jackie is all “look how hot I look!” and Chyka is thinking about what a good job Bruce did on her outfit tonight.

Meanwhile, it’s deadset arctic in Gina & Lydia’s limo. Gina is looking faboosh, and kicks off strongly by telling Lydia she’d heard that she and her husband Andrew had split up. Lydia is horrified, and announces how much she hates gossip. Baahhahahahahaaaha.

They agree to start afresh, and by agree, I mean Gina says the words, but inside is all “oh HELL no.”

Party time, and Janet is feeling loved, so that’s nice. She lets the girls know that a blonde called Gamble (“she’s had that name from birth”) will be turning up.

Cue camera swoop over the Mornington Peninsula to Mt Eliza where we meet Gamble brushing her Pomeranian in her Louboutins. There’s a sentence I never expected to write. She describes Mt Eliza as Toorak by the sea. My grandpa lived in Mt Eliza with his garage door painted as the Croatian flag. Belgrade by the Sea.

She bangs on about her name being used in a Shakespearean play, meaning “to frolic and run free”. Which it would, if it was spelled “gambol. Fucking idiot.

Gamble is an art consultant who works “by appointment” now, which is the technnical term for “unemployed and living off my silver fox eye surgeon boyf.” She and Rick are an e-Harmony success story. Bless. Gamble’s life motto is to calorie-count, she maintains her looks with botox (derr) and will get a facelift at 50 (double derr). This is just speculation, but I reckon Gamble and Andrea would be instant besties. Oh well.

Finally - someone with worse work than Lydia

Finally – someone with worse work than Lydia

Gamble meets all the girls, and immediately develops an appreciation of Chyka’s ample bosom (which is nice for Chyka, you know, because Bruce probs doesn’t) and disses Jackie’s livelihood, which means the angels will be PISSED!

Janet’s son Jake is at the party, which is lovely because he was burnt in a terrible accident and this is his first time out. I’ll leave that one alone, because he seems nice.

Time for Gina’s big entrance. Late, obvs, but marvellous. Janet earns extra bitch points for announcing “the drag queen has entered the building” – as if that’s not going to get back to Gina, which will be excellent.

Pettifleur. If it’s wrong to judge someone on their name, then lock me up and call me Frankie Doyle. I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure I can’t stand her. Nor can her stepkids, clearly. Gina’s reaction when Pettifleur told her she was going commando was all class. While on the inside she was thinking “Skankyfleur”.

Time for the cake, and Cake Dude has come through with a cake that would totally deserve a place in the Women’s Weekly Birthday Cake Book. All it was missing was blue jelly and coloured coconut. It’s a shame we didn’t get to see Janet blow out her 128 candles (while Carlos stood at the side with a fire extinguisher).

The next morning Gina and Gamble hook up for coffee where, big surprise, Gamble tells her about some of the stuff Janet et al were saying. Although where she got the Darth Vader thing I do not know. Gamble is weird. But she gives Gina a present, because she totes knows which team she needs to be on. #TeamGin

Meanwhile, Carlos and his pet pig Crackling (funny) meet up with Janet to review the previous evening. Probs too tired when they woke up that morning. Eww. Disturbingly, we learn that Janet is into chubbs (Google it. Wait. Don’t. Because ewww.)

They kick off Gamble’s character assassination, which seems to me a bit ill-conceived, because surely you’d go for Skankyfleur first? Anyway, things aren’t looking good for Gamble, even with Gina’s protective aura…. Be afraid Gamble…