Excess BaggageMon-Thu 7pm, Ch9.

Ajay reveals her "more artistic" side...

Welcome to the beautiful Whitsundays, where we learn the teams are one sailing trip away from “accidentally” leaving their partner stranded on a reef. Everyone immediately looks at Darryn.

Kate loves swimming, especially when Trainer Christian is the prize. ROWR! Her teammate isn’t so confident. Still, Christian = ROWR! Lana was being drawn to the power of the mo and Dipper was her beacon. Darryn dived in, took off, and realised halfway through that Lisa was in a casting for Titanic 2 as “possible survivor #45”. Kate hit the beach first, but the teams couldn’t take a catamaran until their teammate made it to shore as well. Nathan was proud of making it to the beach second, and K-Fed arrives looking and feeling woozy. SALINE, STAT!

The Yellow, Blue and Orange teams scored a boat, and Gabby made it to the shore to ensure the green team sured up the surity of the final boat onshore. Darryn waded into the waters to assist Lisa as she came in last, but he knows she can do more. “I know she can,” he said as he thumbed through the complete works of Sigmund Freud. A complete skill void when it comes to sailing and the fact the contestants are more ballast than sailors meant it was a tight race, with K-Fed and Renae taking it out just ahead of Nathan and Christine (who have started to learn each other’s languages). Five points and a moment in the sun for the Dancing Queens.

If the teams thought they were off to relax by the pool, dreamboat Christian had other ideas. A beach boxing session played through while Dipper assured us he’s gonna do what he has to do so that he can do what he needs to do to support his daughter when she gets married by walking her down the aisle. Meanwhile in Hell’s Paradise there’s lots of exhausted overweight people. John has trouble doing sit ups because he carries so much weight on his trunk but he noted that “Christian is a good trainer” and he got one out. Dr Tim appears to let the teams know that only a couple of teams will go on the breakthrough experience (scuba diving) tomorrow – Kate and Sarah, and Darryn and Lisa. “Oh my god,” says Kate. “Oh my god,” says Lisa. “Oh my god,” says the executive producer, who knows if they don’t deliver something a little more entertaining they’re screwed.

The best way to tell that you’re remembering something in Excess Baggage is too much lens flare. So right now we must be remembering something A LOT of what we just saw before the break. The breakthrough teams set out for a dive, while some contestants choose to relax and others choose to workout. “John, you’re one of the most determined here – what’s going on,” asks super-fit Christian. “It’s all for my family,” offers a teary John. The contestants are all carrying some serious pressure they’ve loaded on themselves, and not just physically. Out on the reef, Darryn reminds us he’s ‘Full Metal Jacket’ and has done everything, and the girls are frightened over nothing. Then when they get in the water, a little current tuckers poor Mr Papparazzi out. His head is spinning, he’s having a panic attack, and Lisa’s fine – so, yeah – he’s ‘FULL metal jacket’. “I think it was my over-confidence thinking I’d conquered Deep Blue,” smirks Darryn. At that moment, Deep Blue sneaks up behind him and punches him in his man boobs.

Ajay was very surprised to hear that Darryn had a panic attack and didn’t revel in the opportunity to tell us all as quickly as she could. Dr Tim arrives on the beach with the assembled masses to give them all a canvas and painting gear to allow them to paint their worst fear. Darryn thinks it’s all a load of crap; Dipper shows his softer side by noting that it’s his emotions that hold him back. John said Ajay’s painting looked like a Stephen King novel (one of his earlier, lesser known, far less popular works). The whole process is confronting for Nathan as it opens up his fears – of failure, of being judged for his sexuality. “My size protects me,” he offers. There’s nothing funny about that.

All the contestants are gathered and Dr Tim asks them all to share what their paintings mean. Ajay’s represents a broken heart and a broken body. “It’s sad, there wasn’t very much positive being said,” laments Kate. “A lot of you all don’t give yourselves enough credit,” says Dr Tim. Darryn’s comfortable enough with who he is and doesn’t need all this head-shrinking malarky. The contestants are all given the chance to throw their paintings in the fire to help them put their demons behind them. The producers panic as they see a golden opportunity to sell the paintings on eBay go up in smoke and noxious gases.

Next time, it’s all about the endurance challenge and the check up with the judges. More conflict, more panic, more fags & booze, more Excess Baggage.

The Biggest Loser AustraliaMon-Thu 7pm, Ch10.

"I don't care what you say, that briefcase isn't gonna marry you."

Previously, James won temptation, which turned out to be more of a pain in the baaaaarse. Also the Red and Black teams had yet to complete the sheep-herding challenge. It sounds better than was.

Seven sheep stand between success and the Red and Black teams. That and their complete lack of match fitness when it comes to sheep-herding. Or any other physical activity. It was neck and neck until the Red Team ladies smashed the boys 7-3, allowing the girls to take a 2kg weight advantage into tonight’s weigh in. They celebrated their victory by all holding hands and offering the worst Laverne & Shirley impression ever – there was no schlemiel! and very little schlimazel!.

With Selena returning to the game, the White Team was buoyed and raced off to training. The Red Team raced off to training to tell Trainer Michelle they won the challenge and then proceeded to give her grief through the entire final session before weigh in. Brenda was especially hard, putting up all sorts of barriers. When she put up the castle parapets it was the last straw for Trainer Michelle, who somehow swore without saying a word and stormed off, after having climbed over the various barriers put in place by Brenda.

Michelle decided she needed to go and find a piece of Brenda she knew existed, so she went and got her ovaries (metaphorically anyway). “Are you fine, or do you need help?” asks Trainer Michelle. “I’m fine, I’m just a cryer,” said Brenda, her bell clanging from under her robes. Over to the Blue Team training and James is still carrying the briefcase of doom. Trainer Shannan is still trying to convince him not to leave with the cash, but James had a constant $30,000 reminder strapped to his wrist… and then, suddenly, it was time for WEIGH IN.

By the end of the weigh in, Shannan wants the Blue Team above the yellow line and James staying. Working to make sure that was possible, Shannan immediately draws a line with his own urine at the bottom of the Blue Team steps. “There,” he says proudly, slapping his hands together, “Now we’ll always be above the yellow line.” The Blue Team cast sharp looks at each other, and then James announces he’s leaving Biggest Loser with his $30,000 brick. Everyone’s annoyed and James is the only one smiling. He later opened the briefcase in private only to have it explode in his face, as the Last Boy Scout looked across the Hollywood Hills at the home burning in the distance. “Ol’ Satan Claws strikes again,” he muses, as he lights a cigarette and slinks off into the darkness.

After all the weigh ins – none of which were as big as last week’s massive numbers – the total weight loss percentages for the teams combined was:
Red: -16.4kg (3.32%)
Blue: -14.3kg (2.81%)
Black: -16.3kg (2.48%)
White: -87.6kg (2.46%)

Black & White Teams had to pick someone to eliminate – but not Selena as she’d just returned. All the Sooky La Las in White Team agreed the person with the least percentage lost (in this case Michelle) would be up for elimination. Simon from the Black Team took it upon himself to go up for elimination, working on the theory everyone liked him. Yeah, like that ever works. Consequently Shane was up for elimination for the Black Team.

Everyone’s teary at elimination too. My lord, isn’t this a competition?! Boo hoo cry babys. But we have to wait until tomorrow night to find out who gets eliminated. But there is a promise we’ll see more – Camp Biggest Loser is bugged! Who’s been eating what they shouldn’t? Who’s been sneaking into someone else’s room? Who’s been walking around the common areas naked using the couch as a toilet? Tune in on Tuesday for the answers to these shocking questions no one has been asking…

My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7

David and Scott - sweating bullets

It’s Queensland’s first time to represent, and soliders David and Scott are out to show that a little discipline, intensity and camouflage can overcome any challenge.

Team Qld starts with a quick 5km run at 6am, wasting precious minutes when they could be doing a piece to camera. Oh, there it is. They’re knockabout lads who like a joke and are here to show that just because they eat ration packs doesn’t mean they can’t cook (ration packs). They’re carrying the full weight of the defence force who’ve promised to engage in a little ritualised bastardisation if they stuff it up. Cue Manu and Pete to discuss their menu: Entree – Red Claw Salad; Main – Surf & Turf (Eye Fillet and Moreton Bay Bug); Dessert – Mango and Macadamia Flan. Pete is concerned about the bernaise sauce accompanying the main, and Manu mumbled something about only the French can make a good bernaise sauce or something about how he single-handedly carried the show for the first two series. Can’t be quite sure.

“The Digger’s Rest” is frantically being setup, and all of a sudden it’s 3 hours prep time. Red Claw into the freezer, flour into the sieve, blokey-matey jokes on rapid fire. The blinis are ready:
“Not to overpowering, mate?”
“Nah mate.”
“You sure mate?”
“Yeah mate.”
Glad we worked that out, mate. Once the salsa was done they knew it was time to “lock it in, Eddie.” Not sure how that snuck past the network censors.

Rolling the pastry out starts as a disaster, and then the boys sear off the steaks as H-hour approaches… the moment when they step off into the attack. “No retreat!” Grabbing the nearest M-60’s they both head to the door to welcome their guests and immediately separate the women from the men and commence interrogation. “WHO IS YOUR LEADER??” “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??” A quiet word from a producer reminding them this is a cooking show and one quick edit later, all of a sudden the teams are out the back and settling into “The Digger’s Rest”. Cue theme from Hogan’s Heroes. Everyone is welcomed with the tradional nip of sherry, and the angsty-bitchy starts between Team WA and Team SA already. Enter Pete and Manu, stage left.

Team Vic’s Thomas thinks the menu is understated and immediately turns his nose up and brushes the suede on his too-hip-to-be-hipster pants down his leg. Team Qld are sure everyone will love their meal – “So much colour, it’s vibrant, it’s different, it’s noice, it’s unusual.” They decide to let their guests crack the Red Claws as they’re having trouble doing it to time themselves. Princess Jen thinks the blinis are “dry, flat & looks undercook.” Insightful woman, poor though her grasp of the english language is . Pete’s disappointed they’ve not cracked the claws and now he’ll have to do it for all the children at the table. Both Pete and Manu think Team Qld presented a beautiful looking dish and the taste of the Red Claw matched it, though Pete shows his un-Australian side by stating seafood and tropical fruit do not go together. GET OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, FOREIGNER! Then Team NZ offer a piss-poor Jack Nicholson impersonation from when he was The Joker in Batman (at least that’s what it sounded like – who can really understand that accent?).

Pete and Manu being unimpressed with the entree opened the way for Team WA’s Angela to hop on board the bitchy train too. If she ever had an original thought in her head it was tonight when Pete told her what she could think. Team Qld are confident they can’t stuff up the steak as they pop it back in the oven for another 10 mintues as Scott keeps grating sweet potato. The thermometer tells them they steaks aren’t ready but they feel right to the touch. Never, NEVER depend on the mechanical – what do they teach them in military school these days? A well placed iPhone product-placement timer alarm tells them the steaks are ready, and when they slice through their tester they’re worried about the steaks being prepared properly – they look overcooked.

Main is plated and delivered, and Pete is disappointed as the plate “looked dead”. Would have thought that was the point, but who knows with these un-Australian judges. The beef is delivered medium-well when the boys were after medium-rare which causes Manu to throw his hands in the air and storm off set complaining about “sacrifices he’s made to be here” and “he’s never been so insulted”. Angela can’t cut the steak and makes no mention of it in a parallel universe – here she just continues moans to teammate Justine.

“Amazing how a steak can really ruin your day,” laments David. Dracula looks at him with contempt and storms off. Just then the narrator delivers the best/worst line of the series so far:
“With time against them, the boys have no choice but to solider on.”
Nothing to see here, move along people. Coulis production seems to be more effort than it’s worth, and the pastries appear to be underwhelming. “We’ve done it again,” says Scott. You can hear the combined armed forces massing out the front, ready to hand out some well-deserved punishment.

More unnecessary military puns and misdirection from Pete, congratulating the the boys on “nearly getting a bullseye” with their dessert. “It’s perfect,” says Manu’s interpreter. Team Qld weren’t expecting that – they were expecting a well-deserved pants-down thrashing. Princess Jen and Leigh don’t like their “raw” pastry.

David and Scott have to “re-group” (ZING!) while the judging takes place. 6 from Vic, 6 from SA, 5 from NZ, 5 from WA, 5 from NSW – total score 27/50. We’re reminded we can also score tonight’s dish on an interactive platform known as Fango, previously unheard of before this promotional moment. Pete and Manu scored:
P Entree – 4; M Entree – 5
P Main – 5; M Main – 4
P Dessert – 9; M Dessert – 10
Overall score: 64/110
The amount of time Manu talks during the judging you’d think he hosts the show. “Everything on the plate (for dessert) tells a story,” he allegedly said. Those elocution lessons for the mangoes really paid off. The score for Team Qld means that Team NZ are still on the bottom, with Team Vic to come tomorrow night. Will they vanish up their own self-importance and hipster bitchiness?

Please Marry My BoyMon 8:45, Ch7

Koa sizes Matt up for new nipple rings

Tonight starts with the Mums telling it straight about their boys. Where was this truth last week? Why are the trapped trio of girls moving in with each Mum only learning now about these personality flaws? Too many questions. Too many concerns. The show must go on!

“They say ‘Mother know’s best’,” suggests host Ada. Says who? I didn’t see any Government-funded study confirming this assertion! The entire premise of this show is a scam!!! Liz doesn’t want to clean up after Vlad – she’s not a happy little housewife. So Vlad’s Mum gives all three girls moving in with her aprons. Elva wants Tony to look inside the girls to find love, so he nicks off on his motorcycle to hire ‘Silence Of The Lambs’ as research. Nothing suss!

Elva’s so happy to see her three prospective girls. “I’ll do the top,” offers Tammy-Lee, and then we all realise they are talking about the bunks. Nothing suss! There’s talk of grandchildren over at Anne’s house, and Edwina is already making plans to bring her grandkids over for Christmas which will be massively awkward when she doesn’t hook up with Anne’s son Brendan. PE Teacher/Mum Karen has made a classy tray of a wheel of camembert, kabana, pickled onions and crackers. “This is me cooking,” she offers reassuringly. “Welcome to the house of fun,” she says as she welcomes the girls in. Then the orders start. This is going to be the biggest barrel of fun since Snowtown. Nothing suss!

As a nice touch by the producers making the Mums look extra stalky, there are photos of the girls in frames in each lounge room. Oestrogen quickly bubbles over as the boys are wheeled in to welcome the new housemates (emphasis on “mates” in a “sowing your royal oats” kind of way). From the get-go the girls have come prepared to be tested after getting a warning letter from the Mums, including test one – impress Mum – so that the winner scored a one-on-one date with son. This is becoming less of a dating show and more of a man-whoring arrangement.

Serbian Mum Milena is proving hard to impress – she doesn’t like having her nails done. Constanza knows to get to know Vlad she needs to woo Milena(!). See earlier concern about “man-whoring”. If the girls thought Milena was tough, Karen’s the woman of steel. Koa admits to a “rookie error” by taking Karen on a personal boot camp, and then opening up to Karen during a break helping her make a connection. WITH THE WRONG PERSON. “You’re me with the dark hair,” Karen says to Koa. Koa smiles, giggles, tosses her hair and weighs up her options if things don’t work out with Matt.

Matt & Koa go on a tandem bicycle date, which is seven euphemisms rolled into one. Vlad and Costanza go for a paddle boat ride that could very well end in a motorboating. All the while the Mum’s are watching the dates as they take place. Nothing suss! Matt holds off kissing Koa because he wants to give everyone else a chance. Vlad and Costanza are enjoying a picnic together when he leans in for for a massive pash. Costanza felt giddy, Vlad broke a personal rule (don’t kiss on a first date), and Milena rates her son’s kiss 8/10 – just not as good as she taught him.

‘Little’ Anna has a date with Brendan on a twilight cruise Mum Anne has arranged. He’s a bit stand-offish, she’s pretty much throwing herself at him. “I’m feeling something,” he offers. That would be her arse with your hand, Brendan. Tony’s Mum Elsa has arranged a high tea date with her son for Sarah. The other girls are left to do jigsaw puzzles. Sarah thinks Tony likes Tammy Lee everywhere, and this got Tony offside. “No sparks, but these things take time or a lot of alcohol,” says Elva. On their date, Little Anna asks for a kiss and Brendan feels pressured by the camera crew to follow through.

The Mums all meet with their sons to discuss the dates, the kissing techniques, and how the sons feel about the girls. Then a “family meeting” is called and the Mums decide if they move the photo of the girl closer to the family photos on the mantle. Stay classy. “I’ll still be judging, I’ll still be watching,” notes Karen as she sits patting her white cat in her lair of dastardly evil.

The girls still don’t know the Mums are watching the dates. Nothing suss!