My Kitchen RulesMon-Wed 7:30pm, Ch7
Tonight brings us a sudden death showdown between Jake and Elle, siblings from Queensland, and Angela and Melina, “real housewives” from Victoria. Why does the voiceover man insist on calling them “real housewives”? Are the other housewives on the show holograms or something? Perhaps futuristic robots, programmed only to cook and say snarky things to the camera? Maybe we’ll find out tonight!*

*Spoiler: We won’t.

“I never pictured us in this particular situation,” Jake says as they arrive at the kitchen. Look, Jake, nobody goes into something like this thinking “gee, I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose the HECK out of this.” Except – maybe! – for Kieran and Nastassia (They’re so quirky!).

When tonight’s showdown-ees gather in front of Pete and Manu, Pete reminds Angela and Melina that this is their second time in this situation. There’s no reason for it, really, but he goes ahead and does it anyway. That’s how you create drama!

Manu tells Jake and Elle that their youth leads them to bite off more than they can chew. Elle replies, “I didn’t realise we were pushing so many boundaries! I thought we were boring cooks!”

No, Elle. You’re just boring people. Although – to be fair – contestants on these sorts of shows are usually divided into “boring people” and “total bitches”.

Elle tells us that she and Jake are cooking, for their entree, something that sounds like “Nutella tomatoes”. I’m pretty sure I misheard that, but I would rather believe in the dream than go back and check.

Meanwhile, Angela and Melina are making an octopus and potato salad for entree, roast duck for mains, and poached pears for dessert. They’re disgusted by the octopus, which is totally fair (WHO NEEDS THAT MANY LEGS?!), but raises the question… why cook it?! Make something not-gross! Like… I don’t know, bread or something.

Jake is tying up some veal, which apparently has something to do with the Nutella tomatoes. Curiouser and curiouser!

Angela tells us, in regards to their entree, “the worst thing that can happen with this dish, is that I overcook the octopus.”

Come on, Angela. I can think of much worse things. What if the octopus comes to life and strangles the guests? What if it turns out that the octopus was kind of a racist and then everyone that eats it becomes a little bit racist? These are very real concerns, Angela.

Jake and Elle are worried about overcooking their veal. Sure, but you haven’t even started preparing the Nutella, guys. Get it together!

On the other side of the kitchen, Melina is getting the duck sorted for the main, while Angela begs her to help with the potatoes for the octopus entree. You need to have a potato in each tentacle, or the one that ISN’T busy holding a potato will shoot up from the plate and wrap around somebody’s face. The potato – or “decoy face”, in cooking terms – is vital.

As Jake and Elle plate up their entree, they try to shoot mayonnaise from a squeezy bottle onto the veal. Jake decides to open up the bottle and smear the mayonnaise with a knife, and he SAYS it’s because the mayo was too thick for the squeezy bottle, but I’m pretty sure he knew how uncomfortable we all were with how phallic it was.

Eventually, the entrees both get plated up. The guest judges – Mean Guy, Glasses Guy, Bossy Lady and Other Lady – show up to taste. They love Jake and Elle’s (which apparently is “Vitello Tonnato”! Another mystery solved. Good work, Dan!), then taste Angela and Melina’s octopus and potato dish. They also love this dish, which means that everybody is winning so far. So, in a way, nobody is winning. That’s how winning works.

Then comes Round Two, the mains. Jake and Elle are working on a John Dory and fennel salad, which leaves me wondering whether they’ve asked Mister Dory what he thinks about all of this. They get started on their dessert, because maybe we should all have dessert first and THEN mains. That’s unique, right? Surely they’ll get some extra points for that.

Around the corner, the Real Housewives are working on their dessert as well, because nothing makes sense anymore.

Eventually, both teams return to focusing on their mains (presumably, as they begin to sober up). Jake is making more mayonnaise, because he won’t stop until this show is as filthy as possible, while Melina is finishing up her roast duck.

Jake moves across to the stove and gets the fish cooking, while Elle works on their dessert some more. The Housewives are also worried about getting their dessert done in time, and I start to realise that the rounds break down more like this: Round One, entree and dessert; Round Two, mains and dessert; Round Three, more friggin’ dessert until you hate the very idea of dessert. Who knew the least essential part of the meal took the most time?*

*Just kidding. We all know that the entree is the least essential part. I don’t need practice-food!

Soon, cooking time is done, and the mains are plated. The judges return, for the “eating a bit and then saying mean things” portion of the evening.

It turns out to be quite the disappointment, as very few mean things are said by the judges. It’s left to Ashlee and Sophia, who – upon tasting the Housewives’ roast duck – says “It tastes like a Christmas ham!”

This can’t be accurate, but it makes me laugh, so they’re cool with me.

Round Three rolls around, meaning that everybody gets to focus on freaking out about dessert, as opposed to freaking out about something else AND dessert.

Jake and Elle are whipping some molten cakes out of the oven, then they test one and discover that it doesn’t stand up properly. Then they test another, from their second batch, and it’s perfect. This is one of those mini-crises that gets you exactly one commercial break worth of suspense, and My Kitchen Rules deploys these things perfectly. They have to, I guess… it’s really all they have.

On the other side of the kitchen, the Housewives are getting their poached pears onto the plates, and yelling what sounds like gibberish as they do so. To be fair, it MIGHT be Italian.*

*But I’m pretty sure it’s gibberish.

The judges return for the dessert tasting, and Mean Guy (Colin, I think) points out that the poached pears are too firm. I’d be more concerned that the pears have apparently been poached – pears have a hard enough time in the wild, without poachers cutting short lives and destroying families.

After the dessert tasting, it’s time for the results. We all know that Angela and Melina are going home, but sure, let’s pretend that there’s some suspense here.

The Housewives wind up with thirty-seven points out of a possible sixty. While giving Jake and Elle their feedback, the judges refrain from mentioning their dessert, meaning that it was either SUPER good or SUPER bad. Like, so bad that one of the judges is dead now.

But no, it turns out that it was great, and Jake and Elle smash it, with a total score of fifty points.

That’s cool. I like Jake and Elle. I’ll miss Angela and Melina, but I guess Ashlee and Sophia will have to find someone else to be horrible towards. Onward and upward!