My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7

"Dinner, such as it is, is served..."

“Dinner, such as it is, is served…”

For group one, it all comes down to this… the complaints of J-Bis. They’re devastated they’re at the bottom by they’re hoping Lisa & Stefano completely stuff it up (after they kiss). It a battle royale where Jessis & Biswa complain A LOT and Lisa & Stefano complain A LOT.

We’re in Adelaide – the city of fountains – to see Lisa walk out in a bathrobe to kiss Stefano in bed. He takes a while to warm up though we didn’t really need to know about their sex life. She’s the original cougar and he’s the original bewildered immigrant. “Beauty is everwhere,” says Stefano, looking at himself in the mirror.

Ditching the robes for more formal outdoor attire, L&S go shopping and Lisa promises not to snap at Stefano. “I WON’T FUCKING SNAP AT YOU, ALRIGHT!?” she screams at him. Mick’s expecting big things from Lisa & Stefano like he’s expected big things from every team. Matt has been replaced with a mute muppet.

Stefano watches as Lisa lectures him on how many eggplant they’ll need for their entree. He hears: “blah blah blah eggplant.” She sees him nod and the relationship continues thanks to the language barrier. Manu thinks the entree might be too simple – he was expecting something much more complex and Rubik-like.

To ensure we know we’re in Adelaide we have to shop at the Central Markets. Duck breast collected, Pete offers the breast will probably be dry and the polenta has the potential to be bland. Talk about picky before he’s even tasted it! Jake & Elle think L&S are the dark horses of the competition, while J-Bis are praying to Vishnu the South Australian couple fail miserably.

The Instant Restaurant tonight will be called “Carnivale”, meaning you have to wear a mask so that the other contestants can’t identify Jessie or Biswa and punch them in the face. Lisa is ordering her Italian Stallion around, getting him to dress the restaurant while she gets angry at him for messing around. “Today, there is no room for rope,” says Lisa, and she and Stefano kiss. Can someone set their sex on fire, please?

Their menu looks to be quite the game changer if delivered well:
Entree – White Bean & Eggplant Puree with rosemary flatbread.
Main – Duck Breast in White Wine, Cinnamon & Sage on polenta with roast potatoes and artichokes.
Dessert – Coconut Meringue with passionfruit curd and rum cream.

No, that's not a poo-stemmed flower, that's the dip.

No, that’s not a poo-stemmed flower, that’s the dip.

Manu thinks the dessert is Lisa’s dish because it’s quite feminine, and for the inclusion of the oestrogen tablets. As usual something from the shopping has gone missing. Stefano is walking around looking for it & can’t find it – Lisa knows exactly where it is. “It’s like an episode of Fawlty Towers,” she laughs. “What is this Fawlty Tower?” asks a bewildered Stefano. Learn about our bloody imported comedy history before you come here, you bloody Italian. Sheesh.

Meringues are in the oven so the soft peaks can harden. Lisa & Stefano kiss. It’s sexual food and sexual prep. Stefano kneading the bread like he would knead Lisa’s breasts in a massage. Penis. Vagina. I need to go lie down…

Time is running out so L&S nick out for a quickie before their guests arrive. J-Bis show that they’re yet to grow up and accept defeat gracefully. Andi states what everyone is thinking and that is tonight someone is going home and she has no freaking idea.

The guests are welcomed into Carnivale and Kerrie’s now expecting a big show (which is exactly what they get when they walk into the room). L&S kiss. Aww. Stefano pulls his pants back up. Aww. The guests are invited to put their keys into the glass bowl in the centre of the table.

In Adelaide more fountains have randomly sprung up. J-Bis are expecting “Itaaaliaaan” from L&S. The hosts know they’ll be scored very hard by the guests – particularly two of the bitches out there. Lisa’s prep the dip for entree – she gets it right & they kiss. The bread, however, is not kiss-worthy. Far too hard. Just like Stefano.

L&S are very excited to welcome Pete & Manu to Carnivale. Elle thinks there has to be Italian food on the menu. They all turn the menus over and “Where’s the Italian?”. Jessie’s unimpressed, but then her soul is so dark that light cannot penetrate it.

“It has to be tickety-boo,” says Lisa, revealing her true age as 73. Round two of the bread is much, much better, and L&S kiss. There’s grumbles at the table that the entree is too simple – little do they know Lisa is laying a cable on the plates with the dip. With the bread it looks very appetising, but it’s now in the hands of the judges and guests.

Elle comments on the piped poop. As to J-Bis. But the taste… it’s a simple dish, and Pete was hoping for it to be good – he’s unimpressed. He doesn’t think they showed off enough. Manu thinks the flowers belong in the garden and the rosemary should have been in the bread not on it. They kiss (Pete & Manu AND Lisa & Stefano).

Jessie rejoices at her soggy bread, and Kerrie calls the entree flavourless. “Two dark horses just became two light horses – more like zebras,” says Jake.

Regrouping in the kitchen, L&S move onto concentrate on the main while the guests talk about who is the biggest threat in the competition. Not one of them mention Jessie or Biswa.

The main is a family recipe for Stefano – “I can cook thees dish wit my eyes close” – and he blindfolds himself with a flourish David Copperfield style. Lots of questions at the table as to the mix of duck, white wine and cinnamon. Jessie doesn’t like cinnamon (“Add it to the list!” says Josh), nor does she think artichoke or potato go together.

"We liked it so much, we think they're number one..."

“We liked it so much, we think they’re number one…”

The polenta in the main is designed to “cuddle” the juicy and tasty duck. Manu & Stefano kiss as he’s just arrived in the kitchen too. Beyond that, Stefano hasn’t even realised that Manu is there so the French judge returns to the table. There’s pouring, tipping, drizzling – it’s plating time! “We very proud to be presenting this dish because it contains a surprise – two guests have poison in their polenta. I bet you can’t pick which two,” says Stefano.

All the guests are questioning the polenta – Mick called it sand, most others thought it was foam – but not it’s over to Pete & Manu. “We need the judges to like this dish,” says Lisa.

Manu loved almost everything on the plate – the duck was overcooked and the polenta doesn’t even get a look in. Pete agrees on the duck, and thinks the polenta needs more salt. “I can see who you guys are now with this dish,” says Pete. He removes his glasses and continues to eat.

“That polenta is disgusting,” whispers Jessie to Biswa. “Disgusting,” says Kerrie to Craig. Everyone seems to be disappointed by the dish. “Overall it was a horrible dish and we’re really happy about it,” says Jessie.

Dessert rises on the horizon of failure as sure as the sun rises daily. The meringues are done and perfect; Lisa is making the curd; Stefano is making goo-goo eyes at Lisa. There’s a debate over how much rum to add to the cream. Too much second-guessing as the failure approacheth.

Meanwhile at the table Jessie & Biswa are now comparing notes in Hindi so that the rest of the contestants don’t know what they’re talking about… thank goodness for interpreters and producers willing to expose their venom in a super. Elle won’t be surprised if J-Bis give them a one.

Manu seeks Jessie’s approval for the dessert – there’s nothing there she doesn’t like, but she hopes they don’t do well. Quite bluntly, she’s a rude cow. L&S plate the dessert, kiss, put their clothes back on and serve it to their guests.

“I want you to understand the difference between your entree and this dessert – every single component here works together, it’s simple and it works well,” says Manu, but he does pause to point out the presentation could be better. “The meringue – superb,” offers Pete. The curd also gets big props. J-Bis jump on the perceived poor presentation and know where to stick the knife – somewhere between ribs three and four.

No complaints from the rest of the table over the dessert. And so, onto judgement…

Josh & Andi – 4. (A: “Their dessert was really good.”)
Mick & Matt – 5.
Jake & Elle – 4. (E: “I was expecting more from the entree.”)
Kerrie & Craig – 4.
Jessie & Biswa – 1. (J: “OMG the polenta – what was that? I thought our rice was bland.”)

One of these team is not like the other...

One of these team is not like the other…

Guest total = 18/50. As always, the last team is judged most harshly as the other teams fight for their survival. Also, Jessie & Biswa prove that “anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering” – mostly ours as we have to put up with their constant BLAH BLAH BLAH. Lisa & Stefano confirm they still love each other by kissing.

Pete announces that the scores won’t be announced at the table – they’re all off into the city for the first elimination. SHOCK! GASP! WE ALL SAW IT COMING BECAUSE WE SAW THE PROMOS!

Once arriving at random location in the Adelaide CBD, they walk past the Mall’s Balls again to reinforce the localisation of the ep. Lisa & Stefano are nervous – they could well be going home, so they kiss.

Recapping the leaderboard:
Mick & Matt – 80
Kerrie & Craig – 72
Josh & Andi – 68
Jake & Elle – 65
Jessie & Biswa – 41
Lisa & Stefano – ???

We know Lisa & Stefano’ll need at least 24 from Pete & Manu to survive. We kiss, and it’s a little big awks. J-Bis confirm what nobody was thinking in that their score was “totally unfair”. Lisa & Stefano call out Jessie & Biswa for scoring strategically, and are offered a ‘high-road’ opportunity when asked if they’d score strategically if in the same position.

The Spite Girls laugh, and continue to do nothing for Australian-Indian relationships. Even Jake & Elle have identified that J-Bis are playing the game poorly. Once L&S hear the guest score they’re not surprised but disappointed. Pete & Manu’s scores will make all the difference…

P Entree – 2; M Entree – 3.
P Main – 6; M Main – 5. (M: “My first issue with this dish was the duck breast.”)
P Dessert – 9; M Dessert – 9. (P: “The best thing on that plate was the meringue.”)

Grand Total = 52/110. BYE BYE JESSIE AND BISWA! DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON YOUR SIZEABLE ARSES ON THE WAY OUT!!! Take that, bitches – it would seem the Karma Bus does swing by twice.

“Jessie & Biswa, “unfortunately” you’ve got the lowest score of the group and have been eliminated,” says Pete. We all relax in the knowledge that there is indeed a God.

Manu & Pete manufacture reasons why they’ll be missed. Things like “we’ll miss your… nothing…”. There’s tears from the Spite Girls as they hug each other and leave. Lisa & Stefano kiss. “We may have left the competition but we’ll never leave each other,” says Biswa.

Tomorrow we’re introduced to six new teams – 12 new personalities; at least seven more disasters waiting to happen. The new teams are:

Jenna & Joanna (SA) – Domestic Goddesses.
Luke & Scott (NSW) – Personal Trainers.
Dan & Steph (Qld) – Married.
Ally & Samuel (Tas) – Friends.
Lisa & Candice (WA) – Former Beauty Queens.
Sam & Chris (Vic) – Cousins.

The teams will be pushed to the limit. There’ll be amazing food, tears, and over-reaction to judgment. Delicious!