My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
Previously, so much failure has beset the teams on My Kitchen Rules you’d think the show had been renamed “MasterChef The Professionals”. Angela & Melina failed, Dan & Steph failed, and tonight Kieran & Nastassia may yet fail with their “Asylum”. To make it even more interesting Melina clashes with the Angry Asian Lesbians – This is the BEST!

Hello Perth. How do you feel to have nerds in you? Nerds that play Nintendo 64 still. Kieran & Nastassia describe themselves as “pretty normal nerds” – Kieran likes to use the words “prog” and “penetration” but has no girlfriend to back it up. Nastassia likes let Kieran wear a cape too. This relationship is off to a bad start.

They leave late as they were playing too much Mortal Kombat(!) and now they’re stuck in traffic. When they do arrive at their local Coles Nastassia announces she’s anally retentive and Kieran knows it. In fact that’s where he keeps his cape (don’t ask).

Pete has high expectations from the food nerds – he’s expecting excellence. He’s gonna be sorely disappointed. Angela & Melina are open to anything and drop their car keys in the bowl at the front door.

Now the shopping is done they have to phone the ocean to make sure the trout is there. Three hours thirty minutes until the guests arrive and not one ocean has the bloody trout. They eventually find a place that has what they need – an hour return trip away. It’s a sacrifice they are willing to make – “I’d rather be late with the dish than not serve it,” offers Kieran with a far away look in his eye…

Manu is impressed by the main, because let’s face it, salt dough is pretty horrible by itself.

With only two hours to go and the Instant Restaurant isn’t dressed – “The Asylum” – full of dark beauty and two people with no idea. Now with only 85 minutes until the guests arrive, the pair kick into prepping their menu…

Entree – Walnut and Spinach Ravioli with marscapone and basil.
Main – Trout Baked in Salt Dough with kipfler potatoes and watercress and lemon cream sauce.
Dessert – Champagne Poached Pears with honey cinnamon ice cream and pistachio biscuits.

The pasta has to be cooked perfectly, especially now that there are three Italians in the guest group. Kieran is questioning his mere existence. “Why is my hair so flowing yet so full of body?” he asks while the pasta dough is struggling.

Nastassia is working on the salt dough yet is still able to yell at Kieran AND keep an eye on the ever diminishing time allowance. “Using herbs in the salt dough is a unique way of imparting herbiness to the dish,” says Kieran. It’s like he knows what he wants to say but they second guesses himself as he’s about to say it and then says something stupid.

Nastassia is revelling in the pressure. She loves it. LOVES it. Kieran is now kneading the salt dough, mumbling about how he loves being dominated by Nastassia, when she asks him why the pasta dough is too soft and isn’t in the fridge. He… umm… He doesn’t know, and now doesn’t have enough flour to start it again. His early prediction already looks to be coming true.

28 minutes and the ice cream is now only just being made. Why is everyone making ice cream or shitty cakes for dessert? Kieran’s starting to melt down with the creation of the salt dough but Nastassia sets him straight – 11 minutes to go and they have to get dressed and sacrifice a goat and everything.

The cab vouchers for the guests ran out at the top of the street and so they have to walk three blocks and down the drive. Angela & Melina note that the Angry Asian Lesbians will be all gushy over Kieran & Nastassia’s food because they don’t like them. BING BONG.

Everyone is welcomed while Angela & Melina put on their own little show, just for us. Lispy can tell her hosts have got it well under control. It doesn’t take much to break Kieran’s nerve and everything is doing his head in. A butterfly lands on his shoulder and it does his head in.

Ashlee doesn’t like Stefano and she’s sitting next to him; Lispy has to zone out to “protect her intellect”.

BING BONG It’s Pete & Manu. Pete can tell Kieran’s scared because he shakes hands like a scared man. He also hopes it doesn’t get too crazy for his hosts in the kitchen. Or for him at the table.

Angela loves trout. LOVES it. But she has no idea what salt dough is. The Asian Lesbians can tell it’s a good menu and that Kieran & Nastassia should go well. The pasta dough says otherwise.

Samuel’s hungry. It’s been 90 minutes since the guests arrived and the entree is still being prepared. Kieran tells us the spinach that goes into the ravioli doesn’t need tearing and can go in whole so he cuts it up for Nastassia to sweat down.

Two hours have passed and there’s no entree. K&N are finally cooking the ravioli and swiftly plate and serve – which they needed to, considering everyone at the table has now aged terribly. There’s disappointment that there’s not much to the entree. Stefano has time to give us all an Italian lesson so we can identify the difference between “ravioli”, “raviolo” & “bunga bunga”.

Pete & Manu taste their entree while Samuel eats his napkin. Pete thinks their entree is very poor – the pasta element is terrible. If it had been cooked properly then it would have been a different story. Manu holds aloft a piece claiming it to be inedible. Pete reminds them that their time management must improve, considering it’s now 2031.

Hunger overtakes the desire to live and the guests all dive in. Angela is disappointed with the main – “where’s the rest of it” – and Ashlee thinks she and Melina are playing the game. The Cougar didn’t like it either.

Lispy is gonna forgive the pasta being “a little undercooked” because the flavours inside it were so good. Yeah, right.

In Kitchen Meltdown Central, Nastassia notes it’s taking her too long to roll out the salt dough and it must be too salty as it’s not holding together. It’s chaos. Kieran is relegated to prepping the fish – this after nothing else has been done for main and they’re already two hours late on entree – while Nastassia rolls as her Asylum burns.

At the table the talk of what the salt dough is and isn’t is causing quite the conflict between Angela & Melina and Ashlee & Lispy the dog. Lots of conflicting opinions just between those four, let alone what the other guests think.

Kieran feels helpless. He’s also feeling fish but he’s more helpless than anything else. As they manage to get 5 fish into the oven there’s a recognition that given it’s now two hours since entree (four hours plus since the night started!) the table has dissolved into puns about fish – “they’re swimming up stream” & “I’ll be they’re feeling like a fish out of water”. Little do they know that less than half the dishes are being cooked, so they’ll have even more time to not only perfect the puns but also come up with some good ones.

Maybe the fish will ‘poisson’ one of them.

The first lot done after 30 minutes, yet the potatoes aren’t yet done nor are the rest of the fish. Time’s still ticking, and Ali is willing to eat her foot. It’s hit three hours since entree and everyone’s hungry. Mental hungry. Hungry like the wolf.

Rather than wait to reveal the fish at the table from the salt dough, K&N open one in the kitchen. They’re hoping it’s worked and the fish hasn’t gone dry – and it hasn’t (at last from that one). All are opened but with the lid kept on as a plating and serving suggestion.

127 hours after arrival and the Cougar is expecting perfection from this dish. At least one guest has cut their arm off to sustain them between entree and main. Dan’s excited – not Big Kev excited – but excited nonetheless.

Manu notes it took three hours to deliver the main, but he “love, love, loves” the presentation. That doesn’t say much for what it tastes like. Pete at least judges the food – the potato salad was good, the fish was overcooked and the sauce needed more acid. “Some technical issues,” offers Nastassia, “But we can nail this dessert.”

Stefano is starving and doesn’t care the fish is a little bit dry inside the “salty dough”. “These guys, they know how to cook, which is good that we finally have some competition,” says Lispy. It’s totally got the other teams back up against her, especially Dan-the-man-who-can’t-count.

Dessert is starting to get made and Nastassia knows they have to deliver it quick – “no more than 45 minutes”. Pears are poaching, pistachos are pasting, Keiran is pissing his pants.

The biscuits are almost ready, not as crisp as they should be out of the oven but they’ll do. The ice cream clearly had no issue as we only just see it now getting served into the skull dish. Plated & delivered, K&N stand at nervous attention watching Pete & Manu eat. It’s like My Kitchen Porn for these two. Kieran notes Manu can’t cut through his pear but Pete’s is OK.

Manu can tell they’re missing a little bit of technique across the whole dish. Pete, on the other hand, loved it because he got a near-perfect poached pear. This is Pete’s favourite from the three dishes that TOOK AGES TO SERVE tonight.

The Cougar doesn’t like the skull; Stefano likes it. Discipline for him tonight.

Dan struggles to eat his pear; Lispy loves it all; Melina is disappointed and while she shares her thoughts Ashlee can’t stop from laughing. Lispy thinks it’s a sign that Melina has an inflated ego… like her trout pout. And so to judgement…

Angela & Melina – 2.
Ali & Samuel – 4. (A: “After a two hour wait, that entree was rough.”)
Dan & Steph – 5. (D: “They’ve got great knowledge of flavours.”
Ashlee & Sophia – 6. (S: “I was blown away.”)
Lisa & Stefano – 1.

Guest total = 18/50. That’s a tie with Angela & Melina, which will put two gatecrashers at the bottom of the leaderboard – with shocking scores so far. Kieran & Nastassia are understandably nervous waiting for Pete & Manu’s thoughts and scores knowing they took too long to serve…

P Entree – 3; M Entree – 1. (P: “The ravioli was terrible.”)
P Main – 6; M Main – 7.
P Dessert – 8; M Dessert – 5. (M: “I didn’t get a good pear.”)

Grand Total = 48/110. Pretty sure Manu called it a “piece of shit biscuit”. Clearly Kieran & Nastassia can’t add up as otherwise getting the 8 from Pete wouldn’t have made them happy. They’re circumspect and the “Real Housewives” are over the moon. The Angry Asian Lesbians aren’t happy – they felt Angela & Melina should be on the bottom as their Instant Restaurant “was clearly a flop”. Next up it’s Ali & Samuel again, and this time there’s not a jar of curry in sight. What’s even better is it finally explodes between Angela & Melina and Ashlee & Lispy the dog. Delicious!