My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
In case you’re just catching up, four teams have already cooked and Luke & Scott have slayed the rest – leaving Lisa & Candice in the basement. “We’re not used to being losers, even though we are,” says Lisa. Tonight Dan & Steph are cooking up a storm in Hervey Bay, whale steaks and all, with the Bitchy Beauties doing all they can to undermine them now… seeing as how it worked so well in Bondi.

We must be in Qld – there’s shots of the beach and Dan & Steph in bikinis. Dan’s tetchy but he’s letting it all hang out by painting a sign for their Instant Restaurant “Decadence” – that nearly didn’t fit on the wood he had for it.

Dan’s a tradie, & Steph’s his lady. They love dry-humping shark statues and painting things. Dan’s passion is cooking and Steph’s passion is Dan. It’s like they’re made for each other. Dan wants to open a sausage shop (no pun intended), and they’re in the comp “not to pick strawberries”, which is entirely awkward considering their dessert.

Dan loves meat. He loves meat inside him. Steph loves Dan’s meat inside her. They both just love the meat in them.

Pete’s concerned with all this meat being thrown about and they’re not mentioning the cut they’re using. Dan knows his meat – he’s using a cut of cured belly (mmm… bacon) cured in cherry cola. Samuel acknowledges Dan loves meat – and so does he. Certainly Tradie & his lady’s menu is living up to their Instant Restaurant name…

Entree – Confit Salmon with green pea salad.
Main – Cherry Cola Braised Pork with white bean mash and baby carrots.
Dessert – Chocolate Brownie with cookie dough ice cream and salted caramel sauce.

Right now, they can both officially marry me. That’s bloody awesome (sorry Luke & Scott, you can keep your kale and butterflies and shit).

Steph empties the chocolate aisle just for their dessert and it’s awesome. Shut up about how bad it is Luke.

Straight home to set up their Instant Restaurant and just in time to hear Jake tell them to “Go Queensland”. With all the meat it may be likely. Lisa hopes that they’ll fail miserably because she’s a twisted old bint.

Prep time starts and it’s all knives, aprons and jokes. “Whoa! Sharp enough to shave my ballsack while I sleep,” offers Dan. Oversharing is his specialty. Manu’s concerned with the entree as if Dan & Steph don’t know exactly what they’re doing then it’ll be an abject failure. Just like Lisa & Candice’s life.

Steph’s making the custard for the ice cream – two hours to go. 1.5kg of butter in Steph’s brownie will mean everyone will waddle home with butter oozing from their pores. Oh, and the cookie dough. Time’s ticking and the ice cream isn’t yet in the freezer – six hours to freeze and there’s no time to waste. 30 minutes to go and the brownie’s out.

Mmm… bacon. But when Dan cuts it open it’s got a massive seam of fat, so that has to be sorted out. Pete gets it but notes it needs other flavours, while Manu is just confused (but to his credit he’s gonna give it a try). Manu is easily confused.

Dan & Steph rush off to get dressed just as the guests walk up to the door and BING BONG… they’re HE-ERE! For some reason opening the door is enough to warrant applause now.

All those palms in plastic bags and everyone feels like they’re in the tropics. But first – the signature drink of Decadence, served in hollowed out pineapples. Which looks exactly like Lisa & Candice. STOP WEARING THE SAME BLOCK COLOURS, YOU CRAZY WOMEN!

Overlooking the canals of Hervey Bay has helped the vibe for the other teams seem quite relaxed but the temperature is rising. Joanna is starting to wonder what they’re on. Dan & Steph are worried about the entree because they barely eat seafood – so great idea to prep it for their competition dinner.

Candice has launched into super weirdness now, ‘predicting the future’. How to win cooking competitions and influence your peers who are judging you. BING BONG Pete & Manu arrive, expecting to be impressed. When the door opens they’ve gone to the place across the road, so hot foot it over to be greeted by Dan & Steph.

The menus are revealed as the origami lotus in front of them and the guests have their say on the menu. Scott’s already worried about all the chemicals in the main though Lisa can. not. wait. for dessert (maybe that’s all you needed to do, Samuel?).

The oil for the confit is being prepped in the oven(?!) and there’s supposition in the kitchen as to the guests knowing what confit is. So Manu asks them. We cut between the kitchen and the table as everyone gets to say the word “confit” a lot. Manu’s already said it needs to be cooked for no more than 10 minutes yet Dan plans to cook it for 12-13 minutes. ENTER MANU.

Immediately the french chef asks how the confit is doing… and the open door policy on the oven has him well concerned. Dan takes a piece out as Manu leaves to test it, and fancy that, he’s overcooked it. TEN MINUTES, DAN! Steph thinks it’s OK but a bit fishy.

“It is fish, darl,” offers Dan.

The rest of the salmon is out on the rack and there’s no going back. The bacon has to go back in the oven while Steph appeases the peas. The temperature is rising and pretty soon it’s gonna start raining men. Plating done, service time. The judges are as expectant as the guests.

“Ahh it looks so fancy!” says Cupcake. God bless her inspriating. Lisa likes nothing about it because her heart has shrivelled to a blackened pea.

Manu launches in about the confit process – and what they’ve done… is a great job. OMG! Praise for the oven-confit-ed salmon. Dan’s gonna die though that’s likely a ventricle blockage. Pete loved the preserved lemon but felt it was missing a touch of salt which Steph calls him out on. “It’s subtle and elegant and it surprised me because it’s nothing like you,” says Pete. They’re elated and head back to prep main.

The guests all agree the entree is lovely. Scott thinks it’s the best he’s ever had, but Candice wasn’t a fan. Lisa felt the peas were good nutritionally “because they’re high carb” but she could do better. Luke reckons nobody at the table agrees with them and winks at Samuel to meet him in the loo later to prepare their assassination plot.

The white bean mash is proving to be a hit in the kitchen with all the nazis in the neighbourhood while the pork isn’t cooking how Dan would like. Discussion about the main at the table has most expectant except Lisa – “Yuck”.

D&S intend to deliver the best crackling possible, if for no other reason to show up Lisa & Candice. Dan blow-drys the skin to prep it for cooking and it fries up a treat. “I win,” says Dan.

The table turns to psycho Candice offering to predict the future for people at the table… starting with Cupcake. All she needs is their birthdate to put on the show, and what a show it is. Hissing and non-sensical statements and calling her a “one” makes her no friends with Joanna, who’s biting her tongue because they’re the only team yet to cook and she doesn’t want to ruin their chances by creating conflict.


Can Dan bring home the bacon? Clearly he already has.

Noting the bacon hasn’t had the six hours in the oven it needs because it’s only been in the oven for five hours and it’s not perfect, but there’s nothing Dan can do. Time to plate and serve, because it’s just too late. Dan quinelles the bean mash (racist) and then delivers the carrots as a nod to rangas everywhere. Add crackling and sauce and serve.

Dan’s happy with the plating but Steph’s not (“You’re throwing me under the bus!” says Dan) but there’s no time – deliver the goods, kids.

Pete’s surprised as it’s not the cut he was expecting. Joanna & Cupcake think it looks dry. Candice is being picky based on the description in the menu – pedant. D&S can see the judges cutting the meat and it’s obviously dry as it’s hard to cut. Oh well.

“I never thought I was gonna say this – it’s against everything I believe in,” says Manu, “But this dish would have done better without the sauce.” SACRE BLEU! Candice spots a weakness and drives her evil fingers into it to open the wound further. Manu disagrees with the cola pork braising both in principle and as a thing. Pete is disappointed it hasn’t worked and the cut wasn’t a good one to use.

Manu asks Dan & Steph to bring back the people who cooked the entree to deliver dessert. Lisa & Candice smile.

Sam likes the crackle; Scott is disappointed withe braised pork. Candice thinks they’re in with a chance given the shocker main. Dan is feeling the pressure and lectures Steph that it has to be the BEST dessert of the competition.

The ice cream is to be left in the freezer as long as possible while Dan & Steph make the caramel sauce, but it’s not turning. The arguments continue but they kiss & make up quickly over a turning caramel. Cupcake already has the plating planned – after all she works in a “very high class patisserie” – and has high expectations. Ali is ready to gnaw Samuel’s arm off to get at this dessert.

Steph tastes the brownie and she’s well pleased. Dan bites the bullet and tests it – it’s not set properly. “It’ll be the end of us – one good dish and two bad ones and we’re gone!” says a disappointed Dan. It hasn’t been mixed properly and they dunno how to save it. They know they can’t deliver it without the ice cream so they’re biting the bullet and serving it – but can’t mix in the cookie dough so Dan is thinking on his feet and decides to plate a disc of dough with the ice cream on it but it’s melting as quickly as they serve it.

Why does nobody making ice cream use dry ice? Crazy.

Joanna spots the ice cream hasn’t been churned properly. Chris notes the dessert hasn’t quite worked out how Dan & Steph would have liked. Pete asks them if they’ve tasted it together – “No, we didn’t” – and he tells them because it’s all too sweet.

The ice cream shouldn’t have been served, the cookie dough tastes like glue, and the caramel is under-flavoured. Manu agrees. Steph knows they shouldn’t have cut corners. Dan agrees. Candice has a malicious smile on her face. Lisa agrees.

Ali loves mixing ice cream and popcorn and was pleased about it. Candice (of course) disagrees. “I don’t think popcorn belongs on a plate that doesn’t mention it. The end.” And so begins the judgement…

Ali & Samuel – 7.
Jenna & Joanna – 6. (Jo: “Dessert was too much.”)
Sam & Chris – 5.
Luke & Scott – 6.
Lisa & Candice – 4. (C: “Wasn’t my cup of tea.”)

Guest total = 28/50. Not bad, but not awesome. They definitely need a few decent scores from the judges and Dan & Steph can foretell it. Perhaps Candice has already told them their future. WOOOOOOOOOO… They need 30 from the judges to not be last…

P Entree – 9; M Entree – 9. (M: “Perfect technique.”)
P Main – 2; M Main – 3. (P: “Fundamentally you picked the wrong cut of pork.”)
P Dessert – 3; M Dessert – 4.

Grand Total = 58/110. PHEW! and YAY! They survived, despite the failing latter meals. It’s almost like the judges knew what they were doing. It all comes down to how Cupcake and Joanna go on Monday… can they pull it off? How will Lisa & Candice attempt to sabotage the meal from the South Australian girls? WHOSE CUISINE WILL REIGN SUPREME? Delicious…