My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7
Previously, everyone else cooked. The Bitchy Beauties struggled and are “languishing” on the bottom of the ladder – Ich bin ein LOSER. Tonight, it’s all hands on deck as Cupcake and Joanna seek to inspirate their way into the competition, but not if Moleface and her SistaMum have anything to do with it. Everybody’s calling Cupcake the “Dessert Queen” because she’s spent her entire time in the series making out like she is. AND THEN THERE’S THE ASIAN LESBIAN GATECRASHERS!!! This is the BEST!

We’re in Adelaide – again – and we know it because Mall’s Balls. Cupcake works in a high-class patisserie and wants to be pink, while Joanna is a SAHM with two boys and a sincere hate for anything that isn’t blogged on Mama Mia. “I definitely think Joanna is the better cook but I’ve got more inspirate,” offers Cupcake.

The ladies race off to shop with Joanna noting she “REEEEEEALLY needs Cupcake to not cry at all today. Their entree is quite technical for Pete so he’s impressed by their complete lack of idea. Manu is concerned about overcooking and his hair.

Joanna confuses “strategic” with “bitchy”. Moleface hopes the stars align tonight – but wouldn’t she already know that if she can tell us the future?! I see holes in her career as a liar.

The inclusion of sausage on the menu is going to mean all the entendres are doubled, singled and awesome.

The ladies are late into their prep time and so have to rush into setting up their Instant Restaurant “J’Adore Pink”, which means “I hate the West Australian Bitches”. It’s pink everything and Cupcake can’t help herself – they’re even having a candy bar. Scott notes the girls are very girly-girly and may even be girls.

With 45 minutes chewed up in pink, the ladies prep themselves and they’re into it – Joanna starts with the meat prep for the sausage, modelled on her husband. Cupcake preps the crystalised rose petals for their dessert – it’s gonna be a tough menu with not long to prep…

Entree – Scillian Stuffed and Rolled Garfish with a tomato and white wine sauce.
Main – Homemade Italian Sausage with horseradish mash and green apple salad.
Dessert – Pistachio & Strawberry Mousse with dacquoise and candied petals.

Cupcake is straight into it knowing there’s so much to do but she wants to put so much love into the dish. So busy she’s not even opened her knife pack yet which every other contestant seemed to do with so much relish. Is she a one flavour wonder?

There’s so much love in Joanna’s sausage.

Manu thinks Cupcake’s ambitious dessert could be yum, and she’s second guessing herself already by using the oven to dry out her petals. Consider them forgotten. Joanna is still cutting up the meat – so much her hands hurt. Surely she’d have practice with her sausage meat?

FIRST MISTAKE: Cupcake accidentally puts the mousse mixing bowl on the hot plate causing the eggs to cook so they won’t set. Partial meltdown, but major one avoided.

SECOND MISTAKE: The rose petals have baked and so are useless. She’ll have to start again on that too. Bigger meltdown but no real tears yet. Joanna coaches her through it like some kind of Dr Phil with boobs. A white, Italian Oprah.

They dive into the garfish fillets which are full – FULL – of bones, and they know Moleface and her SistaMum are gonna get a bone. They just know it. The bones have to disintegrate just like her husband’s when the kids land on his groin in bed.

The guests are arriving all talking about the leaderboard, and Moleface knows they need the ladies to fail. BING BONG everyone’s here and they welcome everyone into their Instant Restaurant, full of expectation. At least two full of venom. Hopefully some of it would be offset by the pink. “I’ve got three words to describe it,” says Ali, “It’s them, all over.” Ahh, Tasmanians…

“Sugar, sugar, sugar,” notes SistaMum. “My masculinity has been challenged tonight,” says Dan. “Mmmphf fffmph,” says Moleface who’s neck deep in the candy table.

“Love you all long time!” screams Cupcake as she and Joanna head back to the kitchen.

THIRD MISTAKE: Cupcake hasn’t make enough mousse and so needs to start again for the third time. In tasting it it’s not as good as she’d like and there tears. DEFCON 5, PEOPLE. Joanna again brings her back from the brink and BING BONG it’s Pete and Manu.

Even Joanna is looking at cupcake with disdain in their retrospective pieces to camera.

The menu is revealed now everyone’s at the table and the girls nick out to work on the entree. Moleface hoped for a cupcake to see what Cupcake is made of. “It’s not hard if you’ve done it before,” she offers, proving it by sacrificing Joanna’s cat on the dinner table.

The stuffing made and whacked into the garfish, the table speculate over the meal. Everyone laughs when SistaMum says they’re hoping everyone gives them zero. Hilarity ensues while people vomit into their napkins.

Joanna’s focused on the entree and nearly has it all sorted – sauce done, plating happening, sauce added and the uncircumcised penis fish are ready to serve. The ladies are walking out happy ready to deliver their meal to their guests. Big smiles; what troubles?

As it’s a family recipe Joanna will take personal offence and start cutting herself again if Pete & Manu don’t like it. She orgasms a little bit as she watches the judges eat her food.

Manu loves the dish – NOT ONE BONE – and it’s classic flavours that pack a punch. SistaMum not happy. Pete really likes it too, and he reminds them it’s about real food from real people. Now Joanna starts crying, and then Pete tells her it’s the best dish he’s had in the competition. Cue vicious look from Moleface.

Cupcake and Joanna are really happy. Hugs and kisses and a little pat on the arse in the kitchen and they’re onto main.

The guests are into the entree. Samuel wants a bucketload more of it; Dan thinks it’s cooked to perfection; Moleface pretends to get a bone from her fish (but her strap-on is OK). Everyone can see through their very pathetic attempts to curry thoughts against the pinkest team in the comp.

Joanna’s very accurate with her salt measurement in her sausages, and is adding capsicum for colour, flavour, and to keep Jessie & Biswa away. Cupcake is playing with the sausage casing like a kitten would a line of wool. Two ladies making their own stuffed sausages. Then they prick them. Oo-er!

Dan’s looking forward to seeing their sausage. Awkward.

Joanna’s now cooking the sausages on the BBQ while Cupcake manages the rest of the elements on the plate, including the horseradish in the mash. Careful! There’s concern over the “bangers and mash” vibe from SistaMum and the hosts, but they push on.

Presentation is everything as the ladies plate and serve their turds. Too late to save these coils, though keeping the skewers in them might save it looking like a coiled, spiked penis.

Dan’s not impressed with the presentation, and Moleface reckons it looks like a dog turd but we realise she was just looking in her compact mirror.

Manu feels their sausage was to die for. SistaMum can feel her chances falling away. “But then… I’ve had enough of repeating myself – WHERE IS THE SAUCE?” he offers.

“We don’t have sauce at home, right,” bogans up Joanna.

Pete disagrees – he thinks the sausage was ‘bang’ on. The salad great, but the mash left a lot to be desired. “Not as good as your entree, but above average.” Luke & Scott are firmly Team Manu (where’s the sauce), & Dan is impressed by the sausage and so needs some reaffirmation from Steph as to who’s sausage is better. She answers truthfully and says “Manu’s”.

Moleface whines about the lack of sauce and does what she can to complain.

Cupcake is now breathing like she’s giving birth testing one of the mousses (moussii?) and it’s not entirely set, but there’s stuff to be prepared first so there’s still time to let them sit in the fridge.

FOURTH MISTAKE: Cupcake has buggered up the dacquoise bases JUST as Manu enters and she’s in failing meltdown mode. Manu talks her off the edge but notes that the pressure isn’t gonna get easier as the competition progresses.

Not all the moussii have set so they’re in a rush to plate and serve, and they don’t want to put the candied petals on the dessert as they’re not good enough. The covers go on as the ladies take out the desserts and present “Cupcake’s failure under glass” as the final dish of this Instant Restaurant round. Oh, and the Gatecrashers cometh.

Not liking how Cupcake is trying to deflect all the pressure of “everybody is expecting me to be this dessert queen” as her bottom lip quivers and the tears roll down her face as the judges dive in. Moleface is more moleface-ier than ever.

Pete gives Cupcake the chance to talk about her dead kitty which inspires her to “eat, live and breathe food, every day.” Manu doesn’t know what she’s complaining about and he pumps up her tyres big time. Pete too. It’s like they want Moleface and SistaMum to get the arse too – OH WAIT, THEY DO! “Sometimes mistakes are meant to happen,” offers Pete, reminding them of his activated almonds stance.

Joanna lectures Cupcake about doubting herself and that needs to change if they’re gonna survive in this comp. “You really think?” asks Cupcake?

Moleface complains about her trout pout and her dessert. Sam & Chris laugh at them.

Dan & Steph – 7. (S: “Nice flavours.”)
Luke & Scott – 8. (S: “It was a bloody good sausage.”)
Ali & Samuel – 9.
Sam & Chris – 9.
Lisa & Candice – 4. (C: “If everybody scores fairly, there’s a chance we might pull through.”)

Who are Moleface and SistaMum kidding!??! FFS… $10 to whichever lady punches them in the ladyboobs first.

We know the Guest total = 37/50, but first it’s into the CBD for the reveal of the scores and more false hope for Moleface and SistaMum. But there’s a TWIST! Not for you there’s not, girls.

First, the business. The leaderboard tells us:
Luke & Scott – 90
Sam & Chris – 64
Ali & Samuel – 63
Dan & Steph – 58
Lisa & Candice – 57
Jenna & Joanna – …

Tonight’s scores couldn’t be more impo… oh, who are we kidding?! They’ll smash it.

P Entree – 10; M Entree – 10. (P: “Wow. That is the type of food I want to see in this competition.”)

Just quickly I must point out – SistaMum doesn’t hold much hope at the moment. Reasonable, considering that after only the ENTREE Cupcake and Joanna are on 57. Eat shit and die, Bitchy Beauties (in the nicest possible way, of course – you gotta have your carbs!)

P Main – 8; M Main – 6. (M: “A good composed plate with one element missing – the sauce.”)
P Dessert – 9; M Dessert – 7.

Grand Total = 87/110. Congratulations Cupcake & Joanna. Bye bye Moleface & SistaMum – don’t let the door hit you in your trout pout on the way else it should pop them. You couldn’t even bloody smile when they kicked. your. arse.

With Moleface & Sistamum out of the way – they’re disappointed the twist didn’t twist for them. Pete says he’ll be sad to see them go and he’s clearly lying.

“With every ending comes a new beginning,” offers Manu. Group 1’s teams come back in and they’re told not everyone will make it through to Kitchen HQ. The overall leaderboard now looks like this:

Luke & Scott – 90
Jenna & Joanna – 87
Mick & Matt – 80
Kerrie & Craig – 72
Josh & Andi – 68
Jake & Elle – 65
Sam & Chris – 64
Ali & Samuel – 63
Dan & Steph – 58
Lisa & Stefano – 52

How ripped off will the Bitchy Beauties feel when they see Lisa & Stefano’s score and they’re still in the comp!

The bottom three teams are now in immediate danger – they must go around the country for an Instant Restaurant elimination round featuring the GATECRASHERS. Three new teams will join in for this elimination round with it being their chance to get INTO the competition! And what an interesting group of gatecrashers they are…

Angela & Melina – “Real Housewives” (The Hookers)
Ashlee & Sophia – “BFFs” (The Asian Lesbians”)
Keiran & Natassia – “Food Nerds” (The Nerds)

There’s all sorts of sizing each other up and promises, promises from all of them. The Hookers “keep it real”, The Nerds wear capes, & The Asian Lesbians are hard arses”. Everyone gets to do ANOTHER Instant Restaurant but we don’t know who starts?! Delicious…