My Kitchen RulesMon-Thu 7:30pm, Ch7

"No more boring dinners, eh? I'll show that bitch..."

“No more boring dinners, eh? I’ll show that bitch…”

Last week we got to know Kerrie & Craig, Mick & Matt, and Josh & Andi and watch their varying experiences of failure. Ahh, there’s no place like home and tonight we get to see the Spite Girls(tm) put on their show for the rest of us to pillory and enjoy. We’ve been waiting for this moment for the last week, ever since they stated they’ll get three 10’s, so bring. it. on. bitches…

Cue establishing shots of Sydney. How do we know we’re in Sydney? Opera House – check. Bridge – check. Grumpy commuter – check. Jessie & Biswa are dressing themselves in their traditional outfits as a part of their package. “We are the true Spite Girls,” Biswa offers. They’ve decided they’re representing the whole of the Indian community. Surely a referendum should have been held.

The girls race off to the shops, continuing to finish each other’s sentences. Manu interjects telling us he’s expecting big things. Mick thinks everyone is expecting big things. Kerrie says the girls will have trouble listening to each other. Jessie & Biswa can’t offer their thoughts as they’re too busy speaking over each other.

Collecting the best spices a random Indian supermarket has to offer and then the Spite Girls race home. No sponsored supermarket for them! It’s all a flurry as they set up their Instant Restaurant “Taza”, which means “she of the ceaseless big mouth” in Hindi. Manu talks about sweet donuts but there’s too many distractions.

The girls have laid out their menu for Pete & Manu to assess:
Entree – Pani Puri, Lamb Samosa and yoghurt lassi
Main – Goat Sindhi Biryani
Dessert – Gulab Jamun

Pete thinks it sounds delicious, but the girls should deliver if the big game they’ve been talking is anywhere close to their skills. Biswa says “Pani Puri” a lot – in fact, so often it now sounds like “Pannypooree”. Best tasting faces on, the girls taste the tamarind sauce and agree that they can’t agree. No arguments though.

Biswa puts the first Pani Puri in and it doesn’t cook up anything like she’s expecting. Perhaps the oil isn’t hot enough (not that they’ll listen to me). One fail. Two failures. THREE! THREE FAILURES! (cue thunder and lightning) AH HAH HAH! The entire audience relaxes, enjoying the growing schadenfreude at the first sign of trauma for the Spite Girls.

“I’ve made this 100 times – why can’t I make this one time?” says Biswa. “Maybe because Karma is biting you in the arse,” yells everyone at the screen simultaneously. Jessie moves onto the lamb samosa to try and get them back on track. “What are we doing?” she says, as they note only 22 minutes remain before their guests arrive. They test the second batch of dough and instantly start screaming… IT WORKED! Bullet dodged, and we all sink back into our chairs a little more acknowledging their success is not a good thing for all of us.

FIFTEEN MINUTES and pretty much everything else needs to be done – but there’s always time to get changed. Everyone arrives expectant. “Jessie & Biswa have stated ‘ten, ten, ten’, so they better give us $30 bucks worth of fun,” says Jake. BING BONG.

All smiles and air kisses later, the other contestants are welcomed into J-Bis’s Instant Restaurant. “Lot of gold, lot of glitter… let’s hope the food shines as well,” offers Mick. The girls rabbit on and then Biswa offers “No more boring dinners!”


This *is* Pete's happy face.

This *is* Pete’s happy face.

The contestants that have already served are now livid, and Jessie & Biswa can’t even finish each other’s sentences properly. They taste their lamb samosa mix and realise there’s too much chilli added. While they add potato Pete & Manu arrive outside. It’s internal panic masked by the realisation the judges have arrived. Manu was scared at the petals being thrown at him – he thought they were getting married.

Understatement of the year, Manu notes everyone looks pretty stone-faced. The girls rush off and the guests open their menus and it’s confirmed – everyone is expecting big things, though there’s lots of
quizzical looks at the menu as many don’t know what a lot of the dishes are.

“What do you call the yoghurt thing?” asks Stefano.
“Lassi – like the dog,” offers Lisa.
You can see where this is heading.

Jake wouldn’t want to be in Jessie & Biswa’s shoes – mainly because he prefers Jimmy Choo pumps, but also because they have so much still to do. Can the Spite Girls rival the Bitchy Boys from last year who served mains after midnight?

The main is so close to Jessie’s heart she’s practically a goat. She’s passionate about it so she’s taking responsibility for the dish and really wants it to come out perfectly (no notes – this dish is going to have to tell it’s parents it’s gay). She adds a list of spices and reminds us the key to this dish is lockwood.

Biswa has determined that instead of serving the lassi she’s now going to serve it as a raita. 1 hour 15 minutes since everyone arrived and still no entrees out, so Manu appears to ask how things are going. “It’s just one of those days when things go wrong,” offers Jessie. “Well, this is what happens when you get too excited,” offers the French chef.

The guests are getting restless – Mick’s ready to go in and help them. Jessie & Biswa find time to hug to celebrate the cuteness of the samosas. They continue cooking one thing at a time. Mick reveals they arrived at 6pm and it’s now two hours since they arrived and STILL NO ENTREES. Josh can see the positive side – he and Andi shouldn’t be on the bottom of the table after tonight’s debacle. “It’ll be a growing up exercise,” says Kerrie, putting her best high-waisted mum pants on.

“Under the circumstances we had, we did the best we could,” offers Biswa, continuing to think the world owes her a living. They deliver the entrees and the hunger games have only made the guests angrier. Pete & Manu chomp into their Pani Puri, and Jessie seethes at Biswa “that’s not enough filling – I told you.” Manu almost passes out after biting into his lamb samosa, but that’s exactly the reaction Jessie wanted.

"I'm such an idiot - I should know the fork goes on the left..."

“I’m such an idiot – I should know the fork goes on the left…”

Manu loved the samosa but felt the Pani Puri was very bland. The Spite Girls are disappointed. Pete adds the Pani Puri was underwhelming – “below average” – and the sauce was watery, but he too liked the samosa. The girls slink back into the kitchen and Biswa feels the pressure, but it’s Jessie who takes it to heart thanks to the note tied to the wooden stake Pete just shoved through her chest.

None of the guests are happy and all of them are willing to share it.

Jessie & Biswa note they need the main to be cooked perfect and served on time (which, for the record, was 45 minutes ago). Jessie tastes the goat & it’s bland… so she becomes crazy goat lady and adds all kinds of things (even a spatula) to the mix. Biswa forgets how to cook rice and the tension rises again. Ahh, sweet justice.

“We eat rice but no vegetables almost every day!” Jessie delivers as a curt broadside to Biswa.

At the table Manu asks Stefano how he cooks goat. “Like I make love: slow and with a lot of spice,” he replies with his thick Italian accent.

The rice is done, but Mick is starting to each the table ornaments as now the guests have all been waiting 90 minutes since entree for their main. As the lid is lifted off the goat Jessie & Biswa are so happy that it looks exactly right – though no idea on taste. They pile a plate high with the intention to serve it to Mick. “Indian food isn’t pretty, but it taste’s good.” Any old port in a storm.

They furiously plate the main and realise there’s not enough rice for the guests. Jessie starts to meltdown. “We could go home on this dish,” she sobs, completely forgetting they’re already at home. Tears roll down her cheeks and onto the plates as Biswa takes charge. CHAOS REIGNS.

Finally the main is served. “Two hours later the meal is served and it looks like they’ve had to chase the goat down and kill it,” offers Jake. The judges taste and think with the blankest of faces though it’s hard to tell any time when it comes to Pete.

He praises the collective J-Bis for the goat spices but some of the meat was tough, and the rice is very bland. Manu tells them he was excited when he read the recipe and he feels like they still rushed right to the end, even though they had two hours since entree.

“We’ve let the entire Indian community down, especially the Inuit,” says Jessie, all but defeated. They regroup in the kitchen with a post mortem while the guests choke down their mains. “It’s hard to judge when you’re so hungry,” offers Mick. Andi finds a bone in her meal and Josh finds a spatula.

“Bland, bland, bland,” says Elle who can only but repeat what Manu said. Jake also says “bland” but nobody cares.

With dessert pending, the girls take charge and intend to deliver the best course yet. Pete is hoping for an authentic Indian dessert, and Mick is hoping for a “nice donut with some rose water and a great big dollop of King Island cream”. Who knows what will happen – certainly not Jessie & Biswa as they’re in full production mode.

“We’re feeling great! This is the old Jessie and the old Biswa and someone must have destroyed the pictures of us in the attic,” says J-Bis.


Bland, ordinary and inedible - Jessie & Biswa's three dishes

Bland, ordinary and inedible – Jessie & Biswa’s three dishes

Pete asks the girls if they’d tried the dessert before serving – no, they offer. Pete lectures the table to say not to serve food to anyone without tasting it. “To say the yoghurt was inedible is an understatement,” says Pete. “The yoghurt is warm and has split, making it not very nice to taste,” adds Manu.

“For the first time in this competition they weren’t talking,” says Josh. He says what everyone except Jake thinks – he’s a little more direct. “It’s like someone left milk out on the bench overnight.”

Mick has a go at it – but it’s “like paint stripper”. The girls are in the kitchen hoping they get a second chance to show everyone what they can really do. I thought this was supposed to be that opportunity?!

Enough of that – the knives are now out in time for judgement…
Josh & Andi – 3
Mick & Matt – 3 (“The dessert was a disaster.”)
Kerrie & Craig – 3 (“The main was not a great dish.”)
Lisa & Stefano – 3
Jake & Elle – 3

Guest total = 15/50. Producer’s influence aside, that’s not a great result period. “I think Jessie & Biswa should take a leaf out of the real Spice Girls’ book and call it quits,” laughs Jake. J-Bis are hoping they’re marked on the technical aspects of the meal, but then they are the self-deluded type.

The air can be cut with a knife that has momentarily been removed from the girl’s backs when it’s announced what the guests gave as scores. But surely Pete & Manu will level the playing field (as they’ve done all season so far)…

P Entree – 6; M Entree – 5. (P – “The Pani Puri was very weak.”)
P Main – 6; M Main – 6. (M – “The rice was not as flavoursome as I expected.”)
P Dessert – 1; M Dessert – 2.


Grand Total = 41/110. Well that was to be expected surely. Mick hopes the girls learn a lesson from this and alter their judgement of other’s food accordingly. The only way the Spite Girls can be saved now will be an abject failure from Qld brother and sister Jake & Elle – and we can only hope, given it’s a fine dining experience from the siblings. Delicious!