MasterChef Australia All StarsSun 7:30pm, Mon-Thu 7pm, Ch10
Last night on Masterchef, Marion walked away with $10,000, only to be forced to give it to her charity. Tonight “Fix That Dish”!

Dawn probably breaks over Sydney, but I’ve got no idea because my Telstra T-Box decided to switch itself off and, by virtue of a broken remote, I couldn’t turn it back on. After 20 minutes on the phone with two lovely people named Lester and Laura (not their real names I suspect), and including some time spent on my back trying to read the serial number on the bottom of the unit, I was back up and running and ready to recap, sans the first 20 minutes.

Whatever happened, the result was that Poh won and it gave the blue team an advantage heading into “Fix that Dish”, which was coincidentally the name of a short lived 70s sitcom starring Jack Klugman and Barbara Eden, set in the sexy world of plastic manufacturing.

Each player from each team will spend time with the mystery dish, before being replaced by the next team member. Those that have finished their turn can wait and watch, but must not help, lest George pulls out the feared yellow card, or the dreaded red card, resulting in a 5 minute penalty. That’s right, a penalty of 5 minutes with Donna Hay. Blue team’s advantage is to find out what the mystery dish is ahead of time.

Jonathan flashbacks to his own “fix that dish” moment, when he won the hearts of viewers everywhere after efficiently dispatching Adele. Remember Adele, who gave away everything to be on the show, including her disabled son, for the benefit of her disabled son? No, me neither.

Matt welcomes back to the Masterchef kitchen the worlds worst bolognese, but I don’t see my mum carrying it. I suspect that it’s probably not the world’s worst bolognese, as it’s probably lacking dysentery and dogs bodies.

The blue team organize their roster, with Poh on the dough, Chris hitting the sauce, Justine laminating the pasta (as well as a few dodgy IDs for 15 year olds), and Julie bringing it all together. Red and yellow team discuss their rosters, but as they don’t know what they’re making, it really makes no difference.

Poh, Callum and Kate start for their respective teams, “There’s no flavour, it’s really bland” says Callum, coincidentally looking at Kate. Matt, resplendent in lavender, listens as Gary and George describe what they would do in their shoes. “Remember one thing” he says. “You only have to make one bowl. Also, remember another thing. Try not to poo in it”.

Kate recognizes that each will have their own method for bolognese. Some will cook while other, more perverted contestants may want to make love to it. George yells, “Remember, Flavor Flav” unnecessarily though, because who could forget “Flavor of Love”. He (George not Flavor) checks on Kate’s sweaty onions, as she explains to George the clever clues shell leave for her teammates.

Changeover occurs as the number twos smear their way in. “Callum’s left some very clever clues” says Marion, “such as a pasta maker, pasta, and a small dead Italian mafioso, so I think we are making pasta and sauce of some kind”. Kumar sees the exact same ingredients and concludes “Pie”. Gary compounds his confusions by suggesting it may be pie, and continues to develop his wicked plan by asking Marion if it might be a pie. Marion simply states “Why the fuck would Callum leave out a pasta maker if it was a pie numbnuts”, to which Gary has no comeback.

Kate throws some suggestive clues Kumars way earning for her the ire of Matt but not a yellow card from George. The number threes replace the number twos, and Aaron takes an inventory while he prepares for his summer stocktake sale, then he takes a moment to reflect on Matt Preston dropping his food in season two.

For blue, Poh and Chris are concerned about what Julie will do when she gets in, as Julie sadly stands outside in the rain and talks to herself, the only way she can guarantee an intelligent conversation. Poh suggests to Justine she needs flour and George gets all serious and gives her a yellow card.

Dani puts back the mince sauce that Kate had carefully separated and Kumar had subtly cultivated, as the number fours come in to replace the number threes. Hayden discovers Dani has ruined practically everything, including not putting the water on and being partially to blame for Australia’s so far poor showing in the pool. Gary lends Jonathan a hand, but Julie, unperturbed about her teams doubts, pours the sugar and red wine into the mix.

Callum is concerned Jonathan’s is too salty, as the 30 second mark is reached. Everyone grates cheese, mixes sauces, tosses pasta and rubs themselves sexually, before zero is reached and not a single red card was used. Then they all stand around tasting each others.

Yellow is tasted first. Kumar is targeted for his pie vision, embarrassingly admitting that the pasta maker threw him as he thought Kate was giving him a cryptic clue. George gets laughs when he claims the whole dish “is a full sick bag minus the bag”. Red team is next and George enjoys the aqua planing, while the pasta is good, but clumpy. Gary thinks its too salty, and Matt criticizes ordinary Aussies saying they’d never notice. For the blue team Julie cryptically suggests knowing what it was turned out to be a massive advantage. They’ve used pappardelle instead of spaghetti, and Gary calls it Pap boll instead of spag boll, not because of the type of pasta used, but because it reminds him of his last pap smear.

With the tasting done, yellow are instantly eliminated for mistakenly thinking the dish was dog faeces instead of spaghetti bolognese. So it’s down to red and blue. Red, whose dish was a tad salty, and blue, whose dish was a salty tadpole. And in a surprising turn of events it’s blue, the team with the massively unfair advantage.

Tomorrow, the blue team get to taste the fruit of their efforts, as well as some food, in a challenge that’s bound to cause some ructions in the house.