MasterChef Australia All StarsSun 7:30pm, Mon-Thu 7pm, Ch10
Last night on Masterchef, it was sausages at twenty paces as one thousand fireman and three judges gorged themselves on the finest, juiciest and meatiest bangers known to man. The red team pulled themselves together long enough to satisfy sufficient men with their snags. Tonight, it’s every man, woman and Aaron for themselves as the first mystery box is revealed.

Fucking dawn again. Justine is ready for anything, except for a mystery box challenge, so hopefully it won’t be one of those. Marion says the night before the red team found out what was in the mystery box. Unfortunately it was naked photos of George. Perhaps we’ll never know who put them there, but it was George. Yellow team sits down for a perfectly natural and relaxed entirely scripted conversation. Tis the Shire to be sure.

They arrive and make noises with their mouths that are meaningless. Smoke drifts from under the mystery boxes as they lift to reveal small parts of famous chefs. Jamie Oliver’s chili, Rick steins crabs, and Nigella Lawson’s tart, as well as a ghostly fart from Heston Blumenthal. The challenge is not to make scrambled eggs from these exotic ingredients, which would indeed be a challenge, but to make whatever you want, which is no challenge at all. Everyone looks back on their brushes with fame as Jamie teaches Jonathan and Callum, Blumenthal criticizes Aaron, and Kate grates on Rick stein.

Gary reveals that the red team’s advantage, and if looks could kill planet earth wouldn’t be facing a population explosion. The rest wonder what the hell they’ll make from these complex, unusual ingredients like steak, crab and a…a….asparagus (did I say that right?) It’s an individual challenge with ten thousand for their chosen charity. Sixty minutes to cook, and a lifetime to regret.

Justine wants to show the judges as much as possible in the hour, but after she’s popped out her boobs she’ll still have fifty nine minutes and fifty seconds left for them to forget everything, so she may want to tease it out. Dani is being inspired by Nigella making a lemon meringue cupcake and only being filmed from the waste up, as well as having a mad climate change denying peer for a father. Hayden roasts chillies on an open flame as he recalls his days as a burnt anus cowboy. Gary says he’s drawn to the crabs, while Matt feels the pull of the chocolate. But Gary wonders who will use the dry ice! Jonathan, who is making lazy mans ice cream, that’s who. He places the dry ice cream in the ice cream maker with predictable results, causing a tear in the space time continuum and also damaging the motor.

After a break, Jonathan’s exoskeleton has split, causing him to shed it and reveal himself to be another Jonathan. George suggests he adopt a more gentler approach, so he high fives Gary in response. Poh makes something that sounds disgusting but no doubt it will be utterly wonderful at the end. However her little egg custards things have become scrambled eggs so she’s forced to face the grueling task of having George and Gary near her. They compound her problems by selfishly continuing to exist.

Kumar appears on screen reminding us that he’s the nicest person in the world, and after five more seconds reminds us why he didn’t win last season. He says he’s never taken a risk in cooking but there are twelve soiled hospital beds that disagree. With 45 minutes to go George warns the contestants to stay away from the “chocolate explosion” until the cleaners get in. Matt sticks his fingers in Kate(‘s bowl) before licking them clean. Hayden is doing a “wacky” spin on surf and turf, cleverly replacing the prawns with the pubic hairs hastily plucked from a fisherman. Aaron pounds the bench, while Julie thinks back to her “John Torode” moment. After some negotiations with George and Gary, Julie opts for a beautiful crab pasta instead of a beautiful fillet steak pasta *cough Mindy cough*.

Kumar mulls the use of dried ice and adventure, while the judges discuss the terrifying nature of mystery boxes and Justine’s little balls. Matt criticizes Dani ‘s simplemindedness.

Marion burns her butter sauce while Hayden does the cooking version of confused sexuality when he makes his sea urchin ice cream. Kate says tuile unnecessarily, and compounds the error by claiming to make wacky shapes. Marion expresses her discomfort at Gary’s leering as he watches her take her soufflĂ©s out, so to speak, while Poh makes beautiful things beautiful. Suddenly there are only two minutes to go, as Jonathan plates up only two ice cream sandwiches for three ravenous and portly gents. Gary counts down, as George joins him at three, and then it’s stop writing pens down exam over.

After the break, Gary says they’ll be perfectly honest “Your not actually Australia top amateur chefs and you never were. You’re actually hostages in a bizarre Die Hardesque heist”. Marion’s crab and sea urchin soufflĂ© with black pepper sauce is first, followed by Marion. The hungry judges devour it obscenely, licking their lips with glee and little regard for delicate stomachs. Marion is awarded high praise from the masters of giving high praise. Poh is next and apologies for the presentation. Matt claims they used to call Poh the pohlocoaster, but little does he know that behind his back everyone calls him the stupid fucking dresser. However this time, Matt says she reached the apex of the amusement park ride twice.

Next, Jonathan claims he was born with an ice cream sandwich in one hand, the coolness of it providing his mother with much needed vaginal relief. Gary instantly notices there’s only two amongst three judges, the greedy pig, but says they look spectacular. Which isn’t enough for Jonathan who returns to his bench angrily, upset that they didn’t mention how it looked. Hayden and Aaron come and go with little regard, while George describes Chris s carpaccio as having a magical flavour, not unlike a leprechaun’s genitals. Kumar brings up his crab salad with asparagus and sea urchin ice cream, Matt displays a number of faces while tasting, indicating there’s a problem, but instead congratulates Kumar for inventiveness who feels inspired to do something unusual. So he kisses Dani on her plastic hair.

Gary takes a dig at Julie for her presentation, wondering where the homely Julie is hiding, not allowing her any room to grow as a chef and a woman. For Gary, it’s not spectacular enough, lacking a lightness of touch. Dani is next with her cupcakes, which oddly are presented outside of any cups. “The sponge is dense” says George, failing to see the irony in that statement. Callum, in his first and only appearance tonight, fails to impress, while Justine’s balls are cold. Kate comes up and Gary giggles gleefully at the gooiness.

“Is the mystery box still terrifying” asks Gary, to various answers of “What the fuck is he talking about!?” and “What a twat!”. He announces the three best dishes, which belong to Marion, Kate and, surprisingly, Kumar. I says surprisingly because all the evidence suggested he couldn’t cook. Still he appears to be the most wonderful human ever. Chris and Poh are cruelly informed they were also close. But Marion is the ultimate winner, and as her prize she gets $10000 for her charity, and the right to kill the first eliminated contestant on Masterchef 2013. If there is a Masterchef 2013.

George begins to rattle off the amount raised for each charity as I rush for the remote control and the fast forward button. Tomorrow, “fix that dish” and other failed game show suggestions such as “guess that elbow”, and “Martin, the alcoholic mule”.